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I was going to post Halloween Costume Awards today but since it was brought to my attention that many parts of the East Coast (including my good friends in New Jersey) will be celebrating a belated Halloween this year, I decided to postpone it until next week.

Provided I do not go into labor over the weekend, of course.

FYI— I am going to start caveating everything I say with the above sentence, from now until the baby arrives.

Today, I decided to give myself a break and write a good old fashioned Mommy Shorts recap. I think I deserve that, don't you?

Especially after attempting to brush the sticky sugar residue of a Tootsie Pop out of my screaming daughter's hair. Why didn't anyone tell me I should just throw her into the bath? 

But first, I want to talk briefly about trick-or-treating, since this was the first year Mazzy kind of knew what was going on.

On Wednesday afternoon, before Mazzy even put on her costume, we walked into CVS to buy some toiletries. Mazzy saw pumpkin buckets on a shelf and asked for one. We said sure, since pumpkin buckets were not one of the things we thought to pack when we fled our apartment.

At the register, the cashier rang up Mazzy's pumpkin and then gave her a handful of candy to put inside. Mazzy took it with surprise. Then we went a few doors down to buy milk at a bodega and the man behind the counter did the same thing. I think I might have actually seen a physical representation of a lightbulb going off in Mazzy's brain. We spent the rest of the afternoon, going store to store, asking for candy.


By the time actual trick-or-treating started at 6pm, Mazzy considered candy less of a privilege and more of a basic right.

Five minutes in, I lost the battle to wait until trick-or-treating was over to eat her loot. And then it took every parenting bone in my body to get her to eat only one lollipop at a time.

What is it with toddlers and lollipops? Don't they realize there are Reeses Cups and Kit-Kats to be had?? Do I really have to grab those offerings MYSELF???

I actually heard that it's better for a child's teeth to eat all their Halloween candy on one night than to eat it slowly over time. With the added benefit that a stomach ache might deter them from overdoing the sugar in the future (although it hasn't stopped me). Any dentists reading who care to weigh in on this?

Anyway, I'm hoping when we finally go back to our apartment downtown (word is we will have power on Saturday), we can convince Mazzy that candy is only allowed on the Upper West Side and pumpkin buckets magically disappear once you go South of 42nd Street.

Alright. What else happened these past few weeks besides Mazzy eating her weight in candy?

• Mike gave me the finger

Mazzy hogged the bed

I lost my mind in the dark

• We punished our children by dressing them like Hannibal Lechter

• Pregnant ladies disguised their baby bumps

• Mazzy told Mike he looked like Steve from Blue's Clues

• Kathleen's ridiculously horrible clean-up disaster earned her a vacuum

• I learned how to balance a toddler, a pumpkin and a bushel of apples on my pregnant belly

Dr. Mazzy cured me

• Mike was subjected to HUSBAND SHAMING

• We told our kids that Calliou died, I mean— went to sleep

and finally (and most importantly)…

Evil Babies went global (Seriously— I just got off a phone interview with a TV Show in Japan and I might appear on an Australian morning show next week.)

To all the new people who have discovered Mommy Shorts since the Glare-Off, WELCOME! I am so happy to have you. You should all stick around at least until I give birth. That's bound to be a great post, what with the live streaming vag-cam set-up and all…

I hope everyone has a great weekend full of electricity, uncontaminated water and readily available gas. And if that doesn't work out, you have my permission to steal a Fun Size Twix from your kid's pumpkin bucket. You know what? Make it two.

See you back here next week!

Provided I do not go into labor over the weekend, of course.

— Mommy Shorts