After completing my holiday shopping for Mike and Mazzy and giving some gifts to Toys for Tots, I turned my attention to some other children in need. Celebrity children. I’m sure Rachel Zoe will bestow Skylar with the finest mink diaper money can buy, but is that really what the kid wants? I think not.
1. SURI CRUISE
I hear Suri will be getting her very own Jimmy Choo children’s section plus an outpost of Dylan’s Candy Bar built inside a custom-made miniature replica of Bergdorf’s. But I would like to give Suri something that she desperately needs. She won’t like it now, but she will thank me later.
I will be giving Suri the gift of “feet preservation”. Or more exactly— a pair of children’s orthopedic shoes plus her very own bunion relief sleeve. God knows, Suri will be upset if doctors force her to enter her preteen years in flats. And that’s exactly what’s gonna happen if she keeps forcing her growing feet into toddler heels. An item that shouldn’t even exist.
I’m just encouraging you to take preemptive measures, Suri. Nobody wants forty year old feet at thirteen.
2. SKYLAR MORRISON (son of Rachel Zoe):
For the rest of his life, Skylar will be getting the gift of designer clothing from his mother. Tod’s driving moccasins, Gucci bomber jackets and dry clean only wool pajamas are just the beginning. I hear there’s a Versace kids’ store opening in Milan this year so I’m sure Skylar will be spending the majority of his young life there, locked in a dressing room, only to be set free once he figures out how to fasten a french cuff by himself.
For you, Skylar, I give a 3 pack of Gerber onesies. Because every child deserves to know what cotton feels like. And should not live in fear of spilling.
3. SHILOH JOILE-PITT:
Shiloh is a tricky one. On the one hand, it seems pretty obvious what she’s into— army boots, Miami Vice get-ups and channeling Kurt Cobain. I hear you Shiloh— I wore flannels and combat boots all through the early ’90s. But just in case your sense of style is being carefully orchestrated by your mother (although as you get older, I admit that seems less likely), I would like to give you something pink.
Don’t freak out! It’s not a tutu or a copy of Pinkalicious or anything. It’s an army watch. I’m okay with the boy clothes, but a child who wears nothing but blacks and grays is depressing. Just infuse a touch of color, ‘kay? Even my husband wears pink sometimes.
4. MORROCAN & MONROE CANNON:
Did you know that Mariah gave birth while listening to her own album? Her live performance of “Fantasy” to be more specific. It is conceivable that Roc & Roe might go a good five to ten years without ever being exposed to music sung by anyone other than their mother.
So. To them I give “The History of Rock ‘N Roll”. And a copy of “Glitter”. I think the twins will need both in their arsenal to keep their mother’s ego in check.
5. HARLOW MADDEN:
Harlow has a tough road ahead of her. As the daughter of a woman who most likely lives on gum, Sweet ‘n Low and Starbucks, someone is gonna need to teach this kid healthy eating habits. I’d like to do my part by giving Harlow the book “Eat, Drink and Be Healthy” along with an In & Out gift card.
Try to eat your burgers while your mother isn’t looking— I don’t want to get you in trouble.
6. BEYONCE’S UNBORN BABY:
Beyonce’s baby will no doubt have everything a child could want. But none of that will matter if the kid can’t find a damn thing in their 2200 square foot nursery.
For Beyonce’s unborn child, I am bestowing both a tracking device and a Garmin GPS system so that the poor thing will be able to locate his/her pacifier when needed. Not to mention, stand a chance of finding the way out of that huge-ass room. It just might take a few hours.
7. MASON DASH DISICK:
I’m sure being the littlest puppet in Kris Kardashian’s Reality Horror Series is a role many young boys would love. But just in case, I am giving Mason the gift of a family attorney plus a copy of “Irreconcilable Differences” for emancipation of a minor inspiration.
Being born into the Kardashian clan is a fate I wouldn’t wish on anybody and by the time Mason comes of age, who knows what lengths Grandma will go, to get him the cover of US Weekly.
Double homicide? Sex change? Forcing him to use Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon?
Be afraid, Mason. Be very afraid.