It's time for a recap, some additional Father's Day gift ideas and the unveiling of "The Unsexiest Parent" (I hope she has cleared a spot in her curio cabinet for the award). But first, because my baby turned 1 1/2 yesterday, I would like to call your attention to the picture up top.
That's Mazzy. My city kid in the summer. Cooling off despite the grit and grime of our NYC streets. Have you ever seen anyone look more adorable in a swimsuit? I think not. (I'm not counting your own kid, of course.)
I know what you're thinking: Mazzy wears Crocs???? I'm SHOCKED.
But I want you to know four things: 1) they were a gift 2) they're waterproof 3) they're very easy to put on and 4) Mazzy can pull off anything. Got it?
Alright. Recap time.
What happened the past few weeks besides y'all questioning my baby's fashion choices?
• Mazzy made a play for Oprah's old job
• Someone got a baby-shaped boner
• We formed a secret society with the goal of stoning Rosie Pope
• I put all my fancy charts in one place
• We debated the legitimacy of the Baby Simul-Sneeze (I vote real)
• Mike gave us a tough lesson in Father's Day gift-giving
• We learned about the uphill battle of premature potty training
• Dr. B (FINALLY!!!) taught our toddlers some patience
• I may have pissed off the restaurant industry
• We imagined our husbands dressed like Don Draper (enter the Michael Andrews Bespoke giveaway by clicking here)
And most importantly, the votes were tallied for "The Unsexiest Parent".
RENEE WITH THE NIPPLE TWEAKING TODDLER!!!!!
Congratulations, Renee! You are now in the company of unsexy parenting legends like Britney Spears and Octomom. Your parents will be so proud!
Please leave your acceptance speech in the comment section below and send your address to email@example.com to claim your prize— two jars of Emily G's Jam. This win will probably take the place of any chance you had at winning the lottery. But it's totally worth it, right?
Now I would like to revisit the father's day gift discussion. Yesterday, after I posted about how difficult it is to shop for Mike, you all commented with some genuinely good "guy's guy" gift ideas.
So. Without further ado, I present "The Mommy Shorts Fan-Submitted Father's Day Gift Round-up". Thanks for contributing!
From left to right: NYC Subway Token Cufflinks, The Beer Lover's Gourmet Gift Box, The Fantastic Feast from Omaha Steaks, Mr. Perfect t-shirt, day of golf, a son, a race car experience, Garmin Portable GPS Navigator, XM Satellite Radio, personalized photobook, custom keychain with GPS coordinates of where the kids were born, World's Largest Gummy Bear, actual drunk monkeys, sport or concert tickets and the least risky gift of all— Starbucks and iTunes Gift Cards.
Solid ideas. Especially the gift of a son. I'll get right on that.
Also. Don't think I ignored the numerous references to blow jobs and sexual favors. I just wanted to spare you all the visual, 'kay?
I want to do one more thing. Evin from Food Good Laundry Bad left a comment on yesterday's post that I can't ignore. Because it might just be the most brilliant Father's Day gift idea EVER.
"I did SO EFFING GOOD this year. I've had it for weeks and I'm dying to give it to him. CAN'T WAIT. He's a film maker and he's getting into stunts, shooting a rodeo flick now, so I got him a 5 hr session at STUNT RANCH. It's a camp for kids and adults that teaches how to do stunts. So for 5 hrs on a Sunday they're going to set him on fire and throw him off a building and crap. I even got it off a Groupon so it was half price! Go me!"
And I wondered…