Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about how Mazzy doesn’t listen to me.
The post centered around a discussion I had with my sister (the brilliant Dr. B) who told me to stop asking Mazzy so many questions. Particularly ones where “no” was not an acceptable answer.
I got so many responses from readers who wanted to try Dr. B’s advice, I asked her to write a more in-depth post on “listening”. Or as Dr. B calls it— COMPLIANCE. (That’s why she’s the doctor.)
It’s a good thing I did because turns out, I’m still getting a lot of things wrong.
For one thing, after the whole French parenting brouhaha, I decided to try saying “no” more sternly which escalated to a place I found uncomfortable and yet STILL DIDN’T WORK.
Dr. B says that children are more likely to respond to a directive when it is done in a child-friendly tone.
I guess both Mazzy and I have a lot to learn.
With that, I will hand you over to Dr. B…
Most children begin to exhibit non-compliance around age two (i.e., the terrible twos) as they begin to explore their independence and develop a self-image. At this age, a child’s non-compliance is their way of communicating, “I am my own person. I’m separate from you.”
In other words, they recognize that mom and dad’s desires do not always match their own and that they can have their own likes, dislikes, and belongings. Common behaviors during this stage are frequent use of the word “no,” difficulty sharing, claiming possessions as “mine”, picky eating, and throwing tantrums when they do not get their way.
Children continue to exhibit non-compliant behavior throughout their life as they explore their own unique identities, separate from their parents, although their way of expressing themselves becomes increasingly sophisticated (e.g., style of dress, teen rebellion, etc).
Instead of becoming more restrictive during these times which will likely make the behavior worse, be flexible and use your child’s resistance as a barometer for when you may need to give them more developmentally appropriate control over their choices and environment.
Below are a few suggestions for minimizing non-compliance and increasing listening in young children:
1) Be close and talk at eye-level: Some children learn that a parent is not likely to follow through until the third or fourth time they are asked to do something so they ignore the parent the first few times a request is made. Make sure your child listens the first time by setting them up for success. Do not raise your voice or intervene from across the room. Instead, make requests in close proximity to them at their eye level.
2) Give choices within acceptable parameters: When children are non-compliant, they are looking for some control. Giving choices is one way to give your child control but on your terms. State all requests or directions as choices when you can. Instead of saying, “You need to get dressed now.” Try, “Do you want to put on your shirt or pants first?” while holding up both options to make the choice as concrete as possible. Similarly, avoid making something sound like a choice when it isn’t. For example, do not say “Can you come to the dinner table?” when “no” is not an option.
3) Keep language developmentally appropriate: 2 and 3-year-olds are just learning to follow one and two-step directions, respond to questions, and to understand negative terms (e.g., Don’t throw). Use positive terms that tell your child what to do (e.g., “Walk!”) instead of what not to do (e.g., “No running!”). State one direction at a time and give your child 5 to 7 seconds to process and respond to what was asked.
4) Limit your use of directives and questions: Do not give your child more opportunities to practice “not listening” by firing questions or directions that they fail to respond to. Instead, only make a request when you have time to follow through and ask a question that your child is likely to respond to.
5) State directives in a respectful and child friendly tone (without anger): Children are more likely to follow directions when the tone is positive.
6) Be genuine and sincere: Indicate what you need your child to do by using phrases such as “I need you to” instead of “You need to” to avoid a potential power struggle when your child responds by saying “No I don’t!”
7) Always follow through on directives: Make consequences known in advance (positive or negative) (e.g., “First get dressed, then you can play with your doll.” Or “If you put that toy in your mouth again, I’m going to take it away.”) Once you’ve made a directive, you must follow through on the consequence if your child doesn’t do what you say. If your child complies, make sure to acknowledge it with plenty of descriptive praise (e.g., Good listening! Thank you for doing what I asked you to do!) to increase the behavior.
8) Give Information: Providing information lets you communicate in a way that does not reinforce non-compliance. When you give information such as “It is time to get changed” or “I’d like you to get changed,” you hope that your child will consider the information and change their behavior but you are not demanding that they do so immediately which could set you both up for failure or a power struggle. This gives you time to test the waters and decide when and how to proceed (e.g., by letting your child play longer, giving a choice, using a back-up reward, or choosing a negative consequence for not listening when you decide to state the request more firmly).
9) Model Good Listening: Be a role model for good listening by showing that you are listening to your child by imitating and reflecting back what your child says. Try to verbalize the feelings your child is expressing with behavior, in words.
10) Make listening fun: Use games and playful language to teach your child to listen. Play games such as “Simon Says” with the whole family and then use this game at other times when your child is less likely to listen (e.g., If its time to get dressed say, “Simon says put your hands up” and then slip his/her shirt on). Keep it fun and effective by alternating between funny directions (e.g., stick out your tongue) and things you want your child to do.
A child’s resistant behavior can be difficult to embrace at any age; however, responding harshly or with criticism only makes the behavior worse and can potentially damage your child’s self-esteem. Instead, remain calm and keep in mind that non-compliance is a completely normal (and important) part of development that results in children becoming the special, unique individuals they are destined to be.
Dr. B has a PHD in school psychology and specializes in early childhood development.
Thank you for the advice Dr. B, I definitely need this!
WONDERFUL! I already have been practicing the “no questions” policy. WOW! It’s HARD! But I’m glad and thankful to start this early! Thanks Dr. B.
I love this! I feel validated b/c I’m doing some of this already. Thank you!
LOVE this. I learned it in high school and college when I took child psychology and child development. But that was eons ago and I was sooooo far from having my own that it didn’t really stick.
This is such a GREAT reminder!!!
I’m terrible about #4 – definitely need to work on that one. I also found #6 helpful. And I agree with Abigail – I also feel validated because I try to do many of these already. I don’t always succeed, but I do try. This whole parenthood thing is a work in progress.
I am going to print it out and keep one copy in my nightstand at home to remind mself to do all these things.
what great advice!!!!
I have been so much better at getting down to their level (eye level) and asking for things, or making it clear that I am not happy with a behavior.
I just need to yell a little less.
Thanks for the list. I especially like 1) Be close and talk at eye-level and 3) Keep language developmentally appropriate (for which to wait 5-7 seconds). I often give choices/directives and then expect an answer immediately. We need that in the house now. Our son does not listen.
I can confirm that these strategies work. I started at age 2 and now she’s 4. During calm moments I talk about what behavior is expected. And I will praise her later (ex. you remember yesterday when you put your plate away without being reminded? that made mama happy.)
Whenever I feel like raising my voice I actually lower it to almost a whisper and I find that forces her to focus on me. Sometimes I ask myself — would I scream, yell, berate, nag, etc. a stranger? A friend? If the answer is no, why would I do so to my child? Trust me she has consequences for her bad choices and I do yell in frustration sometimes, but it’s not very often.
I definitely use the “I need you to…” and when I get some reluctance or foot dragging I’ll also say “I understand. I’ll wait while you do it.” And I do stop and sit and wait. I don’t nag or plead or beg. I might repeat “You know what you need to do. I’ll wait for you.” On the rare occassion it doesn’t work, I’ll do what needs to be done and calmly tell her while I’m doing it. “You must be too tired to do what mama asked you to do. I guess you’ll need to go to bed early tonight. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Or, “If you can’t put your toys away I’ll have to put them in the garage for 2 days.” Believe me — that might be painful that day and later that night, but it will pay off in the long run. Say what you mean and do what you say.
Now, it’s not always perfect (really??) and when there are breakdowns it’s usually because she’s tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. When she is having a tantrum I’ve started to do something lately that’s been working. I ask her “What can I do to help you?” Sometimes it is a hug, sometimes a book, sometimes she wants me to sing to her. Sometimes she just needs to cry for a while. I don’t do time outs. I do time ins and just hang out near her (doing something else — phone, reading, or close my eyes — basically “ignore” her). And when she’s ready I’ll “help” her. Later we talk about what went wrong. Sometimes I have to own up to my responsibility for the situation. Example: “You must be hungry because you’re not making good choices. That is my fault. I’m sorry I forgot to bring a snack for you. As soon as we can I’ll get you something to eat.” Sometimes just being understood is all it takes. It’s not giving up the power in the relationship to admit to fault — it’s modeling good behavior.
Wow! Very helpful with specific examples. Thank you!
Am printing this! Thank you!
I’m doing some, but need help in many areas!
Ps does this come with a guarantee that they will NOT drive me crazy when they are teens?
It is definitely difficult. Mike and I are continually calling each other out for doing it wrong.
This is why I am glad that I had a sister to take child psychology for me. So much easier to use her as a helpline than to reference a book!
#1 is a big eye opener for me. I am constantly yelling her name from across the room. I also love the idea of saying Walk! instead of No running!- why didn’t I think of that?
The getting down to their level is a new change for me. It definitely is a lot more effective than asking her to do something from across the room.
And I’ve referred to this post at least ten times since yesterday.
Yes! I hadn’t considered the processing time. That’s why
Mazzy doesn’t stop running immediately when I say so.
No- sorry. I can’t guarantee ANYTHING.
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Well said, Gina. We’ve been parenting this way with my 2 1/2 year old daughter since she was very young, mostly based on my observations of other parenting styles and my conclusion that the “standard” way of doing things doesn’t work (bluffing, yelling, not talking on their level, etc.). I NEVER fail to follow through on a threat or promise I make, whether it’s something as small as not getting a new toy out until xyz is done or leaving someplace if behavior doesn’t change. I can tell you that my daughter is not perfect (she IS a 2 year old after all!), but I actually appreciate those increasingly rare moments when she “challenges” me to reinforce the expectations in our house for how we treat each other and values like respect, patience, and kindness.
I still catch myself asking questions when I don’t mean to, and I will just acknowledge that she “got me” on that one (because I DID ask her opinion after all), and rephrase my question into a statement of expectation. My daughter can sit on a picnic bench all by herself (because I’ve explained to her that she must stay there until she has finished her meal) while her friends get up and down from the very same table and run around with their mothers chasing them down and making threats. As I’ve explained to my husband, the extra work we put into setting good standards for these things now will make our work so much easier in the long run!!
I do most of the things in this article very consistently and have from the beginning, and they worked until around the time my son was 3. Now he is 4. and with the exception of “making things fun”, step 10, I still do all of it. I’m sick, my mother is sick, and I have two younger children to care for completely by myself with no help from my husband. I have limits.
I just don’t have time for making things fun, so I have resorted to spanking. It works a lot better in the short term. When I DO have time, I am searching for a better approach, but so far nothing that works for my family.
I do think it’s nice for those of you parents who have ability to make compliance “fun” all the time, but I have very rarely seen it in practice with the dozens of moms I see interacting with their kids during playdates and school functions.
The vast majority of parents on the earth don’t use the above strategies. Not that they are doing it right either; I am just saying: give yourselves a break and shower your kids with love. The rest is small stuff.
Many thanks for your worth reading for any family with 2-3 years old child. I have learned a lot from it.
This is such a wonderful article. It’s hard to understand why they don’t listen or ignore us.As they get older us mother realize we’re all in the same boat and just need to be patient. It’s all part of the process.
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How do I teach my two year old to come to me when asked?
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I know this is an older article but I found it very helpful! Just wondering if I could get some advice, I often try the choices (like pants or shirt first) with my 2 year old twins but I get no answer. They’re off in space somewhere completely ignoring my voice. Any ideas how to handle this?
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So, just stumbled on this post and absolutely loved it. I have been dealing with a non-listening toddler myself these days (more so, stuck in his own world) and I am ready to try these. Thank you for your advice Dr. B 🙂
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Since knowledge is really im-portant for people of all ages to acquire
worldwide, DAPP Malawi of Humana People to People helps
learning probable. Although some countries around the world have already got superior knowledge systems, other countries and third world countries have
a major shortage of intelligent and well competent teachers.
Plenty of countries which are in significant demand of quali-fied
educators. DAPP Malawi generates measures to give teacher training projects
with these areas and many others to support improving
areas strengthen their own education strategy.
Coaching educators is mostly a key precedence making sure that scholars will be able to study at the correct
grade and level regarding their age ranges.
Farmers Club plans can be obtained at a variety of colleges around
the world. DAPP Malawi helps to support all Humana People to
People agencies in offering these training courses at a number of institutions.
Africa is home to 32 teacher training colleg-es and India
has 22 colleg-es that offer this program. Malawi supplys one
college with 2 higher education degree programs while Humana People to People continue to assist some other third world countries in their quest for higher education. All of these colleges and more are
backed up by donations and the help of DAPP Malawi.
Though developing nations might have instructors
present in their sessions, they aren’t always fully-trained and capable to supply their
pupils with all of the materials that they definitely need to know.
By fundamental studying comprehension to math skills and physical education, teacher training programs
will supply each teacher useful material they could fix in the class.
Specialized, enthusiastic and prideful are only a few solutions to summarize the teachers who
take benefit of the exceptional training courses.
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