While going through the giveaway entries for "I Just Want to Be Alone" (a book filled with funny essays from your favorite bloggers about the men in their lives), it occured to me that all funny husband/boyfriend/ex-partner stories could be separated into three categories: gross things men have done, dumb things men have done and times when men were total inconsiderate a-holes.
Meanwhile, the reason I didn't contribute a story for the book was because I couldn't think of something that was both funny and endearing. If only I had known we were supposed to laugh at our husbands instead of with them, I would have had way more things to write about!
Like the time Mike rented a stick shift on vacation in Italy because it was the cheaper option, having no idea how to drive it. He nearly killed us five times. PER DAY. I'm pretty sure he upset the entire traffic system in Tuscany as cars lined up behind us as we stalled at traffic light after traffic light. And let's not forget his feeble attempts to put the car in reverse while we were facing the side of a cliff. You could probably hear me screaming all the way back in America.
Anyway, I was supposed to pick the three funniest stories to win a $50 Amazon gift card, but as per usual, I could not decide on my own. Instead, I'd like to make it into a comment competition. Remember those?
I have separated my favorite comments into the three categories and we will vote for a winner in each.
Ready?
The "My Husband is Gross" Competition:
Kristi said…
Early on in our marriage, in the middle of the night, my husband got out of bed and walked to the front of our apartment. I didn't know what was going on, so I followed him. I watched him open the front closet, open the tool box, and pee in it. Startled, I asked him what the hell he was doing and it was then that he really woke up. He was sleep walking. And yes, I made him clean it all up.
Dee said…
We were dating; long distance so we spent a lot of time on the phone. During these long conversations he would occasionally pass gas (and I would simply ignore). Several months in he let loose a particularly musical number that, needless to say, was impossible to ignore due to my uncontrollable fits of laughter. I could feel his embarrassment through the phone as he realized I heard and had probably heard every other time too. Fourteen years later and he still attempts to never pass gas in my presence.
Natasha said…
The time when we were on our honeymoon in Panama. We're staying in this gorgeous little over-water bungalow, with our own private swimming area, and my new husband is hanging onto the ladder, half in the water, with a weird smile on your face. "What are you doing?" "I'm pooping." His explanation? Apparently, the water in Panama off of our PRIVATE HONEYMOON BUNGALOW was the same temperature as his body, and it was almost physically impossible to resist pooping. In the water. Off of our private bungalow. On our honeymoon.
Erin Shaffer said…
The time when he stood directly in front of me, stepped from the tile of the bathroom onto our bedroom carpet, hocked a loogie onto our carpet, and rubbed it in with his foot. Me:……did you just…….? Hubby: um……no.
The "My Husband is an Idiot" Competition:
Gail said…
There was the time when we took a ski trip to Switzerland. He decided to go down the other side of the mountain, alone, into France. And then the lifts closed for the night. He had no passport, no cash, no drivers license…only his lift ticket and a credit card. He finally made it back to us, 4 hours and a $600 cab ride later.
Erika said…
My husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon. During the trip, we went up a mountain peak and I collected genuine Alaskan snow in a water bottle to take home as a souvenir. We went back to the ship and the next morning my snow was gone. My husband DRANK IT.
Melanie said…
How about "the time when my husband gave me a five-minute instructional speech about why our daughters' beloved brand-new fancy swirly-straw cups could NOT go in the dishwasher lest they be ruined, then that same evening admitted to putting them in the dishwasher anyway, ruining the beloved brand-new fancy swirly-straw cups beyond repair, and sending me on a renegade after-bedtime run to Target to replace them before the girls noticed"? Oh, wait, that was LAST NIGHT.
Tanya said…
The time when he proposed and I missed it. We were engaged for a week and I didn't even know it. He had just graduated from military basic training and I visited with his parents. While there, he gave his parents and I a tour of his dorm room and then handed us items from his locker that we wanted us to take back home. He handed me a clunky Air Force ring. A week later, we were on the phone and he was telling me he told his buddies he had a fiance. I responded, "Who? Your what?" He said that he gave me a ring while he was on one knee. I was like, well you didn't ask and you were handing things to your parents on one knee too…
The "My Husband is a Jackass" Competition
Patricia M. said…
We went to Sea World on our honeymoon. Of course, if you go there you have to see the whales. So the bleachers are sectioned off… Soak Zone, Splash Zone, and You're still going to get wet. I was 5 months pregnant and far too lazy to climb to the very top of the bleachers so we sat in the soak zone (me thinking we won't get THAT wet). After the first big wave I was drenched. My new husband was holding me, which I thought was super sweet. As we left I noticed he wasn't half as wet as I was. I asked him how he managed to stay so dry to which he replied, "Easy. I just hid behind you when the waves came".
Chenani said…
When I was pregant with my 1st I didnt get many pregnancy cravings but my husband sure did. He had gained 15 lbs by the middle of my 2nd trimester! One night he crawled into bed, woke me up and asked if I too were craving peach cobbler. I replied that the only thing I was craving was sleep and told him to go by some cobbler for himself. He returned an hour later only to wake me with a bag of fresh peaches! And ouf course…. smelling them made me then crave this silly cobbler which I woke up and baked (from scratch) at 2am!
Melanie said…
The time when, while we were dating, he stood up after dinner with his entire family and made a beautiful speech about how happy he was to have me in his life, and how his life was really changing for the better now that he had me in it. Except instead of saying my name, he kept saying his ex-wife's name.You should have seen his brother-in-law waving his arms frantically in the air trying to get Jimmy to STOP! NOW!! …It's okay. That blunder gave me ammo for yeeeaars.
Denise said…
The time when my husband lost me at the beach on our honeymoon and walked back to the hotel. No towels, no shirt, no keys. He got the desk clerk to give him another door key and went to our room to wait for me. He flipped on the TV and got sucked into the OJ trial (we were married in '95). Mean while, I'm on the beach building a heart shaped sand castle. Getting burned. THREE HOURS LATER I manage to convince a family on vacation that my new husband–who would never just LEAVE ME on the beach–has been eaten by sharks. They get me to check our room before I alert the Coast Guard. Just in case. I return to the room, fried to a crisp, and find him watching the freakin' OJ trial. It took three days before I could wear shoes again and I spent most of our honeymoon buck naked in the room with my hubby spritzing me with Solarcaine. It was not a good kind of naked. I hate freakin' OJ.
Three winners will be announced on Friday, April 11th. Good luck!
If you'd like to purchase "I Just Want to Be Alone" on Amazon, please click here. A huge thanks to Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat for supplying the prizes!
And just for fun— what's the grossest/weirdest/most annoying habit you discovered about your husband after you were married?
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He relies on me to cut his toenails. Didn’t know this was weird until you told me…
I am so glad that I am not the only one who has a pregnancy symptom of “jackass husband.” I swear he shows up the minute that second line comes up and, like the hormones, doesn’t fully go away until the baby is about 6 months old.
My jackass pregnant husband made me clean up explosive dog diarrhea on white carpet while 8 months pregnant while my parents were visiting. I still don’t think THEY have forgiven him!
My husband does a good job of putting the seat down at home, but somehow gets so relaxed when we’re on vacation that he slips back into bachelor mode and leaves it up in hotels, beach houses, etc. Once we’re back home, he’s back in seat down mode, so I am learning to live with it, since we’re not on vacation that often.
My hubby’s not working now. I have to do everything