This weekend is the Oscars and like many parents, I have not seen any of the movies. I did catch pieces of The Martian through an earbud dangling from one ear while tending to two small children on a plane, but I don’t think that counts.

Not only have I not seen any of the movies, I hadn’t even heard of half the movies until I looked them up for the purpose of creating this post. Bridge of Spies? Brooklyn? I bet they star people I’ve never heard of either. And I’m the person who used to throw the Oscar parties and win the pool back before I had kids! Ahhhh… I used to love the movies. Those were the days.

Because I have no clue what any of the movies are about this year, except I’m pretty sure The Revenant has something to do with a bear, I’ve put together a short synopsis for what I imagine each of them are about.

The Big Short

A heart-wrenching story about a family who takes their four-year-old boy to his very first amusement park, neglecting to realize that he is too small for most of the rides. After a tantrum erupts which threatens to derail their entire outing, the parents instruct their son to stand on his tippy toes, sending the message that it is okay to lie which changes the course of his life.

Bridge of Spies

This is the true story of two siblings who want to play different games at the same time. One wants to play “bridge” while the other wants to play “spies.” After a harrowing battle that lasts almost the entire length of the movie and comes dangerously close to tearing the siblings apart for good, a saint from above called “Mom” visits the children and devises the perfect compromise, combining both games into one everyone can play called “Bridge of Spies.”

Mad Max

Max hates mushrooms. He despises socks. And loathes jackets. Max gets mad when his parents try to do anything and everything from feeding him dinner to taking him to the movies. Mad Max is the story of one mom’s fall down a google search wormhole where she tries desperately to unearth whether Max’s madness is normal toddler behavior or indicative of a larger problem. Perhaps a sensory processing disorder? Now she must confront Max’s pediatrician with her internet diagnosis.


This is the tale of a happy family of four who are wrestling with the decision to have one more child. The only problem? They live in a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan, where extra space is very limited. Then they meet a band of hipster parents who convince them to take the L train out to a promised land that combines the amenities of Manhattan with the extra space of the suburbs: Brooklyn. Once they fall for the trap and decide to move their family, they come to the horrifying realization that Brooklyn is just as expensive.

The Martian

This otherworldly story begins when a martian lands on earth and is taken in by a young boy who hides him in his closet. He tries to keep his new friend a secret from his mom by dressing him in a red sweatshirt and taking him on bicycle rides. When the boy dresses the martian up as a ghost for Halloween, it proves just how oblivious parents can be. All is going well until the martian begins to get homesick, which makes the boy ill as well.


A documentary about a couple’s living room that slowly gets overrun by their children’s stuff. First with baby gear, then with toys, then with school art projects and in a pivotal scene, by a growing pile of a laundry that eventually sends the couple into their bedroom where they remain locked inside for eighteen years until both their kids go off to college.

The Revenant

This is the sad story about a single piece of chicken that a young girl deems too disgusting to put in her mouth. Her father tries to entice her to eat the chicken by bribing her with assorted dessert options but to no avail. He tries to pretend that her favorite stuffed bear is happily eating the chicken on his plate, but that trick doesn’t work either. Finally, the leftover chicken remnant gets tossed in the trash. Oh wait. It’s “The Revenant,” not “The Remnant.” Never mind.


This is a live action musical about a three-year-old girl who loves to sing and dance. She bores her parents to tears acting out nightly shows and songs with titles like “I am Putting on a Show,” “This is my Show,” and “Everyone Watch my Show.” In a musical tour de force, the little girl refuses to stop singing and gets increasingly angry if anyone stops watching, putting a literal spin on the term “captive audience.” The family, now held hostage in their own home, must find a way for the girl to perform on actual Broadway before they all go crazy.

So here’s the question. If by some small chance I have to opportunity to see one best picture nominee before Sunday night… which one should I see?


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