I remember the first time someone called their kids assholes in my comment section. It was funny in context but it also made me cringe a bit.
Of course, back then I had an innocent little baby.
It's a lot easier to associate the hole in my ass with a two or three-year-old, especially when I am still wiping hers on a regular basis. While she is screaming for snacks, mind you.
I still never use the word when writing about my girls, but I do appreciate that some parents do. They help me feel like I'm not alone in those moments when I want to lock my kids in the closet so I can reclaim free reign of my house.
We all have those moments, right? Even the moms who teach their kids how to macrame their own Halloween costumes while simultaneously planning their next bento box lunch?
Those moms must REALLY go off the deep end when their kids piss them off…
WHAT??!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT YOUR DINNER??? BUT I JUST SPENT FIVE HOURS ARRANGING YOUR KALE COMPOTE INTO THE SHAPE OF A DINOSAUR!!! AND THE ALMOND ENCRUSTED CHICKEN IS SITTING ON THE SEATS OF A MINIATURE FERRIS WHEEL WITH ACTUAL MECHICANICAL MOVING PARTS!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL, LITTLE FUCKER!!!!!!
Love her or loathe her, Baby Sideburns is a mom who tells it like it is. I'm also pretty positive she has never baked "I love you" notes into a batch of cupcakes or fashioned a vegetable into the shape of a bicycle. But she'll be the first to tell you, that doesn't mean she loves her kids any less.
If you don't know Baby Sideburns, she's the outrageously funny Karen Alpert and she's got the most hardcore bunch of facebook fans who will defend her sense of humor to the death.
In her new book, "I Heart My Little A-Holes", she starts by apologizing to her kids for not sharing more of the good stuff. The bad stuff is just funnier.
It's true. One time I took Harlow on a plane and she was great and it was super easy and I was like— well, what the hell am I gonna blog about NOW???
Karen talks about tons of taboo topics, none of which I ever touch upon in my blog. She opens with a chapter about her vagina, for godsakes.
SPOILER ALERT: She closes with one too.
In the middle, Karen doesn't sugarcoat parenthood. If anything, she strips parenthood of every bit of sweetness so that you expect the absolute worst and then are pleasantly surprised when your kids bring you a tiny bit of happiness.
Did I say "tiny bit of happiness"? I meant "mountain of joy", obviously.
I remember when I was pregnant with Harlow and we went out to dinner with a couple that had their second kid a few months prior.
"Be honest," I said. "How hard is it going from one to two?"
"It's fucking hell," she said.
Her husband nodded vigorously while my husband looked like he was about to pass out.
That was a scary moment. But we needed to hear it and it prepared us for what we were about to go through.
It WAS fucking hell. But it was also amazing. And blah blah blah I wouldn't have it any other way.
Everybody needs a Baby Sideburns in their life. A fellow mother who won't just be honest, but will make you laugh your ass off while you weep with relief that someone just shared a truth that nobody else dared to acknowledge. She'll probably also make you feel like a pretty decent mom in comparison.
But that's the beauty of Karen Alpert. I bet she's an awesome mom.
When she met Harlow, she looked like she might run away with her so she could have the amazingly awesome opportunity of raising…
ONE MORE LITTLE A-HOLE.
"I Heart My Little A-Holes" went on sale this week and is currently selling like hotcakes. I'm also giving away a signed copy in the comment section below.
You just have to do two things to enter.
1) Be a Mommy Shorts fan on facebook.
2) Complete this sentence: My kids is a little a-hole because…
FYI- If you can't answer the question, you should probably stay away from the book.
Winner will be announced on Friday, October 25th.
UPDATE: Congratulations to Kerry! FYI- Kerry's kid is an a-hole because she doesn't flush her poops. "One day there was a poop in every toilet. I don't even know how she was able to create that much! When I find one I'll ask if it's hers and she tells me 'no, Daddy left it' haha!"
A-hole, indeed. Please email me at ilana@mommyshorts.com to claim your prize!
Same here but time 3 .. How do they do this ??? Ninjas is right!
My kids a little a hole because currently he has picked up the habit of saying my name over and over a la Stewy on Family Guy – “mom, mom, mommy, mom” over. And over. And over. Until I want to take a pencil to my eardrums.
My kids are little a-holes because the oldest in 6th grade already has a bf, my 8 year old son is already a grown man and zones me out while watching his programming & my six year old daughter is still in pull-ups at night & in general a frikken hot mess ALL of the time! 😉 But they all have basically straight A’s in school, so I might be the a-hole….
My kids are little a-holes because..
I never get to go to a restaurant without checking out the bathrooms, usually twice.
My kid is a little A-hole simply because he is the spawn of my husband and I. We can be giant A-holes from time to time…
because… He’s just started withholding kisses and hugs when I want them most because it’s funny all of a sudden =(
My Kids A Little A-Hole Because…….
….He’s Beyond Spoiled By His Grandparents so He Expects Us To Give Him Anything And Everything!
…She’s Always Hitting And Scratching With Her Little Sharp Finger Nails Just To Get Your Attention!
…..When i Cuddle With Her She’ll Slap Me In The Face And Tell Me To Stop Breathing! Ugh!
….He Will Not Stay In His Bed! He’s Always Coming Into Our Bed, Then We Have To Put Him Back Lay With Him. And Just When You Think Your Safe It Happens All Over Again! ALL NIGHT LONG! AHHHHHH
…..because I tried taking a nap on the couch and he pulled off his diaper and peed on my back. Good afternoon, indeed.
because hes an angel at school but a monster at home.
My kids is a little a-hole because she chose today to be “Melt Down Day” and today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. Oh yeah, and she refuses to sing Happy Birthday to me, but she sang for Daddy on his birthday. Not. Fair.
My kid is a little a-hole because he is a carbon copy of me and his father combined. Watch. Out. World.
My children are a-holes because they can never behave well at the same time. If one is being good, the other is being an a-hole. I like to think that their yin/yang behavior keeps the earth in balance and is the reason gravity hasn’t reversed itself.
My kid is an a-hole because he waits till we are in the middle of dinner and then tells me he has to go poop and makes me wipe his stinky ass.
My kid is a little a-hole because he’s recently discovered Mommy doesn’t have a penis and apparently that is the END OF THE WORLD and I should get one ASAP otherwise I will never be able to pee and I will die.
My kid is a little a-hole because he was “super sure” he wanted to be the black Spiderman (venom?) for Halloween. Then he “promised” he really wanted to be iron man. Now that we have purchased two new Halloween costumes for him this year, he is telling me he thinks he want to be regular Spiderman – from last year. I guess I am an a-hole as well for allowing it.
My just-turned-four-year-old is a little a-hole because he thinks he rules the roost. Just this morning he refused to put on his winter coat because “it’s ugly” and has been starting sentences with “you better” or “you better not” — I’m like, dude, you’re not the boss!
My 19 month old is a a little a-hole because if I don’t pick him up the moment I get in from work he strips off his pants, poops and rubs it on the wall. Oh and he only calls me by my first name. ALL the time
My kid is a little a-hole because he won’t go to sleep without screaming for hours, and he knows how to climb over EVERY GATE imaginable to get out of his room. God, I miss sleep.
My kids is a little a-hole because…she shit all over my this morning 30 seconds before Daddy was supposed to take over.
My kids is a little a-hole because…he pisses in his sisters teapot bath toys while he is in the shower….he’s freakin’ 8!
My kids are little a-holes because my 2.5 year old will tell me that something’s gone after ever sentence. It drives me mental. And my 8 month old went back to needing a bottle at midnight. But I love ’em anyway!
My kid is a little a-hole because she always has to poop at the most horrible moments…and then screams (no matter where we are) “MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM Come wipe my butt!” lol
LOVE baby sideburns!!!
My kid is a little a-hole because …
he has figured out how to push EVERY single one of this momma’s buttons in his mere 4 years on this earth. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. But then has the ability to melt you with, “but I LOVE YOU mommy”.
My 3 year old is a little a-hole because she stole my iPad and wipes her boogers on the screen.
My kid’s a little asshole because when I bring her back gifts (yes two) from a conference I had to go to, (first time ever away from kids) she says “is this all?? It isn’t very much.” Ungrateful little brat…but I still missed her and her brother like crazy and the greeting she gave me still makes my heart happy. 🙂
My kids are little A-holes because the 2 year old constantly dumps her cereal bowl and other foods almost every day and she hits and pushes her baby sister, and the baby is an A-hole because she won’t sleep unless she has her own room, but we don’t have a separate room for her, so hubby and I are sleeping in the hallway while she takes over the master!
My kid is a little a-hole because he fights sleep like crazy, then wakes up crabby as heck and throws tantrums over stuff like me getting out of the shower before he got his socks on.
my kids a little A-hole because he always pulls my hair and he has recently started to hit, the little A-hole has never had a finger laid on him but hes decided its funny to hit mama. and hes almost 2 and still wont sleep through the night… not like i need sleep 😛
My kid is a little a-hole because….
She is just like me
My Kid is a little a-hole because he gives me this F-U face when I ask him to do/not do something that instantly pisses me off. and if I ask him again he just gets closer to my face with ‘the face.’
My kid is an a-hole because she looks at anyone, absolutely each new person she lays her eyes on including mom walking into the room, and cries. What?! Yes. Every. Time. Person sitting at picnic table? Yes. Grandma came over? Yes. Doctors office? Even yesser.
My kids are little a-holes because my six year old has gone through three schools in 2 years because he still throws tantrums when things don’t go his way, and my 4 year old is imitating him also thinks she is a hairdresser and cut off her own hair to the point she now has a RIhanna style.
Because I have to dress them in the mornings, because they leave everything everywhere, because they are kids and I love them
My kid is a little A-hole because..she makes me so frustrated i growl instead of yell and now she growls right back at me lol or because she wont play alone..she needs to have constant one on one attention and if im washing up i must stop and got “Shit dhere” and play with her or she’ll help (hinder) me and play in the water by pulling up a chair!! I feel less like an adult every day…p.s im 22 weeks pregnant also and my angel just turnt 2 last week. btw Baby sideburns rocks and i love how she tells it like it is.
Twin B is a little a hole because whenever he gets a treat he will whine, scream or cry because he changed his mind. His whine and cry button is stuck in the on position for everything…and I mean everything. He does indeed save his drama for his mama but mama don’t want it.
Twin A is a little a hole because he is into everything, ripping and breaking. He has some developmental delays and is in diapers when his peers have been potty trained for two years. He does the trick of pooping in a new diaper, the same trick that made his brothers a holes.
Big bro is a little a hole for taking his shoes off in the car so we can savor his foot odor. It is a combination of dog poop and moldy fritos. Only an a hole would have such stinky feet after six hours of shoe wearing. He also loves to yell at me for changing the radio stations, hands on the wheel mom! He loves to come sit by me just to say hi, he’s not being sweet, he’s letting loose with a silent but violent fart.
I hate that face! That and the I’ll do what I want face. I get that face when I ask them to stop and wait for me or to stop messing with something.. I get the kid turning in slow motion to look at me, they shoot me the do what I want face, kid goes back to whatever mischief. Both faces make me instantly and royally pissed off.
My kid is a little a-hole because she is 25 years old and still lives at home with a 5 year old little asshole of her own; two generations of little assholes under one roof is just too many little assholes! I’m sure she might think I’m the biggest asshole in the house, but that’s okay, I resemble the remark. 🙂
My 8 year old girl is an a hole because she acts so sweet at school and her teacher say she is the best student but at home for me she is a drama queen, snot and mean to all in the family. I asked her during her last melt down if she acts like that in school and she replied ” no just when I with you and dad.”
My kid is a little A-hole because she does the exact opposite of what you tell her to do. For example, Dad tells her not to feed her baby sister Cheezits because she will choke. What does she do two minutes later? Gives her a f’ing balloon! In two seconds flat the baby is choking and Dad is diving to save her life! He had to pull the balloon out of her throat! I still don’t know where the little Houdini pulled the balloon from. You would think that paramedics being at the house and her sister turning purple would stop her from giving her stuff, but no. I watched the little brat get a key off the hook in the kitchen and take it to her sister! It’s like she is TRYING to kill her! As if I didn’t have enough to do between work and four kids, I now have to watch the 3-year-old to keep her from killing her sister who, by the way, is the one all my hopes are on. She better not be an A-hole too or I am screwed!
My kid is a little a-hole because he’s starting to phase out his naps!! ARRRRG
My kid is a little a hole because he lifts my shirt up in public and I can’t feel it because of all my tiger stripes because he was a giant baby!
Because they’re not even born yet and already stressing me out!!!
My kids a little a-hole becauses a better negotiator than I am!!!
My kids a little a-hole because she waits until I lay down completely, snuggled into my body pillow and close my eyes before she starts screaming- no matter how long I wait, she times it to interrupt body pillow snuggle bliss.
My kids is a little a-hole because he decided that as soon as baby #2 came he would regress and wake EVERY 45mins-1hour EVERY.MOTHER. LOVING.FU€K!NG. NIGHT!!!! Ok so this has passed for now (and by that I mean my husband is now sleeping in his room lol) . And now he wakes up around 6am give or take a few. The only reason I didn’t completely lose my freaking mind , was that baby number 2 (aka Cambear ) is a good sleeper (so fucking far) he is now referred to as “the GOOD one ” lol THANK.GAWD.FOR.DO-OVERS!!!
My kid is a little a-hole because when she acts like a little turd she says she’s doing it “to help you be a better parent”! Too smart for her own good!!
My kid is a little a-hole because he refuses to go to sleep before midnight, even when he hasn’t napped all day and is tired and cranky. Also because he wakes up his baby brother after I just spent an hour getting him to fall asleep. There’s like 100 more reasons, but those are just mine for tonight. I hate bedtime!!
My 5 year old twin boys are a-holes because their existence is lifestyles of the rich & famous…YET when we do fun stuff (all the time), before we even leave, they want to know “where are we going fun next?”. When I tell them, um we JUST LEFT Fun World & saw Monsters University, it’s time to go home”, they act like someone just shot their arm off!
My kid is a little a-hole because she calls me at work to ask me stupid questions when she could ask her dad who is sitting across the room on the couch.
My kid is an a-hole because he’s a dang ninja! Things I have walked in on him doing: THOROUGHLY lubricating himself and his bedroom with Vaseline. Drawing a self portrait, on my bathroom cabinet door, with a sharpie. Flushing a roll of toilet paper, unrolled, down the toilet. Painting his bedroom walls with poop. I could go on, but it just gets more disgusting.
My kid is a little a-hole because he miraculously got ahold of an ink pen and drew all over the seats of my brand new car BEFORE I’ve even made the first payment on it. Mind you this is somehow UNDER the seat protector cover I spent a whopping 10 bucks on.
my kids aren’t little a-holes…their ASSHOLES! They whine,cry,fight constantly, expect me to GUESS what they wanted to wear to school the night before because when i ask them they ignore me, they tell me what they’d like for dinner (after asking repeatedly asking) and then when dinners ready they swear thats not what they said they wanted! And mornings? Pure hell…first of all i have to start waking the little ASSHOLES up at 5:30 so they’re up by 7….by the time they hit the bus stop at 8 my voice is gone! I could go on all day long telling you why my kids are assholes!