This post was written based on a prompt from The Red Writing Hood. The assignment was to write a Craig's List ad selling items after a break-up. Who did I choose to break-up with? My former self. You know, the self that existed before I had the baby…
MOTHER'S INVENTORY OF CHILDLESS COLLECTIBLES (NYC)
Date: 1/25/2011, 9:00AM
Reply to: email@example.com
Had a baby 14 months ago but have only recently come to terms with the realities of my new circumstances. In order to officially end my state of denial, I am getting rid of the items listed below. They are all in good condition (unless indicated) and will be THE PERFECT ADDITION TO YOUR CHILDLESS LIFESTYLE!
1 ALARM CLOCK— relatively new retro wooden alarm clock, rendered useless since it's not neccessary to set an alarm clock for 7am when you have a living breathing alarm that wakes up every morning at 6am.
3 MATCHING GLASS VASES OF VARYING HEIGHTS— Vases have recently come within baby's reach resulting in transfer from their aesthetically pleasing spot on the hallway credenza to their annoyingly spacesucking spot on the kitchen counter.
20 (OR SO) PAIRS OF DESIGNER HEELS— I still wear heels on nights out without the baby but upon honest reflection, I realize this has only happened a total of six times over the past year. My heels are now just taking up valuable closet space that could be used for my growing collection of Lululemon pants.
1 NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION— Watching movies at home seems like it should be something a parent can easily participate in but since my husband and I are both living on ridiculously little sleep, it is a minor miracle if we are still awake by the end of the opening credits.
1 PURPLE SILK SHIRT— Small stain on shoulder. Possibly drool. Barely visible. Once my favorite.
1 ADVANCED VOCABULARY (CAN BE PAIRED WITH TOPICS THAT MAKE FOR INTERESTING CONVERSATION)— Vocabulary can also be used to kick-ass in games of online scrabble. Unfortunately, time for play has been supplanted by working, parenting, and blogging. Also, if it does not involve the words ball, book and/or Elmo, it will probably not be tolerated as a point of discussion in our household.
3 DREAMS IN VARIOUS STAGES OF PLANNING:
• Dream of getting a new couch delayed by current and potentially future toddlers with leaky sippy cups, dirty fingers, artistic aspirations and acid reflux
• Dream of owning a ridiculously adorable but totally un-family-friendly Mini Cooper
• Dream of going on African Safari (trip now slated for retirement)
ASSORTED FANCY CREAMS— I moisturize. And I am holding on to my eye cream for dear life. But as far as skin masks, molds, peels and anything referred to as a "treatment"? There is just not enough time in a day.
5 CHERISHED BUT NOW ANTIQUATED BEHAVIORS:
• Act of sleeping late, skipping breakfast out of laziness, and spending the day in bed watching Law & Order Marathons
• Act of spontaneously meeting friends for a drink
• Act of watching morning news programs (world view now gleaned from Elmo and Abby Cadabby)
• Act of catching up on all Oscar nominations before the big event
• Act of eating pretzels out in the open without a 20lb baby pulling on my leg screaming "Prepa! Prepa! Prepa!"
PORTION OF MY HEART THAT WASN'T SURE I LIKED KIDS: No longer available.
If interested, please contact me as soon as possible, preferably during naptime. BEST OFFER will be considered. Payment accepted in Buy Buy Baby gift certificates only.
What about you guys? Care to add anything to my sale?