I know I'm supposed to close out the year with a "2010 Yearly Recap" but I've opted out for three reasons. ONE— I only started Mommy Shorts at the end of August. TWO— A lot of good stuff happened in the last two weeks and I didn't want to give it the shaft. And THREE— I'd prefer to save my "Less Than Half of 2010 Recap" for next week. "Better late than never" appears to be (my apologies for sounding like Jeremy Piven in the mid to late '90s) how I roll. So this is gonna be your typical recap except for the fact that it's a recap of the holidays and everybody knows the holidays are SUPER SPECIAL. Right? So…
What else happened in the two weeks it took me to realize I can use bedtime routine as an excuse to sing Christmas carols?
• I remembered the time my sister totally screwed me
• I cited Angelina Jolie for parenting fraud
• The Fosters beat the crap out of the Schusters in a holiday video card smackdown
• I found a velcro wallet in the back of my closet and called it Christmas
• We smoked crack in a gingerbread house
• We encouraged our children to sit in the laps of strangers
• I gave you guys something pretty (enter my giveaway— it's a good one)
• I put tutus and Lincoln Center on probation
• I bought a small country instead of hiring a babysitter on New Year's Eve
• I single-handedly finished a box of Godiva chocolates (that just happened in real time, there is no related post)
• And lastly, I invited you all to "A Regular Evening" where we'll duke it out in "The New Year's Eve Newborn Parent Drinking Game"
And that's it. 2010 over. To close, I've put together a "Mommy Shorts Reader Submitted Holiday Album". I'd tell you to imagine the following photos with slow wipes and fancy fade-ins/outs as if it were put together to close out the year of The Today Show, except I don't want anybody to accidently visualize Al Roker dressed up as Superman (it was painful enough the first time). And it wouldn't be Mommy Shorts without captions…
I'll start with Mazzy, cause she's mine.
You might think that Mazzy mustered up some Christmas spirit since the last Santa photo op but actually, the woman who is dressed up like Mrs. Claus leads storytime at our local library so she is someone Mazzy knows very well. I'm pretty sure Mazzy's face says— "Who you trying to fool, woman!?"
And if you're curious what her initial reaction was, here it is:
That expression has got to be the best argument for Santa I've ever seen. Now moving on to reader submitted photos.
We'll begin with Alexis…
Did you know that if Alexis sings "Silent Night" backwards it sounds like "DIE RUDOLPH! DIE!!!!"?
Afterward, Mom made Alexis suffer a punishment too cruel even for reindeer manslaughter.
If you're wondering where Christmas went, Connor stole ALL of it.
The card attached to this gift read, "Remember the child I birthed for you? Well, say hello to your Christmas gift for the next 18 years".
On the right is Mazzy's best friend, Elsa. I'm not sure who wins "Most Miserable" in this picture. I'm giving it to whoever painted that SHITASTIC background.
Abby got the best Christmas gift of all— Mom cut off her mullet.
Here is Charlie wishing Mazzy a Merry Hanukkah all the way from the Upper West Side. Chrismukkah riddle: How do you tell a Hanukkah tree from a Christmas tree? It's laced with Jewish guilt instead of sentimental ornaments.
Above are Ellison & Madison, the kids behind our sponsor, The Giggling E. They are getting a headstart on their gingerbread house for next year becuse they REALLY suck at it.
Next we have Hazy getting "The Gift of Disappointment" for Christmas.
Aiden learned that Santa is a very busy man with no time for trivial endeavors like gift wrapping.
As opposed to Jack who…
Holy crap! If Jack's family would like to adopt me, I'm sure I could figure out how to shove myself into that little chair. Also— I like handbags, cashmere, and Harry & David Moose Munch. (Call me!)
Tom (from Love & Kate) gave his mom the gift of sitting still and not ripping off his hat. You're setting the bar too high, Tom!
Above is Ella learning that Hanukkah is AWESOME!!!!
And then unlearning it.
There are two things of note in the picture above. One is the handmade centerpiece created by Collin himself. The other is that Buzz Lightyear ate Collin for Christmas dinner.
Next we have "C" (from 1000 Reasons I'm A Crap Mom) playing with his brand new ball in a blizzardless location on Christmas Day. Ummm…hello? What's crappy about that??
It was Hunter that was allowed to light the Hanukkah candles. But it was Maia who burned the house down later that night.
And finally, we have the famous Sophie, Ben & Emma making up for last year's photo. Well, Ben looks like he might have just farted on Santa. But Christmas 2011 is right around the corner.
Alright, everyone— thanks for reading and see ya next year!
Hugs and midnight kisses,
If you would like pictures of your kids featured on Mommy Shorts, feel free to email me photos at firstname.lastname@example.org. The funnier the better, but if you prefer to have me really work for my captions, bring it on, BITCHES!