It's almost been a full month since the birth of your baby girl. I want to start by congratulating you on keeping little Maxwell alive this long. I know the odds were against it.
Don't be mad— the odds were against me keeping my daughter alive as well. I can't even keep a plant alive for a week. Or open a playground gate without lacerating my hand. And my baby is almost two and a half!
Now, I don't want to talk about your choice of baby name, your obsession with buying little Maxwell huge flowered headbands (even though I really HATE those) or your ability to capitalize on your offspring– baby photos, weightloss deals, maternity lines, OH MY!
Nope. I'd like to talk about the conflicting reports I've seen in the gossip rags concerning your transition to motherhood.
Just a week or so ago, OK and US sat next to each other at my local newstand. "At Home with Baby!" read US with reports of your extravagant nursery and your supreme happiness as a new mom. "Jessica's Baby Meltdown!" read OK which detailed your doubts about marrying your husband, your worries about losing the baby weight and your fear of returning to work in less than top form.
I had to laugh at the incongruity.
Normally, when I see gossip magazines shouting headlines like- "Angelina & Brad are engaged!" next to "Angie Leaves Brad Because of Texts to Another Woman!", I chalk it up to PR spin, misinformation and sad magazine people trying to keep their jobs.
And maybe that's how some people will see the reports about you.
But Jessica— I can tell you that MOMS KNOW BETTER.
We know that experiencing "baby joy" the same week as a "baby meltdown" couldn't be closer to the truth. In fact, if you've made it a whole week without experiencing each at least fifty times, you're either lying or a robot.
Welcome to motherhood, Jessica!
You'll want to cry from happiness and tear your hair out with frustration on the very same day.
You'll feel on top of the world, celebrate with cupcakes and then want to throw your scale at your bathroom mirror an hour later.
You'll stare at your sleeping baby with a huge smile and then she'll start to wake up and you'll run from the room screaming.
Joy. Sadness. Happiness. Exhaustion. Elation. Depression. Smiling. Crying. Hosting. Hiding. It's all part of being a new mom.
Which should be really exciting for you, because there are so many gossip magazine headlines to be written!
Like if I were famous, maybe InTouch would come out with a cover photo of me taking my daughter to preschool in the rain yesterday with the headline, "Mazzy Looks Beyond Adorable in her Rain Gear!" And it would sit next to Star Magazine running the very same cover photo with the headline, "Ilana Considers Ditching her Daughter and Broken Stroller in the Rain!"
Both would be true!
Or last week, the covers could have been "Ilana Says a Sick Kid Means More Snuggles on the Couch!" next to "Flu Spreads Through Ilana's Household and Threatens to Destroy Family Forever!".
You see the possibilites, Jessica? If you milk it for all it's worth, motherhood can keep the gossip rags playing tit for tat forever.
So sit back, relax and start planning those back-to-back weightloss struggles and successes.
Because you may be famous and have someone paying you millions of dollars to lose your baby weight, but in some regards, you are no different from the rest of us.
Welcome to the club!
PS: Can you please tell me if Jen A is pregnant? Because I can't even follow that storyline anymore.
Hahaha so true. Some moms have all the money and help and everything, but childbirth and newborns are the great equalizers, even with all the Nannies and housekeepers and such. You are right both scenarios happen within minutes of each other — often.
I don’t know if Jen is pregnant. I’m so tired of seeing reports of her pregnancies or adoptions every time I go grocery shopping. It’s exhausting. That woman does not have to have a baby. If she remains child-free either by choice or circumstance it is not news. (shhh not all women become mothers shhh — apparently it’s a secret not everybody knows)
Anyway, she’s my BFF pretend celebrity friend. So I feel I should offer my 2 cents. I’m sure I’ll be the first to know if she does become a mother, and I’ll let you know.
And to Jessica — sleep when the baby sleeps.
Brilliant! Love this. How so very true…
Word, Mommy Shorts, word.
Amen, Mommy Shorts. A reluctant welcome, Jessica, to our very inclusive club.
Yep, finally something believable from the gossip rags. All of them.
Now whether or not any of it is actually newsworthy is still up for debate…
WHAT???? All women don’t have to have babies???? Someone should definitely tell the gossip rags, my most trusted magazine resource, to alert the masses. It’s not true ’til it’s in US Weekly!
Funny that they need two competing magazines reporting opposite takes in tandem to get the story right.
OH my goodness! This made me actually laugh out loud!! This is SO the truth!! It is funny when two different magazines have two conflicting stories on the same person but when it comes to motherhood: bipolar disorder is in full effect (I don’t mean that in any kind of disrespect to anyone who actually is bipolar like my brother). Thank you for posting this! I needed to smile and acknowledge that I’m not the only mom out there who cries, laughs, and pulls her hair out all in the same day! Thanks!
Yes. SO very true.
I must add that as a subscriber (free, we get it from air miles that MUST be used – which isn’t to say I wouldn’t buy this crap, because I sadly must admit I do) to US Weekly there are absolutely NO pictures or words from her as a new mom. It’s all hearsay and crap like that. So if the other one has a nice shot or two, then I’m thinking they know the deal.
The pretty and clean scene with the light pastels and pinks? Negative. A baby spits up and poops and pees more often than even Jess would have imagined, those many months ago playing with her baby doll (oh, wait, that was Snooki, yes?) … whatever. You’re right – I hope she reads this. 😉
Yep you got it. Motherhood is the best and worst of yourself, your spouse, your life–cycling through each day.
All of those magazines are so full of crap. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about Jessica having her baby based on a cover article in InTouch that totally made it seem like she had given birth when she hadn’t. LIES!
Yes, all of this. But mostly, I REALLY hate those headbands too.
Great response to the ragged gossip about celebrity moms. And a fantastic reminder to all moms that the shiny, happy mother you see on the sidewalk may well be the forlorn, snot-covered mother you see waiting for the bus a few minutes later. It happens. Often. On repeat.
Great blog post! The whole Mommy multiple personality disorder thing is kinda true. Flashback to me eating ice-cream WHILE crying to husband that he should not let me buy junk food while losing baby weight. LOL
OMGosh….this is such a great post! You’re so funny…….I’m actually at work at my desk laughing out loud at you! I actually noticed these magazines, too and laughed at the 2 different stories myself! You hit it right on the mark with Jessica! Welcome to the ‘Real World’ and welcome to ‘Mommy-hood’, Ms. Simpson! Great Post! :):)
omg – love, love, love this!!!
Love this! I do have a hard time reading the tabloids as I’ve come to realize you never know which ones are right and which ones are full of sh)t, LOL!
Hormones are partly to blame for the inconsistencies of a new mom’s behavior. Not that I’m making excuses, but when we come to accept that realization, we feel partly vindicated.
You’ve got it all right. She’s in our club now and boy can she milk it. And thank God my brain or body is not on the cover of OK magazine. My kids might never recover. Nor would I.
Must be hard being a celebrity mom and feel like you have to look all shiny and perfect, when inside you’re going through a physical and emotional rollercoaster. As for the celebrity ragz – vote with your dollars. You buy, they thrive. Just sayin’
What is it with those things??? It just feels like an unnecessary effort to prove to everyone you have birthed a girl.
You have done a good job.
I kind of want to be BFFs with Jessica Simpson. You know she’d be fun to hang with.
I’d gladly gain 65 pounds (come on…it was more than that, right Jessica?) if someone would pay me FOUR MILLION DOLLARS to lose the weight.
Even if it meant I had to have another baby.
Putting my first two through college is going to be expensive.
Totally worth creating another human being. Totally.
I’ve been keeping a big secret and want to thank you for setting me free. I really HATE those flowered headbands on bald baby girls too! I thought it was just me.