I keep trying to write a post about the whole superior French parenting thing (more than one person has sent me Pamela Druckerman's article from the Wall Street Journal) but I am at a loss for an appropriate angle.
Mainly because I am supremely jealous, want to move to France, befriend the nearest parents of a toddler and observe.
Like Pamela (author of "Bringing Up Bebe"), I struggle with my daughter's lack of patience and disregard for my authority.
I would love to sit calmly in the playground while Mazzy plays quietly at my feet. Or enjoy a meal in a restaurant without simultaneously fishing crayons out of my water glass. Or master the art of saying "no" with a force that sufficiently scares her into submission without alerting passerbys to a possible child abuse situation.
Sadly, it all seems like l'impossible.
French parents, on the other hand, appear to have it all figured out.
Or so the article says.
I've got another theory on why French parents have such an easy time getting their kids to do what they say. I may not have done extensive research, but I have been to France more than once and have at least two years of experience dealing with a child. I am as qualified as anyone in sharing my hypothesis.
5 REASONS FRENCH KIDS BEHAVE BETTER THAN AMERICAN KIDS
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I don't know about your children, but if someone handed my daughter a French baguette with a ramekin of butter, she would be able to occupy herself independently for at least two to three hours. A Nutella banana crepe would BLOW HER MIND. She'd probably take it to her room where nobody else would try to get a bite, polish it off and then go straight to sleep, knowing the sooner she woke up, the sooner she could have another.
My conclusion:
Maybe the French are superior parents, but we also can't overlook their superior bread and chocolate items with which to bribe their kids.
Now learn to say no, try saying it forcefully, and find out where to buy a quality croissant.
————————————
Photos credited to roboppy, cooking whims, kevin eats, and babble.
Haha! Don’t worry. I would take Mazzy’s independence as a good sign. It means she’ll have a strong, independent personality later in life. 🙂
Apparently I was similarly stubborn as a child. 😛 My mom said *her* mom sent her a parenting article called “Tips for Raising the Strong-Willed Child.” Whenever she wants to embarrass me now, she brings up some crazy thing I did when I was three…
Well, I’m a french parent living in France, and the whole viennoiserie thing doesn’t work at all (for me at least).
Ha. I wrote about this book Tuesday. Although, by merely suggesting that the French angle on parenting may be better or that I swayed like the Frenchies, I actually LOST A FEW IRL FRIENDS. Huh?
And, FYI, banana-nutella crepes are the bomb. Drizzle some chocolate over the top. Heaven on a plate.
(And my breakfast will shortly be Nutella on an English muffin. Mixing countries, staying sane.)
Since we have a 16 year old French foreign exchange student living in our home I have to laugh at this whole “French kids are better than American kids.”. We love this gal but she’s just a typical teenager. She eats more crap than I have ever seen anyone eat, she absolutely WILL NOT eat a vegetable, and to hear her talk, all French kids are drinking and smoking by age 12 or 13 (and they party hard!).
Love our French gal buty American boys will do just fine for me!
This is a hot topic! There are great parents of every age, class, religion, race, and culture. There are shitty parents of every age, class, religion, race, and culture. And within every parenting style there are good things and bad things. One article about this topic also stated that French women were pressured by their culture to not breastfeed and to drop their baby weight super fast. I don’t know if that is true, but I don’t know what to believe of anything I have read rather than witness first hand. And whe I do witness parenting first hand, well … refer back to sentences two and three. Though if it is true that French women enjoy their wine then I would believe that could explain some of the current thinking on their parenting style … 😉
If your friends are so quick to judge and not be receptive to discussions which involve differing points of view while knowing your true heart then well …they weren’t your friends in the first place. IMHO. I hope if I accomplish anything in parenting I at least raise children who can hold firm to their own true beliefs while appreciating other peoples cultures and being receptive to differing views.
What I take away from the wsj article is that maybe french mothers, overall, have higher expectations for their kids, and more confidence in themselves to enforce it. We’re so afraid of messing up our kids that we second guess our choices..and kids are perceptive of that. I know mine is!
But overall, even though I don’t have the most patient daughter, I think I’m raising a pretty good kid.
In 9 months of living there, as well as countless exchanges, I have never ONCE seen the tantrums that occur in public in this country…to the point where, when I came back after an extended visit, I truly wondered if American Parents were at all capable of handling their own children. But it is not just the way we behave as parents, but how we behave as a society that is what is causing the problem. European culture is more laid back, and set up to be more child-friendly in that it is more pedestrian, and more geared to actually LIKING children. We run from errand to errand, tie our children down, and force them to be immobile for hours as we rush to get from one end of town to the other. And then, most parents are completely unequipped to handle the tantrum and start yelling ourselves. No wonder they melt down!
And maybe you’re right. It’s probably the food. We feed our kids a lot of processed food that doesn’t exist there. And a daily bit of chocolate never hurt anybody.
Brilliant! You are on to something. And don’t forget the hot chocolate in which the lucky French child can dip his or her baguette and croissant. And, Tired Mom, I’m wondering if the absence of WalMarts and Targets might have something to do with your not seeing tantrums in France. I don’t see many either here in Vermont. The last one I saw was in a huge mall in New York State.
I’m hungry for a chocolate croissant.
I grew up with Nutella, and I can tell you I was not dream child.
Still, it’s sticky enough that it quiets the kids down for a few minutes.
Not sure you can generalize “European culture is more laid back, and set up to be more child-friendly in that it is more pedestrian, and more geared to actually LIKING children.” I’ve heard on more than one occasion that in Austria, for example, your dog is going to get more love when you’re out walking in public than your child. There’s a “seen and not heard” mentality regarding kids, as explained to me.
Oh, and of course, we’re generalizing about entire countries when there are obvious differences by every variable you can name. I think we all get that though.
I think all kids have their meltdowns so I’m taking this article with a grain of salt. I think that we have to let kids be kids, which means allowing them to be loud and busy at most hours of the day. Especially in Pediatrician offices. I let my kids tap dance on the walls there. It’s what they get for making us wait a long time.
Saw the Author on the Today show. I rolled my eyes a little… love your blog!
I think you’re onto something, Ilana.
Yesterday, I bought my 14-year-old son a particular breakfast treat he’d been begging for. We normally try to eat somewhat healthfully around here but he’s sick of it and he’s a good kid and so I broke down and bought some crap.
Last night, at bedtime I told him I loved him. And he said this to me:
“I can’t wait to wake up in the morning.”
I asked him why and he replied, “So I can finally have my Toaster Strudel.”
Yep. You’re a damn genius.
Yes, but she wears a beret.
So she must know what she’s talking about…
I think you’re onto something.
I am a farking angel when handed a buttery croissant. We should test this theory.
Croissants are the best! I too have read the article and think of it every time my 12 year old is whining and driving me crazy. However, we have friends who are French and their 12 year old is even more annoying than mine. Perhaps it’s because they are here and not France? Who knows.
Sigh, OMG how I really want a pain au chocolate now! Darn you! 🙂
I lived in Brussels for 2yrs (not France but pretty close in culture & behavior…& language anyway). And Tired Mother is right. I NEVER saw a temper tantrum. But, JenK is also right in that kids are definitely seen and not heard. Dogs are taken out in public a lot more than kids. And there is a lot of “kids as fashion accessory” pressure – very well dressed and quiet. I lived right next to a Creshe (nursery school) and the kids sure did get out to scream during play time (soooo loud) but were quiet and well behaved when walked lovingly home by their parents.
From all this I deduced that they love their children fiercely but believe that their place is at home & school and that they should not be the center of the parent’s lives. I think that’s the difference.
Here we almost worship our children and want them to be happy so much that we let them take over sometimes and become the main priority in our lives.
I’m sorry. I’m sure you were making valid arguments about something: Elmo trashing, going BPA-free, Ryan Gosling. But I couldn’t concentrate. I was distracted by the food porn.
Julie, I’d take your advice except for two things:
1) My kids already eat crap and I’d have to give them ice cream for breakfast. Crap! What’s wrong with me!?
2) I need to be sure you’re wearing a beret before I can accept your authority.
I’m taking the angle that they are just better dressed kids thus they behave better. Berets for all!
HAAAAAAAA! Totally agree!
Yes – what Tracy said! I’m with her. My kids always behave better when they have berets perched jauntily atop their freshly washed curls. (As if THAT’s ever happened.) But I believe it would…
That article and your last post about your two-year-old not listening to you has put me on a parenting bender this week: I immediately stopped asking questions that my own two-year-old couldn’t say no to (i am the worst about that) and I started with some real directives (e.g. You have to play by yourself now while I cook dinner…). I also took some of the at-your-service-momminess out of my voice and replaced it with i-love-you-but-i’m-the-boss (dads are soo good at this). So far this has been awesome and my son also seems much calmer. He has still had a couple tantrums but they were much shorter and neither of us got really upset. It has also come out in a couple scenarios at work, someone was complaining to me and instead of me letting it go on for an hour (as I usually would) I stopped her short, suggested a solution, when she declined it I told her to let me know when she was ready to figure out a fix. Basically I feel like this article brought to light the fact that I’ve been taking a lot of shit, from my adorable son and others. I don’t think I’ll read the book but I appreciate the conversation that a lot of kids are running rampant over us parents and it’s at least partially avoidable.
I think I’ll take a chocolate donut now! I said now! 🙂
Are you sure you’re not the sister with the Ph.D.? Because I think you deserve one with this post.
Dude, I totally have to start testing this theory out.
Because I’m OUT OF IDEAS.
And, recently, I saw another book about French mothers and how they’re skinnier and better mothers. I wanted to burn it.
I lived in south France for a while with a family that ran a home day care. There were tantrums. And there were picky eaters. And there were delightful charming children. I didn’t see too, too much different than here in the US, other than a lot more layers of lovely wool knits. Also, I gained 25 lbs in 6 months on the French Farm Mom diet, and did so happily.
But again, maybe they did things differently than in Paris. No one in the family I lived with had ever been to Paris even though it was a relatively short train ride away, sooooo…I’m guessing there are cultures within the French culture – as there are in the US – which possibly makes this more of a comparison of two socio-economic groups across cultures than the people within an entire country.
At any rate, as a Polish-Lithuanian Appalachian in Pennsylvania, I have my own tricks for preventing/stopping tantrums in public, but they all involve banjos and threats of cabbage, so not good book material. 😉
I’m with Kate. You are HILARIOUS, and so spot on. Sharing this now… you are going to make a lot of moms laugh this afternoon.
Hahaha, except now I’m hungry. Want chocolate filled croissant….
Later in life she will also surround herself with TVs, iPads and unbroken tortilla chips. We will be so proud.
If I was your child, it would work on me. Just sayin’.
Seriously? People need to get a grip. If the article is to be believed, I have both French and American parenting traits. Which might be the reason why I have an extra whiny child. She’s confused.
I think European culture (and Asian) in general encourage more cooperation / blending in with society while ours value individualism/independence. There are pros and cons to both sides. I do think that being taught to obey may not be a great trait at times, especially as we head into adulthood.
French parenting is NOT better. I lived in Paris for several years and witnessed just how terrible some of those children can be. I had to quit several nanny positions, because their children were just so terrible, and the parents so un helpful that no matter what i did or system i implemented it would never have gotten better. since moving back to the states i’ve witnessed two families in action both with french parents, and both of whom could have used the help of super nanny. seriously. my poor American niece was terrified of the two little french boys who came over for dinner one night. (they ran wild all over making a terrible mess and broke her brand new toy stroller, which she, being only 2 years old, handled with grace and poise.)
That’s my experience at least.
I have 5 very well behaved children. We have not been to one place as a family without receiving at least 1 compliment from someone about how well behaved they are. They don’t run and jump and scream and throw temper tantrums (they save that for home!). My children have been taught to refer to adults as ma’am or sir, to always say please/thank you, and they don’t ask more than once if they’ve been told no.
We are not normal Americans…we’re Latin American-Americans 🙂
You are delusional. the french do NOT have any kind of superior anyhing. period. Except if surrendering is a quality.
This is a most unique article I have ever read. Especially the tips are quite interesting.
It’s a pity you don’t know your history bpontheright. The French helped us win our freedom from Britain during the Revolution, we couldn’t have done it without their military and financial assistance. They have many demonstrations of their bravery and the quality of their lifestyle, as well as their exceptional arts and goods throughout history.
child birth in france..the stay in hospital 2 weeks the reason so the mom and baby cab bond . i know for you, that is a ridiculous concept … as for france and surrender … maybe they learned something a long time ago, about being a world power trying to tell everyone else what to do … does that require an explanation … also the lack of television and reality tv and eating like pigs at fast foot restaurants probably has something to do with the fact that french children have manners and don’t express impatience, etc. at evidently a young age …
as a life span developmental psychologist … the response of the parents here are frightening … you let your children tap dance …. do you have concept of what you are teaching them on how to respond to the reality of life ….
please don’t put anymore of your good ideas into the gene pool
as a life span developmental psychologist … the response of the parents here are frightening … you let your children tap dance …. do you have concept of what you are teaching them on how to respond to the reality of life ….
please don’t put anymore of your good ideas into the gene pool
– See more at: https://www.mommyshorts.com/2012/02/the-real-reason-french-kids-are-so-well-behaved.html#tpe-action-resize-382
so sorry jenK my post was intended for the woman below … please please accept my apology
I find this concept fascinating since all of my children are well behaved when we eat out or fly on a plane etc… Because I am prepared. I put toys etc… In a small bag and rhe only time they got to play with them was at a restaurant. I also did not ignore them to carry on an adult conversation. I wanted them to learn how to behave in social settings without yelling or tantrums. My husband and I got many compliments on our 3 boys when dining out. They are 17, 15, & 7 now. The time I spent teaching them proper behavior and what is expected of them has paid off tenfold. So I think tantrums have much more to do with the parent than the child. Learn to read their cues and life will be much calmer.
That is so stupid! Unlike Americans, French people are slim. That is the most absurd excuse for having a spoiled child. Now the poor child will not just be spoiled, he or she is going to be fat too! Well done
Nutella (as in nut-ella) is hazelnuts, not chocolate, of course.
I’m a french mother of a three year old tigress and had great fun reading your article !
I guess yes good bread with nutella helps, but only for breakfast unfortunately…
For the rest of the day my advice is an invested Daddy with lots natural authority 😉
And girls stop dreaming : most french people eat croissants maximum once in a month !!
Plus don’t the French drink a lot of wine? That probably helps.