Today I have a guest post over at (the hilariously awesome) Rants From Mommyland called "Rookie Baby Wranglers At The Restaurant". It's about my dad and stepmom (Poppy and Nonna) and their adorably inexperienced attempt to take care of Mazzy whilst sucking down oysters and sipping martinis.
Lydia and Kate from Rants From Mommyland have been very kind to me since I started blogging. The only way I can explain their incredible generosity is a) they are genuinely good people and b) we have a shared love of fancy parenting charts.
So I thought now would be a good time to put all my fancy charts in one place. "A Mommy Shorts Fancy Chart Retrospective" if you will.
I'll begin with one big over-generalizing pie chart.
I know that most people will tell me that coffee and alcohol should be a larger part of the pie. But if you honestly have more cocktails in your life than drool, please tell me what I am doing wrong.
My next chart was made in reaction to a newstory involving a mom in NYC suing an Upper East Side Preschool for ruining her daughter's chances of getting into an Ivy League school.
Terrifying stuff that is very close to pushing this born and bred New Yorker into *GASP* New Jersey.
Next up is "The Working Mother Venn Diagram". It needs no explanation. Just a larger pair of pants.
The pie chart below was created for a post called "Babies on a Plane".
It's worth clicking over for the step-by-step breakdown of "Intense Agitation".
I made the equation below while packing up the baby for a trip to my Mom's for the holidays. Totally forgot to figure "fancy chart creation" into the packing time.
Is your brain spinning? Are you sick of my charts yet? Cause I'm not done…
This bar graph was created using actual reader research I collected during a Diapers.com giveaway.
Click here if you'd also like to see a "Who are Diaper Jeans Consumers?" pie chart. Hint: It involves rednecks and nevernudes.
Next up is a vortex inspired by New York Magzine's Approval Matrix. It is also based on actual reader responses to what they would like from their husbands on Mother's Day. Click the chart to enlarge.
Below we have a pyramid that needs some context. It was created for a post called "Meet The Dog That Will Destroy Me" about how my sister and her Boston Terrier are conspiring against me to turn my child into a doglover. Yes, yes, I know, I know. Only assholes don't like dogs.
The vacation pie chart below was made after Mike and I took our first and only five-day trip sans baby.
Click for more detail on "the sea urchin incident" and a comprehensive breakdown of "OTHER".
And lastly, no "Mommy Shorts Fancy Chart Retrospective" would be complete without the "Fancy Undergarment Trajectory Chart". I created it for my first guest post on Rants for Mommyland entitled The Gift of Awkwardness and then I used it again last week for my Parenthood Isn't Sexy post. It's a personal favorite.
Which reminds me— if you are following Friday's Unsexy Parenting: Now a Competitive Sport, voting is still open. "Renee & The Nipple Tweaker" is in the lead but "Andrea & the Non-Sex Tape" is gaining on her. Winner will be announced this Friday on The Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage.
(Winner will be announced here too; that was just a cheap trick to get more facebook fans. Did it work?)
I’m chart #3 without a doubt. I’ll take a pic of my never-used-paying-every-month-anyway gym card. Oh the shame….
Bringing baby on plane pie chart? Did you read my mind back in July 2010 when I traveled with Monkey on an 11-hour mind numbing flight?
Heading over to read your guest post now!
Ahh now I remember why I didn’t like AP Statistics back in high school, it was the foreshadowing of my motherhood and when everything headed south. That gives me an idea, can you make a diagram of what happens to a woman’s body after child birth. I’m guessing there will be a lot of declining arrows…
Yes,my coffee and wine consumption is far greater than the drool in my house because my Kiddo is school age…but the amount of pee dribbled around the toilet bowl has gone up exponentially, so well nevermind…And my Kiddo went to a pretty so-so preschool, so I guess I should start dressing him in prison blues now…
Clever stuff.
Cheers.
VB
I have the “Owner of Useless Gym Membership” chart hanging above my desk at the office.
There really is no time to go. You can’t go in the morning because one of you has to watch the baby while the other is getting ready and you can’t go in the evening unless you want no quality time with your child whatsoever.
Sigh.
Can’t even imagine eleven hours. My trip was about 4 1/2 and that was pure hell. She wasn’t even that bad. No big crying fits or anything. But hell all the same.
Oh god. I don’t know if I could do that. Way to depressing. Especially when you consider the Working Mother Venn Diagram.
Good to know I have something to look forward to. The vino. Not the pee.
On the plus side, you can stop saving for college. Although lawyer bills add up just the same…
That makes me pleased as punch.
OMG I need a mommyshorts.com chart STAT. My goodness, you are SO good at them. {swoon}
I’m pretty sure you need to check you numbers on the first chart…caffeine and alcohol ONLY at 11%??? 🙂
I love pie charts.
and you.
and pie, really.
REALLY.
so this was superextrahysterical today.
XOXO
Why is everything so much funnier in charts? Sheer awesomeness.
From what I’ve seen, the coffee and alcohol consumption should be a higher percentage.
Love these though!
It’s so rare to see someone fulfilling her chart creation calling. I’m humbled by your chart-osity.
Your chart making skills are unparalleled!! You are awesome! I really, really like that math problem involving the pacifiers (oh, and the use of the words “hellz nay”).
Oh gosh, I *LOOOOOOVE* your charts. They crack me up. They inspire to create, except I have all the Photoshop/InDesign skills of an accountant with no joy. I’m so glad you’ve decided to put them in the one place. You are in danger of becoming a muse.
Really, your talent is wasted in high-powered ad work.
You are genius, love you and your charts!
Oh, these are so great. Mother’s day is still my favorite.. but the packing one is good too.
Anytime, friend. Just ask and I’ll see what I can do.
I know, I know. But I honestly think that’s where it figures in at the moment. Sleep deprivation and stickiness play a much bigger role in my life than cocktails. Unfortunately.
Superextrahysterical, huh?
Can I quote you?
I’ll work on it. I’ll put it right above- organize the closet in the nursery.
If my fraction-challenged-elementary-school-self could see me now!
Oh, that is the saddest statement ever. If I could I would blow some fairy-fancy-chart-making dust your way.
I know, right?! If only it PAID.
Silly me signed up for a gym membership when I was pregnant with my twins (aka kid 4 and kid 5). I swam a few times while I was whale-like but after they were born, forget about it.
You have shared here very great graphical things from which we can get the best ideas and the informations about the Parenthood and related talks.Nice sharing it is.
Ha! They’re all funny. The preschool one really cracked me up. We’re all a bunch of wacko’s, huh?
How are we not neighbors (move to NJ)? How are we not drinking margaritas with each other sketching charts on napkins as I type this (move to NJ)?
Your charts make my day.
Also: my 6yo saw the box of diaper jeans at Target last week and said “Mom, I saw those on tv! They look stupid.” I said “Don’t say ‘stupid’! But yes, they are.”
Adding you to my blog role because I love you and need to spread the word. Amen.
Absolutely awesome. I found you on TRDC and, can I just say? I never thought I would find another person who shares my utter love of graphs and charts. Seriously. They just make everything easier, and if you do them right, funnier. Stalking you!
Ever considered making shirts with your pie charts? I would buy the babies on a plane shirt in a heartbeat!
I love anyone who quantifies motherhood. Brilliant! We need to talk though. The charts change when they become teenagers.