Remember the Star Wars scene when Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia and Chewbacca were all trapped in the Death Star trash compactor and the walls were closing in on them? That impending doom device was reenacted in countless Saturday morning cartoons and as a child, it was my biggest nightmare. I thought (and still do) that the slowly-getting-crushed-between-two-walls scenario was (is) the worst way to go.
Meet Ella. Ella is 19 months old and about 25 pounds which makes her 10 months older and almost 10 pounds heavier than my little nine-month-old pipsqueak, Mazzy. Yesterday, we went over Ella's house to play. Ella is adorable but she has a mom-acknowledged toy-sharing problem. This meant every time Mazzy would start to play with a toy, Ella would stumble over as fast as possible to reclaim it for herself. Mazzy, too young to understand this affront and too excited to be in a room with a slew of toys she has never seen before, always seemed more than content to move onto something new. But as most of us know, the surest way to piss off your enemy is to not notice their attempts to defeat you. Suffice it to say, Ella did not care for Mazzy's laid-back attitude. Twice Ella hit her to retaliate, but I can accept a small amount of childhood aggression as relatively par for the course as far as play dates go.
BUT THEN.
Ella walked over to the other side of the couch towards the kitchen counter and Mazzy crawled around to follow her. Two seconds pass and then all of a sudden we hear Mazzy shrieking like she was trying out for the Jennifer Love Hewitt role in the baby version of I Know What You Did Last Summer. I ran over to see what was happening and saw Death Star Trash Compactor 2010— Ella was pinning Mazzy up against the back of the couch with a metal kitchen stool, the foot rest pressing against Mazzy's side as Ella continued to squash her further and further into the back of the couch. Mazzy was cowering in this forced half crawl/half standing position and the look of fear on her face was heartbreaking.
I rushed to her aide as Ella released her grip on the stool and looked up at me with wide eyes, blinking innocently. But it was too late. As cute and well-behaved as she is 95% of the time, in that moment, Ella was Darth Vader, the Penguin, Dr. Claw, and Gargamel all rolled into one. She was bigger, badder and armed with a motive that wasn't entirely clear. She stuck her tummy out in a way that said— it's survival of the fittest out here in Babyland and if your baby wants to hang with the big kids, she needs to grow a few inches and couple that with a workout plan.
One more blow to the head with a cell phone and we all decided to go to the park where nobody owns anything. Once there, the two of them played together very nicely. Translation: Mazzy slept in the Ergo Carrier
Now, I don't want to bash Ella, even if her recent aggressive tendencies are damaging her cuteness quotient. What I'm wondering from any parents with more experience is— is this a phase that we should expect all our babies to go through? Is Mazzy gonna lash out the second she meets another baby half her size? And if so, how do you attempt to tame their behavior or at least arrange for a friendlier play date?
As for Ella—I love you even if you are lying in your crib plotting ways to hurt my child. One day you and Mazzy will be the best of friends, right? RIGHT?
Sadly, yes. Hazy is the Ella in this story. We constantly have to tell her “nice touching, nice touching” and show her what that means. And what it doesn’t mean, i.e. punching other babies in the head and/or clotheslining them a la WWE.
Unfortunately, its true, most every child will enter this challenging phase of seeking their independence and learning to share all at the same time. As a in-home daycare provider with quite a few ones at this phase its challenging, but eventually they do learn appropriate behavior. Its not that they even outwardly intend to harm the other child, they just haven’t learned the appropriate response or reaction to the situation. They also can not typically vocalize their frustrations at this age, so physical responses are the norm.
Its not to say all children will react in a physical aggressive reaction. I’ve seen some throw tantrums, come crying and cling to parents, its all just one more way of learning and exploring their world, boundaries and independence!
Natasha- be thankful you have the aggressor instead of the tantrum throwing sissy kid clinging to his/her parent’s leg described above by Dana!
Dana- thank you for your insights! You sound like you know what of you speak:) Question: when a child does hit another kid, since we now know the goal is not necessarily to hurt them, what would be the appropriate response?
Tell Mazzy to pick on someone her own size! – Ella’s Grandma
It’s all in the personality of the kid. My oldest was never a hitter or aggressively taking toys from other kids, even when he was young. But my youngest? He’s such a bully. I watch him closely and if he does anything to another child (or even his older brother!) I will tell him to return the toy or if he hurt them (even by accident) to say he’s sorry.
He’s getting older and it seems like he is getting smarter. I hope he will grow out of it. I try to correct his behavior by telling him hitting or taking toys is not ok and I’ll send him to a time out in his room if it gets out of hand (he has bitten his brother) and he always has to return toys or apologise.
Hopefully parents are on top of their kids if they are bullies, but not all of them are. If I see a bully not treating my older son well, I will them not to do whatever they have done and then I will tell my son to play somewhere else. I will also tell my son that if it happens again that he should tell the other child, “Please keep your hands to yourself” or “That was my toy, please give it back.” And if that doesn’t work, then he should walk away. It’s important to teach children how to stand up to bullies too without being a bully back.
I totally agree with you on your last point. It’s important for kids to stand up for themselves. But it must be a tricky balance getting it right.
Also this week I witnessed Mazzy playing with a younger kid and her attitude was very different. While with Ella, she is more the follower, with this younger kid she was clearly taking the lead. And also taking his toys.
I hate you whatever your name is!
Illana or Lama or whatever!
You talk about Mazzy and Harlow and think they’re so great!
I absolutely hate you, Mammy Shorts or whatever your name is!
Sadly, Allie is the Ella.
She’s two and had a playdate with Josephine who is 1 year younger than her.
She clotheslined Josephine, and punched her in face.