Star Magazine has outdone themselves this week and instead of saying "Guess Who???" over a picture of some poor celebrity's flabby ass, they've decided to grade celebrity moms report-card style in an article entitled "Best & Worst Moms!"
I'm sure their editors are busy clearing space on the company mantle for their pulitzer as I write this.
There are so many things wrong with this premise I can't even begin, except to say, it made me buy the stupid magazine. Goddamnit, Star Magazine!
The most shocking thing about the article is that Angie is awarded an A+ and "Mother of the Year" for her double masectomy ("I can tell the children that they don't need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer") and Reese Witherspoon gets a D+ since disrepecting authority sets a bad example for her kids.
It's like 2013 is Celebrity Mom Twilight Zone!
Katie Holmes gets a predictible C- for taking Suri to dinner at midnight (family insiders say Suri's tantrums are because she's "so tired") and January Jones gets a surprising B+ for her eating her own placenta ("outside-the-box thinking shows initiative!").
Wouldn't it be great if we could give Star editors an F at life for writing such CRAPTASTIC content?
Joining Reese Witherspoon is Gwyneth Paltrow with a D for refusing to feed her kids carbohydrates. Of course, now I'm wondering if Gwyneth can come over to babysit because if 'you are what you eat', Gwynnie might be the only thing that can stop Mazzy from turning into a bagel. Although, Mazzy would probably just say, "Ok, fine, then I'm not eating anything" and Gwyneth would say, "I'm so proud of you, Mazzy— that's FANTASTIC!"
Halle Berry gets a C- for trying to turn her daughter against her father and Brandi Glanville (a person that does not exist in my celebrity rolodex) gets an A for hiring a great publicist to weasel her way into this article. Or because she won't say anything negative about ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. Except, you know, to magazines which are all readily available.
I know what you're thinking… How does Nicole Richie fare???
Nicole gets a C for laughing at her son falling ("I just think its funny!") while Christina Aguilera gets a C- for throwing out her son's snacks so she won't eat them. (I write this as I inhale the last of the potty training M&M's, kinda wish I'd thought of that…)
Pink earns a B+ even though she occaisionally swears in front of her kids ("Fuck, Calliou! Turn on Motherfucking Arthur!") and Gwen Stefani gets a D for turning her husband into the nanny. You know, cause working moms suck and men who stay at home are nannies, not, oh, I don't know— DADS.
Tori Spelling gets a D- for letting her kids watch eight hours of television a day (It's a 90210 marathon, y'all!!) and Mayim Bialik gets a B- for breastfeeding her son up until the age of four (Donna Martin Graduates! Sorry, I've gone to my happy place!)
Britney Spears gets a C+ for leaving her kids with strangers all day, while Heidi Klum gets an A+ for saving her kids and her nannies from almost drowning in Hawaii.
So. Just to get things straight. Having nannies— BAD. UNLESS, you pull them out of a rough surf.
Two Fs were awarded to Keely Shaye Brosnan (aka Mrs. Pierce Brosnan) who "can't stand being around her own kids" and Farrah Abraham (aka some chick from Teen Mom) for showing up to negotiate her porn contract with her daughter in her arms. Well, which is it, Star? Do you want moms to hang out with their kids or not???
I feel a litte bit dirty even reporting on the report cards but if I can save one person from buying the magazine and thus make Star $3.99 less than they would have made otherwise, I've done a good thing.
If you eat all your son's snacks including his placenta and don't laugh at your children falling, especially if it's under the table at your porn contract negotiations, YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT MOM.
Except if you have a nanny. Then you better stage a house fire and pray you pull her out alive.
bahahaha this made me giggle. I’d get a terrible report card because I laugh at my kid all the time.
this is terrible though. It says that the only moms who are good moms are the ones who look after their kid ALL THE TIME. Dad can’t take care of them. Nannies can’t.
Actually, now that I spell it out, it sounds like US Weekly and my mother in law would get along famously.
Is Star magazine owned by US weekly? US doesn’t write crap like Star does.
Oh my god, what’s wrong with me? I used them both interchangeably throughout the post! Thanks, it’s all fixed now.
😉 I’m a huge US fan, that’s why I was like, what?! They are slightly – and I mean very slightly – more classy then the other tabloids.
My first two thoughts while reading. If you laugh when your kid falls instead of freaking out, they usually don’t even cry! It’s SUMMERTIME, I would immediately fail due to bedtime!
I laugh at my son all the time. Short people tumbling over is cute.. and if you laugh, they laugh. So I’d give an A+ to that mom.
I’m so happy Farrah got an F. I’m not sure if they mentioned this in the magazine, but she also waxed her 3-year-old’s unibrow because she didn’t want her to get made fun of. But I’m pretty sure knowing that her mother has a “backdoor” sex tape is way worse than having a unibrow.
You can pat yourself on the back for keeping me from buying the issue. Even though I never buy celebrity magazines, this one sounds intriguing enough I just might have bought it. Thanks for saving me $3.99 and keeping me from contributing to this horrible magazine.
Thank you for saving me from wasting my money. Seriously how do they come up with some of those grades! Plus if one thing was picked on any given day from any of us I think we could all either fail or get an A+
I particularly like that these moms aren’t allowed to have nannies or helpful co-parents and yet are somehow supposed to have free child-free time to do whatever it is that made them a celebrity in the first place so these magazines can keep writing about them. Since I’m figuring pap shots of them living like the rest of us and never working in the industry again might not sell. So glad no one grades my parenting. I would be sharing the “kid eats only carbs” grade and I don’t predict an A for that…. Though if no carbs gets a D maybe I’m wrong!
Epic F for me all around. Sometimes, I can’t stand being around my kids. I do believe I have actually uttered the exact words “Fuck Calliou” more than once. I made fun of Daniel Tiger for not wearing pants. My kids watch TV while eating junk food. Oh and the big one…I work. No nanny, but a daycare. I’ll start saving for their therapy now I guess. At least above kids are wealthy, mine don’t even have money.
Wait… you AREN’T supposed to laugh at your kids when they fall and then give them a rating of 1-10 for style and amount of possible bruising? Well… oops.
There’s something that I need to work out in my head here…The celebs who are actually working need to have SOMEONE to take care of their kids, or they wouldn’t be working, and they wouldn’t really be celebs if they weren’t working, right? So they fail for having nannies, so they can work, so they can be celebs, and get crapped on by the tabloids…. right? Seems to me that the tabloids ought to be thanking the nannies.
Thank you for reading (and cringing) and posting so I don’t have to. Not that I would anyway, but if I saw it at a checkout counter, at least I know it’s crap inside. If it’s bad to laugh at your kids, then whoops, I am a bad mom. Sometimes the falls and spills they make are funny, come on!
Motherhood and fatherhood are the only two things in life you apparently automatically fail just by achieving it (as we all know today’s “A”‘s are tomorrow’s “D”‘s) … ;P
Fortunately for me, I was well aware of the fact that the world is full of Judgy-McJudges a lot-Judgersons, so from the time I conceived I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought and just did what I felt was best. After all, no matter what choice we make, someone somewhere will be against it so m’eh … best to live by Happiness = Reality / Expecations 🙂
I actually find most of them slightly amusing. Except for the Gwen Stefani one. Because heaven forbid a woman expect her husband to handle a fair share of the child rearing. Few things annoy me more than Dad’s taking care of their children are referenced as babysitters or nannies.
This sounds like some damn fine, thoroughly unbiased journalism. Although to be fair, I really can’t hate on Angie anymore. Calculated or not, I have a whole new respect for her following her double mastectomy.
And I wouldn’t have bought the magazine. I would’ve just stood huddled in a closed checkout lane at the supermarket reading it while my ice cream melted and then put it back on the shelf. Ha! Suck it, Star!
Too late. I already bought it. It’s pretty astonishing.
Brandi Glanville gets an A for being a narcissistic housewife, yet Katie Holmes gets a C even though she got her child the hells out of Cruiseville so she could have a bit more stable life e.g. not led into child labor aka School the Scientology way.
Tori gets a D for mocking her kids crying (um, hello- toddlers cry at the drop of an effing hat! Usually in all kinds of overdramatic fashion!) yet no credit for the hellish pregnancy/post-pregnancy experience ever.
Sure, Heidi saved her kids, but she also took up with the bodyguard.
And Reese got a bit ornery with the cops- whoop. de. doo. That negates all else? It’s how she handles it from now on that matters.
But I don’t want to judge the others, either. The sources are probably paparazzi staked outside their house with high powered mics and zoom lenses.
No mom should be graded, unless they harm their kids, moms do their best whether you agree with their style or not.
Haha u wanted to buy it but I resisted just cause it bothered me! So I’m so glad to read your recap! Now I can confidently say I won’t break down and buy it tomorrow! Ha thanks again!
Can I call to the fact that Angie has nannies (1-1 ratio i think)They are just not alllowed to be photographed.
So yeah great you wont die from cancer but where is Shiloh?! I have not seen a phcture of her in years!!!
Such bullshit that would normally have me setting my hair on fire, but your funny take helped me lighten up.
Thanks for saving me the 3.99!!
I am ashamed to admit that I, too, fell for this and read it. In my defense…it was at a friend’s house. Yeah…a friend’s house.
In defense of the article, they did get it right on that Farrah’s grade, but how hard was that? Taking your child with you to negotiate your porn deal…an F and a CPS investigation, STAT!
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