This post was written based on a prompt from The Red Writing Hood. The assignment was to write a Craig's List ad selling items after a break-up. Who did I choose to break-up with? My former self. You know, the self that existed before I had the baby…
MOTHER'S INVENTORY OF CHILDLESS COLLECTIBLES (NYC)
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Date: 1/25/2011, 9:00AM
Reply to: unshoweredperson@mommyshorts.com
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Had a baby 14 months ago but have only recently come to terms with the realities of my new circumstances. In order to officially end my state of denial, I am getting rid of the items listed below. They are all in good condition (unless indicated) and will be THE PERFECT ADDITION TO YOUR CHILDLESS LIFESTYLE!
1 ALARM CLOCK— relatively new retro wooden alarm clock, rendered useless since it's not neccessary to set an alarm clock for 7am when you have a living breathing alarm that wakes up every morning at 6am.
3 MATCHING GLASS VASES OF VARYING HEIGHTS— Vases have recently come within baby's reach resulting in transfer from their aesthetically pleasing spot on the hallway credenza to their annoyingly spacesucking spot on the kitchen counter.
20 (OR SO) PAIRS OF DESIGNER HEELS— I still wear heels on nights out without the baby but upon honest reflection, I realize this has only happened a total of six times over the past year. My heels are now just taking up valuable closet space that could be used for my growing collection of Lululemon pants.
1 NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION— Watching movies at home seems like it should be something a parent can easily participate in but since my husband and I are both living on ridiculously little sleep, it is a minor miracle if we are still awake by the end of the opening credits.
1 PURPLE SILK SHIRT— Small stain on shoulder. Possibly drool. Barely visible. Once my favorite.
1 ADVANCED VOCABULARY (CAN BE PAIRED WITH TOPICS THAT MAKE FOR INTERESTING CONVERSATION)— Vocabulary can also be used to kick-ass in games of online scrabble. Unfortunately, time for play has been supplanted by working, parenting, and blogging. Also, if it does not involve the words ball, book and/or Elmo, it will probably not be tolerated as a point of discussion in our household.
3 DREAMS IN VARIOUS STAGES OF PLANNING:
• Dream of getting a new couch delayed by current and potentially future toddlers with leaky sippy cups, dirty fingers, artistic aspirations and acid reflux
• Dream of owning a ridiculously adorable but totally un-family-friendly Mini Cooper
• Dream of going on African Safari (trip now slated for retirement)
ASSORTED FANCY CREAMS— I moisturize. And I am holding on to my eye cream for dear life. But as far as skin masks, molds, peels and anything referred to as a "treatment"? There is just not enough time in a day.
5 CHERISHED BUT NOW ANTIQUATED BEHAVIORS:
• Act of sleeping late, skipping breakfast out of laziness, and spending the day in bed watching Law & Order Marathons
• Act of spontaneously meeting friends for a drink
• Act of watching morning news programs (world view now gleaned from Elmo and Abby Cadabby)
• Act of catching up on all Oscar nominations before the big event
• Act of eating pretzels out in the open without a 20lb baby pulling on my leg screaming "Prepa! Prepa! Prepa!"
PORTION OF MY HEART THAT WASN'T SURE I LIKED KIDS: No longer available.
If interested, please contact me as soon as possible, preferably during naptime. BEST OFFER will be considered. Payment accepted in Buy Buy Baby gift certificates only.
What about you guys? Care to add anything to my sale?
This was GREAT. I was nodding my head through the whole thing. My favorite was the alarm clock and the piece of your heart. Both, so true. Loved it.
Like previous commenter, I found myself nodding the whole time. My two favorites were the pretzel one (as I find myself sneaking snacks for fear of a begger 18 month old) and the heart one (as I wouldn’t have it any other way despite past concerns). Great post…funny and heartwarming.
You could also add the act of peeing without an audience. It’s like a game when I go. Potty to see how quickly I can be found.
Great post
SO TRUE. All of it. I miss sleep the most. And watching movies.
This whole post is SO true! I never thought I would love kids either, they creep in and get you though.
This is so hilarious! And true! What a great post. You are a fantastic writer!
Have a happy weekend!
Also anything of value…those always get broken.
And patience…cause that also gets broken.
And clothes without baby food stains…cause they love to projectile launch their food at us.
I am freaking jealous of your post. I love how you ended it with your heart…Lovely touch. So entertaining and so damn true, all of it!
I LOVE this!!! This is SO true – I laughed out loud at the Netflix subscription!
I do a post every Saturday about my favorite posts of the week – this will be on it for sure!
I’ve given up my dream of not being constantly covered in food. Which explains my attire. And my hair.
Great post!
I’m going to add: my newspaper subscriptions, plus a stack of still unread literary fiction that has been bumped off the bookshelf by parenting books (also unread).
Awesome. Sounds like you took care of it all.
But now I’ve also got the fierce mama bear attitude that says don’t mess with my kid 🙂
Prebas really spoke to me, as I am now forced to covertly pour my orange juice into a coffee mug, while hiding behind the refrigerator door, as to not incite cries of “joob! joob!”.
This was brilliant!
I found myself nodding a bit too much – especially about the counter space, once used for cooking, now used for “place to put everything you don’t want eaten or thrown on the floor.”
This prompt was a lot of fun for me too. 🙂
Thanks for the laugh!
Love this! And I add all my hundreds of dollars of scrap-booking supplies. Absolutely NO time for that with three kids. Boo.
This prompt is SO fun!!
The best…post…EVER!
This was fantastic! I could so relate – as could every mom. My husband and I have tried to figure out what it was, exactly, that we DID before kids. We thought we were so busy…
I love this! So true but yet, I am still hanging on to my shoes and designer purses for dear life (even though I am mostly in flats and my purse of choice is my Skip Hop diaper bag).
This is so true and should be a letter to women everywhere who think they want children.
LOVE!
Nice. I still haven’t given up the Netflix subscription but you make a compelling argument.
Very, very clever. I swear, I need to stop reading blogs – my husband’s going to wonder why I changed my mind about wanting to have children 😉
I’d have to add “Several beloved pairs of Express ‘Editor’ pants that will never, ever fit me again. (Sniff.) Decidedly NOT for sale: my massive stockpiles of Worry, Guilt and Sense of Humor, all of which I am using constantly.”
This is such a clever way to interpret the writing prompt! I need to start doing some of those.
This is great, I can totally relate to the cherished but now antiquated behaviors… One more thing I noticed 2 days ago is that as a parent you now need at least 1 week notice to go out together, one thing our childless friends don’t get so V and I take turns when there’s a less-than-a-week-notice party coming up…
By the way, sorry I haven’t been commenting in a while (but I’ve been reading), just wanted to say that the post your husband wrote about fatherhood was excellent, the running into the wall made me cry laughing… so good
Have a great weekend xxx
Brilliant. I’d like to add my expensive bath-time candles – since every time I climb in for a relaxing soak, within 5 mins my 2 year old is in the bathroom stripping off to climb in with me.
All of the above I can relate to.
And now I’m kicking myself for buying a new couch because it hadn’t even occurred to me that my next child might also suffer from reflux and projectile vomit all over it.
Great.
Swinging by from TRDC. Listing of things… don’t we know it all too well. I had to give up the mini-coop dream too. lol.
I’m impressed you got out without the baby six times in a year – to places that require heels.
Also, my toddler doesn’t like ANY food so he never bugs me for what I’m eating, other than to demand to see it and then pronounce it “Ock.”
Such an original way to approach the writing assignment. Really well done, funny and touching. World view gleaned from Elmo & Abby Cadabby particularly funny along with the pretzels. And ending on the heart and make best offer during naptime was just perfect.
There are are actually two alarm clocks, my very cool one and my husband’s, which I believe he traveled back into the eighties to acquire. Come to think of it, he has probably had it that long. I will get rid of that thing gladly.
There has got to be a whole post in the sneaking of food.
Even my 14 month old does this. I leave her with my husband to pee and two seconds later, she’s knocking on the door and pushing it open.
I miss movies more than the sleep.
The jury was out. Luckily, I got blessed with a cute one.
You too! Thanks!
It seems like I am living on the edge every time I put something on with a tag that says: Dry clean only.
Jealousy is the highest compliment. Thank you!
Thank you— I would love that! Glad you could relate!
Keep the Mini dream alive. I own one in the ‘burbs. Okay, it’s our second car. But we’ve got 2 car seats in the back and damn if those kids don’t rock them.
I used to love shopping for clothes. The food issue has saved me a lot of money.
Yes! We should cancel all our magazine subscriptions as well. Nobody has time to read them so they just pile up until Mazzy tries to eat them.
I’m guessing that instinct will arrive as soon as I send her off to preschool.
“Joob” is “Jew” is our house. We’ve got crakas (crackers) too. I feel like a person with an eating disorder with all the snacks I sneak throughout the day.
Netflix memberships? Alarm clocks? Make these posts anonymous and let’s hear some REAL comments…like on people’s (pre-baby) sex lives, lingerie and X-rated toys 😉
The other use for the counter space is for all the bottles, sippy cups, suction cup plates, etc. All in beautiful neon colors of course.
This resonated. Oh, so true. But you know what? Now that my boys are getting older, I am starting to buy heels again. I am going away with my husband to St. Lucia next week–just us.
It comes full circle, but you have to fight for it.
Every word couldn’t be more true!!! I worked in the fashion business for the last 20+ years and now have nothing to wear after collecting designer pieces they are useless for now! I smiled through it all ! You are a great writer !!
News? Do they still show the news anymore? Elmo is my authority on everything as well. Well done.
Small items. Mostly made of paper. Sharp scissors. Nope. No go.
So busy having an active social life. Dinners, parties, drinks, etc. I know exactly what we were doing.
At least Mazzy knocks at the door before she pushes it open. My child thinks it is funny to kick the door as hard as she can over and over and over. Then when I open it she shuts it again so she can keep kicking. I’m pretty sure our doors are going to have holes in them soon about the size of her little tennis shoe.
Oh my purses. My lovely lovely purses. Even when I go to work, I have coopted my husband’s messenger bag because it seems so much more practical than one of my handbags.
A picture of a mom wiping poop off her face should be included in that letter.
It’s all worth it, I promise.
We have yet to cancel it. But we’ve had the same movie for about five months.
Thankfully my clothes still fit. But there is a section called “pants” in my closet that I have no use for. If it’s not jeans or lycra, I probably won’t be wearing them.
I HAVE noticed your absence, so glad to hear you are still around:) My husband is better at planning these impromptu solo outings. Although, the few times I’ve asked, he has never taken issue with it. Tells me I have to take advantage more often.
I used to have these beautiful vintage bottles that I bought at a flea market in Buenos Aires lined along my bathtub. One of the first things to go.
Sorry for jolting you back to reality. Although if it helps, I would buy a new couch in a second if I could convince my husband to ignore the obvious.
It was a nice dream though. I looked very cute in that car.
They did not require heels. I just felt obligated to wear them to justify the amount of space they are currently taking up in my closet. Also? I look 1000X better in heels.
I’m non-fiction. And I talk babies. It’s a small box when it comes to writing memes. Sometimes the write themselves.
We really are cut from the same cloth, aren’t we? Is yours off-white with a charcoal gray top? Cause then you might have finally sold me on the ‘burbs.
I am very happy with my current sex life thank you very much. Although, my husband might tell you a completely different tale.
It’s nice to have something to look forward to when I so badly want to freeze time and keep my baby a 20lb. munchkin forever.
Thank you!
Useless designer pieces? Are you having a sale of your own? Maybe I can find room in the closet after all…
It is Elmo’s World and we are all just living in it.
Dammit, Mommy Shorts, now I have a whole ‘nother blog ring to go check out because of your Red Dress Club link-up!
I LOL’d at the pretzel thing because my son will NOT let me eat pretzels. Something about the crinkle of the bag makes him crazy and he divebombs it. Only pretzels though……not Doritos or Cape Cod chips or anything else. Isn’t that WEIRD?
I think I love you. This was hysterical… so cool that you/we were featured together by natalie/mommy of a monster.
😉
p.s. do you love your lululemon pants? i don’t have any, keep hearing about them. must investigate.
Oh yes. So many things no longer useful. I love the Netflix. I can’t remember the last movie I saw.
I could have written this list…seriously! I don’t even try to watch movies anymore because I am fast asleep 10 minutes into it.
This is funny but also really sweet. Especially the part at the end about that portion of your heart being no longer available. Very cute!
Mazzy is not as specific. She gets excited by the sound of a crinkle, if she sees me hewing, or if I merely walk over to the counter. I just haven’t taught her how to say potato chip yet.
Well, my friend, the love is mutual. The only love greater is perhaps my love for Lululemon pants. I discovered them about four-five years ago and have not worn anything else to work-out since. They also make for exceptional plane attire. And are my go-to hanging around the house attire. I recommend the groove pant in both long and short varieties. Your ass will look fantastic.
Sometimes I will make it through the opening credits only to look over and see my husband fast asleep. Then I will foolishly shut it off thinking— we will watch it together tomorrow. RIGHT.
This is so bitter sweet. I didn’t know whether to laugh or shed a tear for the former self… It is true though that our lives shift after we have kids and it helps to sort and sell or toss stuff.
Best wishes on your journey. I am visiting from the SITSGirls Weekend Sharefest.
Best,
Elizabeth
Great post! I just looked in my closet this week and saw all my designed heels and jeans and endless loads of jewerly and then realize the days of sweats and uggs are here to stay! That’s okay I wouldn’t change it!
“3 Dreams in various states of planning” – I’ve so been there. 🙂
Oh, this is so funny! And SO true!
Damn, I wish I’d had those heels in my pre-baby life!
But yeah, all of that. So true.
This is fabulous, Ilana! You really got the stuff, lady. Sorry this is so delayed!
Hi from SITS…
so true…I have four under the age of 7…
alarm clock? why would I need that when my almost 3 year old came in my room the other morning at 4:45 (yes, 4:45) and crowed loudly-cock a doodle doo! over and over again…
high heel? wow…anything over a kitten heel and I’m on the ground…
Very cute! Loved the couch one… I have had to slipcover mine with a cover that can be washed. I so can’t wait for the day when I can get a new one without the fear of leaky pull-ups and drippy sippers, besides the pens and markers.
I can think of nothing more for the toddler set, but for the elementary school set I need to sell my car radio, as I think my seven year old will soon realize Rhianna is not singing “sticks and stones may break my bones but I’m still full of excitment” … 😉
That was so cute, and unfortunately so true! Some things get better as they grow, but some of them get worse!My only hope is that I will be young enough to enjoy those things when they have left the nest (in 20 years). 😉
Very creative, true, and hilarious!
Just kidding. I love the idea. I used to prototype out board games all the time.
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