A couple of weeks ago, Mike and I took Mazzy to Utah. From New York, that's about five and a half hours on a plane. If your baby is under two, you don't have to buy them their own seat so we thought we'd stick her on our collective lap and hope for the best. I must say, she was pretty well-behaved. But it turns out, that even a well-behaved baby on a plane is pretty much a TOTAL NIGHTMARE.

Without further ado, I present…


Here's how INTENSE AGITATION breaks down in case you're curious:

• Wondering how a person a quarter of your size needs 10x as much stuff
• Trying to cram yourself into a seat with a baby, a freezer bag and a pillow pet
• Cursing the people in first class
• Rationing food like you're locked in a war bunker
• Bribing the flight attendant for extra snacks
• Untangling your baby from assorted headphone wires
• Chasing the baby down the aisle as she tries to eat crumbs off the floor and steal other passengers' iPads
• Reminiscing about something called a "book"
• Glaring at the mother across the aisle whose child appears to have slept throughout the entirety of the inflight movie
• Constantly moving your drink in an effort to keep the baby from spilling it
• Cleaning up your spilled drink
• Cleaning up your spilled drink
• Cleaning up your spilled drink
• Questioning what the ingestion of an inflight magazine does to the digestive track of a small child
• Hoarding napkins
• Hoping the feeling in your thighs will return before your flight home

And finally,


On second thought, INTENSE AGITATION deserves a much bigger piece of the pie. If Mommy Shorts was some sort of journalistic enterprise, I would have to go back and recreate the pie chart clocking INTENSE AGITATION at somewhere around 85%— for integrity's sake. Thank god, I have no such ethical obligations.

Somewhat Related Sidenote: A friend of mine who started a site called POSHBROOD is up for a Cribsie award for "Best Family Travel Website". She is determined to win this thing so she's giving away an amazing Mark Cross crocodile handbag as an incentive to vote. It sells for $695 so it is NO JOKE. Check out her giveaway here.