I wanted to write a letter directly to Rachel Zoe, just like my “Dear Katie Holmes” and “Dear Mariah Carey” letters, but I didn’t know what to say. Because Rachel Zoe is not being held captive in Tom Cruise’s basement or living in a rainbow-glitter-filled-cloud in the sky— Rachel Zoe knows exactly what she’s doing.
So… Instead, I am writing a letter to Skyler, her four-month-old baby boy— a poor little guy who needs to get clued in on the cards he’s been dealt.
Welcome to the world! Congrats on thriving in a womb nourished exclusively on gum and Starbucks! Obviously, you are a fighter!
OK. Are you lying down?
I don’t want to alarm you but— YOU ARE WEARING A $1450 GUCCI LEATHER BOMBER JACKET.
Now, this might have been a gift from Gucci, so your mother might not have paid anything for it, but that doesn’t mean she loves it any less. She keeps it in a silk baby garment bag, for god’s sake. She’s also on video (see below) saying that the jacket is “EVERYTHING” to her. (Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s a small space in the back of mom’s label-obsessed heart reserved for you, too.)
I’m only telling you this, Skyler, because I want you to think twice before doing anything stupid— like spitting up or drooling or god forbid— pooping while clothed. Unfortunately for you, normal baby bodily functions have huge staining potential. And I’m not sure how kindly your mom would react to such careless treatment of high-end designer duds.
If you’re thinking that you can bend over and aim your regurgitated sour milk at your shoes, that’s not an option either. Those aren’t shoes— they are Tod’s driving moccasins.
And that blanket draped across your lap? Hermes.
Sorry kid. You’ve got a long life of putting your clothing and accessories before your comfort and well-being. I’m sure all you want to do is rip off those wool footie pajamas and slip on a summer-friendly Gerber onesie but I’m afraid mom would have a heart attack. They come in *GASP* plastic wrapped packs of three!!!
In all honesty, I believe your mom gave birth to you for reasons other than the adorableness of her favorite designer collections in miniature form. I just don’t have any examples for you yet. But I have faith that one day, she’ll pair you with a handbag and realize your TRUE ACCESSORY POTENTIAL.
Sweet dreams, little Skyler. While the rest of Babyland dreams of boobs and bottles, you can dream of onesies that aren’t dry clean only.
FYI— cotton feels fantastic.
Maybe mom will let you touch a swatch of it one day.
I promise. You’ll DIE.
PS: Below is a video of your mom showing off your $78,000 wardrobe on ABC News. Yes, this is considered “NEWS”. You’ll learn all about that media misstep someday, too.