In the two plus years I've been a mom, I've heard from lots of other parents that their kids sleep in bed with them. I thought those parents were CRAZY.
First of all, I didn't understand how bedtime went down. Did they put the kids to sleep in their bed first and then join them later? Or did they all go to bed at once? And how does one fall asleep to re-runs of Seinfeld in either of these scenarios?
Secondly, I didn't understand when, why or how this started. Was it something instituted at birth on purpose? Or did it just develop over time despite best efforts to keep the bed kid-free?
And thirdly, doesn't having kids in your bed rule out all opportunities for sex pretty much ever? And shouldn't that be at least a little bit important to the two adults involved in this arrangement?
Never in a million years did I imagine I would join the myriad of parents who welcome little creatures into their bedrooms, to steal their covers, hog their pillows, and cockblock their sexy time.
But about two months ago, we moved Mazzy into a big girl bed and everything we took to know as true evaporated overnight. Our perfect sleeper? No more. Our efficient bedtime routine? Out the window. Our marital bed meant for two? Completely vanished.
Although Mike and I have successfully gotten Mazzy to fall asleep in her own room, we now have a little friend that likes to visit in the middle of the night and camp out with us until morning.
Our intruder usually makes an appearance at around 4am, which also happens to be the exact time that "taking Mazzy back to bed" no longer seems worth the trouble. "Taking Mazzy back to bed" would mean a tantrum followed by a calm down period followed by a begging/pleading session where I try and FAIL to convince my daughter to stay in her room until daylight. The inevitable defeat would take place at around 6am when Mazzy would proclaim, "Look, Mommy! It's light out!" and then all my trouble and lost sleep would be for naught, because indeed, it is now officially MORNING.
Did I mention that 4am also happens to be the time when you realize you went to bed too late the night before and you don't have nearly enough hours of sleep left to make up for it and thus, the day ahead of you is bound to be a disaster?
This is why, when Mazzy stumbles in at 4am and says in her most manipulatively adorable voice, "Can I sleep with you, Mommy?", I just pull her up into the bed, plop her between my husband and me, and try to take advantage of some cuddle-time.
With my daughter. Not my husband. That's clearly OVER.
Now, if we all just stayed still and respected eachother's positions in the bed, that would be AWESOME.
But after about ten minutes of cuddling, Mazzy always seems to maneuver her body so that she is lying in the bed perpendicular to both Mike and me, so we all form one big H.
She also prefers my side to Mike's side, so while Daddy is allowed to take up his whole half of the bed, Mommy is relegated to a teeny tiny sliver of bed all the way on the edge (see photo up top). Plus, Mazzy's feet are always pressing against my back (I have to turn away from her to protect the belly) so I'm left trying to balance on a half inch of bed while literally getting kicked in the back, until slowly, slowly, I am edged out entirely.
This is my NEW REALITY.
But at the same time, the baby is coming in less than a month and things are about to change dramatically in ways none of us can imagine.
Can you blame me if I don't want to kick Mazzy out just yet?
That ten minutes of snuggle time before Mazzy pinwheels around also happens to be the BEST THING EVER.
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What's your bedtime sleeping arrangement?
Everything you just described including the picture? Was us before the baby arrived. I would literally be hanging off the edge of the bed. Well, the belly would be.
Enjoy the cuddles! It’s even more fun now with FOUR people on the bed, woohoo! (for the record, the baby hogs the bed)
What I know? Five people do not fit in my bed. Even when one of them is only 6 months old.
My side of the bed is also vastly preferred by my children. There have been fights over who sleeps next to me. At 3am in the morning.
Could a mother be blamed for having lost their smile some days?
My eldest was the same as Mazzy (can’t say I didn’t warn you when you first posted about doing the shift to a big girl bed! lol!). Once they know they can get out, forgetaboutitL Well, my first lasted until she was three thanks to the convertible crib – she still thought she was contained. Then once she realized she wasn’t trapped, she would sneak out. But, it was more at the start of the night – we would hear “THUMP! pad pad pad” as she hopped out and into our room. Since we were able to transfer her back when we went to bed, other than my back it was OK. There were the odd phases she had night awaknings but was more common from 12-24 months, then ended as she was more consistent staying asleep all night.
My second one is weird – she will lie in our bed to read, but does NOT want to sleep in our room, will ask to go to her own bed to sleep. Doesn’t even want to sleep in her sisters room, and if she wakes up to pee will still choose to go back to her own room rather than come into mine. Makes up for her first six months of life when I basically co-slept as she Lost-Her-Mind if I tried to settle her on her own, and I did not cope well with zero sleep and a screaming baby.
So – baby one slept well on her own as a baby then started for next few years to wake at night and want to sleep in our bed. Baby two slept horribly on her own as a baby, so was with me for six months, and from then on was completely content in her own bed. Maybe proponents of co-sleeping are not so crazy after all! 😉
P.S. I know the risks of co-sleeping in the form of bedsharing with a baby … I always tried to get her into her own sleep space. Some things are easier said than done, and I knew how to make my bed as safe as possible. Risk of SIDS was decidedly lower than risk of PPD.
Enjoy that little sliver of bed while you can because it will get a lot smaller when baby comes!
I thought my older daughter was a bed hogger. Well, baby cakes puts her to shame. She’ll roll right over me without waking up.
And why is it that they always prefer mommy’s side of the bed?!
Side note: I always love to hear when other people are in this same situation. People without young kids are all “Oh NO. That would NOT happen in my house.” But when it means the slight possibility of precious sleep, you better bet your ass they can climb in.
We have the same issue. You have talked before about the nest that Mazzy likes to make with your comforter, maybe you could make her that nest at 4am. Tell her that you will cuddle for a minute and then she needs to sleep on the floor in the nest. When you cuddle her, make sure she is on the outside of the bed, not between you and Mike.
Then again – my kid is 5 and still sneaks into our bed 4 out of 7 nights a week – so consider the source!
Funny you should mention putting Mazzy on the outside of the bed. I tried that last night and you know what happened? Poor thing fell on the floor.
Quinn’s still in a crib and unable to climb out (thank God) but I am not looking forward to sharing the bed. I already have issues sleeping and my husband sleeps through EVERYTHING. I’m sure I’ll feel the same way you do, and cherish the sweet moments though 🙂
They do grow out of it a bit. But yeah, that’s why I insisted on slowing down my husband’s eagerness to “get a big kid bed!” each time. We went through period of four in the bed for a while, and sometimes my husband got to sleep in the big kid bed he was so happy to purchase just months earlier.
With my second, we co-slept for the first 13 or so months. It made nursing so much easier at night!
We’ve co-slept on and off since birth, always for the same reason…utter laziness on ur part. Whatever the parenting issue it works until it doesn’t, and with a brand new baby I have a feeling Mazzy will somehow get the boot. Good luck!
My son was a perfect sleeper until we moved him to a toddler bed, too. Then he started bursting into our rom at 5AM. This lasted exactly three nights – until we installed a gate at his door. Now he can open and close the door and look out into the hallway, but he can’t actually get out of his room. Since he’d only had freedom for three nights, it only took about a week for him to eesume his previous sleep habits. We’re so glad we turned his room into a gigantic crib. Also, not looking forward to the day he is tall enough to climb over that gate.
I’ve always wondered about sexytime and hard core “family bed” types. I mean.. They’re always having kids but their kids are sleeping with them at night??? My son is in the 12-24month old not sleeping thing that everyone told me would happen but I didn’t believe so usually I end up sleeping sitting up on one end of the couch while he stretches out on the other end and Nick Jr plays in the background.
I miss my perfect sleeper. We tried to bring him to bed with us once, when my back couldn’t take another night of the couch and he just stood up and bounced(how do they instinctively know that bouncing on the bed is AWESOME?) then started trying to pry our eyes open while saying “AW, so CUTE”.
I love that you’re letting Mazzy enjoy this little time before baby! And sorry to hear she fell off the bed! Probably won’t discourage her though, right? haha
Somehow we have avoided this. I think it has to do with the lock on our bedroom door. By the time they are able to thwart it, they are used to their beds.
I’m pretty sure my daughter would try to join us if she didn’t share a room with her brother–she just doesn’t want to be alone.
Having an infant awake throughout the night (in a small apartment) will create an entirely new routine I’m sure.
Meanwhile, enjoy that snuggle time.
I have been having lots of feelings about this lately. We switched Anna to a big girl bed about two months ago and she did good for awhile and then started coming in about 5 AM and crawling in with us. We solved this by closing her door, which she can’t open herself. She knows she can’t get out of her room now so doesn’t even try. The hard part though? That snuggle time. She is not snuggly kid in general, but for some reason at 5 AM she is. We have a baby coming in three weeks too, and I want to soak up as much of her as I can right now. Oh the conundrums!
My husband would kill me if I posted a picture of him in his underwear, no matter what the purpose was.
That aside, we have three kids, my youngest is four, my oldest is almost eight and my middle is almost 6.
Hypothetically, they go to sleep in their own bed.
In reality, the oldest falls asleep on her bed or the couch in her room. My middle falls asleep on her bed, as will my son.
Somewhere during the night they will migrate into me and my husband’s bed, lie across the middle of the bed and kick my husband in the back. Good times!
It’s so nice to hear that I’m not the only one who lets the kids creep into our bed due to sheer exhaustion! You’re so right. Sometimes it is just not worth the effort to get them back into their own bed.
Everything you just said is exactly how things were before our baby 🙂 Now instead of my husband asking when I’m getting the cock-blocker out of our bed he says when are you getting the cock-blockers out of our bed 🙂 Good luck!!!
Reminded me of this:
http://www.howtobeadad.com/2011/6452/baby-sleep-positions-%e2%80%9ch-hell%e2%80%9d
Mazzy is not typically a snuggly kid either which is a huge part of my dilemma.
Also, at bedtime, we were using “closing the door” as a threat to keep her in her room when we put her to bed at night, because we knew she couldn’t open it. It was working brilliantly.
Then, two nights ago, I made the threat and she says, “Close the door.” I was like— OK! And then she surprised us by totally knowing how to open it. She was pitter pattering in the hallway in a manner of seconds.
There goes that.
This is what king size beds were invented for.
My daughter was never one to sleep in our bed, even when she was sick. But the little guy slept in our bed most nights until about 6 months ago, when he just took himself into his own bed one night and that was it. He still comes barging in at 6am, but usually finds the ipad and is happy. But when he was in our bed, he also did that sideways sleeping thing Mazzy is doing here. Without fail.
We’re about to move into our “big boy bed”…this is my nightmare. Dear Santa, please bring me a California Queen for Christmas this year 🙂
I meant King…unless they make something bigger than that…Do they?! Oh, Google…
We let our little Mariah suck us into this trap when she turned two, and it has taken us almost two years to get her back into ther bed full time. I am certainly no expert, but I’d say the fight to keep her in her bed (or out of yours) might be worth it now. This is what we did to get her out: We gave her a place to sleep in our room (a little fold out foam couch) and put it next to Daddy, since that’s where she wanted to be. After a week, we moved it closer to the door, but she still had to sleep there. Eventually it went next to the door, and then it went into her room. It worked, but it required some 3 a.m. fighting at times. Good luck!
We co-slept on and off with our babies (crib in our room, but in our bed to nurse at night), but they moved into their own rooms around a year old when I night-weaned. Since then, they occasionally wake and need a snuggle, but usually go back to their own beds. Definitely by 3 years old they’re sleeping pretty much through the night in their own rooms by themselves. Now, my youngest (who will be 3 in January) wakes up around 5:30am, which is too early for me to want to be awake, but too late to do the “go back to your own bed” fight. So, I take him potty (he’s actually dry all night – yay!) and then he usually snuggles with me for 10 minutes and either falls back asleep (not usually) or gets up to play in the play room down the hall until about 6:15 when I get the older two up for school. He’s finally tall enough he can turn the playroom light on himself, and we have a baby gate at the top of the stairs so he can’t get into trouble before I’m up. I don’t usually do more than doze from that point on, but some extra time in bed is nice. We’re expecting our 4th in early spring, so I’m sure that our dynamic will change again. Oh, and we have a king size bed that still fits everyone (for now) when we want to have a family snuggle.
I was the same type of parent “my kid would never sleep with me” until reality hit me, enjoy it for a minute, then you could always sneak out of the bed and go to her bedroom to sleep. 🙂
But, when my husband deployed for 6 months last year, I’d frequently have one or two kids in my bed for most of the night (they all started in their own beds though). Didn’t have a problem getting them back into their rooms when he got home since it was easy to explain that Daddy needed his side of the bed back, but they needed to feel a little extra secure while he was gone.
We used the door knob safety thingies that make it so little hands can’t turn the knob—on the outside of our door and/or on the inside of theirs. They can get out of bed but not out of the room without help. You may have to get up if she’s making lots of noise but then you can take the opportunity to snuggle in her bed and then if Mazzy is like my boys she will kick you out when she’s had enough, “Ready to sleep now” is what they said to me. It worked for us, good luck!
LOL – this is why my 3 1/2 year old is still in a crib.
Oh well – enjoy it as hopefully she won’t still want to do it when she’s 13.
We have a queen sized bed and two critters who both went through similar phases. We were able to regain our solitude when we implemented a “good night chart” posted on their bedroom door, clearly visible from their beds. Each night they stayed in their own bed, they received a sticker. Once the chart was filled (10 days to 2 weeks, long enough to change their sleep pattern) they were able to go shopping and pick out a toy they wanted. It may have been bribery but it worked like a charm!
Uh-oh. I don’t think my husband has seen it yet. I hope he doesn’t mind!
Ours happened a little differently, it was after the baby came. Our daughter got wise to the fact that the bassinet was in our room and therefore, that means her brother was getting to sleep with mommy and daddy. Our pop ins can begin anywhere from midnight to 5 am. If it happens before daddy comes to bed, he picks her up and puts her back in her bed, but if he’s already in bed, he just lifts her up and lets her come in unless she’s encroaching on his space. Then he kicks her out. But if she’s pushing in on my side, who cares. The worst is when the baby won’t settle, I have him on my chest and her pushing me out of the bed. So I lie awake on my two inches of bed trying not to drop him, squish her or fall out onto the floor myself.
One good bout of “sickies” and the “sleep in yer own bed” rule wasn’t just broken… it is like it never existed. We call the 3 yr old the “Bed Ninja” because sometimes we just wake up and there he is… neither of us sure when and how he got there….
I was so happy to read this today as my 2.5 year old has done the same thing ever since, he got his big boy bed. we had a couple of weeks of sleeping through the night and ever since, he arrives at various times during the night. We did the sleep on the floor then for a long time we had a cot and now he is in the bed and we also often end up in the H with the feet digging and kicking into Mommy. Sometimes it is just nice to know there are others out there.
Nothing and no one can get in the way of our “sexy time”. My solution, put blankets over their heads and turn off the night light…and voila, sexy time commences!
My son was only 16 months old when my daughter was born. We tried the toddler bed thing a couple of months before I had our daughter, but my son was NOT having it. So we went back to the crib and that’s where he stayed until he was closer to 3 years old! We all slept better that way and when we did make the switch to a toddler bed it wasn’t a problem at all. The only downfall was we did end up having to buy a second crib for baby number two but to me that’s a small sacrifice to make in order to get good rest! Wish I could offer some helpful tips on how to get Mazzy back in her toddler bed before the new arrival but other than the above, I’m just not sure!
I have 5 kids, and I only had issues with my middle and youngest boys when they both were 4. They learned quickly that if they came to Mommy’s side, I’d tell them to go back to bed. If they went to Daddy’s side, he would (usually while still sleeping) put them in bed between us. In which case, it would be MY side of the bed being hogged, and I would go sleep in my recliner. I can tell you, it didn’t last long with either of them. Mama don’t play that game.
I’m sure she’s ok! You’re right that taking her back at 4am is not worth it, especially if you have to do it. I hope that when the new baby arrives, you will be able to figure out a new situation so that everyone can get much needed sleep. We removed the rail from our 2-yr old’s crib a few months ago. Except for the nightly struggle of bath/fall asleep/stop getting out, he sleeps through the night. Once in a while he wakes 2-3 times a night but stands in his room and cries until one of us comes. Luckily, he falls back to sleep almost right away.
With my youngest (of 4) in high school, it’s just fond memories of waking up with a foot in my face. But I learned that if they were with me, there was an empty bed just waiting. Even though sometimes they followed me back to their own bed.
Don’t worry, she will move back to her bed in about 8 years. {evil laugh}. This is why we have a toddler bed next to our bed. When the pinwheels start happening, I push her off our bed into her own. (because I, too, love me some snuggles)
That was my first thought too, lol.
This looks very familiar. VERY FAMILIAR. It’s gotten so bad that I actually have started sleeping horizontally at the bottom of the bed just so I can have a little space!
I have 4 kids. I knew I’d given up the fight for my bed when I traded the queen size in for a king. Now the kids are all teens, I’m divorced and a 7 pound dog takes up just as much room as the kids and the ex.
Oh my gosh, this is the story of our last year. The minute we put the twins in big kid beds, they were in ours, every, single night. I was pregnant and they always slept on my side. We luckily broke them before the baby got here. I think I got a total of three hours of sleep this whole last year… but the cuddling is nice, and I know ‘ll miss it when they don’t think I’m cool anymore…lol.
Oh yes. You just described my last 3 weeks. She will not sleep in her crib and with her second birthday inching closer, I need my cuddle baby time.
Btw, your hubs has a nice..um…sleeping position. 🙂
This has been my life for about 3 weeks now. I cherish the cuddles in bed but could do with some real sleep. I’m a total sucker since she’ll be 2 next week. Sigh. I can’t win.
Btw, I love your husband..um…sleeping position. 🙂
Why not put a sleeping bag by the side of the bed and tell her to sleep in it? That might make her stay in her bed. No one likes to sleep on the floor, after all.
Oh, don’t worry, Ilana. If she and/or new baby are anything like I was, then you’ll get your bed back by the time the little one is in second grade.
Yes, one of the reasons I’ve held off on having kids is the fear of karma for that.
Omg, I love this picture…it looks staged!!! Lol
Was your husband mad at you for putting pictures of him in his boxers out there for the world to see????
Omg I love it. You and I have same age daughter and I go through something similar. I had another baby and I wouldn’t move my 2yr old until I had her and we moved her into her crib at 2 months. I didn’t want 2 babies in my bed. Londyn (oldest) started trying to jump out of her crib before baby #2 preslie. I dropped the crib mattress! That lasted until my plan of when preslie was 2 months. What a change to be bed. They fight w you want you to stay with them etc. it’s a good thing she is a sleeper and doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night or early. But when she’s sick she comes in our room and that little sliver of room in your picture is me as well while my husband has all this room. It’s crazy how kids move and when does this stop because us as adults are fine. Good luck w your new baby 2 kids in the room will be hard and forget about sex all together 🙁
Put a rail on your bed, then she can be on the outside. Yes I did that it made my bed look weird especially if she wasn’t in it, but worked. Also, I had totally forgot until now, that we also made a bedspace in our room using a cot /foam mattress and sleeping bag – so she was in our room but not our bed, and that did work but mind you at that point she was 5 so significantly older than Mazzy. I spent a lot of effort on it so she wouldn’t feel left out and kicked out of our room when the baby came, and then the baby came, was noisy, I didn’t raise no fool – she from then on wanted to consistently sleep in only her own room! lol! Prior to that, as mentioned before – was phases /bursts of waking vs staying asleep, wanting to start in our room, wanting to remain in our room, wanting me in her room mixed with fine being in her room alone. And while I LOVE my sleep I agree – miss the snuggles 🙁 Double edged sword …
We were worried about the same thing when I was prego with #2. We switched my son into his big boy bed when he was 2 1/2…just about 5 months before his sister came. BUT! I had the idea to put one of those childproof door knob locks on the INSIDE of his room. If he needs us for whatever reason he just knocks (or gets on the floor and yells under the crack LOL). While it is a pain in the rear to get out of bed to attend to whatever he’s whining for, it’s better than him jumping on us at 4am ready to play!
Izzy turned 3 on 9.19 Joseph arrived (5 days late) on 9.25.12. Reading your post/stories is like reading my own. Take heart you ARE NOT ALONE. Izzy started coming into our room when she started sleeping in her toddler bed. I spent time on the floor in her room while I was pregnant (once I got to big to lay in the toddler bed w. her) just like you have. I also let her climb into our bed at 4 just like you b/c your RIGHT it’s too much of a hassle to walk her back to bed at 4am. Lucky for us when the hubby works he gets up right around then and Izzy can just have his side 🙂
Once your little bundle of joy arrives you’ll have a whole new set of worries. If we put the baby in bed with us b/c he won’t sleep any other way I’m worried that Izzy will come in climb over our sleeping bodies and smother her brother….so that’s fun. With Izzy we let her cry some before rushing to her side, with Joseph I can’t really do that b/c I’m afraid that he will wake his older sister up and then I’ll NEVER get to sleep again.
Again take heart, your not alone. Your blog/stories are a constant reminder that I’m not either. Thank you for that. I look forward to the adventures you’ll have when there are 2, that is if you find time to still write them. 😉
Oh lordy. I’m with you on your whole train of thought (including the 4am thing about going to bed too, too late). I still have an infant, but ooooh boy… now I know how it goes down.
I had this bright idea to tell my kids they were NOT allowed to leave their beds but could, instead, call for me if they ever needed me.
They totally fell for it and never ever slept in bed with us.
But.
I did have to get up often. And yeah. That kind of sucked.
Still, we preserved the “sanctity of our marital bed” (although let’s be honest; were too tired to do much about it) and eventually the kids stopped calling because there wasn’t much reward:
Mom comes in. She’s tired. She says please go back to sleep. Sometimes I might have begged. Or cried.
No one wanted to see that.
Thankfully our daughter is still in a cot so something to look forward too. What I would do if I really needed sleep… Go sleep in her bed, she may not notice and stay in your bed…think of all the space you would have, an entire single bed!!
Her knowing how to open her door has an easy solution. Get out your drill and turn the door handle around so the lock is on the outside. You can lock her in, if you need to. Our pediatrician told us about this because my oldest son (now 9) used to wander around the house while we were sleeping and get into things. I caught him trying to cook an egg on a gas stove one night.
Locking them in their rooms is much less dangerous. Plus, it’s PERFECT on Christmas Eve. 🙂
My middle one is the bed intruder. He comes to my side of the bed pretty much EVERY morning, I presume between 2-3 and says, “Mommy, can I snuggle?” It’s cute and all but yes, tiring. P.S. He’s FIVE. ;P
Dang! I know this day is coming, but for now we’re enjoying the benefits of the closed door. Once #2 is here in the next few weeks it won’t matter much, since no one will be getting any sleep anyway! Ha! Good luck with these last couple weeks of your pregnancy.
You honestly recreated what my bed looks like every night. I occupy the very same sliver every night, except I don’t have the pregnant belly.
Been there. Done that. SOOOO painful. But she will grow out of it.
20 weeks pregnant and I can’t seem to muster UP The energy to transfer our five year old out of her toddler bed to her big girl bed, we’ve resorted to negotiating nights that she can sleep with us. And on those nights, I’m this close to sleeping in the “big girl bed”, which is already set up.
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We also did the baby gate at the door. He can open the door, see the lights off & go back to bed (he usually re-shuts the door too).
My cousin taught their twin girls how to read 7:00 on a projector-style clock & told them that they could not wake up mom or dad until the clock said 7:00.
My daughter is 5, and I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and she sleeps in our bed with us, just like Mazzy, leaving me with a tiny sliver of the bed to sleep on, pregnant belly hanging off and all. I hope she goes back to her own bed before the baby is born! I can’t imagine having 2 kids sleeping in my bed, when it’s already this uncomfortable with just one.
Anybody ever heard of an ass beating if they don’t stay in their room?