Mommy Shorts

The Babyonce Backlash

Blue Ivy Carter is what? Four days old? I am already sick of her. She's like "How I Met Your Mother" in hopefully it's final season. (Can't Ted just meet the mother already so I can stop half-watching this increasingly stupid show???) 

Beyonce was pregnant, then she was faking it. She had a c-section, then she gave birth naturally. Her security denied parents access to the NICU to see their newborns, then they did no such thing. And so on and so on.

The reports of gifts rolling in are all over the place. You've all read about the solid gold rocking horse ($600,000), but have you read about the Swarovski encrusted high chair ($15,000), the Swarovski encrusted newborn bathtub ($5,000), the Posh Tots magical windmill playhouse ($30,000), the Posh Tots Fantasy carriage crib ($22,000 or $40,000 depending on what you read) and the mini Bugatti (price available upon request)?

I actually feel like the mini Bugatti might be helpful in allowing Blue Ivy to navigate her enormous nursery. What child wants to crawl 2200 feet from their crib to their closet every morning?

I have also read that Beyonce and Jay-Z spent $360,000 to ensure that each nursery in each of their three homes is identical. That would stand to reason that Miss Blue Ivy has 6600 square feet of space to roll around in. 

You know what else is 6600 square feet? Anna Kournikova's entire house in Miami that she is currently selling for $9.4 million:

It all sounds so over-the-top ridiculous that I am beginning to question all of it. I mean, seriously. Who buys a playhouse and a car for a newborn?? And who in their right minds would have not one but TWO Swarovski encrusted baby items?

And isn't it interesting how front and center Posh Tots is in all of this? Like maybe this was a really excellent PR plan? Wasn't that carriage crib also the one that Mariah Carey reportedly bought?

Well, I've seen pictures of Mariah Carey's nursery since she gave birth to her twins and that crib is nowhere to be found.

Of course, it's entirely possible that celebrities throw away cribs on a daily basis like used diapers. You know, the baby pees through their cashmere PJs and instead of throwing the silk sheets in the wash, they just toss the whole damn thing and start over. 

That would explain why there are also reports that Beyonce spent $3500 on a lucite crib from Vetro. But what kind of nursery design could possibly accomodate both a Posh Tots faux-antique carriage and an insanely modern lucite crib?

And don't tell me that she has three nurseries in three separate homes because I already told you that she is planning on decorating them all identically!

At least that's what has been reported.

Take it from someone who has done a bit of research— none of this adds up.

One thing is for sure. As the negative press continues to roll out, people are becoming more and more PISSED at the parents of this little bundle of excess. And if reports are being fabricated, who could possibly be behind them?

Here are three guesses as to who is the mastermind behind the "Babyonce Backlash":

Proposal for Beyonce: 5 Places that Could Use the "Blue Ivy" Treatment

If you haven't already heard, in addition to denying a dad entry into the NICU to see his twin premies, Beyonce spent 1.3 million dollars to "redecorate" a wing of the Lenox Hill Hospital maternity ward before she gave birth to a baby that has been officially deemed way-more-precious-than-your-baby, Blue Ivy Carter. (Update: Reports have been denied.)

Instead of whining about the injustices of the 99%, I would like to take advantage of the fact that Beyonce lives in my city and presume that when Blue Ivy leaves the comfort of her 2200 square foot nursery, she will be sharing the same NYC sidewalks as my baby girl.

In other words, if Beyonce's two days of motherhood are any indication, there are a lot of Mazzy-frequented places that could potentially be next in line for lavish redecoration, aka the "Blue Ivy" treatment.

I would like to submit five for advance consideration.

Dance Moms 2: Watch Or Else This Woman Will Yell At You!

Dance Moms 2 premieres tonight. That's the show about all the super talented little girls with mothers who love them so much they will throw them into the malleable hands of one Abby Lee Miller (pictured left) who will 100% guarantee that when they leave her dance studio they will be STARS.

Got it? STARS.

If I could write STARS in glitter and bedazzle it with shards of unicorn horns, I would.

Then I would scream it at the top of my lungs, call the cops on every mother I know, rip the tutu off any child who doesn't know how to "SUCK IT UP!" and drown my sorrows in a bath of trophies I did not earn myself.

At least that's what I think happens on Dance Moms. I have not yet watched a single episode. I am basing my commentary 100% on the promos. 

It is possible that every other moment on Dance Moms is filled with family hugs, cupcakes and plenty of time to play non-dance-related games with non-dance-related friends.

Although, I am skeptical.

So I decided that I am going to watch Dance Moms tonight to see for myself.

In order to make this happen, I needed to clear my calendar of all parties, events, date nights, etc. that I had planned for this evening. (That part was easy since I had none.) 

Next, because I am scared and do not want to watch Dance Moms alone, I asked if anybody would want to live tweet it with me. Yes, that's right. I said— LIVE TWEET.

I've already got @buriedwithkids, @ninjamomblog, @kikiandkyle and @biggreenpen on board. We are all going to hold virtual hands and hope that Abby Lee Miller doesn't suddenly turn towards camera and yell at us directly.

Note: Apparently, @biggreenpen IS a dance mom but not a "Dance Mom" dance mom so she is nothing like THOSE dance moms, or so she says. Either way, she should bring an interesting perspective.

It's tonight, January 10th at 9/8 central.

Who else is in?

If so, let's get this thing going with a tweet:

"I'm live tweeting the Dance Moms 2 premiere with @mommyshorts at 9/8 central tonight! #DanceMoms"

Or if you have watched an episode, please please please do your best to prepare me in the comment section below.

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Thank you to Lifetime who compensated me for this post and for posting the video below:

Celebrity Baby Christmas Gift List

After completing my holiday shopping for Mike and Mazzy and giving some gifts to Toys for Tots, I turned my attention to some other children in need. Celebrity children. I'm sure Rachel Zoe will bestow Skylar with the finest mink diaper money can buy, but is that really what the kid wants? I think not.

1. SURI CRUISE

I hear Suri will be getting her very own Jimmy Choo children's section plus an outpost of Dylan's Candy Bar built inside a custom-made miniature replica of Bergdorf's. But I would like to give Suri something that she desperately needs. She won't like it now, but she will thank me later.

I will be giving Suri the gift of "feet preservation". Or more exactly— a pair of children's orthopedic shoes plus her very own bunion relief sleeve. God knows, Suri will be upset if doctors force her to enter her preteen years in flats. And that's exactly what's gonna happen if she keeps forcing her growing feet into toddler heels. An item that shouldn't even exist.

I'm just encouraging you to take preemptive measures, Suri. Nobody wants forty year old feet at thirteen. 

2. SKYLAR MORRISON (son of Rachel Zoe):

For the rest of his life, Skylar will be getting the gift of designer clothing from his mother. Tod's driving moccasins, Gucci bomber jackets and dry clean only wool pajamas are just the beginning. I hear there's a Versace kids' store opening in Milan this year so I'm sure Skylar will be spending the majority of his young life there, locked in a dressing room, only to be set free once he figures out how to fasten a french cuff by himself.

For you, Skylar, I give a 3 pack of Gerber onesies. Because every child deserves to know what cotton feels like. And should not live in fear of spilling.

3. SHILOH JOILE-PITT:

Shiloh is a tricky one. On the one hand, it seems pretty obvious what she's into— army boots, Miami Vice get-ups and channeling Kurt Cobain. I hear you Shiloh— I wore flannels and combat boots all through the early '90s. But just in case your sense of style is being carefully orchestrated by your mother (although as you get older, I admit that seems less likely), I would like to give you something pink.

Don't freak out! It's not a tutu or a copy of Pinkalicious or anything. It's an army watch. I'm okay with the boy clothes, but a child who wears nothing but blacks and grays is depressing. Just infuse a touch of color, 'kay? Even my husband wears pink sometimes.

4. MORROCAN & MONROE CANNON:

Did you know that Mariah gave birth while listening to her own album? Her live performance of "Fantasy" to be more specific. It is conceivable that Roc & Roe might go a good five to ten years without ever being exposed to music sung by anyone other than their mother.

So. To them I give "The History of Rock 'N Roll". And a copy of "Glitter". I think the twins will need both in their arsenal to keep their mother's ego in check. 

5. HARLOW MADDEN:

Harlow has a tough road ahead of her. As the daughter of a woman who most likely lives on gum, Sweet 'n Low and Starbucks, someone is gonna need to teach this kid healthy eating habits. I'd like to do my part by giving Harlow the book "Eat, Drink and Be Healthy" along with an In & Out gift card.

Try to eat your burgers while your mother isn't looking— I don't want to get you in trouble.

6. BEYONCE'S UNBORN BABY:

Beyonce's baby will no doubt have everything a child could want. But none of that will matter if the kid can't find a damn thing in their 2200 square foot nursery.

For Beyonce's unborn child, I am bestowing both a tracking device and a Garmin GPS system so that the poor thing will be able to locate his/her pacifier when needed. Not to mention, stand a chance of finding the way out of that huge-ass room. It just might take a few hours.

7. MASON DASH DISICK:

I'm sure being the littlest puppet in Kris Kardashian's Reality Horror Series is a role many young boys would love. But just in case, I am giving Mason the gift of a family attorney plus a copy of "Irreconcilable Differences" for emancipation of a minor inspiration.

Being born into the Kardashian clan is a fate I wouldn't wish on anybody and by the time Mason comes of age, who knows what lengths Grandma will go, to get him the cover of US Weekly.

Double homicide? Sex change? Forcing him to use Bruce Jenner's plastic surgeon?

Be afraid, Mason. Be very afraid.

20 Reasons to Have 20 Kids

If you haven't already heard, the Duggars are preggers with child numero twenty. See? It's such a big number, I can't even count that high in Spanish! And I can't wait to hear what "J" name they welcome into the world next. Jackalope? Jheaven? Juicey Juice? So few possibilities left!

For the most part, people seem to think Jim Bob and Michelle are batshit crazy. I disagree.

I know last week I published a controversial guest post that basically said having four kids is akin to turning your house into a garbage dump, but I think things turn around for the better once you hit the magic number twenty. For one thing, think about how many hands you have to carry that garbage out of your home and into your neighbor's yard! 

And that's not the only thing forty hands can accomplish...

20 REASONS HAVING 20 KIDS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA

1) You can open up that sweatshop you always wanted!

2) One is bound to become a doctor or at the very least sell an internet start-up to Google.

3) The kids can pool their allowance to pay for their therapy.

4) Being in a constant state of pregnancy is a great excuse to eat for two, never work out and put your husband permanently in charge of "getting you things". 

5) You can feed the little ones to the older ones when you are too tired to cook.

6) You don't have to waste time deciding on a name— just use them all!

7) By the time your youngest gets the eldest's hand-me-downs, you can call the clothes "vintage".

8) Once you use up standard tasks like "do the dishes" and "sweep the floor", your chore chart can include fun things like "alphabetize my nail polishes" and "reshingle the roof with colored construction paper" just to fuck with them.

9) If you forget to buy a friend a birthday gift, you can always wrap one of your children as back-up.

10) You can donate one to science.

11) You can use the combined cost of college as a guaranteed source of comedy. You'll KILL at cocktail parties!

12) It's easy to fend off the obesity epidemic when there is never enough food to go around.

13) By the 20th, you can probably just pull the kid out with your own hand.

14) When the apocalypse comes and people start using poop-stained onesies as currency, you will rule the world!

15) Instead of investing in wall-to-wall carpeting, you can just instruct all your children to lie on the floor.

16) You have a fear of being alone, specifically on the toilet.

17) You can join the circus and just stand there.

18) You have several chances of forming successful girl or boy bands within the family.

19) You can homeschool your kids to take on career choices advantageous to the family; i.e. doctor, lawyer, accountant, personal trainer, hair stylist, TLC executive, etc.

20) INSTANT REALITY SHOW RENEWAL!!!!

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Feel free to add to the list. It's fun!

Dear Beyonce

You might think this is another one of my judgmental rants in the same vein as my letters to Katie Holmes, Mariah Carey and Rachel Zoe. Quite the contrary. This is all admiration and real estate envy.

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Dear Beyonce,

I just read reports that you are building a 2200 square foot nursery for your as yet unborn baby. Let me be the first to congratulate you on this unbelieveably fabulous parenting choice! You have always been a trailblazer in music, dance and fashion so I guess it should come as no surprise that you will be a trailblazer in the cutthroat world of CELEBRITY PARENTHOOD PREPAREDNESS as well.

First of all, I think it is beyond cool that you bucked the current trend of trying to out-do each other in dollar amounts. While Rachel Zoe brags about Skyler's $70,000 closet and Mariah Carey waxes on about Monroe and Morrocan's $200,000 nursery, you made the trendsetting decision to talk square footage! Goddamnit woman— even at 4(?) months pregnant, you are cutting edge.

Baby Celebrity Lookalikes: Judgment Day

Last Friday, we tallied the popular vote for the Baby Celebrity Lookalikes Contest which went to the very deserving Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez. Today we've got a second winner, courtesy of my official judging panel. (Somehow, I convinced a bunch of very big bloggers to judge my little contest. It's possible they think there are actual celebrities involved. Shhh! Don't tell them I am organizing this from my kitchen in my pajamas!)

After today, you will never have to hear about the Baby Celebrity Lookalikes again. Except, of course, on my new site— MyBabyLooksLike.com. (You think I'm joking, but I'm not.)

THE JUDGES

Rants from Mommyland: Kate and Lydia are the two hilarious ladies responsible for half my readership. I believe their generosity stems from a shared love of fancy charts.

Motherhood in NYC: Marinka is my daily read and one of the dryest, wryest, most cyncial humorists in New York City. Which is really saying something.

Scary Mommy: Jill has singlehandedly built a mommy blogging empire that makes me wonder if it is possible for someone to sleep less than I do.

The Pioneer Woman: Ree is not only charming and beautiful in person, she is a blogging legend with a following that rivals Justin Bieber.

Access (f*cking) Hollywood: Ryan writes the Access Hollywood Glam Slam blog and is totally slummin' it in Mommy Shorts land. Be sure to leave your Fendi clutch and Prada wedges at the door!

Mama Wants This: Alison is my most faithful reader. She lives in Malaysia, so she's the first to leave a comment EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY. Seriously. Go check.

Crumbs Bakeshop: Mia is the co-founder of the sinfully delicious bakeshop that keeps lavishing my readers with all those awesome COLOSSAL CUPCAKES. In fact, they are giving out two more COLOSSALS today to the runner- ups!

Dr. B: Our resident early childhood development specialist, not to mention my sister.

Mike: My husband. The one and only.

Mazzy: My incredibly wise 21 month old, who will be weighing in because I didn't think it was fair if I participated myself (ahem).

THE PROCESS

Each judge nominated one baby celebrity lookalike (out of the 150 entries) for the win. Then those ten nominations were given to each judge and they each put them in order from first to last. I used each lookalike's collective ranking to determine the winner.

Shall we get to it?

Baby Celebrity Lookalikes: The People's Choice

Today, I'm announcing the three winners of the Colossal Crumbs Cupcake giveaway plus the winner of "the popular vote" in the Baby Celebrity Lookalikes Contest (meaning the lookalike with the most "likes" on the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage).

I'm saving the "Official Judging Panel" winner for next Friday. It was just too much to cover in one post.

The Official Judging Panel, by the way, now incudes... (wait for it)...

ACCESS HOLLYWOOD.

The blog, not the TV Show, but exciting none the less.

Both the popular vote and the official judging panel vote will win an $100 Amazon Gift Card from Toddlewood.

There were 142 baby celebrity lookalike entries and over 2000 people voted. Here are your top ten...

10TH PLACE: With 52 votes... Edward as Larry the Cable Guy

9TH PLACE: With 54 votes... Charlie as Humpty Dumpty

8TH PLACE: With 61 votes... Zoe as Raven Symone

7TH PLACE: With 62 votes... Justin as Daniel Tosh

6TH PLACE: With 67 votes... Sheldon as Elton John

5TH PLACE: With 73 votes... James as Alfred E. Newman

4TH PLACE: With 78 votes... Morgan as Shirley Temple

3RD PLACE: With 95 votes... Porter as John Candy

2ND PLACE: With 181 votes... Sammy as The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

And in 1ST PLACE with 221 votes is...

Navaeh as Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez!

Congratulations, Left Eye! Do me a favor and don't use your $100 towards matches and gasoline. (It's a good thing she won, because I heard rumors of a plan to torch Stay Puft's house.) Please email me at myshort@mommyshorts.com to claim your prize.

I'll tell you now that the judging panel is going in a completely different direction. And I'm still confused as to why some of my favorites never got proper attention. For instance...

Would CHRIS FARLEY be up there if he was entered earlier?

Did TIGER WOODS lose because he might be an actual lovechild?

Would COREY FELDMAN be a shoo-in if this contest took place in the late '80s?

Were people put off by the blood splatter on DEXTER'S face?

Did SETH ROGAN lose points because I made the side-by-side backwards?

Would SIMON BAKER be in the running if more people knew who the hell that was?

Did people forget NATHAN LANE's loveable performance in "The Bird Cage"?

And lastly— why did only 35 people see the sheer brilliance in KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE?

Just some things that keep me up late at night.

Lastly, for the one year anniversary of Mommy Shorts on August 18th, I asked everyone to publicly throw their support behind a baby celebrity lookalike for the chance to win one of three COLOSSAL CUPCAKES ($42 each) from Crumbs Bakeshop.

Dear Rachel Zoe's Baby

I wanted to write a letter directly to Rachel Zoe, just like my "Dear Katie Holmes" and "Dear Mariah Carey" letters, but I didn't know what to say. Because Rachel Zoe is not being held captive in Tom Cruise's basement or living in a rainbow-glitter-filled-cloud in the sky— Rachel Zoe knows exactly what she's doing.

So... Instead, I am writing a letter to Skyler, her four-month-old baby boy— a poor little guy who needs to get clued in on the cards he's been dealt.

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Dear Skyler,

Welcome to the world! Congrats on thriving in a womb nourished exclusively on gum and Starbucks! Obviously, you are a fighter!

OK. Are you lying down?

I don't want to alarm you but— YOU ARE WEARING A $1450 GUCCI LEATHER BOMBER JACKET.

Now, this might have been a gift from Gucci, so your mother might not have paid anything for it, but that doesn't mean she loves it any less. She keeps it in a silk baby garment bag, for god's sake. She's also on video (see below) saying that the jacket is "EVERYTHING" to her. (Don't worry, I'm sure there's a small space in the back of mom's label-obsessed heart reserved for you, too.)

I'm only telling you this, Skyler, because I want you to think twice before doing anything stupid— like spitting up or drooling or god forbid— pooping while clothed. Unfortunately for you, normal baby bodily functions have huge staining potential. And I'm not sure how kindly your mom would react to such careless treatment of high-end designer duds.

If you're thinking that you can bend over and aim your regurgitated sour milk at your shoes, that's not an option either. Those aren't shoes— they are Tod's driving moccasins.

I know what you're thinking now— "If my clothes are so precious, than I can just lean over and aim the majority of my spit-up on the interior of my stroller." Nope. Customized Bugaboo by Missoni.

And that blanket draped across your lap? Hermes.

Sorry kid. You've got a long life of putting your clothing and accessories before your comfort and well-being. I'm sure all you want to do is rip off those wool footie pajamas and slip on a summer-friendly Gerber onesie but I'm afraid mom would have a heart attack. They come in *GASP* plastic wrapped packs of three!!!

In all honesty, I believe your mom gave birth to you for reasons other than the adorableness of her favorite designer collections in miniature form. I just don't have any examples for you yet. But I have faith that one day, she'll pair you with a handbag and realize your TRUE ACCESSORY POTENTIAL.

Sweet dreams, little Skyler. While the rest of Babyland dreams of boobs and bottles, you can dream of onesies that aren't dry clean only.

FYI— cotton feels fantastic.

Maybe mom will let you touch a swatch of it one day.

I promise. You'll DIE.

Much love,
Mommy Shorts

PS: Below is a video of your mom showing off your $78,000 wardrobe on ABC News. Yes, this is considered "NEWS". You'll learn all about that media misstep someday, too.

 

The Scandalous Father's Day Coupon Book

Father's Day is this weekend and if you haven't gotten a gift yet then you are in Desperate Mode. In other words, you are seriously debating making one of those sex voucher coupon books.

Well, I have saved you the trouble. Because those things just end up in a drawer and then two years later, your husband whips out a ripped piece of paper and says— "Hey! You never gave me that blow job while dressed like my fifth grade math teacher!" And then you laugh and laugh and go back to playing scrabble on your computer.

Instead, I have created "The Scandalous Father's Day Coupon Book" inspired by the growing number of famous fathers who just can't seem to keep it in their pants. And the "Good Wives" who often stick by them.

Print it out and give your husband the gift of permissible scandal. He'll love it!

OK. Now who did I miss? Fathers or fathers-to-be only. Otherwise, we will be here ALL DAY.

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