Mommy Shorts

Calculate Your Age in Mom Years

Ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered if you'd look younger if you never had any kids? Anna from My Life and Kids did. She sent me a guest post about a "true age test for moms" explaining "even though I'm only in my early thirties on paper, I'm pretty sure I'm much older than that in life". 

I liked her post so much, I added a few points of my own and turned it into a fancy graphic. 

By the calculations below, I'd be 141 years-old and Anna would be 106. Apparently, one too many times prepping a snack of goldfish crackers on toast can age a person. You know what that means?

We're pretty hot for CENTENARIANS.

Now, get out your calculators, take the test and tell us your age in MOM YEARS in the comment section.

40 Weeks Pregnant: The Pie Chart

To be fair, it's not just my mother. It's my mother-in-law, my father, my sister, my friends, my co-workers, my dry cleaner, my doorman, etc. etc. etc.

All the attention has successfully convinced my husband that we are late and something is wrong, when in reality we are due tomorrow.

When I say "we", I am being polite. Obviously, I will be the only one pushing a baby out of my vagina and my husband better remember that for the rest of his life.

Spending a Power Outage with a Toddler Is...

If you play your cards right during a black out, you can have tons of quality time with your children and possibly break your toddler of their Team Umizoomi habit. But most likely, you will just be fielding incredibly annoying questions like "WHY????" over and over again.

Conversations go something like this:

"Can I watch Team UmiZoomi?"

"Sorry, sweetie, the TV isn't working."

"Why?"

"Because there is no electricity."

"Why?"

"Because the power went out."

"Why?"

"Because of the big storm."

"Why?"

"Because people have taken advantage of the earth in ways that are resulting in a scary amount of climate change and unfortunately natural disasters are only going to become more and more common."

"Oh..."

(pause)

"Can I watch Fresh Beat Band?"

Fall Family Activities: The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

Last Saturday, we took Mazzy apple picking. It sounds simple, but modern day apple picking seems to involve everything from petting zoos to carnival games to waiting as patiently as one knows how for apple cider doughnuts. (Speaking of petting zoos, check out NickMom's "Top 9 Reasons Why Petting Zoos Should be Outlawed".)

I think we had fun. We discovered Mazzy likes live bluegrass music. And that she makes an excellent substitution for an apple picker pole. 

But we also discovered that when exposed to varied terrain (fields, orchards, outdoor food courts, etc.), Mazzy is like Carrie Mathison in Beirut. Turn your head for a second and she's gone— the need for adventure totally outweighing all common sense. (Okay, maybe that wasn't the best analogy, but I'm so excited Homeland is back on, I just couldn't help myself.)

Below is a series of pie charts that properly break down all "fall family activities", so you can make a proper judgement call before you dedicate an entire Saturday to chasing a toddler while lugging a bushel of apples.

The Big Girl Bed is Kicking My Ass

We switched Mazzy to a "big girl bed" about two weeks ago. It was not something I wanted to do— Mazzy slept perfectly well in her crib and never once attempted to get out— but I was told we had to transition her before the baby arrived or else she would harbor negative feelings against her little sister for stealing her stuff.

Since I didn't want to worry about Mazzy smothering her soon-to-be roommate while she slept, we bought a toddler bed on Craig's List, told Mazzy she was a big girl now, and crossed our fingers.

The first few days went swimmingly. Mazzy went to sleep just like she normally did and did not seem to notice the unlimited freedom that her new bed provided.

Then, on the third night— EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT.

And when I say "everything went to shit", I mean— ANY ILLUSIONS OF CONTROL WE PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT WE HAD OVER OUR TODDLER HAVE NOW DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY.

Toddler Speak Translated

Forget butchered words, Mazzy is speaking in whole sentences now. I don't want to go so far as to call my two-and-a-half-year-old a LIAR, but she definitely has some creative ways of twisting the truth. 

Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say that language limitations are responsible for most miscommunications. It's either that or she's using the whole "toddler" thing as a guise to exercise master manipulation.

Any of these sound familiar?

I'm sure, one day, my daughter will tell me exactly what is on her mind and then I will look back on this period fondly.

Pretty sure "I hate you" equals "I hate you" in teenage speak.

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Check out my post on Babble today called "Are You More Relaxed Your Second Pregnancy?" Relaxed, reckless, whatever. Soft cheeses are delicious...

Lose Your Toddler on Your Layover? YOU WIN!

Remember "Road Trip Bingo"? Well, that was SUCH A BLAST (what with all the complaining and the puking), I thought it was time for another game.

This time I'd like to challenge you to "Airplane Bingo", brought to you by our friends at NickMom. 

I must warn you— I'm really good at this game. I could probably take the "N" column (stuffed-animal-separation-anxiety, tray shenigans, and incessant staring at the passengers behind us) all before take-off.

Although my biggest problem is always Mazzy trying to escape me at the airport, while I'm lugging all the bags.

Are You Ready for Potty Training? (A Flow Chart)

Since last week's children's TV show flow chart went over so well, I decided to make another for potty training.

I think it's fairly obvious where I stand on this matter. But if not, you can check out my post on Babble today called "No, My Daughter Is Not Potty Trained, Thanks for Asking".

To be honest, none of the things above have happened to me because we haven't made a real attempt. Mazzy's made it clear she's not interested and the only reason to force to the issue, as far as I can see, is to impress family and friends.

Plus, a friend's dog pissed on my couch once and it took a long time for my husband to convince me we didn't need to buy a new one.

What about you? Got any nightmarish potty training stories you'd like to share? Or, care to make us all jealous with a shit-free tale of toilet-training ease?

Which Kid's TV Shows are You Destined to Watch?

For the first year of this blog, I gave Elmo a lot of shit. But that was before Mazzy watched any children's programming other than Sesame Street.

Now, I understand that 'annoying' is relative. If I could do it all over again, I never would have introduced my daughter to anything outside of Bert and Ernie's apartment.

The following flow chart will help you determine what shows you should encourage your kids to watch based on your background and personal preferences. 

For instance, if you are the lamest person in Canada, you'll LOVE Calliou. If you trip your face off after you put the kids to bed, try Yo Gabba Gabba.

Do You Have "Third Kid Mentality"?

The decisions I make this pregnancy compared to my first suggest that I am now an entirely different person. I wouldn't even take a sip of coffee last go round and here I am snorting allergy medication twice a day. 

Also— is blue cheese really a big deal? What about forgetting to take your prenatal vitamins two days in a row? A sip of wine never hurt anyone, did it? What about vodka? And GODDAMNIT, I am much more comfortable sleeping on my RIGHT side, alright? 

I should definitely stop at two kids. Judging by the chart below from NickMom, if I got pregnant a third time, I'd probably spend the entire nine months drinking margaritas while scooping kitty litter.