Do you notice that I always ask questions? Even in my writing? That for some reason I can't just write normal sentences, they have to be opened ended, like I'm actually waiting for a response?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah. That would also be the way I talk to Mazzy.
And you know what?
That's the wrong way to deal with a two-year-old.
The other day, we were out to brunch with Dr. B (aka my sister) and I was telling her that I have been having problems getting Mazzy to listen to me. She doesn't respond when I call her name and she doesn't seem to register that I am angry when she doesn't do what I say.
Below is my best memory of our conversation:
Dr. B: You should stop phrasing everything in a question.
ME: What do you mean?
Dr. B: Don't say things like, 'do you want to brush your teeth?' or 'do you want to eat dinner?' when she doesn't really have an option.
ME: What's wrong with questions?
Dr. B: You should tell her to do things instead of asking her to do things.
ME: But what if she still doesn't do the things?
Dr. B: Once you say to do something, you have to follow through.
My sister said that by continually asking Mazzy for her participation in what are mandatory parts of her day, I was not teaching her "compliance". In other words, I should only give her a choice when she actually has a choice.
She also said I should only ask questions when I know Mazzy knows the answer and I should never ask a question more than once because letting it continually go unanswered just reinforces non-compliance.
Do you know what happened next?
I sat there in confused silence.
Every single thing I thought to say to Mazzy was a question. I couldn't even figure out how to phrase simple statements.
Finally I spoke.
ME: Mazzy, do you want to eat your eggs? I mean, why aren't you eating your eggs? I mean EAT YOUR EGGS!!!! (pause) Am I supposed to force feed her eggs now?
Dr. B: Try saying— Mazzy, it's time to eat your eggs.
ME: Mazzy, it's time to eat your eggs.
Dr. B: Good.
ME: She's still not eating her eggs.
Dr. B: That's fine. You haven't made a demand or asked a question. You've just told her that it's mealtime.
ME: Oh. Okay. Huh?
Basically, if I make a demand, I need to follow through so I should never make a demand when following through isn't possible. Instead, I should try to phrase my request in a way that is just giving her information.
Dr. B also said I might have an easier time getting compliance if I gave Mazzy a choice. But if I opt to give her a choice, I should make sure the choice is between two things that are on my terms. Put simply, don't ask a 'yes or no' question unless 'no' is an acceptable answer.
Dr. B: For example, instead of saying 'do you want eggs?', try 'do you want eggs or toast?'
ME: Mazzy, do you want eggs or toast?
Mazzy: Toast.
ME: I knew she'd pick toast.
Dr. B: Remember to praise her.
ME: Good toast eating, Mazzy.
Dr. B: Good listening…
ME: Oh right. GOOD LISTENING, MAZZY!!!!
What can I say? I'm a parent in progress.
You know?
————————–
If you are a frequent question-asker like myself, following Dr. B's suggestions are a lot harder than it sounds. But as I slowly get more comfortable with it (it's been three hard days), I am also starting to see a real difference in Mazzy's behavior.
Or more accurately, a change in our dynamic.
One big result was our very first dinner conversation which I am talking about on Babble today. Check it out by clicking here.
I do the very same thing with my 2 year old and he doesn’t listen to me, either. Maybe we should listen to Dr. B? Maybe it will help? Yes? No? 🙂
It honestly goes against every fiber of my being because I always try to engage with people and feed off what they are saying.
But I must say, as uncomfortable as it is, it seems to be working.
I’m more like the dictator-type parent. Example: “Monkey, come here and eat your breakfast.”
It doesn’t work so well.
I need a Dr. B in my life!
Hahaha, the confused silence is exactly what happened when my friend gave me the same advice lolz.
To this day, I get stuck and people look at me expectedly while Im trying to construct a sentence in my head. They’re like “um lady, your kid is unloading your entire shopping cart. When are you going to stop her?”
Gimme a minute, gimme a minute….
I’m thinking.
I did this. OMG, I sooo did this.
I got better, though. You learn to speak like a normal person again, I swear. And your sister is right. Though it feels odd not to slap a “?” after everything you say for a while. Or months. Whatever, one of those.
Ok,at first when I read your sister saying “Good listening…”, I thought she had been praising you for your following her advice, and pictured it all sarcastically sweet. Then it turned out it was still guidance. There might be something wrong with me. I have 4 young kids and have no idea how I talk to them- I’ve never really thought about it that much. You can bet I’ll be paying very close attention today, though!
hahaha congrats this is a huge step for you! Asking almost always gets a “No!” from a two year old lol. It makes you a tentative mom when you ask questions all the time, like you have no faith in yourself. You’re a grown up, you do know what feels right!
I like to say things like, I bet I can get my coat on faster than you! Or say “let’s sing a song while we pick up toys”. Or I will do something silly like try to put on their clothes and tell them I want to wear it. They giggle and take it from me and tell me it doesn’t fit and put it on to show me. Stuff like that. I also do countdowns, 15 minutes, five more minutes until dinner, ok now it’s dinner time.
Choices are definitely more palatable (to anyone) so give them your two picks so you are happy with whatever they choose. Toddlers are all about defining their choices and exercising free will. I had to teach that to my own daughter lol because her two year old predictably ignored her, or said no and threw fits. Choices are so much better for everyone!
However as they get older, you can narrow the choices down on occasion to either “this” or “the consequence for not doing this”….ie when it’s time to get off the computer, you close it down when I ask and be polite and good natured about it or the next time you want to get on, the answer is No. That works marvelously for my 8 year old granddaughter.
Parenting is a learning process the whole way through! I’m still learning lol and mine are grown….
Yes, one thing someone said to me which matches this is “Never ask a yes/no question if you are not going to be OK with either answers”. I mean, asking a question like “Do you want to go to school today?” Used to ALWAYS be responded to with a resounding yes… until she realized she could say on 😉
The “choice” thing has been working pretty well (80% success ratio I’d say). Like, say I need to change her diaper and she won’t stop playing to go upstairs. I say “Rebecca, do you want to walk upstairs yourself, or do you want me to carry you?” MOST of the time she drops the toy, runs to the stairs and says “Becca go by self!”. I also try to give her choices on the mundane things like “Do you want your milk in the pink cup or the purple cup?”, although we DID have a meltdown the other day because the pink cup was not clean… but I recovered EVENTUALLY with “Rebecca, you can either have milk in the purple cup, or no milk at all”. She whined/cried/tantrumed, so I took the purple cup and put it in the sink. Suddenly the Purple Cup was acceptable…
The worst is something like cleaning up before bedtime. What do I have for leverage? If you don’t clean up you’re going to take a bath and go to bed? 😛
It’s a never-ending battle. I know I have a [mostly] good kid. She’s so smart. A little sensitive and socially awkward like me, but a good kid. But I feel like a hostage negotiator 3/4 of the time…
This is the kind of thing that finally starts to come naturally just about the time you are done having kids. I swear the first two are just for practice…
I think the idea is that you can still feed off of her — I read a lot about how it is good to acknowledge their feelings, e.g. “I understand that you don’t want to eat your eggs, but that is what Mommy made for breakfast and so you can have the eggs now or wait until lunch to fill your tummy”
But yeah, stopping the open-ended questions is VERY difficult. Sometimes the “Do you want to…” questions come out of my mouth before I realize I set myself up for failure…
Oooh I like your “I’ll bet I can get my jacket on faster than you!” idea, and your consequence ideas.
*files away for later*
I am willing to send my children to Dr. B for a two week long “listening” training camp – because my kids could be good for a week.
The problem is when siblings get together it only takes one not listening to get the other to join in.
The twos are fun, because they argue just to be contrary.
“Do you want blueberries or a banana?”
“NO!”
“Okay.”
“I want ban-na-na.”
“You want a banana?”
“Yes.”
“What do we say?”
“Peas.”
(peel banana and give it to her)
“No! I don’t want ban-na-na! I want boo-barries!”
(insert meltdown when refuse to comply)
***
Is there a Jeopardy for parents you could go on before you break the habit? I think you’d rock it.
I don’t think you are alone in this. It’s nice to give our children options sometimes, but I find it normally results in the whole “give em an inch, they’ll take a mile” problem.
I notice a lot of parents “up-talking” too. meaning, they are inflecting their voice upward – just like when asking a question – when they are actually Not asking a question. so even though they say “eat your eggs” with the inflection it becomes, “eat your eggs?”
I can see how that would be confusing to a child.
know what I mean? 🙂
The statement thing is a great start…but more importantly, don’t say some thing you can’t follow through on…”here are your eggs.” Is safer than “eat this ” (like you said, you cant force feed her!)
I have found with my littles: keep it simple. Show them (make it happen) *while* you help them. In teaching a 1 yr old to “come here ” play a game where you are in arms reach and youpull them in for snuggles/tickles (whatever they like) start doing it from greater distances.
When 2 yo isn’t listening get up and physically walk her through what your asking. We use too many words, toddlers need to be shown over and over (sometimes) to 1. Understand our boundaries will be enforced 2. SEE what we’re talking about (“mommy said come here ” you walk over and take her hand and walk back to where you need her to be.)
Aldo, don’t ssy some thing unless its necessary – itseasy to give a lot of thoughtless commands and get sucked into an unnecessary struggle. Toddlers are people too, and they want to save face, we can keep them from feeling like they need to protect their budding individuality by letting our words be few. This had been a very helpful resource with my 2 tiddler’s. http://goybparenting.com/
-mama of 3.
This was great timing. Parenting a two year old is so frustrating sometimes!
I have had this conversation sooo many times.
Not sure if you’ve read this…but it brings up some good points/techniques. My parents are French so now they feel vastly superior 🙂
http://www.facebook.com/l/OAQGI8AkL/online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html?fb_ref=wsj_share_FB_bot&fb_source=home_oneline
Another very helpful word to use is “may”, as in you may brush your teeth or you may come join me and play (once you finish your tantrum)
You are right on. My sister is constantly telling me to acknowledge and voice Mazzy’s feelings so she knows I understand what she wants even when I don’t give it to her.
According to Dr. B assessment, I would say being a dictator is better than what I’ve been doing…
I’m glad I’m not the only one. I felt like a moron all through brunch. It really is hard and goes against how I normally act around people.
It must be a female thing. Don’t they say that woman phrase too many things as a question in business too?
See? I just did it again! TWICE!
Let me know how it goes. Having my sister there is mostly a blessing, but sometimes I am very aware of her watching my every move.
You sound like my mom and my sister. They are both naturals with kids. They instinctively know what it is fun for kids and what will keep kids engaged. Me? I have a much harder time.
oh dear.
i just replayed my entire frustrating evening with Eddie from last night and guess what?
I asked one damn question after the next until my head was about to explode from him saying no.
Well, duh. he was just answering my stupid questions.
I am embarrassed to say, I have given up on cleaning up before bedtime. I just do it after she goes to bed or I clean while she does whatever. If you figure out a way to handle it, let me know!
And we have sippy cup color fights around here too.
Great I will look forward to my imaginary well-behaved family in the year 2030.
We usually put an array of food choices out for Mazzy at mealtime. And then we consider ourselves lucky if she chooses one. If I ask her what she is in the mood for, she says no to everything. Which I guess is correct since she normally doesn’t eat anything.
Sigh.
The inflection thing is a problem. I do it without even thinking. I’m working on it.
But I think the choices thing is about choosing options that are both acceptable to you and limiting their choices to two.
Do you want to eat your broccoli before your chicken or your chicken before your broccoli? That sort of thing.
I think.
I wish I had know that “come here” trick earlier. I never explained that calling her name meant she had to turn around and pay attention to me. Maybe that’s one of my problems.
I agree. Keep it simple and don’t overwhelm them with new information or requests.
Yes. I actually read it earlier this week after I had this post planned. I wanted to do my Babble piece on it today because I thought they would compliment each other nicely but Babble said it was already covered on Stroller Derby. Ah well.
I think it’s a really interesting read. And not surprising. The French have a lot figured out that we don’t.
But then won’t I feel like my mom??? I guess that’s the point.
I know. I listened to my sister’s advice and thought— WOW. I have been messing this up big time for months! But she says that now is actually exactly the right time to start implementing some of these lessons.
Don’t worry. We are both right on schedule.
Do you like to talk? A lot? Not judging (I enjoy talkers!) just saying … sometimes the problem is also that our talking becomes background white noise and they do not distinguish between the general talking we do vs. us directing a comment to them specifically … just ask my husband 😉 If you are asking her something and she seems to be ignoring you, another technique is to cross to where she is, get down to her level, look her in the eye, and try again.
Choices are great and wonderful for control – but are not needed all the time. It would drive me bonkers that my husband would ask the kids “what do you want for breakfast?” as wow, that could be anything from going to a restaurant to steak to cereal to ice-cream!! Even offering two set choices is pushing it when I have 20 minutes for them to shovel down food before we have to head out the door. So finally I told him – just make breakfast, make it healthy, have it ready, they will eat it. Hungry kids will eat. The times they haven’t eaten, they weren’t hungry. The times they asked for something different, I always said no (within reason – if they want a banana sure, but if they want toast when cereal was poured or vice versa then no). On the weekend if we have more time – sure then they can choose. Weekdays not so much. Works with my 8 year old – but also works with the 2 year old!
I really wish someone were here right now (you, perhaps) to tell me “Good oatmeal eating, Julie.”
Seriously.
Side note: I am also willing to eat either toast or eggs if someone else will make it for me. You’d get nothing but cooperation from me.
But.
I’m not as cute as Mazzy. DANG.
Now it’s time to pick up toys, pick up toys, pick up toys! Now it’s time to pick up toys, or Mom keeps them.
My guys (7, 4 and 2) think it’s hilarious when I sing my own words to songs they know. AND they work really hard to get done fast so I quit that embarassing booty-shake dance.
In our house, if toys aren’t picked up when asked, they go live on top of the fridge for a couple of days. If the toy seems to be forgotten, it goes in the donation bin, so it’s a double-score for mom, since we get the crap picked up AND out of the house! LOL
I just posted on my own blog about what an asshole my kid is being. And you know what? I DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING! Everything is in the form of a question and the answer is always NO. Fucking always. Tell Dr. B thanks. I needed this today!
I have been trying to break my husband of the question habit. He ends everything he says to our 2-year-old with “OK?” As in, “Miles, it’s time to brush your teeth, OK?” So then there’s me yelling from the living room “Do not ask him if he’s OK with that!”
Though even when we do ask things “correctly,” we still get an appropriate response maybe 10% of the time. Usually it goes something like this: “Miles, would you like yogurt or applesauce?” “Cookie! I want cookie!” “No, you can have yogurt or applesauce, which would you like?” “Noooooooooooooo!!!! Coooookkkiiieeeee!!!!”
That made me LOL!! Too true … too true. Past conversations with my 2 year old ringing in my ears 🙂
I totally want to find out where you live, stalk you … then one day when you are in a restaurant walk up to you and say “Wow! Look at you eat that salad! Way to go! High-five!” Hahahaha!
This, this is my problem. This is what I do. And I am constantly frustrated, day in and day out.
I guess I need to take the advice and give it a try and see what we can do.
Regarding choices, sometimes it’s helpful to think about giving the child the choice about what ORDER to do things — Should we wash body first, or hair?
— Should we put our toys away before bath or after bath?
— Do you want your fruit with your sandwich or after your sandwich?
hmmm my answer to that is my mean old mom approach……when I pick it up after a certain amount of time, it’s mine. You don’t get it back for “a time frame suitable for the age”. Then give it back (if you want, or maybe not ever) but remove it again if needed. Or not. Or give it away. Kids have wayyyyy too many things anyhow that they never even touch except to throw around.
Two months ago I went into my granddaughter’s room. spent 4 hours, and took out two garbage bags full of broken things, art work and pieces of toys. The floor of her room was a hoarder’s dream with nowhere to walk. I filled another box full of books to give away. Then we went through the rest of her stuff…do you ever play with this? do you like this? this is too little for you now and it would be really nice for another little girl who doesn’t have one, etc.
If things are on the floor, they a. have no place to put them or b. they have too much stuff and they are overwhelmed!
Clean up is always easier if you do it with them, and tell them for example, ok you put your dishes in the play sink and I will pick up your books, or sweetie you pick up the Legos and mommy will put away your trucks, or whatever. There should be a spot for everything. Do it in layers. Clothes, books, babies, legos, trucks, etc. Sometimes having races is fun, or putting on some music and work to the song or using a timer so they know there’s an end in sight.
And if no cooperation, well, ta da, guess they don’t need all those things then, do they? Sooner or later they figure out that not helping means they are losing their favorite possessions.
And there sneaks out the mean mom in me hehehe. My friends and I are charter members of that club – M.O.M.- and we have also added an affiliate called M.O.G., mean old gramma! LOL! Sometimes there is just no negotiation…
I ran a daycare for 11 years and had lots of experience with what worked so I hope this helps!
And I gotta add to this too….it’s a little known fact that a child will not starve to death between meals. 😀 I told my kids, you get what I cook, this is dinner. I am not a short order cook! You don’t eat, breakfast will be along in the morning and you will be really hungry by then! And no desserts or treats if they refuse to eat the meal with you. That just becomes their reward for being contrary if you cave.
Oh and how much liquid are you filling up their tummies with? Those are empty calories and they need other things in their bodies. Limit the drinks for an hour before dinner and see if that helps. Also no drinks until they eat small portions of what you serve otherwise they will fill their tummy with liquid again and not eat.
Yeah it’s hard to bump heads with a two year old (and older!!!) for sure but hey, you are bigger, older, and the mom!
HUGS!!
YES! I’m also a question-asker and Vivian is also not listening to me for jack shit these days and it’s driving me CRAZY! And my mom, who’s been a kindergarten teacher for 20 odd years and is therefore an early childhood expert (IMO anyway), told me the exact same thing Dr. B told you. It’s uncanny how similar the conversations were, actually.
And yes – it’s a lot harder to do than it sounds!
Godspeed to you, Ilana. I feel your pain.
Thanks for the tips! I wonder if she’s too young to truly understand the consequence of toys being “mine”, but I think that will be a a GREAT trick for when she’s older.
Today’s tantrum was brought to you by “There is no more applesauce left and that is unacceptable, fetch me some more!” 😛
Your blog post has been playing through my head every time I try and get my picky eater to eat an actual meal and not just gold fish, or to even when I try to strap her into the high chair. Thanks for the tips! I just know that someday, someday, my kid will be a healthy eater. In the mean time, just keep her from starving? No. Just keep her from starving. That’s better.
Here’s the third choice….Nothing! which do you choose? nothing? ok. I’m leaving the room now. Come join me when you are done screaming and we’ll talk then. And then let them throw the fit….with no audience.
Can’t speak for Leah, but I don’t cave to the cookie – it is just funny, outside of the moment, how smart they are! Like once my toddler was opening up my computer and I said “hey, you can’t touch my computer” and she startled, turned around, then did a cheeky grin and said “Ok … iPad??”. My husband and I immediately burst out laughing – didn’t give her the iPad, but could appreciate the humour of the situation. And sometimes – that is the best thing to take out of the whole debacle of raising kids 🙂
I’m usually pretty good about giving the statements or directives. My problem is that I always throw an “OK?” at the end of everything. “We are having tacos for dinner tonight, OK?” “Five more minutes til bedtime, OK?” “Let’s go get on our jammies, OK?” Why do I do that? I think I’m trying to assess “Did you hear me? Do you understand?” but it comes off like something that can be approved or denied.
In any case, thanks for the worthwhile reminder that I should stop doing that and try to drop the OKs. Will start working on that right away… OK? 🙂
Bless you and Dr. B! You’ve changed my life for the better with this blog entry. Two days of imperfect implementation and the difference in my son is amazing! Go get a massage. You deserve it!
thank you for this…I am always asking questions and yes my son doesn’t listen to me!!! lol i will try this as soon as possible. thank you for sharing!
After the age of 5 all the kids are bound to listen the instruction of teachers at school and parents at home. This is the age in which they just do whatever they want. So, let her enjoy the independent life for few days.
Thanks for making my family happy again, my father came back home and he can even take us out, something he never think of before! i wonder Dr egbenakhue are you god or what? amazing you make things happen! i will .Thank you very much. from Holland if you need his help contact email address Dr egbenakhuespelltemple@gmail.com
First of all, Am just short of words i don’t know what to say, am so grateful to Dr aduga for what he has done for me. At first i thought he was a scam like two others that i worked with, but i just decided to contact him then he told me that my lover will be back home within 4days. When the 4 days completed my husband called me and said he was sorry for the frequent argument and fight, i was so happy that my husband who left me for over 2 years called me. Now we are together he can’t do without me, he always wants me to be by his side and he just bought me a new car. If you want to contact him for help, his email is dr adugasolutiontemple@hotmail.com
brian mccarthy
Dr Obosianzen thanks for making my wish true! I was totally devastated when phillip left me. It was like all my world vanishing into sorrow and pain. But your kind words when I first emailed you gave me hope. I felt how sincere, honest and authentic he were from his first email. I know it sounds weird but out of all the casters I contacted, you was the only one to give me that impression of being so true and caring. More than your words, it s the fantastic work you accomplished for me that I will keep in mind. He brought my lover back and he made all my wishes come true. He is now loyal, pays attention to me, he offers me flowers every Sunday, and we often go out at the cinema or at the restaurant. I will be forever thankful for turning my life from hell to heaven! if there is anyone to get your ex back to you, it is obosianzenspelltemple@hotmail.com
brian mccarthy Las Vegas
susie bowmar
I have to say wholeheartedly I believe that Dr Obosianzen is a very gifted individual and gentility his second nature. I have received the most rewarding and spiritual experience whilst conversing with him on the internet. I heard and saw an angel in my minds-eye it was so overwhelming. I knew at that moment finally my difficulties were over. He deserves recognition for his powers and talents as a beautiful individual who brings spirit close to those in need. I have been touched deeply; nothing has come as close to me before. I am in total awe and have a great deal of respect. Thank you Dr Obosianzen for reuniting me with my estranged husband. email obosianzenspelltemple@hotmail.com
[…] Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about how Mazzy doesn’t listen to me. […]