Let me start by saying, it's my sister's birthday today. For those of you who are unaware, my sister is the brilliant child psychologist known around these parts as Dr. B. When I thought of how I should best acknowledge her today, I kept coming back to one thing— her DOG.
The dog's name is Roxy. Or as my sister insists on calling her— Mazzy's cousin. Yes, my sister is one of those people who takes her dog VERY SERIOUSLY. Roxy was my campanion down the aisle at my sister's wedding. And if you must know, the "Pooch of Honor" was billed higher than the "Maid of Honor" (me) on the program.
But the thing is, in order to talk about Roxy, I must confess something that I have only come to terms with fairly recently. Something that may alieniate me from the majority of the planet and turn you all off to Mommy Shorts forever. Something that means Oprah and I will *GASP* never be friends.
I AM NOT A DOG PERSON.
I am perhaps more afraid of sharing this fact with you than I am of admitting anything. Like that I am not always the greatest mother. Or that sometimes I wear the same outfit several days in a row. Or that I murdered my neighbor back in the eighth grade. That last one isn't true. But if I had murdered my neighbor, I think it might fall only slightly higher in the hierarchy of social pariahs than a person who doesn't like dogs. Allow me to demonstrate.
Now, before you start asking, "So you're a cat person then?" No, I like cats less than dogs. I'm not even sure I care for fish. Or plants for that matter.
Don't get me wrong— if you show me a picture of a puppy or a video of a cat sneezing or something, I will find it just as adorable as the next person. But if one of those furry little creatures starts pawing me and sticking his nose in my crotch? I am not pleased. I would rather lick the city sidewalk than have a dog slobber on my face. And if you start french kissing your canine friend in front of me? I will fight the urge to hurl my lunch on your carpet.
I want to like dogs. I try to like dogs. I have told many a potential suitor in my single days that I liked dogs. If I see a dog, I often say— "Oh he's cute! What's his name?" I'll pet him if he doesn't look like he's going to bite my hand off. I'll even dog sit for you if you ask me nicely (and it's not for more than an extended weekend).
But I don't know what to say to a dog. I find their neediness irritating. I can't relax if something insists on jumping all over me. And as I already mentioned, I'm not a fan of face slobber.
Although, having just read that back, I am aware that it sounds remarkably similar to my 15 month old child. Especially since we just started letting Mazzy run free in the playground and I have developed a sudden understanding for those people who put their children on a leash.
That's Roxy, Mazzy and my sister pictured up top. For the past year, I have silently watched as my sister poisons my child's brain into thinking that dogs are the best thing ever. Mazzy ADORES Roxy. She screams "DOGGIE!" when she sees her. She laughs when Roxy licks her. The look on Mazzy's face when she figured out the fine art of "fetch" was a beautiful thing. But all I think as Mazzy gleefully chases Roxy around my sister's place is how many blissful years I have left before the inevitable.
"Mom? Can I have a dog?"
I know it's coming.
(Please wish Dr. B a happy birthday in the comments and tell me I haven't alienated myself from you all forever with my lack of dog love. Unless I have. In which case, it's been fun. And bittersweet.)
Happy birthday Dr. B!
I don’t care if you like dogs or not. Half the time I don’t like dogs and I have 2 of them.
We are thinking robot dog for JDaniel.
You have not got a hope!
You are SO getting a dog … you may want to start researching them now so you actually end up with one you can live with – before she gifts you one with a big bow and places it straight in Mazzy’s lap 🙂
My husband wants a dog. I hope they are very happy together in their new apartment.
Ha ha ha! This makes me laugh. LOVE the graphic! I didn’t think I was a dog person either and then my husband got us a dog. And I love him. But ONLY him. (I’m a one-dog person.) Other people’s dogs usually get on my nerves. Hey, just like kids! Happy Birthday, Dr. B!
I love the graphic! I don’t like dogs. I tolerate cats (we have three). My kids are obsessed with getting a dog. I don’t want one. All I picture is yet another creature I have to clean up after. Last Christmas the kids tried to get past me by going directly to Santa. But I foiled this maneuver by reminding them of Santa’s live pet policy: all requests for live pets must be approved by parents. They were disappointed. They should get used to it.
First, Happy Birthday to Dr. B! Second, I’m with her – Mazzy is TOTALLY a cousin of Roxy!
Brilliant. I assume you can set the volume of the barking then. I’ll take one!
My sister is my closest friend on earth. But if she gives Mazzy a dog as a gift, I will be shopping for her replacement. Interested?
Ha! Mazzy will visit them. Maybe even for an extended weekend.
With every dog I meet, I hope it will be the one who throws me over the dog loving edge. Hasn’t happened yet.
I was unaware of Santa’s Live Pet Policy. But now that you mention it, I believe the Hanukkah Man has recently adopted an identical policy.
How does one of two dogs and kids? Is there just piss all over the place?
The magic here is how the dogs clean up the kids’ dropped and spilled food. This is really where they shine. Jessica might appreciate what the Ninja Mom posted about her dogs: I love you, please die soonish but comfortably.
me too! although i do like cats…have 2 of them, but they leave me alone for the most part, but some days i want to get rid of them too!
I grew up with LOTS of animals, and because of it, I am NOT a dog person, and even less of a cat person. I’m determined to never own a dog and have made my husband swear that he will not cave when our now 8 month old son some day starts asking. I already have two responses prepared:
1. You can play with Grandma’s dogs alllllllll you want.
2. When you grow up and have your own house, I’ll buy you any dog that you’d like. So start thinking now about exactly which dog you want.
Just so the dog lovers out there don’t hate me, let me qualify my statement with “I think other people’s dogs are great. I don’t even mind their kisses. Cats not so much.”
Happy Birthday Dr. B!
Ilana – I love you even more!
Happy Birthday Dr. B!
You are not alone. I love dogs. When we were trying to have a baby I almost broke my dog hating husband with the sobs, “I won’t be sad anymore if we get a puppy!” but he STILL held his ground.
When we got engaged, after I said “yes” he explained that this meant I was never getting a dog as long as he was alive. I can use my life insurance checks to buy a puppy farm, but we are never co-owning a dog.
I had a favorite, special dog who passed away a few years ago. Now when I see other people’s dogs I don’t really get the appeal. My daughter desperately wants a dog, but we don’t have a dog-friendly lifestyle.
Can I just say, though, that I’m glad that your chart shows that there is hope for people who burp the alphabet? I can’t do it (yet), but not for lack of trying!
I love kids. I love most dogs. I love many people who have dogs who they think are their kids. But they are not kids. They are dogs. And until you have kids you will never know how much they are not kids. I’m done now.
Happy Birthday, Dr. B! Ilana, you know I love dogs. You can redeem yourself from this glaring fault of yours by actually posting a flattering picture of Ella within the next month.
I think your chart is inaccurate. I think dog-haters are below polygamists, but maybe that’s just me.
I love my dog to death, until her private parts and/or paws get itchy at 2:30 am and she starts licking them. I don’t like eating/licking sounds at any time of day, but especially not in the wee hours of the morning.
While Luke was away last week, Jamz started with The Licking in the middle of the night. So I gave her one warning, “if you do that again, you’re sleeping in the hall”, and then followed through by dragging her whole bed out into the hallway.
My mother “claimed” to be allergic to dogs while we were growing up. My sister and I both wanted one very badly back then. But I guess I went one direction and my sister went the other. I’m planning on adopting the “allergy” claim.
I hope in two-to-three years when you are happily living a widowed life on your puppy farm, the police don’t find this comment to submit into evidence.
In addition to not liking dogs, I have also been guilty of the make-up application thing. Stop knocking, goddamnit!
Thanks for enlightening me on my status as a social pariah since I am a David Spade fan, I had no clue. I do have a dog, actually a Labradoodle. We got him before Labradoodles became trendy. I swear. hope we can still be friends.
Happy Birthday to Dr. B.
I have a very good friend who treated their like a king for many years. Then they had a baby. He was immediately demoted to second class citizen.
There was a time when David Spade wasn’t horrible. But have you seen him on that horrible CBS show? He takes creepy to a whole other level.
Happy Birthday, Ilana’s sis!
Oh Ilana… We can still be friends, but only JUST. 🙂 Actually, your approach towards dogs is one I can accept – you don’t mind dogs but you don’t want one of your own, and you don’t want other people’s dogs drooling on you. That’s pretty much how I feel about kids right now! Ha. I’m guessing that’ll change eventually, but in the meantime, my dog is my baby! In fact, when I think about the possibility of having children one day, I actually start to feel bad for my dog and the attention and affection he would lose because of that damn kid.
Now, if you were a cat person, you’d be one higher than “murderer” on that chart.
Happy birthday Dr. B. I don’t care if you like dogs or not. You are a fantastic writer who keeps me laughing. *high-fives* to you.
Erkkhhhh…dog kissers! *hurl*
You’re not alone. I also can’t stand the wet dog smell..makes me wonder how these people do!
Happy birthday Dr. B!
I hate dogs. I used to like them, and then we got one, a Yorkie. I hate her.
I do not care if that puts me ABOVE a murderer, it’s the truth.
I have friends who put their dogs names on their answering machine. Because I called to reach your stupid dog. Right.
All that nonsense stopped when they had a child.
These graphs are killing me. Every time. And I don’t like math. I hate math more than I hate dogs.
I can see the dustbuster advantage to a pet. Ok— score one for the dog people.
Ninja Mom scores big points with that line. My friend with a (once prized) dog and a new(ish) baby just admitted to me as much the other day.
How bout a ferret owner? Or maybe only pedophiles own ferrets canceling out the need for another space on the pyramid?
OMG- that is beyond terrifying. And perhaps the best link anyone has ever sent me. Seriously, my mouth is still frozen in the WTF position. Also, I have used an acronym twice now. I may be forever changed.
I am valiantly fighting my husband in the battle of “can we gt a dog?” I’m only winning because David can’t get Alex to form that sentence yet.
Their neediness annoys the piss out if me. Because you know who’ll be cleaning puke at 3 am? It’s not the husband petitioning for a dog. And then he’ll still bitch about not sleeping well.
I’m willing to out up with Davids complaining for my kids. But not for a dog
According to Jen C above, if you are above murderer, that puts you in the same position as cat people. So at least you’ll have friends there. Although you’ll probably hate their cats.
Regardless, I applaud your honesty.
I am much more of a cat person versus a dog person. They aren’t near as needy but warm a lap nicely.
They used to have the “rule the house” distinction, until the kids. They still haven’t recovered.
I really don’t ever want a dog, although I have been tempted to “borrow” my neighbors dog for about 5 minutes three times a day so for their vacuum cleaner skills.
My Lil Diva LOVES dogs, as long as they remain at least 5 feet from her. Then she screams.
I still respect you. 🙂
Ilana, I feel this post has brought us to the next level of our (admittedly, non-existent) friendship. Which is to say, would you like to be BFFs?
Because dogs suck ass. Sometimes literally. Which, in my book, is unforgivable.
We have two cats. They were the babies. And then, I had babies. Actual human babies. And suddenly, my other ‘children’ were a constant source of furry annoyance. Funny how that happens.
There will be no dogs at Chez M-G.
I wAs THinKinG thAT iN honoR of mY MomMY’s BirtHDaY I wOUld WriTe A poST aBouT hoW I HaTE yOu AunT IlaNA buT I wAS toO buSY CelEBraTiNG. LoVE ROxY.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet my brother-in-law. Kind of sweet how he’s sticking up for his wife and his dog, right?
I didn’t know there was anyone like me out there. I don’t think them either (I am whisper-typing this). I don’t really want to get dirty when they jump on me and I don’t like dog hair or dog slobber either. I’m so glad I found someone who shares my dislike, we can be ostracised together.
I despise cats, I mean DESPISE them. Never met a cat that was up to any good. For one thing, they make me scratch and wheeze. Also, they have an arrogance reminiscent of the girls who used to torture me in junior high. I’m almost certain they are snickering at me. Oh, and one other thing? They love me. Won’t leave me the hell alone, ever. This hatred of cats, I’m convinced, is the one and only thing that stands between me and becoming that crazy old spinster who lives on the top of the hill and has 150 cats.
But you not liking dogs? That’s just unseemly. 😉
It is very difficult to judge this failing of yours because you are so damn funny and make such a fine pyramid diagram. So I will wish your sister a very happy birthday and remind myself never to lick your face, even if a moment comes where it seems apropos.
My husband and I have decided we are totally not dog people. We like them, but can’t handle having one. Instead, we have one completely over-indulged, neurotic cat. Still, Peanut is completely obsessed with dogs. I know pretty soon she will be asking for one.
There is nothing wrong with not liking dogs. At least you know this about yourself, and aren’t one of those people who thinks that the “right” dog will be just fine. Note: the “right” dog is one that doesn’t slobber, doesn’t shed, doesn’t bark, doesn’t need you, doesn’t jump on people, and is hypoallergenic. It looks like this: http://www.catfacts.org/sphynx-cat-facts.htm
Happy birthday to your dog-loving sister.
As for your pup disdain, I still like you. I have two dogs that I love and who, before kids, would sleep in out bed. But lately I keep seeing life-threatening ailments and am a wee bit disappointed when they turn out to be nothing.
ME: “Does the dog have a tumor! What is that lump?”
VET: “It’s just a fatty deposit. You need to buy this $55 per pound specialty dog food.”
ME: “Can we pretend it’s a tumor? How much is euthanasia? More or less than the dog food?”
Pets aren’t for everybody. Better to know that about yourself than to get a puppy and end up giving it back a month later!
As for me, I’m like a lot of your other commenters: I love *my* pets, but am not crazy about other people’s.
You have not put me off. I actually love you more for that pyramid you made. I love making charts and such. You are my kind of people. With or without the pooch love.
Happy Birthday Doctor B!
First: Cats never are nor never will be cute. They will, however, be evil incarnate for all time.
Second: Tsk, tsk. Don’t you know the Blogging Jinx Rule? Mazzy is now destined to become a vet. Or a professional dog collector, but I think #1 sounds a lot more alluring and more the kind of occupation by which one leaves the parental home. Making it my kind of occupation.
I’m totally on board with you and your lack of dog love. I have a number of clients who work at home and they all have these little yippy boston terrier thingies who, for some reason, TOTALLY ADORE ME. I have no idea why because I hate them, but they’re always jumping on me and trying to love me or whatever those things do, and when I’m working… EVERY. TIME. they will sit there and just lick my ankles. Constant licking. Every single one of the damn things, no matter which house, they continually lick my ankles while I’m trying to work. It makes me crazy!! I don’t understand it…
Hmmm, there are two kinds of people who make me weary. Those who don’t drink and those who don’t like animals. There are tons of dogs that don’t jump up, annoy and slobber. Your sister’s dog looks to be a Boston terrier which tend to be hyper dogs that are very springy. They also have breathing problems which makes them notorious in the slobber department. Dogs are glorious companions and are important family members — hopefully someday you will agree.
Oh, I’m such a wicked witch.
My 3 boys want nothing but a dog but I know who’ll be doing the real work.
They chew, they bark, they shed, they make a mess. I just can’t.
I’m so bad.
First- happy birthday Dr. B! Second- I freaking hate dogs. I also recently came to terms with this fact. I have always considered myself to be lower than baby haters on the social acceptance ladder. Until now. Thank you for this post. May all the dog haters read this and be united.
I have three dogs, and I have to admit I liked two of them more pre-baby. The third is beyond sweet to the baby, plays ever so gently with him, kisses his ears and lets the baby tug on him. This melts my heart. The other two..really standoffish towards the baby so I let them go their own way.
Ok…so I have a sister like that too. Until recently she had 4 dogs, two died this year. And yes, the “can I have a dog” has been painful. We are still dog free with a 9 and 12 year old at home. My sister ALMOST got them a dog for Christmas, I had to threaten first, then beg her not to. The puppy question is coming daily now and I know our days are numbered. But like you…I don’t like dogs.
I love my dog, but that doesn’t mean you have to. We’re still friends, don’t worry.
Can I also just say that I can’t handle it when people are like “that’s your baby. You’re its mommy.” No way, man, I didn’t birth that dog. What kind of monster do you think I am?
Related: that pyramid was hysterical. Also: Happy birthday, Dr B!!
I love VERY well trained dogs. Otherwise they can get the hell away from me. And I hate cats, also all things that crawl or resemble a rodent.
My daughter has been campaigning for a bulldog and I am the only one in the family who does not want a pet. I am finally at a point in my life that I have a little freedom and only have to worry about wiping my own butt! I finally discovered the news that you have to squeeze the anal glands of bulldogs to prevent infection. Nasty! I shared this fact with my daughter and broke her heart.
My husband and I have determined that we are just not pet people. We have had a cat, a dog, and a fish. We gave the first two to good homes and then the fish died. It is wrong to say that we were relieved? I have a 2.5yo and I am dreading the day he asks for a pet.
Happy birthday Dr B
Dogs are yucky.
I have known six serial killers and they all dislike dogs. I am staying far away. 😉
Happy Birthday to your smarty pants sister. I love dogs. But it’s OK if others don’t. I’m totally OK w/ that. Cats? EW!
p.s. that dog is pretty cute, fyi.
I’ve made the comment to my husband that the top three marriage deal-breakers are as follows:
-He becomes a mass-murderer.
-He brings a dog home, especially if it’s cute and wrapped up as a present for one of the children.
I’m right there with you, wanting to like dogs, but just not feeling the love. The big ol’ bruise I got on the back of my knee when a dog bit me last month didn’t help matters. Any animal that could potentially take out one of my children is just not going to happen!
Allergy is an amazing thing. My husband thinks I’m making it up so we don’t have to take care of the preschool bunny for a weekend, but it actually is true. But even if I wasn’t allergic there is no way I would get a pet of any kind. While babies eventually learn to use a toilet, animals do not. And I have been close to throwing up seeing dogs poop on sidewalks. It’s disgusting, and not something I need to see first thing in the morning while walking to the Metro.
Pshh, I think this chart offers an unfair catagorization of murderers. They have plenty of pen pals.
But yeah, we totally are animal people, and honestly, some days I think about opening the door and letting our fox terrier just wander out. It’s cause he’s sneaky and tricks me into stealing my food. The plus sides: He thinks he’s a cat, so he doesn’t lick your face, but he does clean himself, and he’ll lick up anything off the floor so he’s great for food messes.
But damn that little bastard annoys me.
JUST SAY NO TO DOGS!
You’re the mommy. You don’t have to have a dog.
(ps–I also don’t like dogs. I like cats better, though.)
I am not a dog person either. Dont mind em at other peoples houses, but i dont want dog hair all over me, i HATE slobber and thier breath makes me want to vomit. Dont get me started on the neediness! I have 3 kids (5,2,& 6 months), I have all the neediness i can handle. lol
It’s your house, your rules momma! I totally celebrate that! But………
I’m 37, and finally got MY first dog this summer.
I had another dog in my life, but she was my partners or about 5 years before i was in the picture. Loved her tho.
So finally have MY dog!
I found her, i rescued her, etc blah blah.
The ONLY thing I wanted as a child was a dog….THE ONLY THING! Mom always said no!
Im 37, I’ve had my pup for 8 months. My mother still hasn’t met her. She lives four miles from me, I always have to go to her house.
She’s going to met her at Thanksgiving. My dog will jump, my dog will lick, my dog will shed, my dog sits on the couch and sleeps on the bed. My mother will HATE this. There might be dog hair on me. My mother will hate that. My god daughter (her granddaughter) LOVES my dog…she will get licked, knocked down and she might eat a kibble…whatevs! My mother will hate that.
I just wish my mom would be part of my life.
[…] with not being a dog person, I am also not a beach person. Add that to my cooking aversion and not being a jeans and t-shirt […]