It's time for a recap, some additional Father's Day gift ideas and the unveiling of "The Unsexiest Parent" (I hope she has cleared a spot in her curio cabinet for the award). But first, because my baby turned 1 1/2 yesterday, I would like to call your attention to the picture up top.
That's Mazzy. My city kid in the summer. Cooling off despite the grit and grime of our NYC streets. Have you ever seen anyone look more adorable in a swimsuit? I think not. (I'm not counting your own kid, of course.)
I know what you're thinking: Mazzy wears Crocs???? I'm SHOCKED.
But I want you to know four things: 1) they were a gift 2) they're waterproof 3) they're very easy to put on and 4) Mazzy can pull off anything. Got it?
Alright. Recap time.
What happened the past few weeks besides y'all questioning my baby's fashion choices?
• Mazzy made a play for Oprah's old job
• Someone got a baby-shaped boner
• We formed a secret society with the goal of stoning Rosie Pope
• I put all my fancy charts in one place
• We debated the legitimacy of the Baby Simul-Sneeze (I vote real)
• Mike gave us a tough lesson in Father's Day gift-giving
• We learned about the uphill battle of premature potty training
• Dr. B (FINALLY!!!) taught our toddlers some patience
• I may have pissed off the restaurant industry
• We imagined our husbands dressed like Don Draper (enter the Michael Andrews Bespoke giveaway by clicking here)
And most importantly, the votes were tallied for "The Unsexiest Parent".
The coveted title goes to….
RENEE WITH THE NIPPLE TWEAKING TODDLER!!!!!
Congratulations, Renee! You are now in the company of unsexy parenting legends like Britney Spears and Octomom. Your parents will be so proud!
Please leave your acceptance speech in the comment section below and send your address to myshort@mommyshorts.com to claim your prize— two jars of Emily G's Jam. This win will probably take the place of any chance you had at winning the lottery. But it's totally worth it, right?
——————
Now I would like to revisit the father's day gift discussion. Yesterday, after I posted about how difficult it is to shop for Mike, you all commented with some genuinely good "guy's guy" gift ideas.
So. Without further ado, I present "The Mommy Shorts Fan-Submitted Father's Day Gift Round-up". Thanks for contributing!
From left to right: NYC Subway Token Cufflinks, The Beer Lover's Gourmet Gift Box
Solid ideas. Especially the gift of a son. I'll get right on that.
Also. Don't think I ignored the numerous references to blow jobs and sexual favors. I just wanted to spare you all the visual, 'kay?
I want to do one more thing. Evin from Food Good Laundry Bad left a comment on yesterday's post that I can't ignore. Because it might just be the most brilliant Father's Day gift idea EVER.
She said…
"I did SO EFFING GOOD this year. I've had it for weeks and I'm dying to give it to him. CAN'T WAIT. He's a film maker and he's getting into stunts, shooting a rodeo flick now, so I got him a 5 hr session at STUNT RANCH. It's a camp for kids and adults that teaches how to do stunts. So for 5 hrs on a Sunday they're going to set him on fire and throw him off a building and crap. I even got it off a Groupon so it was half price! Go me!"
And I wondered…
I have been toying with the idea of getting my son some crocs after seeing another baby around his age sporting them. His mom said, “At first I thought ‘He will never wear those God awful things’ and then I just had to rinse them off with the hose after he played in mud for an hour and I thought they weren’t such a bad idea.”
My hang up is on which color to get. The black ones look like they’re standard issue for cafeteria workers and the brown ones are the color of poop. Any color near the pastel family will surely make my husband hit the roof for ruining the baby’s street cred.
Navy blue?
Seriously. This is eating me alive. Thanks for the post. Now I won’t think about anything else today. Jerk.
i am seriously considering the giant gummi bear purchase. seriously.
i think crocs make color-changy ones this season, which my older kids total want. should do ok for the baby’s street cred, but i live in nj so i am not a very reliable source.
With so many handy ideas – what are you getting? And no, no details on sexual favors please.
I’ve decided to give my husband gift of the day off. As in he can pretend to be a bachelor and do whatever he wants with himself. I rock, I know.
Oh, and Mazzy is definitely cute in that swimsuuit! Crocs? Are only acceptable on tiny people.
For a boy, you can’t go wrong with orange. Total street cred.
We wash the Crocs in the bathtub every day. It doesn’t get an easier. Her other shoes (the adorable denim mary janes I spent $50 on) looked like crap after a week.
This makes me happy. Thank @mamawantsthis.
Agreed on the tiny people crocs.
My husband usually tells me he’d rather time to do something himself than anything else. Last year, I arranged for three of his friends to play golf with him. But I am seriously considering getting him something else on the above list but I can’t tell you what it is because he reads Mommy Shorts everyday. Comments and all.
I definitely saw the pic of Mazzy and immediately said to myself “Crocs, Ilana? Seriously? In NYC?” followed by “Wait. Are crocs cool now? Should I get my son a pair instead of sandals?”
Followed by “POOF!” as my head exploded for spending even 5 seconds giving a shit about toddler fashion in such a way that I would be concerned about “trends.”
Also, do you think I could set my husband on fire for father’s day, put him out with a firehose, and then call it “Stunt Camp”? Because then I would’ve done that shit for FREE, so go ME!
Unfortunately, when I write my recaps, a lot of people click on one of the links and never see the gem at the end. Thank you for staying with me. Wasn’t it worth it?
I love crocs and I have ones in the same color as Mazzy. I mean, Mazzy’s crocks, not that they’re Mazzy colored. I’m not allowed to come back here, am I?
Flesh-colored Crocs take unattractive footwear to whole other level.
I humbly accept the award for being the unsexiest parent….induct me into the Hall of Shame now Mommy Shorts…my tail is tucked firmly between my legs…or is that my nipple?
I didn’t realize Mazzy was only two months older than my daughter. Happy 1.5 years!!!
I think the stunt gift is an awesome gift. I kinda wish we had that sort of thing around here. I would so love to see my hubs lit on fire.
What?
Hahaahahah Your poll has me literally LOLing. Kids think I’m nuts(-er than usual). I will be sure to report back on his reaction! Either way, it’s really win-win for me, right? And isn’t that what Father’s Day is about?
Wow. That was an impressive speech. Heartfelt yet brief. You should teach lessons to The Academy.
I know. I would sign my husband up too. Then I’d surprise him by signing up for the camp myself and be the first in line to throw him off a building.
I mean— he wold totally love it!
I’m so glad you noticed my poll! I took off your last name on the off chance that my blog is SO POPULAR that it somehow got back to your husband before the big day and ruined the surprise.
Then I returned to reality.
Definitely report back!
Forget the crocs. I want Mazzy’s bathing suit.
In a size XXXL (or whatever).
Also I’m going to need to look that cute in it if you could please work that out.
A-dorable.
(When I’m wet, I usually just look bedraggled. So go Mazzy. Job well done.)
Your posts are like a work of art.
Good for you, bad for me: I feel like such a slacker.
Totally best quality.