A couple of weeks ago, Mike and I took Mazzy to Utah. From New York, that's about five and a half hours on a plane. If your baby is under two, you don't have to buy them their own seat so we thought we'd stick her on our collective lap and hope for the best. I must say, she was pretty well-behaved. But it turns out, that even a well-behaved baby on a plane is pretty much a TOTAL NIGHTMARE.
Without further ado, I present…
Here's how INTENSE AGITATION breaks down in case you're curious:
• Wondering how a person a quarter of your size needs 10x as much stuff
• Trying to cram yourself into a seat with a baby, a freezer bag and a pillow pet
• Cursing the people in first class
• Rationing food like you're locked in a war bunker
• Bribing the flight attendant for extra snacks
• Untangling your baby from assorted headphone wires
• Chasing the baby down the aisle as she tries to eat crumbs off the floor and steal other passengers' iPads
• Reminiscing about something called a "book"
• Glaring at the mother across the aisle whose child appears to have slept throughout the entirety of the inflight movie
• Constantly moving your drink in an effort to keep the baby from spilling it
• Cleaning up your spilled drink
• Cleaning up your spilled drink
• Cleaning up your spilled drink
• Questioning what the ingestion of an inflight magazine does to the digestive track of a small child
• Hoarding napkins
• Hoping the feeling in your thighs will return before your flight home
And finally,
• OH MY GOD— CAN YOU JUST STOP SQUIRMING FOR FIVE SECONDS, PLEASE???!!!!
On second thought, INTENSE AGITATION deserves a much bigger piece of the pie. If Mommy Shorts was some sort of journalistic enterprise, I would have to go back and recreate the pie chart clocking INTENSE AGITATION at somewhere around 85%— for integrity's sake. Thank god, I have no such ethical obligations.
Somewhat Related Sidenote: A friend of mine who started a site called POSHBROOD is up for a Cribsie award for "Best Family Travel Website". She is determined to win this thing so she's giving away an amazing Mark Cross crocodile handbag as an incentive to vote. It sells for $695 so it is NO JOKE. Check out her giveaway here.
Traveling with a kid blows. I will give you that. You get through security, feeling extremely violated and sweaty, only to pack horse your way to the gate. Then you sit there and endure all the mean looks from the ‘professional travelers’, Assholes. Makes me want to throw a shitty diaper their way. And this all before boarding. Just another nail in the coffin of my previous carefree life. Damn you, kids!
In summary then…it’s a bit like snakes on a plane, but worse!
Oh my! I love your chart. It really is a nightmare to have a baby on a plane.
One time, I was flying with my 14 month old when I was 7 months pregnant(yes, I know what causes that, thanks) and we got stuck in a middle seat. I tried to get the men in the aisle or window to switch with me and they said no and I said well then, enjoy your flight. And I promptly decided to not give a damn.
What can I say? Baby on a plane AND pregnancy hormones.
too hilarious – I remember the looks I got traveling with my three boys once (back in the pre-girl days)… and of course – everything from pity to hate.
turns out the pitying looks were warranted. two of the boys spilled drinks on me (Sprite… no color, but REALLY sticky) and the youngest would NOT be calmed with a pacifier.
luckily, it was a one hour flight… so the Hell was at least short lived!
You’ve captured it exactly! It’s just AWFUL, in exactly the way you described.
I just can’t even imagine having to travel with I child. It is hard enough traveling with my hubs who acts like a child! I would have to say that your chart is perfect though.
Sigh…I have three small girls and so many nightmare stories I don’t even know where to begin…All I know is I started buying seats for all of them. Oh, and taking Xanax.
I <3 charts and graphs 🙂 They are such a unique way of expressing your feelings. And I have yet to take my child on a plane, but I feel similar situations when I'm at a restaurant (except the embarrassment is much stronger)
“Chasing the baby down the aisle as she tries to eat crumbs off the floor and steal other passengers’ iPads.”
Lil Diva didn’t discriminate – cell phones, Nintendos, iPods – she wanted them all. Or the drink left too close to the aisle..
The worst thing I could imagine happened on trip out to Colorado – an airplane poopapalooza. After that, suddenly the other stuff didn’t seem so bad. May you never experience that “joy”.
http://danceswithchaos.wordpress.com/2011/01/29/part-1-of-the-murphys-law-of-vacations-a-special-addition-of-what-the-frak-friday/
I’m hoping Lil Diva will magically be potty trained before we fly again, because I don’t even want to do that again.
Hysterical post, and so true. Love the pie chart.
Security makes your baby take off their shoes. YOUR BABY’S SHOES! I’m all for counter terrorism but that seems a little ridiculous.
Obviously a movie should be in the making. I’d like to Samuel L. Jackson change a baby’s diaper in an airplane bathroom. CHILLING!
I was stuck in the middle with Mazzy when she was about 6 months old. My husband had a middle seat farther back and nobody would switch so that we could be together. You would have thought crying baby outweighed aisle/window seat but apparently people think being in the middle is worse. Thanks fellow passengers!
Stickiness. That should have made my pie chart. I’ve got to make a new one. 85% Intense Agitation, 15% Stickiness.
Pre-baby, my husband would fall asleep from the second the flight took off and wake up upon landing totally refreshed while I wanted fall over from exhaustion. At least now we are in it together.
HA ha ha ha ha ha! Can’t stop laughing over here. My husbands deliriously thought it would be a great idea to travel with our kids when they were small. I was SO not into it but went along (dumb dumb dumb me). This post is EXACTLY what it feels like. Still reeling in laughter over here. Hey, you should send that post to http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/ I’m sure they would love it!
Did you take the Xanax or did you give it to the girls? Because both sound like good options.
I love charts too. You should check out my parenting math section. Pie charts, venn diagrams, complex equations…
https://www.mommyshorts.com/parenting-math/
BTW that’s a typo above. Should not be husbands plural. I only have one! 🙂
Good to know. I was about to say— Welcome Sister Wives!
Mazzy would take any and all of them but iPads are definitely her favorite. Also difficult? All the TV screens on the back of the seats. Total eye candy for a baby which makes sleep next to impossible.
Just read your post— THE HORROR.
Thanks for the tip— I will check it out. I’ve got tons more where that came from!
Haha, great pie chart! We flew with DD when she was 7 months old…and as if that wasn’t torture enough, we brought out dogs with us as well. And we had a layover in ATL. My poor husband was dragging 40lbs of weiner (we have 2 ‘mini’ doxies) while I was trying to juggle 7 month old and all our stuff….ahhh fun times!
So true! Love your pie charts! There’s also something about flying that makes me think of LOST and how I don’t know if I would ever forgive myself if the plane ended up crashing and I would become a lunatic mother on an island stuck in time with two kids who never asked to fly somewhere in the first place. But that’s just me, I guess!
OMG I can’t even imagine. Your seatmates must have wanted to MURDER you.
So what you’re saying is: Guilt would figure prominently into your pie chart?
And this? Is why I keep telling my mom we’ll come visit her when the kid is old enough to not make flying an Olympic event. Which should be, what, when he’s 10?
From what I witnessed, if he’s old enough to play a video game, you should be just fine.
LOVE your pie charts! They always make me laugh. We have been going back and forth on whether to fly or drive to Indiana from Georgia. I think maybe…drive? I don’t know — that option seems scary too. You think my hub’s grandma just wants to see us without the baby?!
Okay, wow, this was so funny, so very, very funny, particularly the percentage of time spent worrying that the baby would poop while the drinks cart is blocking the aisle. Thank you for writing this!
We have traveled overseas with babies and I could add to your pie chart, “Time spent in European chemist shop weighing pros & cons of buying a bottle of Dozal to use for the plane ride back even though it isn’t legal in the States…” (-:
Been there (scarily), done that (sadly). GREAT post! Your pie chart make my heart happy. XO
See? This is why I was too chickens–t to ever attempt to fly with my child when she was a baby. LOL The prospect of traveling with her as a toddler is even worse. Yep, we’ll just stay home thankyouverymuch! 😉
Traveling with my then 18 month old to England only let me realize no matter how prepared you think you are- you’re so not prepared! She cried everytime we took off and landed because she refused to drink her bottle, but other then that she did good I think. I think you’re right about the 85% intense aggravation though!
We flew with our son when he was 12 months old. On our flight home he filled his diaper as the plane was taxiing away from the terminal. It was not possible to go to the bathroom to change him for about half an hour and it really stunk. As soon as the fasten seat belt sign was turned off the poor woman sitting next to us bolted for a flight attendant and was able to get a different seat (fortunately it was not a full flight).
Love it! We have flown a bunch since my son was born, the first time at 4 months. I think there is a slightly different chart for nursing mothers flying…one that consists of being obsessed about being whether your child will nurse calmly (and not flash your boob to everyone), whether you can transition your sleeping child from boob to shoulder without waking him up or if you will have to attempt to keep said child asleep on boob for the whole flight, and whether or not you will have enough milk left over at the end of the flight for the awful decent that makes tiny ears hurt.
I thought that once he weened it would be so much easier to fly, but then you add in a walking/screaming/wiggling toddler into the mix and it is so not harder, just different.
BTW- to the woman who was 7 months pregnant flying with a 14 month old-I am so glad you survived. I am flying next month, at 6 months pregnant, with my 15 month old son and am SO not looking forward to it. 🙂
Travel with kids is THE biggest stressor, with airplane travel with kids being the tippity-top.
Ugh!
I have to admit once upon a time I was one of those passengers who when they saw someone with a baby/kid, started saying a silent prayer (please not near me, please not near me), now the kids are mine I have no choice. This summer I’ll be doing the 7/8 hour flight to/from the UK with an almost 8 year old and a 3 year old ALONE! Just hope they keep the drinks cart well stocked.
I feel the pain. We flew with ours from Dallas to Vancouver. Crap. There was lots of walking around the plan. And lots of eh screw you. She’s doing pretty damn good for an 18 month old.
Also? Thanks for the hookup. I totally want that bag.
I just came quickly back to comment now that I told you I almost always respond to every comment! But seriously, I usually do. And this was so sweet.
In my experience, grandparents could care less about anybody except the grandchildren. If we ever arrived at my mom’s house without the baby, she would tell us to turn and around and go home.
Hmmm…if you do decide to purchase that bottle of Dozal, do you think you’d have room to smuggle a second for me? It sounds wonderful.
It will not go down as one of my cherished family moments, that’s for sure. But the trip itself was totally worth it!
Take off and landing are the worst because it is the one time you must absolutely force them to stay still. Not fun for a toddler who just learned to walk.
That moment would fit very nicely into the “embarrassment” percentage. But nothing you could have done!
Yes, I had some breastfeeding plane excursions as well. Trying to make sure you got a seat where there wasn’t a creepy guy on the same side as the boob the baby liked best was KEY.
Here’s an idea: Empower the 8yo to take care of the 3yo and then seat them far far away from you! Can you tell I know nothing about children older than mine?
I know. I entered too!
My son was born the same day as Mazzy and has been on 16 flights in his short life. I totally feel your pain. I was stupid enough to fly alone with him once and I spent the first 3 hour flight either standing in the aisle or trying not to be creeped out by the guy next to me trying to look down my nursing cover. Good times. During one leg of the solo trip my little guy decided the final descent was the perfect time to have a disgustingly rank blow out. The flight attendant wouldn’t allow me to get up so I had to hold him, covered in poo (seeping onto my lap) for the 20 minute descent and taxi. Ahhh Motherhood!
You are brave for even attempting this! Serious, serious cudos for you.
So funny, the first time I flew with my oldest she was 8 and after watching the many parents on the flight trying to manage babies and toddlers I swore that I would not attempt it. You brave Mommy, you. I have a few more years before we attempt it with our little ones.
Glad you survived!
Love this! I’ve flown too many times with my 19 month old, and aside from being thankful for being able to fly and having somewhere to go, I HATE IT!!! Being trapped in a tin can with a volatile 20 pounder and her 80 pounds of crap is anxiety-provoking at best. I have been THAT mom, pacing the aisles crying right along with my inconsolable tot. AGHHHHH!Intense agitation, indeed.
I’m LOVING your pie chart – ha ha ha!
I once had to fly back from NY with just my 20-month old. The dude next to us was so chill, even though dressed like a business man. As we were about to land he woke up and took off his headphones and I was so relieved that he was cool with having a squirm worm next to him the whole time. And then he told me he has 5 kids of his own! So, I guess we got really lucky sitting next to him that day! 🙂
On the way out of the terminal with my two kids (yes, I fly ALONE with two kids ages 3 and 8 months all the way across the country)a man walked by, looked me in the eyes, and with all the sincerity he had, said “God Bless You.”
Apparently traveling alone with small children is comparable to serving in the nation’s military forces during wartime or donating a kidney to a complete stranger. No one wants to do it but they have reverence for those of us who do.;-)
And this is why we have not traveled on a plane. Thanks for letting me know I’m not a bad mother for not wanting to do plane travel. I now know there is ‘meat’ to my fears.
LOVE the piechart! It is all so true, and I feel your post should be made into a flyer presented to any non-parent on a plane that complains about small children on planes.
You are a way better woman than I am! The only time I took a baby on plane was going from Ohio to Texas. We used frequent flyer miles to get her her own seat, and she slept in the car seat every single second! It was great!
Love this! When my son was 4, we flew to Ireland for my sister’s wedding. We hit turbulence and he threw up all over himself, then the kid behind him starting puking. Everyone else was gagging from the sound and stench. It was like the pie contest scene from “Stand By Me.” UGH! He had to go thru Customs in his underwear, winter coat and a smile. I am sure it’s not the first (or last) time one of my Irish relatives have puked on themselves.
I get so nervous even thinking about traveling with my son, and hes 2. I am finally taking my 2 older girls on a trip in June. Still nervous.
Good job to you on braving the baby plane ride!
We plan on taking our then-to-be 7 week old on the 24hour + transit from Australia to Europe next year……Might have to rethink that idea after reading a few comments……Anyone with a great flying experience with newborns? Pretty please!
You know how it sucks to take a baby on a plane because all the surrounding passengers wish they could switch their seats? I recommend keeping as normal of a schedule for your young child as . Knowing that I’m always running on a short fuse means that I have to cut. Sideburns to do the Exact Instructions Challenge which is where kids. Sure, people bothered. I’d been in arguments and even a few physical altercations, but even then I never truly lost my shit. More Stories · Advertise with Us · About Scary Mommy · Privacy · User Terms . It was a short flight, and little Maggs had flown with us.. I just be the kind of mom who loves being. Just throw ’em in dishware and they’ll keep for an extra few days. This is everything I absolutely love about Mommy Shorts in one. Their latest parody video, “Mom Shorts,” features the New Kids on the Block hit, “The Right Stuff. Baby mugging,” the latest photo fad sweeping Instagram, has nothing to do with stealing kids’ cookies. The same mommy mastermind is behind both of them. I’m a 20-something mom of three. Something about the big padded shoulders made them all look like that scene in Beetlejuice with the shrunken head,’ blogger Ilana Wiles said. I recommend keeping as normal of a schedule for your young child as possible. Author of Remarkably Average Parenting. Is Baby Suiting the new Baby Mugging? Baby And Toddler Boys Long Sleeve ‘Mr. From the creator of the wildly popular blog Mommy Shorts comes Ilana Wiles’s first humor book on remarkably average parenting. Baby Boys Short Sleeve ‘Awesome Bro Est. Suiting Instagram trend turns tots into businessmen – NY Daily. Baby Boys Short Sleeve ‘Mommy’s Dude Surf Shop’ Stripe Stretchie. We didn’t think much of. It was a short flight, and little Maggs had flown with us.. The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting. We got challenged by Baby Sideburns to do the “Exact Instructions Challenge” which is where kids . Private Jets are Kim K s Greatest Mommy Hack! Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting. I don’t want to get mad at my child for splashing toothpaste water all over. Here’s a pie chart I created after I took Mazzy on her first plane ride a few years . It features a mix of personal parenting war stories, parenting charts, baby . New Kids on the Block hit, “The Right Stuff. When should a child stop calling their mother “Mommy? But since having kids, I’ve opted for something that doesn’t cut off my circulation or show my crack if I bend over. Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours. Mommy blogger Ilana Wiles, who was the brains behind the “Baby. Blogger Ilana Wiles photographed her newborn nephew in his dad’s suit, shown here, and posted it in the hopes of starting the #babysuiting trend. B01IDGS694 Conditions associated with these. Some people like to try and delay nap time so that the kiddos will hopefully sleep on the plane, but there is a high risk of having an awake, but overtired, child on the flight if you take that approach. Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting. Mom Kim and her friends are totally rockin’ the mom shorts while Penn and the other. Wiles, who runs the blog Mommy Shorts, said she is always on the lookout . You might get away with stealing kisses. Sure, I once wore shorts that barely covered my butt. But, stealing a baby’s pacifier? Author of “Remarkably Average Parenting. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. The concept was created by blogger Illana Wiles of Mommy Shorts who snapped a pic of her baby, Harlow, in a black mug and posted it to her . Harlow, the baby who can only nap in pitch dark with a noise. Dude Surf Shop Stripe Stretchie. Rejected #babysuiting hashtags include #babywolvesofwallstreet and #robford. From the creator of the wildly popular blog Mommy.
[…] easy, or quite as relaxing as previous baby-free vacations, it wasn’t nearly as bad as we’d been led to believe it might […]