Remember “Go the Fuck to Sleep
Wait. Is Adam Mansbach my husband’s pen name? Mike, is that you?
“You Have to Fucking Eat” has a lot of bad language. You know that because “fucking” is right there in the title. Fucking fucking fucking. There. Now, I’ve said it almost as much as Mike (aka Adam Mansbach).
In addition to a lot of fucking (not actual fucking, this book contains small children and that would be OBSCENE), Adam Mansbach delivers a lot of truth. Like, how kids won’t eat a lovely meal served at a restaurant, yet they will eat a dinner roll off the floor. Or the fact that parents end up eating all the leftover shit their kids won’t eat.
Yes, I had Harlow’s cold leftover eggs for breakfast and I ate a lone chicken finger over the trash for dinner. I am like George Costanza without the sweatpants. This is BAD.
Samuel L. Jackson read the audio version of “Go the Fuck to Sleep” and so, who better than to read “You Have to Fucking Eat” then Brian Cranston?
Here’s an excerpt:
Maybe Adam Mansbach’s third book will be “Wear Your Fucking Jacket” and then Steve Buscemi can do the audio version and the trilogy will be complete.
Want to win a copy of “You Have to Fucking Eat
I’ll pick my two favorite responses on Friday— one from the comments below and one from the comments on the Mommy Shorts facebook page.
Good fuck!
I mean— luck. Sorry.
The next book should surely be called Give Me Back My Fucking Phone!
narrated by Jack Nicholson. 🙂
“You Have to Wear a Fucking Coat!” Narrated by Meryl Streep
GET YOUR FUCKING FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE! (No! Don’t Eat That!!)
– read by Mandy Patinkin
Ha! “or prepare to die!”
Seriously how baddass would “Use Your Fucking Words.” Narrated by Liam Neeson be?!
That is going to be tough to beat!!!!
These are a close contest for me -lol
“Wash your fucking hands” Narrated by Bill Murray
“No, you don’t need a fucking bandaid” Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hurry the fuck up” Chealsea Handler
Best contest ever!!! Everyone’s suggestions have me rolling!
Mine was “Wake the fuck up” by Liam Neeson!
KEEP YOUR FUCKING DIAPER ON!
“Don’t want your diaper changed? Then sh*t on the f*cking potty!” Narrated by Ray Liotta
Minus the curse words, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said that this week!
“Time to use the F@cking potty”
-read by Billy Crystal, Zack Galefenackus, or Jack Black. I can’t decide!!! Eat, sleep, potty. The three universal things we do.
Wipe your fucking ass.
Tie your fucking shoes or Do your fucking homework. Narrated by Ice Cube or Jimmy Fallon
“Pick up your fucking toys” read by John Goodman.
STOP FUCKING DOING THAT narrated by Christopher Walken
Nice!
Go Ask Your Fucking Father sung by Julie Andrews in her best Maria von Trapp sing-song, perhaps to the tune of Doe, A Deer… (“NO, my darling little child. I won’t pick you up again. YOU are getting on my nerves. DAD has not seen you all day. SHIT, I need some coffee bad. GOD, please watch some more TV. FUCK I’m losing all my shit! And that brings us back to…NO!)
All the lol’s for that one. Total Winner!
Stop eating off the f*cking floor! Read by Tim Curry.
“We’re going to be f**king late” read by Michael J. Fox
Plain and simple “what the FUCK is that!” Read by Betty White
HA! This is the book I was thinking about. I think it’s pretty universal no matter what age your kids are.
Stop Shitting in Your Undies: The Toy Story Ones Were Really Fucking Hard To Find. Read by Amy Poehler.
Take a f**king bath-read by Christopher Walken
Because I fucking said so. Narrated by Bill Murray
“Santa’s not going to f***ing come if you don’t stop hitting your brother”
Read by Elmo and the cast of Sesame Street
“Daddy can touch them too, milk is not just for f*cking babies” read by Kevin Spacey
Definitely “Stop That Fucking Noise!” – narrated by James Earl Jones.
Stop Your Fucking Whining Narrated by Joe Pesci. Now that would be awesome!
Why the fuck are you crying? Narrated by Tom Hanks (Jimmy Dugan voice)
You can’t hit the fucking dog narrated by Neil Patrick Harris
Stop the babbling and just f***ing speak! narrated by Betty White 🙂
QUIT HAVING A FIT OVER FUCKING NOTHING: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ITS JUST A SMALL HOLE IN YOUR SOCK – NARRATED BY MICHELLE OBAMA
No idea why I managed to post I all caps. Although, I often feel like shouting that. Lol
You Have to go to Fucking School! Read by Michelle Obama
Put your fucking clothes on (clothes and weather) read by Christopher Walken.
“Put Your Fucking Shoes On”
Narrated by Robert Downey Jr.
STOP TOUCHING YOUR FUCKING BROTHER! Narrated by Louis CK
“Calm the fuck down” by The Rock
HA! Brilliant.
Clean Your F$*king Room! Narrated by Sir Sean Connery
What the fuck is going on in here? Read by William Defoe.
Don’t F*cking touch that! (It’s not yours)
Narrated by P!nk.
NO more f*cking questions. Narrated by James Earl Jones.
“No, we arent fucking there yet” by Morgan Freeman
Get the fuck out of my shit – Lisa Kudrow
Put the fucking dog down – Seth McFarlane
Fucking share – Whoopi goldberg
We don’t fucking bite – Owen wilson
“No! It’s MY fucking candy bar!”
Narrated by Melissa McCarthy
I would read this!
“Clean up your Fucking Mess!” Read by Jerry Seinfeld
“Hurry the F**k up!” read by David Attenborough
“Fuck this shit, I quit.”
Narrated by Julie Andrews, as Mary Poppins.
“Brush Your F*cking Teeth” narrated by Matthew Mcconaughey
“What the Fuck is in Your Mouth?” by Morgan Freeman
I have to agree with “Hurry the F**k up!” But read by Christopher Walken
“Sleep in your own fucking bed, ”
Narrated by Julia Roberts
Let Me Fucking Pee- Morgan Freeman
It’s just fucking water, now let me wash your fucking hair!
Because I Fucking Said So. Narrated by Meryl Streep.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP” SAMUEL JACKSON
All for boys. All read by Shaquille Oneil, because him in Shazam, more please…
Get your hands out of your fucking pants.
Pee in the fucking potty.
You can’t fucking wear shorts.
Stop fucking tackling your brother. And the dog. And me. And the neighbor’s cat. Okay, this last one may be a personal issue only my kid needs help with 🙂
It is obvious that this author only has a daughter and has forgotten his own boyhood. The next book needs to introduce a new word with, “Stop Playing With Your Dick.” One page needs to include, “I told you there would be traffic, it promised to be thick, yet you shunned the offered bathroom, so stop playing with your dick.”
Oh yeah….
Ooops, I forgot to mention that the only person classy enough to read such heady material is Dame Judi Dench
Put on Some Fucking Clothes- narrated by Sir Anthony Hopkins
“Watch your fucking tone!” Read by Robert De Niro (“Are you talking to me?”)
Be picked up or be put down, there’s no other fucking option – by Fran Drescher
“Quit Fucking Whining” narrated by Christopher Walken!
You’re Going to Fucking Hurt Yourself. Read by Morgan Freeman.
Why not “Stay in your own fucking bed” I don’t even know who should narrate. Maybe Ryan Gosling. Lol!
Going to repeat the “Put on your fucking shoes,” but narrated by Louis CK. http://youtu.be/7vRhr502wIc
“Pick Up Your F*cking Toys” Read by Gilbert Gottfried
“Brush Your F**king Teeth” read by Steve Martin aka the sadistic dentist from Little Shop of Horrors. 🙂
Stop being a tattling Bitch! read by Brad Pitt
“Put your Fucking shoes ON!” read by Christopher Walken
Where the F*ck Are Your Shoes? Read by Dan Stevens (of Downton Abbey Fame)
Keep Your F*cking Pants On! Read by Ian McKellan
I Don’t F*cking Know (So for F*cks Sake Stop Asking) Read by Patrick Stewart
“Stop being such a little asshole” read by Roseanne Barr.
Quit fucking stalling.
Narrated by the narrators of all narrators, Morgan Freeman.
“Stop fucking whining” read by Jeff Bridges.
What the fuck did you just say to me, kid? read by Robert DeNiro (Taxi Driver style)
If you don’t hold my fucking hand in the parking lot, a fucking car will kill you. Read my Michael C Hall (Dexter).
Go Ask Your Fucking Father sung by Julie Andrews in her best Maria von Trapp sing-song, perhaps to the tune of Doe, A Deer… (“NO, my darling little child. I won’t pick you up again. YOU are getting on my nerves. DAD has not seen you all day. SHIT, I need some coffee bad. GOD, please watch some more TV. FUCK I’m losing all my shit! And that brings us back to…NO!)
(Sorry if it seems like a duplicate, I accidentally posted it as a reply to one of the ones I liked above, then couldn’t make that version go away!)
“Don’t Drink F*cking Bathwater” narrated by Oprah
Do don’t need a fucking pacifier
*You
I agree with, “You don’t need a fucking band aid.” Except maybe I’d have it read by Steven Tyler 🙂
“Go play with your f^€/! $@ sibling!”
“Go play with your fucking siblings! ” read by Tina Fey
SIT the fuck DOWN in your fucking car seat.
No, don’t stand. Don’t roll around, screaming, while flexing every muscle in your body. Just fucking sit.
Narrated by Daniel Day Lewis
Stop Fucking Throwing Your Toys narrated by Adam Sandlar.
Dont shit your pants- read by William shatner
Or if fuck is necessary go in the fucking toilet- William shatner
Put on your fucking shoes – Sarah Silverman
Poop and Pee go in the Fucking Toilet – Gilbert Gottfried
(probably should be shit and piss, but I can really only handle one swear word per book title).
Because I fucking said so!
No! Stop! Don’t! Do you fucking hear me? -narrated by Adam Sandler
Take a fucking shower, (you stink!)
Take a fucking shower, (u stink!) Read by Jimmy Fallon
Clean your fucking room! Read by Sharon Osborn
Wash your fucking hands! Read by James Earl Jones
Get in the fucking house! Narrated by Tom Hanks!
Watch your fucking mouth! Courtney Love
Top 10 fucking house rules read by David Letterman!
Hands off your Fucking Penis narrated by Justin Timberlake
Pee in the the toilet not on the fucking floor narrated by Dame Judy Dench
Get off your DICK! Read by Dr. Phil
We are going to miss the fucking bus! Narrated by Elsa from frozen
“Keep your fucking clothes on”, narrated by Ozzy Ozbourne.
“That suit you want is not chucking cheap” narrated by Billy Dee Williams.
*shit not suit. Damon autocorrect.
Since I have teenage girls,where the fuck do you think you are going fucking dressed like that? Which could also include no you can’t have the fucking car keys and get a fucking job if you want a fucking iphone!!! Read by ??? Can’t think of who would be good…
Cheers for the information. I found it very helpful and I am really looking forward to seeing your posts in the future. Fantastic blog.
[…] when Samuel L. Jackson read the popular bedtime fable “Go the F**k to Sleep?” Then Brian Cranston read “You Have to F**king Eat” and I asked everyone to come up with the next book in the trilogy along with who would ideally read […]
Go the Fuck to the Bathroom!
(text along the lines of kids who don’t have to go before we go on the car trip/get on that LONG line at Disney then suddenly have to go at the most inconvenient time_
-Narrated by Lewis Black
“Go the Fuck to the Bathroom”
(for kids who don’t have to go before leaving the house to go on a long car trip or get on that long line at Disney, then suddenly have to go at the most inconvenient tiime)
Narrated by Lewis Black
Alternative title: “Please Just Fucking Pee!”
(references to the kitty using it’s box, the dog marking every tree and pole. The birds unloaded on my car. Why can’t you fucking pee?)