Mommy Shorts

Baby Mugging (#babeinamug) is Officially a Thing

When I started Baby Mugging on Tuesday, I had no idea it would become A THING. Well, now all you have to do is check the #babeinamug hashtag on instagram to see how quickly baby mugshots have spread. 

Of course, some people who missed my original baby mugging instructions on facebook, wondered how we had all shrunk our children down to drinkable size, so I'll reiterate.

There is no photoshop, trickery or smart phone app necessary. Just follow the simple steps below.

BABY MUGGING: 
Step 1) Put your baby on the floor. 
Step 2) Hold a mug in front of your baby.
Step 3) Take a photo and post it on the Mommy Shorts fanpage or tag @mommyshorts with #babeinamug on Instagram.

Here are some of my favorite baby mugshots from the hundreds(!) posted in the last three days...

If Toddlers Were on The Bachelor

Here's something you might not know about me— I'm obsessed with The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I'm not ashamed. I've watched every season since it first started and I think there is no finer entertainment on earth.

Well, maybe that's overstating things a bit. But not by much.

I was going to post these photos of kids kissing on Valentine's Day, but so many of my captions referenced my favorite reality show, I decided to save them for today. If you are not aware, we are in the middle of a two day Bachelor extravaganza.

It's possible that only me and Chris Harrison will find these funny. I guess I'm willing to take that risk...

It Wouldn't Be Christmas Without Captions

Thank you to everyone who voted for their favorite caption on the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage. Ultimately, the win went to Jessica who came up with the Hanukkah-friendly caption above.

Jessica wins a coveted copy of "Spending The Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat". First up on Jessica's throat punch list? The evil snowman pictured above Santa's head, before it photobombs anyone else.

As much as I love Jessica's caption, I'm afraid one photo does not do Christmas justice. So, I asked you all to post your funniest holiday photos on the Mommy Shorts Fanpage (have you joined that thing yet??) so I could caption a whole bunch. I even stole a few losing captions from the contest.

My Christmas gift to you is the photo captions below. I hope you don't try to return them. 

The Belated Halloween Costume Awards

The Halloween Costume Awards are a little belated this year since many towns on the East Coast celebrated late due to Hurricane Sandy.

There were tons of photos submitted to the Mommy Shorts fanpage (including Peyton's direct challenge to Mazzy's Olivia costume up top) and I couldn't possibly use all of them. But I did my best. 

I'm gonna give "Best Olivia" to Peyton, since I bet Peyton wore her ears all night and not just for the two seconds it took to take her picture. I had to bribe Mazzy with chocolate to put her ears on, and then they stayed as far away from her head as possible from that point forward.

Ready for the rest?

Let's start with Kinley who wins "Most Likely to Disappoint his Over-achieving Parents":

Baby Shaming: Reader Edition

Baby Shaming continues to be a "hot topic" thanks to a feature on The Today Show over the weekend.

I was a little disappointed Lester Holt did not call me for comment, but apparently, the piece had nothing to do with me "shaming" Mazzy and was all about a dad who posted a picture of his three-year-old daughter on facebook with a sign hanging around her neck about pooping in the shower.

The Today Show folks did not see the humor in the event, so much so that they questioned it's effectiveness as a form of punishment. "The child can't even read!" a stunned Jenna Wolfe declared.

EXACTLY. 

It's not discipline. It's a joke. SHEESH.

I do feel it's important to draw some line as to what is and what is not appropriate. I am going to call it "THE DEFECATION LINE". I can definitely see a three-year-old girl being embarrassed at some point in the future knowing the internet is aware of her past as a shower shitter.

With that in mind, I have sorted through the reader-submitted baby shaming photos and left out the ones having to do with peeing, pooping, farting and sharting. I don't believe any of the incidents featured below will ever truly embarrass a child.

Although, I thought embarrassing your children was half the point of being a parent...

Babes of Summer: Fan Photo Album

Although, Mazzy decided she didn't like the ocean this summer, she couldn't have been happier in the pool. She would stay in for as long as we let her, rubbing her toes red on the bottom, trying not to swallow water and shivering her ass off. None of it mattered— the girl was in her element. 

Sadly, Mazzy's pool days are numbered as September fast approaches, so today I'm bidding farewell to summer the only way I know how— with a "Fan Photo Album".

All photos were submitted via the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage. I tried to include as many kids as I could, but I couldn't use them all. If you submitted a picture and it's not here, it's probably because I couldn't think of a caption. I hope we can still be friends.

Without further ado, I present "BABES OF SUMMER 2012"...

Ella:

The Mommy Shorts Preschool Yearbook

Once upon a time, I requested readers to send in their kids' school pictures. After Zach and Ronnie's infamous mugshot, I thought they would all be ripe for caption hilarity.

Yearbook superlatives ("Best Dressed", "Most Likely to Succeed", etc.) would be the perfect way to commemorate the end of the school year!

Unfortunately, most of your kids are just too damn cute and solid backdrops give little to work with. I was grasping at straws for most of these. But I did my best. 

Fan Photo Album: Babes in Love

Above is Claire and Mikey, just one of the many adorable photos submitted on the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage after I posted a request for pictures of kids kissing. The request was inspired both by Valentine's Day and the very timely photo of Mazzy's first kiss last weekend.

Now, if you are a regular of my blog, you know that whenever I do a fan photo album, there will be captions. This time is no exception. HOWEVER. I realized midway through the captioning process that these photos were a little trickier to caption than most.

For instance, I made a very smart decision NOT TO CAPTION any of the brother/sister pics and instead post them in a separate VERY INNOCENT slideshow called "Sibling Love" on Babble. If you posted a picture of two siblings kissing, you can probably find them there.

As for the rest of you, I tried to keep it as PG as possible. Some of the photos made it tough. If anyone has an issue with a caption, just email me and I will take it down.

Ready?

Let's start with Luke and Zephra:

The "I Hate Santa" Album

I'm going to end the week leading up to Christmas the only way I know how— with inappropriate elves and kids who hate Santa. (For example, that's Declan up top with a Santa hatred strong enough to burn a hole in the sun.)

Yesterday, Baby Rabies announced the Top Eleven Inappropriate Elves. Unfortunately, Original Deadbeat Dad and Ball-Gagged Santa didn't make the cut. So I will be throwing my support behind either the elf pissing his name in the snow or the kidney thief. Baby Rabies will announce the winner on Christmas Eve. Bated breath, people, bated breath.

I filmed the fifth episode of the Mommy Shorts Show last weekend right before I lost my voice. I'm talking about inappropriate toys, the end of the Cake Smash Smackdown and Mazzy's brithday. Check it out here. If you like my show and want to know when I post another, please subscribe.

Now on to those tortured kids sitting on the laps of elderly strangers in the mall.

The "I HATE SANTA" Fan Photo Album

First up, it made sense to have KENDALL & LEYNA of Baby Rabies/Inappropriate Elf fame:

First World Problems, My Big Debut & The Cake Smash Smackdown Continues

I was supposed to announce the winner of "Best Shirtless Smash" today but at the moment it is tied between Edward and Keeley. SO. I'm gonna put the two of them up for a tiebreaker vote on the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage this afternoon. Probably around 3pm. Winner gets a Colossal Cupcake ($42) from Crumbs Bake Shop and a guaranteed spot in "Best Overall Smash" on December 9th.

Secondly, congrats to April Peris who is the winner of an $18 Crumbs gift card. Try not to smear your free baked goods all over your face.

I'll be giving out another Colossal Cupcake today for "Messiest Smash", but first I've got some things to discuss.

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MOMMY SHORTS: THE SHOW

This week I debuted the first episode of my YouTube show. You can read all about how I'm trying to get over the whole camera-shy thing here.

Well.

The reviews are in and you guys all had super kind stuff to say like:

"I don't hate it!" — Kande

"My two-year-old liked it." — Greta

"Totally not awkward." — Alyssa

"I can't actually watch the video but I'm sure it's amazing!" — Emily

Thank you to everyone who commented, critiqued and subscribed. Also, it appears that you all want hair tips. This means in addition to making another video, I will have to clean my bathroom so I am comfortable filming there. Awesome. 

If you haven't seen my show yet, you can check it out here. If you like it, please subscribe because I'm not sure if I'll post every episode on the blog. (Plus, seeing that subscription number tick up is my new favorite thing.)

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FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: MOMMY EDITION

Earlier this week, Rants from Mommyland asked me to judge their First World Problems: Mommy Edition. (I even listed ten of my own.)

Well, they ended up with 500 ENTRIES (read them all here and here) of which I had to narrow down to TEN.

Not an easy task, my friends.

Not to mention, I had things to do yesterday like complain that my fresh sushi wasn't delivered straight to my doorstep as quickly as I would have liked.

Life is so HARD.

Check out the top ten "First World Problems" over at Rants today.   

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COLOSSAL CAKE SMASH SMACKDOWN: ROUND 2

Next up, we've got Round Two of the Cake Smash Smackdown sponsored by Crumbs Bake Shop. This round we're doing MESSIEST. I will try my best to think of a caption for each one besides "If I stare too hard, I might puke." Seriously, that almost happened with Aiden's picture below.

Remember to vote for your favorite at the bottom!

And the "MESSIEST SMASH" NOMINEES are...

Cheech in "I Swear, Strawberry Shortcake Was Already Dead When I Got Here"