Last Friday, I did a giveaway for the book Confessions of a Scary Mommy, in which you all had to write a "mommy confession" to enter.
By far and away, the most popular response was pretending to do your business in the bathroom when really you are reading magazines and surfing the internet in there.
I've always said— NEVER EVER TOUCH A PERSON'S iPAD. That thing has spent more time in their bathroom than their moldy shower liner.
In fact, the winner of the book (chosen randomly) is a woman named Michelle who said…
"My kids think I have a raging case of diarrhea because when things get crazy, I lock myself in the toilet and read The Hunger Games."
Congratulations, Michelle! We all know exactly where you will read your new book!
Below are ten more of my favorite confessions handpicked from your comments. I've left them anonymous, just in case somebody wasn't expecting them to be unearthed for all to see.
1. "Sometimes I think the only reason I'm dating is so I have someone else to help me with my almost-3-year-old son."
2. "We are pretending that my daughter's third birthday is happening a week earlier than it actually is, so that I can go to a beer festival with my cousin."
3. "I taught my two-year-old that all television that isn't animated is called "the news." That way if I watch the 'Real Housewives' with her or something else Bravo-esque and she tells anyone about it, she'll say that mommy was watching the news."
4. "I make up errands to run just so I can leave both kids with hubby and have some alone time in my car. Running to the store to get tampons I don't need has never been so nice!"
5. "I'm taking advantage of my 'pregnancy nose' by instantly smelling our toddler's dirty diaper and sending him to go play with daddy."
6. "I was using the computer upstairs during the baby's nap, and I was STARVING. To get to the kitchen for a snack, I'd have to pass through the living room (where the older kids were). I didn't want to divert their attention from the TV because then I'd have to listen to 2 hours of Pokemon play-by-play, dodge invitations to play dress-up, and probably make them a snack, too. So I hid upstairs and ate all the baby's yogurt melts instead."
7. "I let my two-year-old daughter co-sleep so that I don't have to have sex with my husband."
8. "Last weekend, by Sunday afternoon, I was so fried I told my daughter Central Park was closed when she asked me to take her to the playground."
9. "I'm a SAHM, but I explain to people that it's a lot of work and I don't get to just sit around all day eating bon bons. But right now I'm totally sitting and eating bon bons while reading this blog."
And one more "Hiding in the Bathroom" confession because it totally made me laugh.
10. "I take my cell phone into the bathroom with me and hide out for 15 minutes reading blogs and surfing the internet when I have really finished my "business" in 3. However, it is now backfiring on me because my autistic son – whom I have often coached from the other side of the bathroom door on pushing through his resistance to hard stools – turned the tables on me. Concluding that the reason I'm in the bathroom so long is the same one that keeps HIM in there, he stands outside the door loudly encouraging me (as I do him) to "Make a big poop, Mommy! Push! Push hard, Mommy! You can do it! Did you make your poop yet?"
Thanks to everyone who submitted confessions— I encourage you all to read all 86 of them. You'll sympathize, commiserate, feel better about your own parenting and maybe even learn some tricks. I'm totally stealing that "news" thing!
And speaking of mommy confessions, I have one more…
Next week I will be handing over my child to Grammy, wishing them well and flying to Mexico with my husband. A romantic vacation for two, you ask? Well, not exactly. Unless you consider the company of 40 of my husband's co-workers and their spouses romantic.
BUT— it will be child-free and tropical and most definitely a good time. So don't be mad at me if I post some pictures of palm trees next week.
We all deserve some palm trees in our lives.
Have a great weekend!
— Mommy Shorts