Did you know the iPad doesn’t work in the car except if we are on really long road trips? Also, the playground closes right around nap time. And we have a box of cookies that depletes itself rather quickly (“Sorry hon, there are none left”) and then refills itself magically overnight.
Which is a good thing because eating too many sweets is AGAINST THE LAW.
Much like crossing the street without holding an adult’s hand.
And wearing pajamas to school.
Speaking of school, did you know they won’t let you in, if you haven’t taken a bath? Yep, they will literally lock the doors and bar your entrance.
And on the way back home from school, you shouldn’t touch anything you find on the sidewalk. Why? BECAUSE DOGS HAVE PEED ON IT. Pieces of paper, piles of leaves, fire hydrants, planters, front stoops, parked cars, all of it. Dogs have peed on every exposed outdoor surface in NYC.
There is also a toy store we pass quite regularly that is less a place to buy toys and more of a TOY MUSEUM. Sometimes the $3 animal figurines by the front counter are available for purchase but the five story dollhouses and the $100 block sets and the miniature drum kits are for DISPLAY ONLY.
Have you seen the ice cream truck lately? Not the one that sells “pretend ice cream” (we see that one all the time) but the one that legitimately sells real ice cream. That one is much harder to find.
And don’t try to play the Hokey Pokey on iTunes more than three times in a row because the computer will break. Yep, a whole day needs to pass before it is safe to play it again.
Also, Calliou, Curious George and Strawberry Shortcake all go to bed at the exact same time as my daughter so if she wakes up in the middle of the night, there is no way to watch them on television.
Does parenthood immediately inaugurate you into a world of compulsive liars?
Don’t ask me… I’m too busy counting the days until I can reveal my severe allergy to dogs. And cats. All animals really. Even reptiles.
I’ve had that gem ready since my mother told it to me.
She still stands by it.
LIAR.
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What lies do you tell your kids?
For your answers and a handy guide to lying to your kids, click here.
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Hahaha. Right at the same moment you were posting on FB about watching NickMom, one of my FB friends was posting “WTF is NICKMOM?! My kids just had a total meltdown because Nick Jr. is ‘broken’!!!!”
Yeah. 10 pm there is 7 here. Kids are still up and jonesing for some Nick Jr. Just sayin’.
I don’t really lie. I say no.
Ha! Funny. But dogs *have* peed on every available surface in New York City, so that one’s not really a lie.
My parents told me they bought me at Hills (the old version of Target when I was growing up) and if I was bad they would return me….
I don’t think I’ll use that one, but they really had me going!
None of these lies work on teenagers. Unfortunately.
I assure you— I tell Mazzy “no” about 50,000 times a day. Which is almost nearly as much as she tells me “no”.
Uh-oh. That’s rough! Do they have On Demand in California? Mazzy actually has no idea that there are channels that play continuous children’s programming. We watch everything through DVR and Netflix.
Our iPad takes naps regularly 🙂
McDonald’s ran out of food… that’s a pretty common one at our house.
I’ve definitely used the “Caillou is sleeping” – just insert any number of names. And we have assuredly traumatized our son with fake phone calls to the mayor of our town to let him know that a child in his care was not eating his vegetables.
I’ll be paying in years of therapy – for all of us!
I tried the against the law line and I was told by my two year old, “But you told me Cops are nice, Mommy. They won’t yell at me!” And off she ran. I’ve resorted to threats of someone taking her or bribes of fruit snacks (depending on her ‘tude that day) and it seems to be doing the job just the same!
Lies: when the smoke detector blinks it means santa is watching you so you better be good! The candy despensers that are everywhere…. thise are just decoration. It’s not real candy in there and it doen’t come out. That sound that you hear… thats is NOT the ice cream truck, sadly we dont have those in our neighborhood. That is just the MUSIC truck that drives by to play nice music for all the kids in their houses!
My biggest and longest standing lie – our TV does not get Nickelodeon (for the mere fact that I cannot stand Sponge Bob. It is like kid crack.) That lie lasted until they stumbled upon the channel by accident one day. Sigh. They are still not allowed to watch Sponge Bob.
(I have already pass code locked MTV)
I had mine convinced that the emergency room was closed on the weekends. He believed it until his was about 12.
I haven’t had to go there with my 14 month old yet, but my SIL told my niece – 1)there are bats in the garage 2)if she wouldn’t wear a dress I wouldn’t let her come to my wedding and 3)Grandpa threw her pacifier in the garbage.I don’t know about the bat thing, but I knwo that last two bit her in the butt!
The ice cream truck only plays music when it’s out of ice cream. And the biggest lie of all. Santa.
I tell my 4 year old that if she says a bad word her tongue will immediately fall out….which to date she hasn’t tested the theory.
my mother growing up told me if i ate raw dough it would expand and rise and my stomach would explode…i STILL have a mental block with that one and wont do it lol (which yes, means i’m quite pathetic…i’ve realized this :D)
I tell them that I’m not allowed to cross the street without holding their hands. For some reason, that works better.
My favorite lie is that deer are Santa’s spies. We regularly have them out back, so their behavior improves rapidly on sighting. They also seem to realize that the Deer Crossing sign is because they’ve been spotted in the area, so not only do they start singing “Santa Clause is Coming To Town,” but they also stop fighting in the car. This even works in July, so I’m not above using what works.
My Mom told me that if you ate raw dough it would give you worms…to this day I can’t eat raw cookie dough.
I don’t remember any major stories I told my kids…I guys I was blessed with prettyreasonable kids and”no” with an explanation was usually sufficient. I had a friend who was always telling their kids, “if you don’t listen, the police will come!” Or “if you do____the monsters will get you”…I just always though that was lame and almost cruel. Instead of knowing actual consequences, the put kids were always worried about something our someone coming to get them…But, they are pretty well behaved good kids…so maybe, what do I know, lol.
Although…at one time when my little boys was misbehaving, we would ask him, “is that the way a good Gator Fan would act?” The fate of all of Gator Nation was on his head…
I’ve put the Yo Gabba Gabba CD in the player upside down in my car so I could fake like it was broken.
Gibbs from NCIS and the Chicago Bears are also so awesome top watch that that even Doc McStuffins and Dora drop everything, including their time slots, to watch them, and therefore there is nothing else on TV.
And there is a worldwide macaroni and cheese shortage, and we have to limit our consumption to twice a week.
I have a special pair of glasses that can see if you used your toothbrush.
‘That belongs to the store.’ Not really a lie, and surely going to be short lived but has been working for the last couple years anyway =)
1. No one goes outside to play after the sun goes down.
2. 3 cookies will make you barf.
3. Spiderman eats all HIS dinner.
4. Your little sister doesn’t know any better. (Not true, but it keeps the whining to a minimum)
5. Green peppers are green beans. Black olives are black pickles. Brussel sprouts are round broccoli.
… I could go on….
http://dontchewonthedinnertable.blogspot.com/
LOL..I lie all the time. About the police, about bath time, about how much candy one person can eat in one day.
I love that you do too…and I literally giggled at all your “lies” 😉
Pinning this to my “when I have kids” board.
Oh, I have used so many over the years. Most of yours sound very familiar.
I think my best may be that my kids believe I have eyes in the back of my head that see EVERYTHING. They think the “back eyes” grow in after you have a baby, lol.
My personal favorite is to tell the girl that the grocery carts with cars on the front of them are broken and they park them out front for the mechanics to pick them up. Sadly, they’re always parked out there waiting to be picked up to be fixed.
Once the child found this horrifyingly ugly GIANT fake flower at the store that she just HAD to have. We tried everything to get her to give it up. So hubs convinced a random stranger (who was lovely enough to play along) to tell Darling Girl that the flower was hers and she’d been looking all over for it. The girl totally bought it and gave the flower up to this woman. That was pretty much the best lie EVER.
the next step up from repetitions of hokey-pokey on i-tunes is “red rum” in a dark bathroom.
I taught my three year old to crook her finger and say ” red rum” in a most evil voice. Best ( and cheapest yet on adults, most effective!) Hallowe’en Costume Ever!! 🙂
I told my kids the ice cream truck only plays music when they are OUT of ice cream!
I don’t know why, maybe I watched one too many episodes of True Blood. But my 9 and 3 year old were screetching and screaming and driving me nuts, so in the spirit of ” every time a baby laughs a fairy gets its wings” I blurted out ” every time you yell, you are calling a werewolf to our home! ” Potentially evil, maybe. Though before you judged too harshly, I was obviously suppressing a giggle and my 9 year old who hates scary things merely rolled her eyes and ” Mooo-oooom”ed me. My three year old on the other hand just started screaming louder. Before you call Child Services, it wasn’t in fear – oh no, she just figured out that now she knew how to lure werewolfs … oh well, served me right I suppose! lol!
I am completely using that one about the deer.
i use “that belongs to the store” for lots of stuff…mostly balloons. and the bag of goldfish is large, but there are only about 10 goldfish in the bag. it magically refills overnight too.
my mom told me all sorts of lies. the ice cream man was on a test run. cocoa krispies were only sold in long island, where my aunt and uncle lived, but not in new jersey, where they were only on display. she changed the clocks to midnight on the new year’s eves that i wanted to stay awake. turkey was just big chicken, and the vacuum would suck everything off of the floor if i didn’t clean my room.
When the ice cream truck is playing songs, that means they’re all out of ice cream!
I completely convinced my kids and nephews that a person is very allergic to beer until they turn 21, because then you become a grown-up and the allergy goes away.
Your one about the tongue is great!! It reminded me that I used to tell my kids that if they told a lie thier nose would grow (Pinocchio style). They believed it so much that still to this day my middle daughter (who is 8) will hold her nose when she is lying!! It gives her away everytime!!
Guilty!
But I don’t call these lies. These are means to an end. Just the other day I helped protect our environment by telling my almost three year old that the printer is broken and can’t possibly “spit out” the cute picture of an ostrich he loves so much!
wow 2012 i remember 1982 as a better year.
I LOVE this! I can tell you, the pet allergy thing works at *least* until age 10 – hopefully much longer.
We told Lil’ Bit that Caillou is sitting in timeout. Permanently.
Also, Thomas, Curious George, and Angelina Ballerina go to bed when the nightly news comes on.
And finally, if she doesn’t sit buckled into her car seat like a good girl, the policeman will come and put Mommy in timeout.
(OK, that last one is actually kind of true.)
I love that one about Santa!
I’ve had to lie about the lazy, no-good Tooth Fairy being a no-show. Lying to your kids is an instinctual act of self-preservation. Otherwise we wouldn’t make it out of motherhood alive.
Candy at the check out lines is only for smelling, it’s not for sale!
Anything on the ground has been pooped on. I stand by that lie through thick or thin.
Your lies are awesome. I hope you share your fav comments too! I also tell my 2YO that Callilou is sleeping after 8:30pm. Actually, our cable was out when we moved, and we told him that it was broken and would be fixed later. He’s watched TV a few times since it was fixed but doesn’t ask for every day like he used to. He also says sometimes that it’s broken, even though we don’t say it either. It’s weird but also great b/c we can spend more time together!
forget ‘elf on the shelf,’ santa has put a gnome in our home with a hidden camera that he periodically watches. problem is, i collect gnomes, so my sons don’t know which one is watching.
THIS post should be in parenting books. Far more informative than “when to give a time out” or “when is it really ok to put blankets in the crib?” …I haven’t yet had to make up lies because my daughter is only a year old, but I imagine it’s a very similar process to coming up with the lies I tell myself. Like “the dryer keeps shrinking my clothes” and “the shower doesn’t really need to be cleaned because you use soap in it”.
I’m totally lmao at ” when the smoke detector blinks it means santa is watching you”. That is fantastic!
I tell my kids (4 & 3) that smoke detectors are in-fact ‘Santa cameras’ (and that he shares them with the easter bunny and any other fantasy figure I can possibly think of!) – the beauty of that lie is that everywhere has smoke detectors (the store, friends houses…) and it usually just takes a quick “oh, wow, there is a santa camera here too” for me to have 2 perfect angels shopping with me 🙂
I live in Chicago, but was born and raised in New York and that is exactly what I thought reading about that ‘lie.” Not to mention people have spat, etc. on the ground. Eeeeeuw! And as for the Caillou is sleeping I talk about how all my kids friends are sleeping because at 10 pm, they probably are. I tend more to stretch the truth, like your teeth will fall out and you won’t grow if you live on candy, cheddar bunnies and gelato.
Well, go for it, but don’t be surprised when, as they reach adolesence, they aren’t entirely honest about where they’re going, who they’re going out with or what they’re getting up to.
My mother told me that if you played with fire, you’d pee the bed. Imagine my horror when it actually came true when I was seven years old. I was a believer.
I generally avoid lying to our children. I hated finding out when I had been lied to as a child. The only one that I can think of recently that I keep telling my oldest daughter is that Fairies and Fairies Princesses take baths each night and have their hair brushed everyday and cannot leave the house without having done so. (She’s 3 and recently discovered TinkerBell.) She doesn’t mind playing in the water, but washing…ugh. And her hair gets so tangly so easily, so I have to brush it every day or it becomes this matted mess.
I told her an even bigger one earlier this year, but it’s super sad and if I hadn’t she probably would have freaked out knowing the truth and having seem the truth. 🙁 We got a puppy, but on the way home he had a seizure-like episode and died. (The girls were asleep in the back of the car, and we were pulled over on the side of the road. Our oldest woke up just after we had placed him in the trunk. 🙁 ) The vet thought that it was toxins. Anyway, I told her that he couldn’t come home with us, that he went to live somewhere else, that he was in a good place though. She was so upset because she was so excited to get a puppy, though it was technically my husband’s. She thought that it was her fault, that we couldn’t have him because she was bad, the list goes on. After a couple of days, she eventually forgot.
I have my 4yo son convinced that the on demand and DVR only play once a day…. So that way I don’t have to watch the same show over and over again
Our computers, laptops, and TVs are always on the verge of “overheating” when too many shows are viewed so they must rest and cool down. 😉
The best one I told my 3 year old in NYC is that the cops in the middle of the intersection pretending to direct traffic are actually there to monitor and punish children’s behavior- so no tantrums. It worked so well I almost felt guilty!!
that santa lie! LMAO!! Too funny/brilliant, I’m totally stealing it. Haha, made my day!
I have to hold HER hand! Love that!
ROUND BROCCOLI!!!!!!
Did you know they’ll make you stay in second grade if you can’t tie your shoes? That’s what I told my son who still couldn’t tie them at 7 and had no interest in learning.
When we were potty training my daughter (and we had a planned trip to Disney World coming up soon), I told her that Mickey Mouse didn’t like diapers, and that he had banned them from his park. I told her that there were people standing at the entrance checking for diapers, and if they found out that a child was wearing them, they wouldn’t let them into the park. When we got to Disney World, we had a potty trained little girl, and she never asked why there were babies at Disney World 🙂
Ohh those are such good ones! I have to start using these!
You mean that’s not true? 🙂
When I found out my parents had made things up, it made me laugh. It was silly.
I wasn’t upset at them for being dishonest.
I don’t really have any need to tell my toddler any lies at all. I tell her the truth and help her cope with it.
Some things we can’t explain to a 3 years old (they would not understand, or would not be appropriate for the age), but, in such cases, I tell her it’s simply wrong or against the rules (but those are rare, it’s almost always possible to simplify a situation in a way the child will understand).
Yep, I’m with you 100%.
i’m not exactly sure if this is a lie, but it happened on accident. I once told my daughter (now 11) when she was around 3 or 4 that she “better wipe that smirk off her face.” She asked me what’s a smirk? I said its whats on your face right now and you BETTER wipe it off!!! She then proceeded to walk away (which made me mad until she told me what she was doing) she said she was going to the mirror so she could see the smirk too. Well my hubby being the funny guy that he is ran to her and wiped her face and then wiped his hands on his pants with a disgusted look on his face and told her don’t worry about it cuz he wiped it for her. She was severely disappointed that she didn’t get to view this smirk. At this point he and I are dying laughing because she is basically throwing a fit cuz daddy didn’t let her see it. Everytime I would tell her to wipe that smirk off her face it was literally a race between me and daddy to wipe it off before she could get to a mirror…laughs were laughed and tears were shed…and then more laughs…we literally kept this going til she was almost ten and saw a mom tell a teen daughter on tv to “wipe the smirk off her face”. Needless to say, when she figured it out she was pissed and laughing all at the same time…especially when she realized how many years we had been torturing her with the elusive, disgusting, nasty, awful, don’t get it on me…SMIRK!!!!! 🙂
That is GENIUS to tell them YOU cannot cross the street without holding THEIR hands. Seriously!!! Love that.
You can only go to Chuck E Cheese if you’re invited to a birthday party. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because the only one in our town closed down (wink, wink!)
My children have a very short aunt (4’10”). I sent her a text last week saying, “you didn’t eat your vegetables! Got it?” So a couple minutes later, when my kids called and asked her why she was so short, she replied, “I didn’t eat my vegetables as a kid.”
My children also “know” the tooth fairy is on a very strict schedule if they aren’t asleep by 9 she will pass our house and try again the next night. Unlucky for my kids, our house is early on her route…She is also short and can’t find the bed in a messy room. Guarantees my kids clean their room and go to bed on time at least 20 times in their childhood.
So Santa, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy don’t visit your house??
When we’re at the store and the toddler wants to buy something-because he wants to but Everythibg- the store isn’t selling it. The other day we were in macys and he wanted to buy a Dyson..oh no too bad they’re only selling pans today we’ll come back on a day when they sell vaccuums. So far it’s still working!
You cannot eat the seed / without biting, otherwise a plant will grow inside your tummy and grow through your mouth! (applies to anything such as peas, corn, not eating apple seed in fruits)
You cannot take your trains/car/wagons in your pocket with you to the car, because then they’ll (refers to the train/wagon – Thomas or Victor or Diesel) go away and never come back home.
Partial truth- You cannot drink the water in the tub, it is dirty (bath time).
Our neighborhood had a dancing truck!
It’s amazing that Barney works on grandparents’ television, but not ours. Ever. Even though there are ads for it.
They had my little sister convinced she was really born on leap day, and she was so little because she only had one birthday every four years. They would also ask my sister and I how to spell “gullible” and we would spell our own names. When I get fed up with a show, I tell my son that “so and so” (usually jake form jake and the never land pirates) is on vacation. He sees right through it, but after I told him Jake could either be on vacation, or he could move away and never come back, my son agreed that Jake was just on vacation. Other than that I’m pretty blunt with him. On the rare occasions I do “lie” I know he’ll see right through it and know I’m kidding. Except for Santa. He believes in Santa. He only believes in the tooth fairy because we told him she only brings money to people who believe in her. He’s 5. Is it just me, or are kids out growing the “imagination” stuff a lot faster than we did?
I tell my 3 year old all the time “But our car won’t go that way!” Then we proceed to “tell” the car to go whichever way she wants it to go. But of course, it never works. Stupid car. 🙂 It just so happens to go only where mommy wants it to go….
we told my then 5yr old that the “TV people” didn’t turn on the cable until after 6am. She was frequently waking between 430am and 5:30am and wanting to watch TV.
We also turned off the power to the cable box so if she turned on the TV nothing would show up 😉
I tell my son that if he doesn’t brush his teeth all his teeth will fall out (which is true…really). I also tell my son that yogurt is ice cream.
My own mother told me my hair would go curly if I ate my crusts. I ate all my crusts for years before I realized it was not true. I laugh about that one all the time.
When my son, at about 9 years old, he realized mommy and daddy were Santa, he angrily turned to me and stated “What else have you lied to me about?”
As a teacher of early childhood children, I have always loved the wonderment and magical times of the holidays. But one family really made me reconsider Santa…..they chose to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and their children new Santa didn’t bring them their gifts. The precious little girl shared her story but also said “I know all the other kids believe, so I won’t spoil it for them.” So adorable. Her family always has a birthday cake and they sing for Jesus blowing out the candles and celebrating their faith, love and joy.
I myslef love Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, mischievous leprechaun, etc…. Holiday celebrations have always been big ib our family so its fun to continue the traditions with our grandchildren.
I love this blog. My mother had a twisted sense of humor but now I tell my kids these family favorites
– you should always wear a hat in the winter. If the wind blows through your ears you could get brain cancer.
-if you roll your eyes at your mother when the wind is blowing they will stick like that and you’ll only have to look at the ceiling for the rest of your life.
– every time you touch something in the store, an angel loses its wings.
– you can’t play in the rain because it’s really the angels peeing.
– Thunder is caused when the angels are bowling and they make a strike.
Lies I tell my 6yo and 2yo
– The tooth fairy likes clean teeth
– Angelina Ballerina hates it when little girls sing her theme song over and over
-That when you fight in the car, two tutus vanish at home
-When we lie, Jesus has the dirrahea
– Little girls who don’t stay still during their school pictures can’t be ballerinas
– Macdonalds is for the people who hate puppies (They love puppies!)
– The kids who whine everyday don’t get to have a birthday. They stay the same age. (When my eldest turned 3, she was 2 because she whined everyday of that year)
– When you refuse to take a bath, invisible bugs hide behind your ears.