Jessica Simpson has given birth to a girl named Maxwell. I, for one, am okay with that name (provided the tabloids stop calling her Maxi which sounds to me like a sanitary product). But naming a child is just the first of many decisions that Miss Simpson will have to make as a new parent.

From what I remember, back when Jessica Simpson was relevant (don't tell me she's a judge on Fashion Star, that show SUCKS), Jessica is not the sharpest tool in the shed. 

So, it is in her honor that I present 9 PARENTING FAILS today. There is an important lesson for her to learn in each of them.

Pay attention, Jessica!

1. Always remember if and when you are wearing your child.


2. Your stroller is not a shopping cart.


3. If there is one good time to stop texting, it's during childbirth.


4. Don't play hide and seek in the grocery store.


5. Refrain from putting your kid on your shoulders during potty training.


6. Learn how to spell Santa.


7. Put your kid down before you eat a burger.


8. Turn off autocorrect.


9. Not every photo-op is a good idea.


Congratulations, Jessica and GOOD LUCK!

WARNING: If you try googling "parenting fails" yourself, please be aware that about 95% of them will be women in thong underwear taking photos of themselves with their children behind them. The other 5% will be babies smoking. Your welcome for not including them here.

Photos found on I Can Has Cheezburger, Ned Hardy, Strange Beaver and the Huffington Post.


UPDATE: There is some debate over whether Jessica Simpson actually had her baby. People is saying "No". Apparently, I was fooled by InTouch's cover story entitled "Inside Jessica's Dramatic Delivery" with subtitle— "her tearful first words to her new baby girl". I even read the whole article. First sentence: "As a first-time mother, Jessica Simpson couldn't be more thrilled to finally welcome her baby girl, Maxwell". What up, InTouch???