If nine months ago, your child buried you alive in a playground sandbox and you have been unable to pull yourself to safety until today, let me be the first to tell you, Prince William and Duchess Kate are expecting their first baby. 

Once you've stopped your incessant SQUEEEEEEING, please rejoin us for celebratory tea and crumpets. We have been eating them throughout Kate's third trimester so we can feel as close as possible to the baby who will one day leave a trail of golden poop throughout Buckingham Palace. 

I'm sorry, I just called the royal fetus a "baby", as if the same moniker we give the newest members of our plebian populace would suffice for the future heir to the British throne.

The chosen one? His or her excellency? Your miniature majesty? 

It's so hard to figure out how to address a being that is more important while still inside the womb than you will ever be in your whole pathetic life.

I must admit, I am not the biggest anglophile. Although I really like London (despite the weather and the fact that pubs close way before my bedtime), I have as much interest in Will and Kate as I do American royalty. You know, the Kardashians, the Giudices of Jersey and Your Royal Highness Suri Cruise.

I will say, Will and Kate seem like decent human beings who, if it wasn't for that whole British monarchy thing, seem like fun companions with which to grab a beer. I bet, much to OK! Magazine's dismay, they are not the kind of parents who opt for diamond-encrusted pacifiers or Gucci-logo-covered breastmilk coolers, unless they are gifted by tasteless celebrities from the USofA. 

I wasn't planning on writing about the Royal Baby except that leading up to the blessed event (any day now!!!), my inbox has been flooded with press releases urging me to talk about products and their supposed connection with the soon-to-be prince or princess.

For instance, let's take SnoozeShade, a stroller cover that keeps your baby out of the sun. I'm sorry, I meant to say— a stroller cover that "ensures baby gets in all royal naps and stays protected from the sun when Kate and William are out and about performing their royal duties". Don't you want to buy one now?

Did you know William has been "buttering up" his pregnant princess to ensure she's stretch mark free? Well, now you can give your own baby bump "the royal treatment a la Kate Middleton with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula"! They were even kind enough to send me a side-by-side of the Duchess and a bottle of Palmer's as if that means anything.

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Are you searching for a baby blanket but haven't found one "suitable for both little heirs and little heiresses"? Have no fear– Magnificent Baby's blanket not only features a trumpet and pram print but also a "gold foil printed crown announcing 'An Heir Is Born!' perfect for your new prince or princess".

Or perhaps the man in your life would like a Windsor-worthy Daddy Diaper Pack? "Whether it’s a simple stroll through the palace grounds or a coronation ceremony with baby and all royals in attendance, the Daddy Diaper Pack will help make everything easier." So versatile! And I can totally see William wearing a backpack that says "I'm the Daddy"!

Screen Shot 2013-07-10 at 2.19.30 AMEven Netflix has "Royal Baby Fever" and would like me to tell everyone eagerly anticipating the birth of Britain's future, that hits from the BBC, like Sherlock and Doctor Who, will "keep the British excitement in the air" and "satisfy your Anglophile cravings by prepping you for the young prince or princess’ arrival!" Exclamation point theirs, not mine. (Et tu, Netflix?)

If it's jewelry you crave instead of television, you should look into Isabelle Grace's elegant pieces, which are "perfect for Duchess Kate to wear in all occasions" but also "unique and stunning enough to become royal family heirlooms". This before they tout "a classy sterling silver charm…accented with a cubic zirconia". Royal heirloom indeed!

In the face of these rather tenuous connections to the Royal-baby-to-be, I have put together a list of ACTUAL BRITISH THEMED BABY GIFTS pictured at the top of this post. But if you feel you must buy one to commemorate the occasion (and who could blame you), I'd suggest sending it to a local charity. 

Anglophile or not, I think we can all agree on one thing. Will and Kate are the last two people on earth in need of gifts.

Well. Excluding, Kim and Kanye.


Clockwise from top left: Big Ben stroller liner from Maclaren, Mind the Nap London Underground onesie, Easywalker MINI stroller, Doubledecker Bus, Royal Baby Pacifier, Rachel Riley Bear Prince, Royal Baby themed throw pillows from Naked Decor, Union Jack Little Britain baby booties

I have not been compensated for any product mentions in this post. These PR people just got lucky that I found their press releases so amusing.