Giveaway: Three $50 Amazon Gift Cards
When a bunch of humor bloggers got together to write “I Just Want to Pee Alone
I swore, if the same people ever got together to write Part Deux, I would not let the opportunity pass me by again.
Well, the opportunity arose, and I’m embarrassed to say, I didn’t take it.
I blame my husband.
This week, “I Just Want to Be Alone
Well, I probably could have written a story, but I felt compelled to clear the topic with my husband and he veteoed every single one of them.
“How about the time you moved into my apartment and set up your exact bedroom from your old apartment in the spare room next to my bedroom?”
“Eh.”
“What about the time I rejected your marriage proposal and made you do it over again later that same day?”
“Does that really have to be in a book?”
“How about the time you got stung by a sea urchin on vacation?
“That’s wasn’t funny.”
“I know! What about your unironic Tony Danza crush???!!!”
“Say what you will but the man has more talent in his pinkie toe than you have in your entire body!!!!”
“I’ve got it. I’ll write about the time Mazzy made a very unfortunate appearance in our bed while we—”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
And there you have it. I had nothing.
Tons of my blogger friends did have something to write though and I’ve spent the past few days reading essays like the time Karen Alpert (Baby Sideburns) found out her husband shit himself when he first met her mother.
Or the time Rebecca Gallagher (Frugalista Blog) put her husband on bedtime duty and he put their baby to bed without a diaper.
Or the time Allison Hart (Motherhood WTF?!) almost killed her husband for talking in his sleep.
Or the time Suzanne Fleet (Toulouse & Tonic) gave her husband highlights that resembled a Calico cat.
Or the time Nicole Leigh Shaw’s husband (Ninja Mom Blog) refused to cut their baby’s umbilical cord.
Or the time Kim Fordeville (The Fordeville Diaries) rejoiced when her skinny husband gained ten pounds and had to go on a diet.
Or the time Kim Bongiorno’s husband (Let Me Start By Saying) made her drag a pillowcase full of his travel souvenirs all around Paris.
Or the time Nicole Knepper (Moms Who Drink and Swear) bet her husband a blowjob they were not out of mayonnaise.
Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat is the blogger who puts these essay collections together and I could not be more in awe of her motivation and publishing abilities. I’m impressed with every writer in the book that they find time to write both books and blogs. I’m even more impressed they are still with their husbands after some of the stuff they shared.
I mean, Karen Alpert’s husband took eight years to tell her the shit story and the second he did, she had it published.
That, my friends, is a strong marriage.
You can support some “super cool lady writers” and laugh your ass off at their relationship foibles by buying their book here
Here’s a fun game! If you had to write a funny a story about your husband, what would the topic be? “The time when…”
I’m giving out three $50 Amazon gift cards to my three favorite answers.
Winners will be announced next Friday!
My husband was stationed in San Diego when we got married. We got engaged at the San Diego Zoo’s sea lion exhibit. We were married on the boardwalk of the Hotel Del Coronado. It was all very sweet and romantic. Then we went to Sea World while honeymooning. Of course if you go there you have to see the whales. So the bleachers are sectioned off… Soak Zone, Splash Zone, and You’re still going to get wet. We had already been there for hours and I was exhausted not to mention 5 months pregnant. I was far too lazy to climb to the very top of the bleachers so we sat in the soak zone (me thinking we won’t get THAT wet). After the first big wave I was drenched. My new husband was holding me, which I thought was super sweet. As we left I noticed he wasn’t half as wet as I was. I asked him how he managed to stay so dry to which he replied, ” Easy. I just hid behind you when the waves came.”
I think I’m in love with you.
The time my husband told me that our son’s very hungry caterpillar stacking toy made him feel insecure about his manhood so we should get rid of it! To be fair, it is very well-endowed. But that didn’t stop me from telling the story to my mom years later and now I can’t see anything with that caterpillar on it that doesn’t make me think of this!
The day my water broke at work and my husband asked me if he needed to come with me (we were at work).
Then when we stopped at home to grab some things he didn’t take anything. He thought once I was checked in he could run home at get situated.
The time when my husband came down from a long shower to find a screaming newborn and toddler freaking out to find the Elf on the Shelf (when it was March). He told me “Go take a bath, you deserve it” (I am glad I deserve to be clean). When I finally get upstairs in the shower, I realize he used all the hot water. Thanks honey.
The time we went to a New Year’s Eve party and hubby was the drunkest one there. By 10pm he had passes out literally at the base of the toilet. So each one of us took turns taking funny pics with him. There may have been a few inappropriate ones hahah!
The time when he stood directly in front of me, stepped from the tile of the bathroom onto our bedroom carpet, horked a loogie onto our carpet, and rubbed it in with his foot.
Me:……did you just…….
Hubby: um……no.
The time when we were in San Diego with our 2 year old and 5 month old baby, in the middle of a mall parking lot, and he left the keys on top of the roof of the car! We came back after two hours, some of which was spent trying to find the keys, and he asked me why I was so mad since he found the keys and the car was still there.
When I was pregant with my 1st I didnt get many pregnancy cravings but my husband sure did. He had gained 15 lbs by the middle of my 2nd trimester! One night he crawled into bed, woke me up and asked if I too were craving peach cobbler. I replied that the only thing I was craving was sleep and told him to go by some cobbler for himself. He returned an hour later only to wake me with a bag of fresh peaches! And oufcourse…. smelling them made me then crave this silly cobbler which I woke up and baked (from scratch) at 2am!
The day before my scheduled c-section with baby #2, I was finishing packing up my elementary school classroom in preparation from my year long maternity leave. I had reminded my husband about 5 million times to bring the tubs I needed to finish packing when he met me there. When he finally showed up, over 45 minutes late – NO TUBS! I was so mad! So I made him go home to get them, which should have taken 20min tops. An hour and a half later, I call him because I am beyond mad, and he and his mother are shopping for flower pots. (Which she not-so-endearingly calls ‘flowies’) I was so hormonal and so emotional, I just cried! And then wanted to murder him… and then cried some more… 😉
The time we drove all around a Mexican city so he could bring his best friend a torta. (We live in Seattle).
This was at my suggestion- because last time his best friend drove across the state he brought my husband a torta. They have a thing for Mexican food left out of the refrigerator for 4-10 hours.
Or the time we moved in together and had international house guests the same week- whom he forgot were coming.
Or the time he spontaneously decided to buy a dog.