Giveaway: Three $50 Amazon Gift Cards
When a bunch of humor bloggers got together to write “I Just Want to Pee Alone” last year, I very badly wanted to contribute, but they were collecting submissions right around the time Harlow was born. Between breastfeeding and preschooler wrangling, I just couldn’t hack it.
I swore, if the same people ever got together to write Part Deux, I would not let the opportunity pass me by again.
Well, the opportunity arose, and I’m embarrassed to say, I didn’t take it.
I blame my husband.
This week, “I Just Want to Be Alone” came out, a collection of essays from numerous humor bloggers all about their significant others, and try as I might, I could not write a story about Mike I found worthy.
Well, I probably could have written a story, but I felt compelled to clear the topic with my husband and he veteoed every single one of them.
“How about the time you moved into my apartment and set up your exact bedroom from your old apartment in the spare room next to my bedroom?”
“What about the time I rejected your marriage proposal and made you do it over again later that same day?”
“Does that really have to be in a book?”
“How about the time you got stung by a sea urchin on vacation?
“That’s wasn’t funny.”
“I know! What about your unironic Tony Danza crush???!!!”
“Say what you will but the man has more talent in his pinkie toe than you have in your entire body!!!!”
“I’ve got it. I’ll write about the time Mazzy made a very unfortunate appearance in our bed while we—”
And there you have it. I had nothing.
Tons of my blogger friends did have something to write though and I’ve spent the past few days reading essays like the time Karen Alpert (Baby Sideburns) found out her husband shit himself when he first met her mother.
Or the time Rebecca Gallagher (Frugalista Blog) put her husband on bedtime duty and he put their baby to bed without a diaper.
Or the time Allison Hart (Motherhood WTF?!) almost killed her husband for talking in his sleep.
Or the time Suzanne Fleet (Toulouse & Tonic) gave her husband highlights that resembled a Calico cat.
Or the time Nicole Leigh Shaw’s husband (Ninja Mom Blog) refused to cut their baby’s umbilical cord.
Or the time Kim Fordeville (The Fordeville Diaries) rejoiced when her skinny husband gained ten pounds and had to go on a diet.
Or the time Kim Bongiorno’s husband (Let Me Start By Saying) made her drag a pillowcase full of his travel souvenirs all around Paris.
Or the time Nicole Knepper (Moms Who Drink and Swear) bet her husband a blowjob they were not out of mayonnaise.
Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat is the blogger who puts these essay collections together and I could not be more in awe of her motivation and publishing abilities. I’m impressed with every writer in the book that they find time to write both books and blogs. I’m even more impressed they are still with their husbands after some of the stuff they shared.
I mean, Karen Alpert’s husband took eight years to tell her the shit story and the second he did, she had it published.
That, my friends, is a strong marriage.
You can support some “super cool lady writers” and laugh your ass off at their relationship foibles by buying their book here.
Here’s a fun game! If you had to write a funny a story about your husband, what would the topic be? “The time when…”
I’m giving out three $50 Amazon gift cards to my three favorite answers.
Winners will be announced next Friday!
the time when…he went to a work training session with my thong stuck to the back of his fleece sweater..static cling probs…
The time when we were dating and he proudly showed me his two closets, both with clothes on the floor of them, but one closet was clean and one closet was dirty.
Early on in our marriage, my husband woke up and walked to the front of our apartment. I didn’t know what was going on, so I followed him. I watched him open the front closet, open the tool box, and pee in it.
Startled, I asked him what the hell he was doing and it was then that the finally really woke up, and he started laughing hysterically, as did I.
And yes, I made him clean it all up.
The time when we were first becoming foster parents and I called him to let him know they had approved our license (he was driving home from the Governor’s Hurricane Conference in 80 MPH traffic) he got so panicked at the thought that we would actually become parents that he almost crashed his car. Then, about six days later I called him while he was at work and asked him to do me a favor – when he asked what the favor was, I replied “run to the store and get some newborn diapers – we’re getting a baby today in about two hours.” He went to the store so freaked out and confused that he just slid his hand behind the boxes of stuff and brought home fifteen kinds of diapers, four or five kinds of butt paste, and multiple types of other items too because he didn’t know what else to do. A day later when our new baby girl got the hiccups for the first time he wanted to have her life flighted to the hospital because he thought she was in distress. Now let me preface all of this by telling you he is literally a rocket scientist… like literally. Has degrees in mathematics and aerospace engineering, holds a JD from one of the top law schools in the country and is one paper away from being a PhD in Urban Planning. He’s a smart cookie… just not so smooth when it comes to the kid stuff! 🙂
My husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon. During the trip, we went up a mountain peak and I collected genuine Alaskan snow in a water bottle to take home as a souvenir. We went back to the ship and the next morning my snow was gone.
My husband DRANK IT.
Holy cow, this made me shoot a snot booger out!!! Awesomely funny!
the time i was 4 months pregnant and volunteered to leave his brothers wedding reception and watch our nephew (son of the bride and groom who failed to hire a sitter for an 18 month old). i even had to skip the dinner portion, and then my husband didn’t come (or call) to check on me after the reception (see if i needed food or anything), nor did he even bring me a piece of cake! but instead went out with the rest of the guests drinking. yes, i promptly called him at the bar at 1am and demanded he find something for me to eat as i was starving and come back to our hotel.
The time he woke me up at 4am by doing a dramatic face plant off of the bed onto our hardwood floors knocking the night stand over and busting his nose and mouth in the process. He was in the floor unconscious when I got to him. When I finally got him to answer my question “what are you doing?!” He responded “oh I just fell out of bed.” Turns out it wasn’t just falling out of bed…it was a sezuire. But, I’ll never forget how calm he was telling me he just fell. Our room looked like a battle scene.
Or, the time he brought our 1st born newborn to me while I was taking a shower because he needed a diaper. I was so mad, but to his defense he never changed a diaper in his life. Lol.
The time when he let me pop his massive nose zit and pulled out an ingrown hair that poked through the other side. Best…day…ever. He knows what I like.
This is great. My husband is not a rocket scientist, but he reacts the same way. When it doubt, buy in bulk.
Oh my, don’t even start me on buying in bulk… we have three kids, two of whom are still in diapers. He’s gone out an bought 10 boxes of jumbo size pampers in every size they conceivably can get into for the next two years. Never mind that one of them is about ready to potty train and the other one will be right behind her!!! Then we’ll be stuck with 45 boxed of 144 diapers!!! Sigh. Smart men and the dumb things they do!
The time he asked me to cut his hair, and the length thing popped off the razor so I shaved a big bald square in the top of his head and he had to go to work as a high school teacher looking like that.
The time when, at age 23, my husband realized he was circumcised. Not having any experience with anyone else’s…member, he had no idea what an “uncut” one actually looked like. He had just assumed, his whole life, that he was the proud owner of a foreskin. Somehow, I ended up being the one to inform him. It took him days to get over the loss of what he never knew he had been missing…
The time I had to go to the hospital quickly with the birth of our 3rd child, I forgot my bag. So when the day came that I could go home I sent him out to buy me underwear, he came back with a beautiful little lacy number! How perfect with my big fat pad!! (not)
The time we were on vacation together and he nearly ran a woman over because Hooters had given him the poops and he was rushing back to our rental for “home turf”.
The time when my husband told me on our honeymoon that his greatest regret in life was not kissing my best friend.
The time before we were married when I came down with stomach flu, and he was staying the night to take care of me. I asked him around 2am to get me some ice chips. He went all the way downstairs to get them, and brought them back up to me…in his cupped HANDS. I didn’t know what to do with them so I took them and shoved them all in my mouth. He’s always so discombobulated if abruptly woken up.
The time when we were dating and he left his briefs at my house…being a good girlfriend I went to wash them and found SKID MARKS…he blamed it on playing soccer
My husband has a real instant gratification complex. He just wants things done when he wants them done. He often has me cut his hair for him with the electric clippers because he is too hot and can’t wait until he can actually go to a hair dresser.
Anyways, I often refuse to do it because he’s a giant baby and he gets all mad if I so much as pull one hair. On this particular occasion I wasn’t having it and I told him to shut up or cut his own damn hair. He said(screamed) “Fine!” and proceeded to bare razor a giant stripe up the back of his head. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I made him beg and plead for an hour before I relented and helped him fix it. I think he had to do poopy diaper duty for weeks and dishes for longer. Although, the best part of the punishment may have been that I made him let me take pictures for facebook first…
We were dating; long distance so we spent a lot of time on the phone. During these long conversations he would occasionally pass gas (and I would simply ignore). Several months in he let loose a particularly musical number that, needless to say, was impossible to ignore due to my uncontrollable fits of laughter. I could feel his embarrassment through the phone as he realized I heard and had probably heard every other time too (and I confirmed for him). Fourteen years later and he still attempts to never pass gas in my presence.
The first time I visited his home town, he took me to the diary farm he worked at all through high school, and proceeded to jump me in the hay loft. No big deal, I’m up for some spontaneous fun. But then he introduced me to his mother 20 minutes later. I still had hay stuck in my hair.
Too bad you couldnt contribute, that bedroom story was hilarious! Mine: The time when he complained about a pain in his right side, thinking it was a kidney stone acting up. Doc gave him the bad news – his kidney stone is on his LEFT side; he was actually constipated.
the time when…
John, in an effort to keep the divorce amicable and moving forward, agreed to divide the rooms of furniture in half, instead of choosing a room full of furniture for each of them.
Sooo…we had a beautiful entertainment center but no coffee table or end tables to match it. We had a dining room table but no china cabinet and a really lovely dresser and one night table but no bed (or 2nd night table)
I felt like we had divided the children and there was a small lonely end table somewhere wondering what the hell had happened to his twin. 😉
The time when he sat on our brand new comforter and left skid marks on it!
The time he called my dad to ask his blessing to marry me, and my dad hung up on him.
(true story that I wanted to write about for the Be Alone book – but Hubs wouldn’t let me)
The time when… We were just starting to go out and were talking about our teen crushes. He loved this teen pop singer from a famous 80s group (here in Mexico) and was and has always been his crush. I said, “well she isn’t the most good looking of the girls in the group”, and he said, “well I’ve never liked good looking girls”… gee thanks!!… I get that what he was trying to say is that looks don’t matter, but boy, was that a line to remember… 11 years after I still tease him about it
the time when my drunk husband threw up all over our brand new pottery barn sheets. (that we had just received as a wedding gift). BTW the puke smelled like beer and hot dogs, but looked like pop corn. What an awesome 4 month anniversary gift.
The time when we were first dating and we went to Hastings to rent movies to watch together. I came back to the register with Red Dawn and he was holding Pride and Prejudice. Think he was just trying to be cute and romantic? He knew every single line of the movie.
OR the time when I came home early from work to find him in the living room dancing and singing along to a Kelly Clarkson cd at the top of his lungs. When I asked who the hell he was listening to he responded, “Oh my god, you don’t know?! She’s like the best! Here! Listen to this next song!…”
I married a girl with a penis and a lumberjack beard but I love it. 😀
The time when we were on our honeymoon in Panama. We’re staying in this gorgeous little over-water bungalow, with our own private swimming area, and my new husband is hanging onto the ladder, half in the water, with a weird smile on your face. “What are you doing?” “I’m pooping.” His explanation? Apparently, the water in Panama off of our PRIVATE HONEYMOON BUNGALOW was the same temperature as his body, and it was almost physically impossible to resist pooping. In the water. Off of our private bungalow. On our honeymoon.
I wish! My husband’s greatest joy is farting in front of me trying to make me laugh.
The time when I gave birth to our older son and my husband was so overwhelmed (and on the verge of passing out) that he forgot to tell me whether the baby was a boy or girl. After seeing the look on my husband’s face, the midwife had to speak up and tell me it was a boy! I had just given birth to a 8 lb 10 oz baby, but there I was asking my husband if HE was okay, ordering him to sit down before he fainted and asking the nurses to get him juice. But: he was an amazing labor coach, so I guess he earned it.
This is kind of a long story, but my husband and I were on our honeymoon, and he hates crowds and I don’t like small spaces. Nothing happened because the hotel he and I stayed at had itty bitty rooms, and an old lurch-your-stomach elevator (he gets motion sick). He elbowed me in the face when we were sleeping because the bed was on a slant, we couldn’t find anywhere to eat nearby that wasn’t crazy expensive, and saw all the sites in one day. We finally gave up and went home to finish our honeymoon after getting lost and driving around the same section of town for 2 hours, and only after the 7th time of taking the same series of turns did we find a route that wasn’t a one way only right turn. Talk about a crapshoot!
The time when my husband and I were flying into Washington DC and the announcement had already been made that we were close enough that no one was allowed out of their seats until we landed. MY hubby chose that moment to toss his soda in my lap. it was COLD and WET and I jumped up. The attendants scrambled to get me to sit back down. Ultimately, they brought me a towel and had to replace my seat cushion, while I crouched to avoid being arrested for standing up. He will NEVER live that one down. (Loved getting off the plane with soaked pants, too.)
There was the time when I finally met my husband’s (then boyfriend’s) parents. We had been dating for more than 6 months or so. I was feeling insecure…maybe he felt like they wouldn’t like me or maybe he wasn’t sure if he was serious enough about being with me to introduce me to his parents. They knew he was dating someone but he was apparently keeping all the “details” about me top secret from them. Turns out he was just super embarrassed to tell his parents my name was Buffy so he kept putting the introduction off. A Southern Jew named Buffy. He was sure they wouldn’t buy it. 10 years later, we’re married and I can count the times he’s actually called me by name. To him, he’s more comfortable with “babe.”
Or there is the time when we had been dating for awhile and I was in a car accident. I was ok but very shaken up. I decided it was time to tell him how I felt about him. We sat down and I looked him in the eye and every sincerely that I was in love with him. he was quiet and then finally spoke: “I know” was all he said and then turned on the Yankees game.
The time when it turned out my husband was the slutty pumpkin.
The when when my husband and I were out buying couches and he swore that if we got BOTH couches at 30% off we would be getting such a deal! That deal being 60% off….No. That is not how math works. He continued to argue his point with the sales clerk and my brother and sister in law. His math skills are not one of the many reasons I married him.
O M G. You got a double for the price of one. I’m jealous.
The time when I was up in the middle of the night with our first newborn rocking him back to sleep and my husband almost fell out of the bed. He started talking in his sleep while rocking his arms back and forth, then woke up with a start as he almost fell on the ground. I asked him what happened and he seriously thought that he had just dropped the baby on the floor. I had to explain to him at least two times that what he thought happened was impossible because I was, in fact holding the baby.
Our seven year old sleep walks and pees in random places.
I’m substituting husband for boyfriend because my boyfriend has yet to get the hint to propose after 5 years and a child together…
The time when my boyfriend and I were having sexy time (and I started my period in the midst of it) on top of a white duvet insert and he showed it off to his brothers like it was some sort of trophy… when it actually looked like he committed a murder.
There was also the time when my boyfriend (a different boyfriend) was trying to show off his punching “skills” and accidentally decked me in the jaw. My head flung back and I almost fell to the floor. Needless to say, there was a lot of gift giving over the next few weeks.
The time when my husband set up an elaborate “scam-baiting” operation where he would foil and waste the time of those ‘Nigerian princes’ who email unsuspecting victims–during the same first weeks that our daughter (first child) was born. It’s funny NOW. But not then.
This story was highlighted on our local public radio station: http://www2.kuow.org/program.php?id=24509
My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had only been living together for a few months. One night we were getting ready for bed and my husband was wearing a looser than normal pair of boxer briefs. He was just leaning over the dresser to look in the attached mirror and his manly part snuck out and got pinched in the top drawer of the dresser. The sound that erupted from his mouth was like nothing I could recreate. Once he opened the drawer and freed himself he took off running for the kitchen and immediately started chugging Crown Royal. I was dying laughing so hard tears were running down my face. I couldn’t even form coherent words to make sure he was ok. He survived the ordeal but was black and blue down there for months.
I have nothing to add for publication… but I did just buy the book 😉 (I used to help write the women-tell-all sex column for Stuff magazine when I worked there, and my husband always says he’s so glad he met me after!)
Oh my god! I would have killed him! Your husband, my husband, whoever!
Where were his pants???
Background for context: I’m Asian-American and my ethnicity is full on Chinese on both sides.
The time when my British husband told his parents that he was dating an American and that she was Asian “looking”.
The time, while we were dating, that my husband told me he never washed a pot after cooking pasta in it or a knife after using it to slice bread because bread and pasta are “inherently clean.”
There was the time when we were young and had no kids and took a ski trip to Switzerland. He decided to go down the other side of the mountain, alone, into France. And then the lifts closed for the night. He had no passport, no cash, no drivers license…only his lift ticket and a credit card. He finally made it back to us, 4 hours and a $600 cab ride later.
Or maybe the time(s) my husband described our daughter’s birth — a relatively easy one after a challenging labor and c-section with our son — as “it was like she came out on a slip-n-slide!”, as if there hadn’t been any effort on my part (I assure you, there was).
The time when my husband was playing with his EpiPen, trying to figure out how it worked (luckily he’s never had to actually use it in an emergency), and accidentally stabbed himself in the thumb with it. The adrenaline in such a concentrated area of the body caused his whole finger to go numb and I had to drive him to the emergency room to make sure “it wouldn’t fall off.” Spoiler alert: his thumb is fine.
The time when I was late for work so I asked my husband to get the baby ready to bring to his parents house..and he changes her diaper and puts her in her car seat…I picked the car seat up and pee leaked out of it all over the floor and couch. He took her old diaper off but never put a new one on! (My husband is NOT a morning person and apparently I “rushed” him)
How about “The time when my husband gave me a five-minute instructional speech about why our daughters’ beloved brand-new fancy swirly-straw cups could NOT go in the dishwasher lest they be ruined, then that same evening admitted to putting them in the dishwasher anyway, ruining the beloved brand-new fancy swirly-straw cups beyond repair, and sending me on a renegade after-bedtime run to Target to replace them before the girls noticed”? Oh, wait, that was LAST NIGHT.
Somehow it seems much more appropriate when they are 7. LOL!
Both being virgins when we wed, my husband and I went through a book about sex during our pre-marital counseling sessions; one chapter of the book had recommendations on what NOT to do that “first night”. My husband and I got a good laugh over one such recommendation : “Men, you may be proud of your size/girth/abilities, but chances are your virgin bride will be nervous and not as enraptured at looking at your penis. Do not proudly walk around the room naked and proceed to shake your manhood in her direction as it may frighten her a little.” (paraphrased) Now, this entry was written a little tongue in cheek, but we laughed like crazy over it. So what does my husband do, he likes to shake his manhood in my direction almost every time we have sex! It is still just as funny as ever!
This has my husband written ALLLLLL over it!
When my husband and I were first married I worked during the day and was taking nursing classes at night. I called him from work and told him to take out chicken to defrost for our dinner that night. I get home and I’m rushing to get to class, but I cant find my Anatomy and Physiology notes anywhere. I’m searching and searching until I notice that there’s a chicken defrosting on top of them. 4 months of detailed notes covered in water and chicken juice. I can laugh about it now, but back then I was pissed!
O M G!!!
The time my husband proposed to me. I was in pajamas, had not showered, and had no make up. He was wearing ratty jeans covered in paint with holes in them and a Bass Pro shop t shirt. He got down on a knee, infront of my parents, and proposed with these exact words…..”it’s been a long road (awkward pause)will you marry me?”
Or…the first time I told my husband I was pregnant. He was about to leave town for business and I told him I thought I was pregnant. He immediately said I had to wait until he came home in 6 days to do a test. Yeah right. Like that was going to happen. I took two test the next morning that were both positive well before the three minutes were up. He called me on his lunch and I told him I was pregnant. He was pretty quiet, asked me if I was sure, and basically got off the phone. He called about an hour later saying he thought he was having a heart attack and was headed yo the hospital. After three houts at the Vanderbilt ER it wad confirmed he was having a severe panic attack. We had only been married for two and a half months and my mom had died about three weeks prior to this. He just couldn’t handle it all. The best part…..we found out two weeks later it was twins
How about the time…My husband who is a submariner was packing his sea-bag to take down to the boat. He was unpacking in his rack with another dude. When out of my husbands bag falls a pair of our daughters tiny Hello Kitty underwear. They both just freeze and stare at it. My husband picks up the underwear and shoves it back in his bag. The other sailor says, Man I really hope you have kids.
Also, the time my 1st daughter was born via csection after a 20 hour labor and my dr said its normal for her head to have a slight bump on it because of the labor and my husband said completely serious “Thats ok, we will just name her Gumby.” The dr looked taken back until my husband reassured her that we would not in fact be naming our 1st born child Gumby.
The time when we were first married and he started talking in his sleep… I was half asleep and started tapping him telling him to shut up. And then he sat boot upright yelling. I thought some one was in our room and started screaming. He woke up and looked at me like I was the crazy one.
I got up to get a drink of water and he followed me… which I didn’t realize until he gently touched my elbow. I jumped out of my skin again and punched him. I learned after that might to hit him hard if he starts to talk in his sleep, because he will eventually actually yell… And gentle tapping won’t work.
Oh, I almost forgot! The time when, while we were dating, he stood up after dinner with his entire family and made a beautiful speech about how happy he was to have me in his life, and how his life was really changing for the better now that he had me in it. Except instead of saying my name, he kept saying his ex-wife’s name.
You should have seen his brother-in-law waving his arms frantically in the air trying to get Jimmy to STOP! NOW!! …It’s okay. That blunder gave me ammo for yeeeaars. 🙂
The time when we were dating and he tried to sneak up on me in the dark on his hands and knees, not yet knowing about my lightning fast reflexes.
He said “Boo” and before he knew it, both of his eyesockets hat been jabbed by my fingertips.
I nearly blinded him.
He never tried scaring me again.
The time when I was about 32 weeks pregnant with our second child and near tears because I felt like I had zero nice outfits to wear because I was so huge and he responded “well honey, you are pregnant not a super model.” I had to stop laughing before I could yell at him. He then pleaded with me to keep that to myself and would I pretty please not tell my mom and sisters what he said. I laughed even harder and then promptly called my sisters, my mom, and pretty much every female I’ve ever met.
That time when…. my husband went all Flowers in the Attic on me while I was pregnant:
My husband WANTED to trust my instincts and my ability to care for our baby while in the womb, but it was hard for him. Early on, it started with Walter’s pregnancy rules. No more high impact classes at the gym after 20 weeks- walking and prenatal yoga it was. Then, I wasn’t allow to take out or go near trash. Or animals. Or go bowling (and to clarify, not because of the physical activity part, but the potential germs in the shoes). The obscure rules kept mounting, and if it weren’t for basketball season distractions beginning in October, you would not be reading this right now as the bubble I would be living in would prevent me from typing.
The rules came from a good place. He wanted to protect me and the baby. He was uncomfortable knowing how much was truly out of our control. But for what he knew he was incapable of doing, he relied on prenatal vitamins to do for him. He acted as if those tiny little capsules were the pregnancy equivalent of Super Mario invincibility stars.
A few examples:
Me: My heartburn is out of control today.
Walter: You forgot to take a vitamin this weekend. What did you think would happen?
Me, fighting through tears: I am just a little emotional today. The reality of this baby coming is really mounting. I’m scared of labor.
Walter: I noticed your vitamins are getting low, you aren’t rationing are you?
Me: I almost got hit crossing the road today.
Walter, triumphantly: BUT you took your vitamin, didn’t you!
Me: I think I’m feeling Braxton Hicks. It feels like period cramps.
Walter: Don’t take this the wrong way, but you didn’t stop taking your vitamins or anything, did you?
It was only after the baby was born and he dropped his obsessive concern for me like a 4 year old dropping their favorite baby doll after seeing the Anna and Kristoff super pack on the Target shelf. Now our daughter can deal with it for all eternity.
Or how about:
The time when his back went out and he was referred to an “Alternative Medicine Specialist/Chiropractor” out in the boonies.
He had never been to a chiropractor, therefore, didn’t know the drill.
When he returned he was VERY quiet until he asked me if chiropractors ALWAYS asked you to strip down and bend over.
Turns out he had gone, without knowing, to a gay “specialist” who had called his partner in to the room for “assistance” as they had watched my husband do toe touches before his adjustment, which they also did together.
On the up-side, his back WAS much better.
That time when….I come home to find my husband, who refuses to see a doctor…ever, in the bathroom furiously wrapping his man parts in toilet paper because he decided to play surgeon and cut off a skin tag on his penis BY HIMSELF with a KITCHEN KNIFE.
When he broke out in hives every evening for 2 weeks out of nowhere. I threw away blankets, pillows, every live plant in the apartment, and steam cleaned the couch at 3 am. Nothing. Turns out he was ring shopping every day after work, then coming home so nervous and worked up he would break out in hives. Of course they stopped when he proposed to my complete surprise 2 weeks later.
Ohhh I got another one! This one’s about my ex husband though.
The time when I was in labor with our first child. The anesthesiologist was getting set up to get me an epidural. The nurse told my husband to stand in front of me and hold me. So I’m sitting up leaning against him about to get giant needle inserted into ME when he sees the needle. Starts swaying and faints. The nurse had to catch him and another nurse had to stand in his place. Then after already being in labor in the hospital for 8 hours he has breakfast sent up from the cafeteria and eats it right in front of me. I was starving and trying to bring his first born child into the world. He did better the second time around.
i have another, the time before we got married that he decided to chug tequila at a party, and i made him sleep in the guest room and said ‘here’s a trash can right by the bed’ and left, only to hear him minutes later running down the hallway with his hand over his mouth while puke came out the sides and went everywhere.
The time when right after I gave birth to our first baby my mother tells me what a beautiful baby we made and my husband says “Well, I did all the work”. To my mother.
I…totally agree with your husband. I mean, I wash those things *eventually*…
The time that my husband was holding our precious newborn baby girl on Christmas day while I was recording the bonding moment and she barfs in his mouth while I capture it all on camera. He was covered in puke but she was clean as can be. She was good like that as a baby! The sad part of the story, the day after Thanksgiving the next year, my computer crashed and took all my videos and pictures with it….but it can’t take it out of my memory.
That time when shortly after we brought our first born home from the hospital and both were pretty sleep deprived..he reached over to the nightstand in the dark and grabbed what he THOUGHT was A & D ointment to put on his chapped lips and grabbed the tube of Desiten instead. I’m not sure what was more funny…his glow in the dark lips…or the wtf are you laughing at look he gave me. I still chuckle when I think about it and that was 37 years ago!
How about the time my boyfriend was so drunk at a family barbeque, that he let his brother light roman candles out of his ass-crack?
The time when my husband and I were in the middle of sexy shower time foreplay and, while handling himself and without realizing it, he starts humming the tune to Chloe’s Closet. Right before sealing the deal. We both started laughing so hard when we realized what tune it was, sexy time was over. And our daughter wonders why we find Chloe’s Closet so hilarious now. Talk about an ear worm!
The time when my husband came home after the birth of our first child. Our mothers were both there and I stayed at the hospital with our son who had jaundice. Moms noticed my husband frantically searching for some thing and when they asked him what was wrong vibe said “I can’t find the baby’s shoes. How is he going to walk home without shoes?”vmhe They laughed so hard!
The time when…my husband and I had only been dating a few months way back in high school. We were both in the marching band (he played trombone and I was in color guard) which is where we met. During one practice, I and my guard gal-pals were standing on the practice field sideline, the band was mid-routine and my husband ended up, during a pause, right in the front only a few feet from where I was standing.
Well, of course I caught his eye and started giving him those smoldering come-hither looks and he got so caught up in what was going on between the two of us that when the whole band started marching backward he didn’t notice at all. He was left there standing all alone still staring at me while the whole rest of the band kept doing the routine. He only noticed when I and the rest of the color guard started giggling hysterically.
One of my favorite early dating memories!
I actually know someone who did the same thing! I
The time when my husband lost me at the beach on our honeymoon and walked back to the hotel. No towels, no shirt, no keys. No id. He got the desk clerk to give him another door key and went to our room to wait for me. He flipped on the tv and got sucked into the OJ trial (we were married in ’95).
Mean while, I’m on the beach building a heart shaped sand castle. Getting burned.
THREE HOURS LATER I manage to convince a family on vacation that my new husband–who would never just LEAVE ME on the beach–has been eaten by sharks. They get me to maybe check the room before I alert the Coast Guard. Just in case.
I return to the room, fried to a crisp, and find him watching the freakin’ OJ trial.
It took three days before I could wear shoes again and I spent most of our honeymoon buck naked in the room with my hubby spritzing me with Solarcaine. It was not a good kind of naked.
I hate freakin’ OJ.
How about one more?
That time when he took off without me on a TANDEM BIKE. My husband had to teach me how to ride a bike–I never learned as a kid–so we started riding bike paths with an old ’64 Schwinn Twin steel frame bike. Heavy as hell and only 5 gears. He always complained that I didn’t peddle enough. (This is important to know for later.)
Since I was still fearful of the bike, I liked to get off and walk across this one bridge that only had a tiny little bike path on it. I felt safer on foot.
So I get off, and he peddles across the bridge and waits for me on the other side. I caught up with him and fidgeted with the seat, stepped on the bike and stepped off because the seat was all wrong and I wanted to change something.
He thinks I’ve gotten ON the bike and TAKES OFF. Naturally, I assume he’s just kidding with me and laugh. But he doesn’t turn around. Ever.
So now I’m walking back to the car, completely pissed.
Meanwhile, he’s peddling away, talking to me and thinking I’ve finally learned to peddle my weight. After 10-15 minutes he wonders why I’m not talking back, looks over his shoulder and I’M GONE.
He’s gone a mile or two by this point, so he doesn’t even see me. He turned around and started peddling back like hell, checking all the ditches along the way because he’s convinced I’ve fallen off the bike.
The time he was so drunk he “got lost” three times on his way to the bathroom and ended up puking in our closet instead!
The time when my husband made ME call the pediatrician’s nurse on call after our 9 month old son bumped his head one evening. You know, to find out if we needed to take him in to the ER. My husband is an ER physician.
Or the time he panicked at the top of a very tall roller coaster (“Get me off this thing!”)
The time my husband cried when the Celtics lost the championship or the time I ran out of Palmer’s Cocoa Butter during my pregnancy because my husband liked the way it smelled and decided to use it as his body lotion because who cares if I got stretch marks
The time my newlywed husband and I were getting intimate in our darkened bedroom, and her reached for the KY. After liberally applying it to himself, it took about 15 seconds for him to realize that he had not, in fact, grabbed the KY, but had found the Icy Hot instead. Talk about a mood killer… I have never tried so hard in my life to not laugh and it’s one of two times I have ever seen him cry in our 15 years together.
The time I reminded my husband of something awesome we did in bed once and he did not remember. Not just didn’t remember, either – shook his head back and forth, emphatically denied it had ever happened. I would’ve believed him except I was there.
Well, we WERE getting ready for some fun… Which did NOT happen when I looked down and saw that.
the time when it was Valentine’s day and my husband forgot to get me anything so he quickly ran to our local pharmacy bought me a card and ran home and gave it to me, EXCEPT, the card said, “To my beautiful mom”, so he CROSSED OUT mom, and wrote underneath it “wife”. I felt so loved.
The time my husband took our daughter out with no shoes on…
Lucie: Dad, I have on Nun shoes.
Husband: Yes, Dear. That’s nice.
Lucie: Is it okay if I wear Nun shoes.
Husband: I guess so, if you like them.
Lucie: Yup. Them’s comfy.
…Later in the parking lot…
Husband: Oh! You have on NONE shoes…. Come here, I guess I have to carry you.
When I went in to labor with our first child I was very, VERY sick. It was 4 weeks before my due date and I was in total denial that our son was coming that day. My husband was running up and down the hallway packing stuff for the hospital. I couldn’t get off the toilet and realized I was going to throw up. I yelled at him to bring me something to throw up in. He ran down the hallway again, to the kitchen, and came back with a salad bowl. I looked up at him and, in all my You’re-going-to-have-a-baby-in-less-than-an-hour-and-you-don’t-know-it awesomeness I yelled, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! A SALAD BOWL?!?! have you EVER seen someone throw up in a SALAD BOWL?!?!
The time when I told my husband I was about to jump off a bridge and he said to make sure it was high enough. Because it would really suck if I just broke my arm and leg or something…he thinks he is funny…
I asked him to get me tampons and he got super plus, he had no clue what to get!
the time when my first son was born, he was standing up by my shoulder, holding my hand, telling me i was doing a good job, etc. when my son entered the world, a gush of fluid (water and other, etc) came out too. somehow (to this day we still are not sure how or why), all the fluid ricochet’ed off the OB on showered my husbandr. his shirt and pants were drenched and he was stuck in those clothes for a few hours.
somehow we didn’t think to bring a change of clothes for him!
…The time my husband was not acting like himself. He was grumpy and when I finally got him to tell me what was wrong, he got very serious and said, “I think I have hemorrhoids.” He had convinced himself that he was dying and would have to go to the ER for a rectal exam. Luckily, I refrained from laughing and went to get the tube of preparation H from my purse. (I had just delivered our firstborn about three weeks prior and I knew all about the joys of hemorrhoids from my 18.5 hours of labor and over 2 hours of pushing which ended in an emergency c-section.) BUT THEN – he started telling me how much pain HE was in and how he couldn’t possibly do things like bathe the baby because it “just hurts too much to sit…” What?!?! There is NO WAY a hemorrhoid trumps a c-section. No freakin’ way! Men are such babies!!!
The time when I left the kitchen faucet running so my hubby thought I was still washing dishes. Instead, I snuck up behind him while he was brushing his teeth. After spooking him, hubby turned into a faucet face and sprayed toothpaste all over the bathroom sink.
That time when he fell asleep on the toilet at my parent’s house after a night of partying. This was after falling asleep on the toilet at the bar, and barfing down the side of my car on the drive home.
It was very early in our relationship (I was still living with my parents during college) it’s a good thing I really liked him!
The time when he put the baby to bed on the changing table.
Oh there’s also the time when we were playing the wii and he decided to just play from his seat and ended up hitting me right in the nose with the controller.
The time when he proposed and I missed it. We were engaged for a week and I didn’t even know it. He had just graduated from military basic training. while there he give his parents and I a tour of his dorm room and then handed us items from his locker that we wanted us to take back home. He handed me a clunky Air Force ring. A week later we on the phone and he was talking about his day and how he was telling his buddies about his fiance. I responded with who.. Your what? He said well I gave you that ring and I was on one knee when I did. I was like, well you didn’t really ask and well you were handing thing to your parent on one knee too.
Sometimes the hands are all they’ve got, I guess. Once, on New Year’s Eve, I thought it might be bad luck not to finish my toasting drink. All we had to toast with was some cheap rice wine. I tried to down it quickly-it came back up. And the dear boy comes running over trying to catch the regurgitated wine barehanded…At least they tried, right?