I’m watching The Oscars right now and having only seen three movies this year, I feel totally unqualified to make any sort of predictions, let alone win the Oscar pool at my own party— as was my pre-baby tradition. Instead, I thought I would use The Oscars as a jumping off point to talk about something completely different.
I know it’s popular these days for people to make fun of parents who name their kids something out of the ordinary. (I think that’s Sarah Palin’s fault). I am not one of those people. I named my daughter Mazzy. I like odd names. Always have. Mostly we get a positive reaction to it. But every once in awhile, we get a squinty-eyed sneer and a “huh?”
We named our daughter Mazzy for three reasons— 1) We needed an “M” name for both my grandmother Marion and Mike’s grandfather Meyer. 2) We thought it was cute with an edge to it. And 3) we looked it up online and read that it meant “precious” in Hebrew (although we are no longer sure if this is true) which solidified it as the perfect choice.
But none of this matters because everyone seems to think that our daughter was named after Mazzy Star (a band from the early ’90s) and that we must have conceived our child while “Fade Into You” (their one hit wonder) was playing on a loop in the background.
So, I thought I’d come up with a list of baby names along with the reasons that those names are most likely significant for the people who chose them for their kids. For instance, the next time you meet someone with a baby named “Oscar”, you should ask the parents if they picked the name due to their love of award shows or their love of green muppets who live in the trash.
Baby Names & Most Likely Significances
Max: Some time in your second trimester, you had a really good experience buying a stapler at OfficeMax.
Heathcliff: You always hated Garfield and this was the only way to insult him officially.
Stella: You really love beer.
Kim: You’re hoping your child has an ass large enough to make your whole family famous.
David: An ode to chocolate chip cookies.
Six: You never got over that very special episode of Blossom.
Carrie: You and your husband bonded over your mutual hatred of the prom.
Simon: You were a big fan of that SNL sketch with Mike Myer’s in the bathtub— “Hello my name is Simon, and I like to make drawings…”
Geri: Your favorite character on The Facts of Life was Blair’s cousin.
Kumar: You got pregnant while you were high.
Wendy: Have you tasted the new Asiago Ranch Chicken Club? It’s delicious!
Morton: There is no seasoning better than salt.
Victoria: Your push-up bra was the reason your husband first introduced himself.
Belle: You used to think Snoopy was your boyfriend.
Sloane: “Save Ferris!” has been doodled on every notebook you’ve owned since 1986.
Caeser: You and your spouse have a shared love of anchovies.
Emily: You are way way way too invested in The Bachelor. So much so that you will kill Brad if he doesn’t give Emily a rose tonight even if she doesn’t accept creepy Chris Harrison’s invitation to the fantasy suite.
I have no way to end this except to say that The Oscars are now over and I’m going to bed. But these are surprisingly fun. Anybody have any to add?