Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third kid. I know what you are thinking— What the hell do I get for her baby shower???
It's a tough decision. You are probably losing sleep over it. I know, I am.
First of all, you have to compete with Uncle Kanye. I bet that guy spares no expense. Secondly, Kourtney must have everything under the sun from her first two kids. (Unless the Kardashian-Disicks don't do hand-me-downs? Maybe they throw out bassinets like the rest of us throw out baby wipes?) And thirdly, Kourtney dresses her children in sweaters and head gear that cost more than my house.
Seriously— LOOK AT THEM.
The weekly dry cleaning bills could probably fund a college education for all the Gosselin kids and the Duggar children COMBINED.
Do you think Kourtney will allow any old diaper cream to touch her third child's behind?
I don't think so.
You need a gift that is really going to represent her parenting philosophy. A philosophy that says "my children poop diamonds and pee streams of lemonade and nobody can convince me otherwise".
So… what gift will possibly be good enough for the kid sister or brother to Mason and Penelope Disick?
Everyone and their mother has the Gucci Diaper Bag and the Fendi Baby Carrier. Solid gold rocking horses are SO 2012. The Aston Martin stroller is been there done that, rode that $3000 set of wheels to Baby Mandarin classes and back.
You could get the Babynes machine. It's like a Nespresso for baby formula. But it's only available in France and Switzerland so that's out. (Unless you want to throw in the plane tickets to pick it up? That might get Kourtney's attention.)
I KNOW! I've got the perfect gift.
You should get Kourtney a limited edition jewel-encrusted bottle of Vaseline Jelly Baby that retails for $495 at Kitson!
No, that is not a joke. Here is a picture.
What is in a $495 bottle of Vaseline Jelly Baby?
It's a very special ointment made from the tears of Mariah Carey's twins, bottled by hand by Blue Ivy Carter in a factory owned by Suri Cruise. Whether it be dry lips, a crusty nose, or a multitude of other dry skin issues, this ultimate wonder jelly helps moisturize and protect a baby’s skin by locking in moisture. It’s triple purified to be 100% pure and safe even on the most delicate of skin. Plus, Vaseline Jelly Baby has a fresh powder fragrance, helps keep babies’ skin soft, and smooth, while sealing wetness out.
How is that different from the Vaseline Jelly Baby you can find at your local drugstore for $4.29? Or the regular original Vaseline that has been around since 1870?
That is a ridiculous question. Did you see the jewels????
You can even use it to prevent diaper rash. Just apply Vaseline Jelly Baby to a warm washcloth and apply directly to your baby's bottom.
Just please make sure that washcloth resides in a Swarovski encrusted wipes box.
If you do not currently have $495 burning a hole in your pocket (I know, it's in your other jacket, the one hanging on the platinum hanger in your 4000 square foot walk-in), check out my Instagram feed today. I'm giving away one $495 bottle of Vaseline Jelly Baby. To enter, just follow @mommyshorts and tag two friends underneath the photo. Winner will be announced Friday the 27th at the bottom of this post.
Then you can decide whether to keep it or give it to Kourtney.
Maybe with properly bejeweled baby products, your baby can learn to poop diamonds too.
This post was sponsored by Vaseline, but all thoughts on Kourtney Kardashian are my own. I'm sure she's a great mom. That Scott Disick is questionable though.