Every year I have a tradition of making New Year’s resolutions. Not for myself (everybody does that!) but for my children. Nothing motivates a child to be behave better more than being shamed on the internet, so here’s a list of new habits for Harlow to focus on in the new year.
Will she stick to them? Let’s just say, she’s got just as good a shot as you do with that detox you’re planning.
19 Resolutions I Wish My Three-Year-Old Would Make in 2016
1) I will stop demanding tissues when they are clearly sitting in a box right next to me. I am fully capable of pulling out a tissue and using it to wipe my nose all by myself.
2) While I’m at it, I will learn to properly blow my nose instead of making that noise with my mouth designed to fool my parents into thinking I am blowing my nose.
3) I will to be more excited about the prospect of potty training. For instance, the mere mention of sitting on the potty will no longer make me burst into tears and run screaming into the other room to cower in the corner while hugging a pack of diapers. I will pretend to be excited about stickers and think of a toy that will motivate me to start the process.
4) I will stop saying “I’m hungry” five minutes after my mom gives up and clears my half-eaten dinner. I know this will not result in dessert and will stop throwing a fit when sugary sweets are not promptly offered up as an alternative to protein and vegetables.
5) If I wake up before 7am, I will learn to enjoy lying in bed with my mom and dad instead of demanding they come into the kitchen immediately to make me breakfast.
6) I will expand my breakfast food options to include more than waffles and pancakes.
7) I will stop using the word “poop” every time I open my mouth. I’m sure there are other things to talk about if I just gave it some thought.
8) If I have had a nice time at school, with a babysitter, in the kid’s club at a hotel, etc. I will not burst into tears the second my mom walks into the room to fool her into thinking I have been treated horribly so that she never leaves me again.
9) I will let my mom pick my shoes and clothes. I understand she knows what is practical for the weather (like a coat when it is freezing) as well as what matches and I am probably better off trusting her fashion instincts (and temperature intelligence) as opposed to my own.
10) I will stop using my beloved blankie to cover my body and my chair during breakfast. If I cannot stop this behavior, I will stop getting mad when said blankie gets syrup on it. Obviously, this is inevitable.
11) I will use the iPad for educational games and videos and never watch that lady who opens the eggs again.
12) I will stay in my chair with my butt on the seat during the entirety of dinner, even if this goes against every grain of my being.
13) I will try to open my mind when eating food outside my home. For instance, just because a piece of chicken is made differently does not mean it is automatically terrible. Like my mom says, I don’t really know if I like it or not unless I try it. I will also attempt to ignore bits of green herbs on my food or small blackened areas of my chicken since they probably don’t render the entire meal inedible as I have always believed.
14) I will stop ruining special events (like my own birthday party) by throwing a fit unless my mom is holding me at all times. Who knows? A party planned completely with me in mind (from the Inside Out cake I asked for to the disco theme) could actually be fun if I gave it a chance.
15) I will not scream bloody murder every time my mom brushes my hair just because that’s what my sister does when my mom brushes hers. My sister has thick knotty hair that takes great effort to brush whereas my hair is stick straight, thin and knot-free. My screams are purely for effect and cause my mom more distress than they are worth.
16) I will learn to lie down still and quietly while my mom reads my bedtime books. Perhaps this will get me into a relaxed state as my mom always intends, instead of the ramped crazy person I end up becoming around bed time.
17) I will request books other than those within the Pinkalicious series.
18) I will cease all behaviors that make it impossible for me to fall asleep like dragging toys into bed after my mom leaves the room, role playing Rapunzel from Mazzy’s bunkbed, singing songs at the top of my lungs and continually leaving my room to announce “I’m not tired” even though I haven’t even bothered to test that theory by putting my head on my pillow.
19) A few nights a week, I will specifically request my dad’s companionship for bedtime routine and let my mom off the hook.
What should your kid’s resolutions be in 2016?
Each of these made me laugh out loud. I am forwarding this straight to my husband. Sometimes I think he thinks we alone with our daughter’s behavior!!
I have done the same and forwarded this to my husband! Ha-3 year olds ????
Harlow has her work cut out for her.
5 yo boy
1. I will stop choking the dog. And pulling his tail.
2. I will stop punching my sister in her private, or any other part of her body.
3. I will stop fighting for the middle spot in the bed next to Mommy.
4. I will allow mom to bathe me and stop running away from her like a maniac. I promise to stop blocking her from putting me in the bath by stretching my arms and legs.
5. I promise to expand my culinary horizons beyond mac & cheese.
I wish my almost two year old would stop fighting and whining at diaper changes. It’s been 22 months kid. It’s gonna happen!!
Omg the lady that opens the eggs!!! Argh do they like watching that?
Holy cow that is funny. I was thinking I’m so alone in my child’s questionable behavior, to put it nicely.
Today has been particularly awesome. I’m thinking nothing is ever going to be easy again.
Hahaha these are all on my 3 years old list too!! So funny!
You should try “the wet brush” on Mazzy’s hair… It is a hair brush game changer.
Amen to the wet brush. I never knew what a difference a brush could make. The wet brush is a life saver.
I watched the inside out egg video about 7 times today. As well as the one with the inside out nesting dolls. I loled when I read that one. We too, are on the YouTube kids play doh kick.
I love your blog, even though I am looking back on toddler trials and tribulations with fondness now that I am enduring teenage torture. Anyway, I wanted to suggest potty toys for getting started with potty training. We filled a tupperware bowl with a couple inches of warm water and put little squirt toys in it for my daughter to play with while she was sitting on the toilet. This made the time on the potty more enjoyable for her and the warm water sped up the process. This worked when nothing else did. Good luck!
I’ve got to try the warm water and squirt toys trick!
The egg lady has got to go this year in our house too. I can not take anymore of her. In our house we call her Princess play doh because of one video she made with all the Disney princesses. My daughter request this video everytime she sees someone with a laptop. We convinced her it only on mommy’s laptop so she would stop asking everyone to watch that video.
I am pretty sure that Harlow and my 3 1/2 year old daughter are the same child. And HELL YES to #9. I have been the one to help her get dressed in the morning (pretty much since birth) but I had to relinquish that duty to my husband recently because she has been giving me such a hard time. And I was losing my patience. Now when she throws a fit for him he understands what I’ve been going through! I still pick out her clothes but if she sees me picking them out she still gets mad. I can’t wait until she goes to Kindergarten – catholic school uniforms!!
I keep reminding myself that one of these days I will be happy that my child is so headstrong.
I thought my 3 year old son is the only one who loves the word “poop”. 🙂
Our 2yr old similarly needs to work on severing his relationship with the egg people then move on to choosing his cuddly at bedtime and sticking to it. The 5yr old needs to review the correlation between event and emotional response – physical pain merits full-on wailing, her brother sitting on the cushion she likes does not. The 7yr old is currently learning to filter what comes out of his mouth – just because it’s true, doesn’t mean it is helpful to the conversation.
All three desperately need to quit the poop talk because it’s been a looooong time now and it wasn’t funny first time round.
I love these posts. So much more satisfying than reviewing my own life.
My son watches that lady with the eggs too!
You make my family seem so normal.
Elie’s this year (2.75 YO) will be that she will stop taking every damned thing out of her dresser every night just for fun. Sigh.
A two and a half year old little boy here and I think his new years resolutions would be very similar to Harlow’s
1. You will learn that potty training is for your own good
2. With the purchase of a toddler sized table you will learn to eat a full meal at a table
3. You will learn that 6am is not the appropriate time to enter mom and dad room and demand cartoons and breakfast.
4. You will learn that the dog is for petting not for climbing on.
Number 15 is something I can laugh the loudest…Thank you for making laugh, might be a good sign for the rest of the days of the year. You made my day!
EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. For my 2 1/2yo. I’m telling you, 2 peas in a pod! This was totally hysterical and I totally relate. Glad I’m not the only one with a kid like yours. ????
Numbers 7 and 18 are on the list for my 2.5 year old. I need to do a post about all of the weird places he ends up sleeping when he’s trying to avoid sleeping!
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This is priceless. Its as if you live with my 3 year old. I love them all – especially 16 & 19! And be thankful Harlow only says poop all the time. Because mine has a 5 year old brother…so the 3 magic words are poop, penis and vagina. Yay me.
[…] Hilarious New Year’s resolutions for a 3-year-old. […]
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