Baby Drinking Beer   This year, I am throwing a special
  event for New Year's Eve. It is
  called "A Regular Evening". In
  order for "A Regular Evening" to
  go off as planned, I have taken
  great care to prepare. The TV
  appears to be working and I have
  selected my holiday outift— a pair
  of American Apparel drawstring pants paired with a Fame-esque off the shoulder sweatshirt. Would you like to join me but have a baby to watch of your own? No worries. I have devised a "New Year's Eve Newborn Parent Drinking Game" so anybody can play along from the comforts of their own home. Ready?

First you must select your "New Year's Eve Newborn Parent Drinking Game" characters. There are two characters to chose from— Ilana and Mike. "Ilana" will be assigned to the person who usually puts the baby to bed, this night being no exception. "Mike" will be assigned to the person who takes the best spot on the couch and selects the TV show of their choosing while they are waiting for "Ilana" to return.

Secondly, in accordance with the evening's official game rules, "Mike" will also be assigned the title of "Fridge Gopher" until he is able to rid himself of the honor later in the game.

Thirdly, all video sleeping monitors must be disabled since we must all play on a level playing field.

OK- put the baby to bed, get your drinks (MIKE!!!!) and then rejoin me in the living room.

Is everybody on the couch now with drinks in hand? Alright. Let's get started.

1) Ilana & Mike each drink for every time the baby makes a peep. Rules are as follows:

Happy babbling: both leisurely sip drink
Cough: one big gulp each
Prolonged cough: two gulps each
Stifled cry: three drinks each
Prolonged cry: chug your drink
Prolonged cry coupled with cough: One shot of your choosing

2) If during a prolonged cry, anyone feels compelled to go into the baby's room to see what's wrong, both people must finish their drink before anyone can procede into the nursery. If the baby stops crying before both drinks have been finished, say "Cheers!" and clink glasses.

3) If the baby has indeed awoken during the course of #2, than it is up to Ilana to put the baby back to sleep (why wouldn't it be?). While waiting for Ilana to return, Mike must drink the entirety of his drink and also think of a nice way to show his appreciation at a later date (I suggest jewelry).

4) If Mike has fallen asleep on the couch by the time Ilana returns from putting the baby back to sleep, she is entitled to pour one drink on Mike's head.

5) If Ilana is too concerned with the consequences of what a drink poured over Mike's head will do to the couch, she must drink once. Then Ilana must do whatever is in her power to wake Mike up because otherwise this game is over and this night really blows.

6) Once Ilana has awoken Mike, she can issue one "New Year's Eve Newborn Parent Drinking Game Challenge". Challenges are as follows:

The "I Forgot To Turn On The Humidifier" Challenge
Person must walk into the baby's room and check to see if the humidier is on. If it is not, person must drink once. If it was already on and person has disturbed the baby unecessarily, person must drink twice.

The "I Think The Baby Pooped Because The Nursery Stinks" Challenge
Person must walk into the nursery and see if it stinks. If it doesn't stink, person returns to the couch and game continues. If it does stink, person must make the decision whether to change the baby's diaper. If person decides to let the baby sleep in a pile of their own poop, person must finish their drink. If person decides to change the baby, the person waiting on the couch must drink for the entirety of the change.

The "Did You Remember To Buy Diapers?" Challenge
Person asks the other if he/she remembered to buy diapers. If the other person responds, "If you knew we needed diapers than why didn't YOU get them?" then that person drinks. If a discussion about who has more opportunity throughout their day to purchase said diapers, both people must finish their drink. If it is decided to break out the computer and order diapers on, then say "Cheers!" and clink glasses.

Once the challenge is completed and all glasses are refilled (MIKE!!!), we are ready to move on to the "Fridge Gopher Round".

9) Ilana must announce she is hungry. The Fridge Gopher (aka Mike) must go over to the fridge and begin to call out random items of available food. If Ilana accepts one of these foods, then move on to #10. If she does not accept any of these foods and instead makes a request for ice cream, then Uh-Oh— looks like Mike has another challenge on his hands…

The "Is There Any Ice Cream Left?" Challenge
Mike must check if there is any ice cream in the freezer. If there is, than everybody gets ice cream. If there is not, then Mike must leave to get ice cream. Ilana may leisurely sip drink while awaiting Mike's return. Ilana Bonus: In Mike's absence, Ilana gets to change the channel to a TV show of her choosing. Mike Bonus: Upon Mike's return, he relinquishes his title of Fridge Gopher.

OK— is everyone on the couch drinking and eating a food item of their choosing? Then we are ready to go into the final stages of the game. It's called— "Stay Awake, It's Almost Midnight".

10) Turn on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. (If you have trouble locating remote, take one drink). Once the show is on, drink rules are as follows:

Say something lame like, "It must be freezing out there!": Take one drink.
Start mentally calculating how much money Ryan Seacrest makes per year: Take two drinks.
Never heard of one of the live performers: Take two drinks.
Feel compelled to google performer to find out who he/she is: Take three drinks.
Enjoy a performance by somebody under 15: Chug your drink.
Successfully identify Alison Sweeny: Move onto "The Ian Ziering Challenge"

The "Ian Ziering Challenge"
Every time a "celebrity" appears on screen, you must determine whether they are more or less famous than Ian Ziering. Drink for every person less famous. Example: Demi Lovato— don't drink, Someone Who Has Played A Cadaver On An Episode of CSI Miami— drink.

Ok— you've almost made it. One more thing.

11) If Mike does indeed fall asleep before the ball drops, than at midnight, Ilana must lean over and whisper, "You're on bedtime duty for the next two weeks".

12) Kiss and both finish your drink.

 Happy New Year!