This means he is impossible to shop for unless I am shelling out for a car or a 72" flatscreen.
Case in point: I asked Mike for advice on my father's day gift guide and the conversation went something like this:
Me: How do you feel about this iPod docking station?
Him: Just give me a cord and an outlet. Why do you have to make everything so fancy?
Me: What about a custom steak branding iron with your initials?
Me: Actually, I think I got you one of those a couple of years ago…
Him: I know.
Me: What ever happened to that?
Me: Remember the Jack Spade Messenger Bag I got you?
Him: The one that has now become your laptop bag?
Me: Yes! It fits my laptop perfectly!
Him: Are we done here?
After Mike got me nowhere, I decided to consult other online father's day gift guides for ideas. These guides basically think your man falls into one of three categories.
1) The Williamsburg Wannabe
These gifts assume your husband plays in a band on the weekends, trolls record stores for obscure tracks in his spare time and pretends to bump into Zooey Deschanel on his way to midnight showings of foreign movies. Excuse me— films. Gifts include Ticket Stub Diaries, Make Your Own Ukulele Kits and Stanley Kubrick Movie Collections.
To which I say— my husband likes Bon Jovi and Wedding Crashers. He is not Dan from Gossip Girl.
2) The Big Child
These gifts assume your husband peaked at the age of eight. That he genuinely loves his Goonies T-shirt and only pretends to wear it ironically. They recommend things like custom bobblehead dolls, Yoda USB Drives and the #1 Dad Gumball Machine.
But buying these gifts for your husband ignores the fact that you share the same house. If your husband owns a # 1 Dad Gumball Machine, then so, by default, do you. Unless you are prepared to display it in your home till the end of time, look elsewhere.
3) The International Man of Mystery
These gifts assume your husband spends most of his time overseas conducting bank heists underwater. They include things like stainless steel wallets, video spy pens and faux vintage book covers for your laptop.
If you know my husband, you know that he probably could pull off a bank heist underwater. But his hair would look horrible afterward. And he'd drive away in a Volvo from 2001.
No matter what the category, the fact is— these are all novelty gifts. Meant to be given, received and then stuffed in a closet for all eternity.
After all that, and as a service to the wives of guy's guys everywhere, I went back to my husband and asked him again what the hell he wants. Of course, Mike answered what most guy's guys would answer— "I don't know." So then I said— Ok. Let's make this easier. What do you already own that you like?
Mike's Father's Day Gift Ideas Culled From Things He Already Owns
1) Odyssey White Hot Putter: Because the bad score he got on his last golf game was totally his old putter's fault.
2) Ray Ban Sunglasses: Because Bradley Cooper wears them. And he was in The Hangover. So they must be okay.
3) iPod nano: Perfect for drowning out your own grunts at the gym.
4) Bottle of Jack: Without it, it's just a glass of Coke.
5) Oster Classic Beehive Blender: The easiest way to ingest protein powder is with frozen blueberries.
6) Weber Professional-Grade Barbecue Fork: In case you don't hear him when he tells you to step away from his grill.
7) Monkey Drinking Booze Cufflinks: Didn't you know? Guy's guys find monkeys hilarious. Drunk monkeys are even funnier. Don't question it. This is one of the only gifts that I have ever given Mike that he liked immediately.
8) The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts DVD: I have no idea what to say about this. I'm a girl.
9) Michael Andrews Bespoke custom shirt: Because men are weirdly particular about collar widths. Note: I am currently running a giveaway for a Michael Andrews Bespoke custom shirt and tie. Winner will be announced on July 17th. Enter here.
The good news about this gift guide is each item is "Guy's Guy Guaranteed". The bad news is that your guy's guy probably already owns all of these items too.
Sorry. You're screwed for the rest of your gift-giving life just like I am.
Or you can always get the #1 Dad Gumball Machine.
UPDATE: I compiled all of your answers into "The Mommy Shorts Fan-Submitted Father's Day Gift Round-up". Thanks for contributing!
Tiny Prints is offering one FREE Father's Day Card up until 6/13/2011. Click link above to redeem and use code: FREEFD