Like most toddlers, Mazzy likes books. All books. If she had her way, at bedtime, I would read every book she owns. And probably a few more than once. But since I will only read three and I despise a large majority of the options, book selection becomes of utmost importance to both of us.
I find myself PRAYING that Mazzy will not pick certain books. Books that I have literally fallen asleep in the middle of reading. Books that I suddenly remember I meant to give to Good Will but are still sitting scarily within reach on the shelf. Books that make me want to cut bedtime routine short, dump Mazzy in her crib and run out of the room screaming.
THE SIX BOOKS I WANT TO THROW OUT MY 12 STORY WINDOW ONTO THE STREETS OF NYC WHERE HOPEFULLY THEY WILL GET RUN OVER BY NUMEROUS CARS AND BUSES:
1) Maisy Goes to Preschool, by Lucy Cousins
We only have one book from the "Maisy" series but from what I understand, they are all exactly the same, i.e. they could be written by a second grader. Scratch that. They could be written by a second grader while he/she was simultaneously eating dinner, watching television and solving complex math equations.
If you are unaware of Maisy, she is a rat. And not a very cute rat at that. The book goes something like this:
Maisy goes to preschool. She hangs her coat. She draws pictures. She plays in the playground. How busy she is! The end.
It's only saving grace is that it's short.
2) The Grouchy Ladybag, by Eric Carle
Remember the story from the '90s about the woman who had seizures every time she heard Mary Hart's voice? That's me and "The Grouchy Lady Bug". The tiny type that continually gets larger, the weirdly cut page slivers, the word "aphid", those miniscule clocks, the sometimes black on black writing…
I literally have a physical reaction. The book makes me want to jump out of my skin. Seriously. My heart races and my head feels like it's about to explode. You think I'm exaggerating but I'm not. There is sweating and heart palpitations. It is trying to kill me.
Plus, any children's book that makes it difficult to stack other books on top of it (it's thicker on one end than the other like a looseleaf), deserves to be out of print.
3) The Runaway Bunny, By Margaret Wise Brown
I know most people hate "Goodnight Moon" (also by Margaret Wise Brown) and don't get me wrong, I do too— but the book I really can't stand is the Runaway Bunny. For starters, it's just LAME.
Secondly, I never know what to do when I am reading a book out loud and all of a sudden a page has no words on it. And Runaway Bunny has no words on every other fucking page. Plus the pages with words have tiny boring black and white illustrations while the pages with no words have full color bleed illustrations and I'm forced to say things like…
"And now the baby bunny is shaped like a sailboat and the momma bunny is shaped like the wind and she's blowing the baby bunny's ears because they are acting like the sails on the sailboat that as I previously mentioned is made out of the baby bunny…"
And then I want to shoot myself.
4) Little Red Riding Hood, illustrated by Jane Dyer
This story is just straight up weird. Even my two-year-old wouldn't confuse a wolf for her grandmother just because he was wearing a sleep bonnet and glasses. And this passage totally disturbs me every time:
"The woodcutter caught the wolf and killed him. He quickly opened the wolf's stomach— and out climbed Grandma alive and well!"
Do you know what they do next? They sit down to eat!
And call me crazy, but on the last page, the woodcutter totally looks like he's about to get lucky with Grandma. Little Red Riding Hood is bright red, looking straight at us, silently screaming— "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!"
5) Any Winnie the Pooh Book, by A. A. Milne
The preciousness of Winnie the Pooh makes me want to vomit. The way they talk, the way they interact, the way most of the characters are all so painfully stupid…
Plus none of the books make any sense, the grammar sucks seemingly on purpose and A. A. Milne has no clue how to effectively end a story.
I actually called my mother to tell her how much I hated Winnie the Pooh and asked why I don't remember reading the books as a kid. She said because she also can't stand Winnie the Pooh and I have never felt so close to her in my life.
6) Eloise, By Kay Thompson
First of all, the book should be retitled as "Shit Rich Toddlers Say". Eloise is a spoiled little shit that I would want influencing my two-year-old just as much as a drug dealing teenager.
Secondly, it feels like the longest book in the history of ever. Like the "War & Peace" of children's books. It's like a cruel joke played on parents who just want to get bedtime over with so they can complete a two hour episode of the Bachelor before they fall asleep.
Thirdly, it is written in the voice of a six-year-old so it has no cadence or rhyme or grammar that hangs together whatsoever. I stumble over words like I just recently learned to read.
I made it through the book exactly once before I threw it behind the bookshelf entirely.
Hopefully, "Maisy" will find it and eat it.
She's back there, too.
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Alright, your turn. What children's books can you absolutely not stand?
“Guess How Much I Love You” should be retitled “I’m Way Better Than You” – It’s all about a parent one upping a child. I hate that book. Also – anything Barney or Disney.
Love love love Dr Suess though!
I had to chime in evn though this is an older post that I’m just getting to because my MIL bought this book to keep at her house way before my husband even planned to expand (we were married fore 10 yrs before adding to our family). To me:
a.) the story is creepy in its own right
b.) why would MIL get this book with no young children in her house or on their way?
c.) should I be worried about her mental stste?
I was just happy that she lived 2 states and a 7 hourdrive away. PS – husband thought that it was creepy too. We try to hide the book whenever we come to visit now.
See … This blog is why we are raising a country of FFA regulated shit … If you don’t like it then *gasp* JUST DON’T BUY IT!!!! I like half of those books on there & grew up with some of them as a kid.
This reminds me of a “worst kids movies” list I saw a while back, movies like the lion king & dumbo were on there … ??? Huh???
First of all, why would you even make a post like this in the first place? It offers nothing to a reader and does nothing but insult authors’ hard work. Children’s books are so easy to pick on, why make them your target? How about a list of books you love to read to your child.
And if that wasn’t enough, you had to go ahead and pick on arguably the best children’s series ever written. “The preciousness of Winnie the Pooh makes me want to vomit.” Are you serious? Winnie the Pooh is precious because of how wholesome and kindhearted it is. What could possibly be so offensive as to make you write a whole paragraph dedicated specifically to slamming it? Certainly not a young boy playing in the woods with his make-believe friends, the epitome of American childhood.
I haven’t read anything else on this blog, so maybe I don’t have the full picture, but it seems to me that you have nothing better to do than to bitch about the parts of parenting that you don’t enjoy, which apparently include reading to your child. Then again, it sounds as though this could be an issue of heredity on its own, from what you said about your mother.
If these books are not having any values to learn then why you bought these? As far as I know every kids story book have some values to learn. So, you can let your kids to learn all those values from those books.
“Do you like my hat?!”
She’ll get it, and then she’ll start saying YES and you”’ have to be all, “no Nooooo! You Caaaan’t let him!” Still love those though.
In rebuttal to your* article above, since when is the “F” word acceptable – ever? Thank goodness you aren’t writing children’s books! Did you ever think of getting creative and making the experience of bonding with your child fun by reading on voices, or changing the words around (once your kid knows the story) for a laugh? Or, is that what you pay your nanny for? I will let you in on a secret…the books are written for the kids, not for you…whoever you are (*Maybe I missed it, but I did not see an author’s name taking credit for this article.
“Brown bear brown bear.. what do you see? I see a purple cat…” on and on.. lol that one’s bad. And NOW you tell us that “Eloise” sucks. Number 9 book of your top ten newyork children’s book list! I bought it.. but haven’t read it yet. I think I’ll go hide it before my son sees it!
We had a Little Golden Book “The Fire Engine Book” now granted, I’m pretty sure it was originally published in the 50s. But it uses the “FireMEN” and all the pictures are of MEN! I read it once and threw it away. I didn’t want my daughter OR sons getting any ideas about gender stereotypes in any way, let alone for career choice and during toddlerhood. Stupidest book ever. You’d think the publishers could update it and move at least into the 70s for heaven’s sake. Well I’ll admit that one everyone else mentioned about the mom crawling in through the sons window is pretty darn creepy. I’ll give that one first prize.