Congratulations to Callon! As the winner of the MJK Knits giveaway, her daughter Sage will soon be rockin’ a bright pink sweater with a lime “S” on the front. But that’s not all!
Remember when I asked you who you’d choose as your celebrity mom friend? That’s because, as an added bonus, the winner gets a playdate with the celebrity of her choice!
Who did Callon choose to spend her day with? None other than mother to Harlow Winter Kate and Sparrow James Midnight, that skinny bitch in a maxi dress— Nicole Richie.
Now, it’s not my job to question Callon’s choice of celebrity mom friend, it’s just my job to make it happen. So I contacted Mrs. Richie (currently awaiting her return phone call) and took the liberty of putting together an agenda for their playdate.
Important Note: Callon— remember to dress Sage in her fancy new sweater!
9am: Callon & Sage arrive at the Richie/Madden residence
9-11:30am: “Test of Patience” in foyer while Nicole is upstairs finding appropriate attire for herself and her two kids (snacks provided include breadless arugula sandwiches, packets of sweet ‘n low, and crushed ice)
11:30am: Official introductions in “The Accessory Closet” for Part II of Nicole’s Outfit Preparation
Introductory Topics of Discussion
Why Sparrow is Cuter than Bronx Mowgli
How Burping Next to Paris Hilton can be the Gateway to Celebrity
Owning The Bitch Inside You
12:00pm: Trip to Starbucks
12:45pm: Paparazzi photo op with children
1:00pm: Five rounds of “Ring and Run”, Location: Rachel Zoe’s house
1:30pm: Lunch / Lesson in pretending to eat sushi
2:30pm: Fifteen minute break for Callon to come to terms with the fact that she could have chosen Tina Fey or Gwen Stefani
2:45pm: Play practical joke on Rachel Bilson in which her dog is stolen
3:30pm: Wardrobe change
5:00pm: Supervised play and round table discussions
Round Table Topics
Using Gum as a Meal Substitute
Mischa Barton’s weight fluctuation (photo evidence provided)
LIndsay Lohan: Friend or Foe?
6:30pm: Goodbye cocktails in the “Is Nicole Too Skinny?” US Weekly Covers Hallway Gallery
7:00pm: Callon and Sage depart
7:15pm: Visit to In & Out Burger where a delirious and starving Callon realizes Nicole stole Sage’s awesome “S” sweater to give to Sparrow
Callon— Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your prize. I hope the sweater and your playdate are everything you dreamed it would be!
As for the rest of you, I couldn’t ignore your responses. Here’s a list of the celebrity mom friends you chose and what that might mean…
Giselle Bundchen: You have successfuly deluded yourself into thinking you have a shot with her husband.
Julia Roberts: You still think it’s the mid ’90s.
Salma Hayek: You would like to admire her boobs in person.
Jennifer Garner: You’re probably normal. Also, boring.
Reese Witherspoon: You’re contemplating “bangs” and want her honest opinion.
Gwen Stefani: You want your music, your fashion advice and your workout buddy wrapped up in one convenient package.
Tina Fey: You’re seeking official confirmation that you are not that funny (because she is SO funny, in case that wasn’t clear)
Ellen Degeneres: The mirror is no longer enough. You would like to show-off your dance skills on national television.
Padma Lakshimi: You like getting high and eating eggs benedict.
Maya Rudolph: You’re curious if she ever did a Saturday Night Live skit in which she wasn’t singing.
Nicole Kidman: You want to touch her face to see if it shatters.
Allyson Hannigan: Somebody needs to tell CBS that it’s time for Ted to meet the GODDAMN mother.
Octomom & Britney Spears: You like friends who make you feel better about your parenting skills.
Giada De Laurentis: You’re hungry.
Courtney Cox: You would like to know the location of the Fountain of Youth (Bitch is 47!!)
Bethenney Frankel: Jill Zarin once gave you a dirty look on the street and you think it’s time for a showdown.
Ellen Pompeo: You want to yell at someone about that STUPID STUPID Grey’s Anatomy Musical Event.
Neil Patrick Harris: You are confused as to the definition of “mother”. (Also, wheeee!!!! I want to be his friend too!)
Natalie Portman: You’re curious how fresh faced she’ll look after 6 months with a newborn.
Heidi Klum: You’ve been sewing dresses in your basement since childhood.
Pink: You want to compare tattoo sleeves with her husband.
Mia Michaels: (I found no evidence that Mia has children so…) you wish that you could have her babies.
Me (yes, someone said this): You either have a distorted perception of reality or believe that flattery can buy you a sweater. No can do, Nicole— giveaways are determined by “random number generator” only.
Nobody picked Katie Holmes. I am going to chalk that up to the collective sanity of my readers. Also conspiciously absent were Keri Russell, Rebecca Romijn, Ashley Simpson, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Lopez. Do you want to call to tell them the bad news or should I?