Blue Ivy Carter is what? Four days old? I am already sick of her. She’s like “How I Met Your Mother” in hopefully it’s final season. (Can’t Ted just meet the mother already so I can stop half-watching this increasingly stupid show???)
Beyonce was pregnant, then she was faking it. She had a c-section, then she gave birth naturally. Her security denied parents access to the NICU to see their newborns, then they did no such thing. And so on and so on.
The reports of gifts rolling in are all over the place. You’ve all read about the solid gold rocking horse ($600,000), but have you read about the Swarovski encrusted high chair ($15,000), the Swarovski encrusted newborn bathtub ($5,000), the Posh Tots magical windmill playhouse ($30,000), the Posh Tots Fantasy carriage crib ($22,000 or $40,000 depending on what you read) and the mini Bugatti (price available upon request)?
I actually feel like the mini Bugatti might be helpful in allowing Blue Ivy to navigate her enormous nursery. What child wants to crawl 2200 feet from their crib to their closet every morning?
I have also read that Beyonce and Jay-Z spent $360,000 to ensure that each nursery in each of their three homes is identical. That would stand to reason that Miss Blue Ivy has 6600 square feet of space to roll around in.
You know what else is 6600 square feet? Anna Kournikova’s entire house in Miami that she is currently selling for $9.4 million:
It all sounds so over-the-top ridiculous that I am beginning to question all of it. I mean, seriously. Who buys a playhouse and a car for a newborn?? And who in their right minds would have not one but TWO Swarovski encrusted baby items?
And isn’t it interesting how front and center Posh Tots is in all of this? Like maybe this was a really excellent PR plan? Wasn’t that carriage crib also the one that Mariah Carey reportedly bought?
Well, I’ve seen pictures of Mariah Carey’s nursery since she gave birth to her twins and that crib is nowhere to be found.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that celebrities throw away cribs on a daily basis like used diapers. You know, the baby pees through their cashmere PJs and instead of throwing the silk sheets in the wash, they just toss the whole damn thing and start over.
That would explain why there are also reports that Beyonce spent $3500 on a lucite crib from Vetro. But what kind of nursery design could possibly accomodate both a Posh Tots faux-antique carriage and an insanely modern lucite crib?
And don’t tell me that she has three nurseries in three separate homes because I already told you that she is planning on decorating them all identically!
At least that’s what has been reported.
Take it from someone who has done a bit of research— none of this adds up.
One thing is for sure. As the negative press continues to roll out, people are becoming more and more PISSED at the parents of this little bundle of excess. And if reports are being fabricated, who could possibly be behind them?
Here are three guesses as to who is the mastermind behind the “Babyonce Backlash”:
1. SURI CRUISE
Suri is the original celebrity baby diva. She thanked her lucky stars when Rachel Zoe popped out a boy so she wouldn’t have to compete with him on the fashion front. She laughed her ass off when Violet Affleck got glasses. She high fived her mom when Shiloh started dressing like Don Johnson. But Blue Ivy? That kid could be some real competition one day.
2. SOLANGE KNOWLES
Solange seems like a nice person. But it’s got to be TOUGH to grow up in Sasha Fierce’s shadow. I mean— Solange is a singer too, right? But can you name one song she has sang? At some point, it was rumored that Solange was going to join Destiny’s Child but then Beyonce up and left! And then on top of sis’s beauty and talent and solo success, she went off and married one of the largest music moguls on the planet. And if THAT wasn’t enough, it has been reported that Beyonce asked Solange to be in charge of wiping the numerous fingerprints off Blue Ivy’s lucite crib and REALLY—could you blame her?
I have absolutely no idea why Jay-Z would sabotage himself, his wife and his child. But it was HE who reportedly bought the solid gold rocking horse. It was also HE who released “Glory”, a song about Blue Ivy, just days after she was born. Which feels a little rushed, no? Couldn’t he have worked on it a bit longer? Maybe tightened up the lyrics a bit?
“You’re the child of my destiny, you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child, that’s some recipe…”
I must say, that although Jay-Z has received flack for the song, there is nothing sweeter than a dad losing every ounce of COOL the second he holds his baby in his arms.
Welcome to parenthood, Jay-Z. We watch bad television, wear sweatpants and eat dinner at our kitchen counters standing up.
We have also been known to do some crazy shit for our kids.
Now cash in that $600,000 rocking horse, give the money to the charity of your choosing and get your wife and child back some of their street cred.
But first, check on your baby.
I think she’s choking on a Swarovski crystal.