Earlier this week, I published a post called "Parenthood Isn't Sexy" in which I asked everyone to divulge their unsexiest parenting moments.
I should have better prepared myself. You know how if you see one person vomit, you have the urge to vomit yourself? That was me after each comment arrived. Vomit, projectile poops, dirty diapers in the bed, placentas, leaky boobs and lots of shit-stained husbands. Thank you, everyone. I know I asked for it.
As usual, I couldn't let your comments sit there unattended. So I picked my five favorite moments (read: most horrific) and now I am going to put them to a vote. You tell me which of the following situations would make you least likely to ever have sex with your spouse again.
"My hubby and I had just come back from celebrating our anniversary. We were both a little drunk and trying to get our sexy on. Things were getting hot and heavy when suddenly a child yelled from upstairs, "Mommy, my butt threw up!" Let me tell you— nothing kills the mood faster than finding a child standing/covered in a pile of shit."
Sara (Periwinkle Papillon):
"The scene: An airplane.
The players: 6 month old Anna, my husband, me and 120 unsuspecting air passengers.
We smell something. The whole airplane smells something. My darling husband decides it's 'his' turn so he dutifully takes her to the front of the cabin with the diaper bag. 30 seconds later, the door of the airplane bathroom flings open, his head appears in the aisle and yells "HELLLP!!!"
If I had ever imagined my husband and I crammed into a 2X3 ft airplane bathroom, it definitely didn't involve dealing with a baby poop explosion. Plus, the smell of baby diarrhea lingers on a transcontinental flight. She didn't cry the whole way but she sure stank. We were very popular."
"We were in the middle of sex and a child walked in. If that wasn't enough, she then proceeded to puke all over our bed…"
Andrea (Sugar & Spice Studios):
"Our son was about 8 months old and had a high fever so my hubby decided to get into the bathtub with him to try to bring his fever down. I decided to video tape. On camera, I caught my son pooping in the tub with my husband sitting in it. Then he realized what was happening and jumped out of the tub which made our son start to fall face first into the poopy water. I had to drop the camera and run to save the baby. Probably the least sexy video ever recorded."
"With a 15 month old and one on the way, intimacy moments were far and few, so we took advantage one afternoon while our toddler was napping. At 7 months pregnant, the belly was too much for me to look at whilst trying to enjoy anything even remotely "intimate"… so I was laying on my side with my eyes closed and my husband behind me. I thought he was getting a little "rough" on my breasts so I opened my eyes. To my surprise, it was my 15 month old "tweaking" my nipples!!! Never did I attempt to enjoy ANYTHING again."
And one final entry. It doesn't involve her husband but I had to include it because the combination of poop and completed correspondence (remember this?) would totally throw me over the edge.
Anna (Random Handprints):
"When my daughter was about 4 weeks old I managed to finish writing the 100-some thank you notes for all the gifts we'd gotten. And then, yep, she had a diaper diaster all over the whole pile. I think I really did cry. Kid must have been two by the time I finished the second round."
Alright. There you have it. Your top five six contenders. I think Andrea could sway things her way if she provided that video. And I'm sure you have lots of questions for Renee. Like— where exactly was your toddler sleeping???
To make it official, I'm offering the winner an actual prize. What? Did you think this was some podunk blog who does things half-assed?
Prize comes courtesy of @mommafanny who is not only a loyal reader (her comment on the post was that she has never seen anything sexier than her husband playing with the kids— SHOWOFF!), she is also the founder of a jam company called Emily G's Jam of Love. I've tried it. It's delicious. Welch's— I think you might want to keep your radar up. Bitch is coming to get you.
Winner of "The Unsexiest Parenting Moment" gets two jars of Emily G's all-natural, hand-poured jams in Triple Berry and Jalepeno Raspberry. And because @mommafanny is super awesome for letting me pull her into this last minute, I would love if you would check out her jams and follow @mommafanny on twitter.
Alright. As for Anna, Amy, Sara, Andrea, Renee and Jen? Start your campaigning. NOW!
Update: Andrea has supplied video. Watch to see if it helps or hurts her case.