I remember the first time someone called their kids assholes in my comment section. It was funny in context but it also made me cringe a bit.
Of course, back then I had an innocent little baby.
It's a lot easier to associate the hole in my ass with a two or three-year-old, especially when I am still wiping hers on a regular basis. While she is screaming for snacks, mind you.
I still never use the word when writing about my girls, but I do appreciate that some parents do. They help me feel like I'm not alone in those moments when I want to lock my kids in the closet so I can reclaim free reign of my house.
We all have those moments, right? Even the moms who teach their kids how to macrame their own Halloween costumes while simultaneously planning their next bento box lunch?
Those moms must REALLY go off the deep end when their kids piss them off…
WHAT??!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT YOUR DINNER??? BUT I JUST SPENT FIVE HOURS ARRANGING YOUR KALE COMPOTE INTO THE SHAPE OF A DINOSAUR!!! AND THE ALMOND ENCRUSTED CHICKEN IS SITTING ON THE SEATS OF A MINIATURE FERRIS WHEEL WITH ACTUAL MECHICANICAL MOVING PARTS!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL, LITTLE FUCKER!!!!!!
Love her or loathe her, Baby Sideburns is a mom who tells it like it is. I'm also pretty positive she has never baked "I love you" notes into a batch of cupcakes or fashioned a vegetable into the shape of a bicycle. But she'll be the first to tell you, that doesn't mean she loves her kids any less.
If you don't know Baby Sideburns, she's the outrageously funny Karen Alpert and she's got the most hardcore bunch of facebook fans who will defend her sense of humor to the death.
In her new book, "I Heart My Little A-Holes", she starts by apologizing to her kids for not sharing more of the good stuff. The bad stuff is just funnier.
It's true. One time I took Harlow on a plane and she was great and it was super easy and I was like— well, what the hell am I gonna blog about NOW???
Karen talks about tons of taboo topics, none of which I ever touch upon in my blog. She opens with a chapter about her vagina, for godsakes.
SPOILER ALERT: She closes with one too.
In the middle, Karen doesn't sugarcoat parenthood. If anything, she strips parenthood of every bit of sweetness so that you expect the absolute worst and then are pleasantly surprised when your kids bring you a tiny bit of happiness.
Did I say "tiny bit of happiness"? I meant "mountain of joy", obviously.
I remember when I was pregnant with Harlow and we went out to dinner with a couple that had their second kid a few months prior.
"Be honest," I said. "How hard is it going from one to two?"
"It's fucking hell," she said.
Her husband nodded vigorously while my husband looked like he was about to pass out.
That was a scary moment. But we needed to hear it and it prepared us for what we were about to go through.
It WAS fucking hell. But it was also amazing. And blah blah blah I wouldn't have it any other way.
Everybody needs a Baby Sideburns in their life. A fellow mother who won't just be honest, but will make you laugh your ass off while you weep with relief that someone just shared a truth that nobody else dared to acknowledge. She'll probably also make you feel like a pretty decent mom in comparison.
But that's the beauty of Karen Alpert. I bet she's an awesome mom.
When she met Harlow, she looked like she might run away with her so she could have the amazingly awesome opportunity of raising…
ONE MORE LITTLE A-HOLE.
"I Heart My Little A-Holes" went on sale this week and is currently selling like hotcakes. I'm also giving away a signed copy in the comment section below.
You just have to do two things to enter.
1) Be a Mommy Shorts fan on facebook.
2) Complete this sentence: My kids is a little a-hole because…
FYI- If you can't answer the question, you should probably stay away from the book.
Winner will be announced on Friday, October 25th.
UPDATE: Congratulations to Kerry! FYI- Kerry's kid is an a-hole because she doesn't flush her poops. "One day there was a poop in every toilet. I don't even know how she was able to create that much! When I find one I'll ask if it's hers and she tells me 'no, Daddy left it' haha!"
A-hole, indeed. Please email me at ilana@mommyshorts.com to claim your prize!
My kids is a little a-hole because she drew all over the walls right after I painted them and only a few days before we were to move out.
My kids is a little a-hole because…he’s 6, still feels the need to sleep in our room, and still refuses to wipe his own butt. Really?!?
my kid is a little a-hole because she either wakes me up too early – or oversleeps so that i’m late for work. but i love her anyway!
My kids is a little a-hole because she always waits for me to be in the middle of a meal before she frantically tells me she has to go potty… and then when we get there she starts playing the what’s that game and doesn’t really have to go…
because when he doesn’t get what he wants…or even just wants to make himself known, he does this awful high-pitched screech that is like nails on a chalk board! But he does it with the cutest damn smile….grrrrrr
my 5 year old is a little a-hole because he behaves ‘perfectly and politely, saying ‘please and thank you’ for all of his friends’ parents on playdates. but for us, he’s a little terror with a trail of toys in his destruction path that constantly demands milk.
My three-month-old daughter is not a little a-hole yet, but her dad can be a real pain in the butt, so I’m expecting it to kick in any day now.
My kid is a little a-hole because… he waits until his diaper is removed to turn into a psycho toddler ninja and escape to the corner of the room… and pee on the carpet.
My kids is a little a-hole because no matter how many times she poops on the toilet i still have to wipe her butt. If i don’t, she will just pull up her pants and go about her day. Shit and all.
My kid is an a-hole because he takes after his a-hole father. They are the exact same a-hole all adorable and shiz. I am like the Abigail Adams of a-holes over here. Thanks for the vent.
My almost two year old is an ahole because he has to eat every thing I have. Even when that means pouring my iced coffee all over himself so he can have a drink!
mine does the “please and thank you” thing too. except she uses it against me. me: “time to clean up your toys”. her: “no thank you”. LOL
My kid is a little a-hole because she screams bloody murder when dad “disappears”. Mom (me) could fall off the edge of a cliff never to be seen again and she’d have no f’s to give.
My kids are little a-holes because my 7 year old thinks he can get away with acting like the 1 1/2 year old sometimes, and the toddler thinks she’s invincible and has an extremely short pain memory. I try to keep close tabs on her climbing and running amok to minimize injuries, but with the 7 year old distracting me by throwing fits about every little thing, the occasional fall or bump is inevitable. Yet after about 30 seconds of crying, she’s right back at it again. Also, they both hog my bed. Mind you, they have their own beds, and the 7 year old has been able to get himself to sleep just fine since he was weaned at 2, but he still either sneaks back in or just conks out in my bed unexpectedly. Then it’s all gangly legs and pointy elbows disrupting sleep for me and my daughter all night. More me than her though, of course. Still, I love them the way they are!
My kid is a little whole because he’s 3 and rarely sleeps through the night. I feel like I’m going to die.
My kid is an a-hole because if she doesn’t like panties I laid out for her to west she throws a giant tantrum and then five minutes later outs them on and claims they are her favorite.
My kid is a little a-hole because he wipes his boogers in my hair and laughs.
My twins are a holes because they are the whiniest 4year olds on the planet, they always want, no expect, something new, and they torment their little sister because they think it is funny to make her scream.
My singleton is an a hole because she screams, I mean from the deepest darkest depths of her soul screams, and has all day long tantrums of anything/everything/nothing. EVERYTHING with her is a battle and harder than it should ever be. She is bossy and mean and this kid won’t be three until next week. If she makes it to her third birthday it will be by the grace of god and the constant reminder that I would look awful in prison orange.
My girls are little a-holes because they have this sibling pact where if one of them is in a decent mood, the other one is whiny and grumpy. They take turns. And we love them anyway!
She knows she’s not suppose to feed the dogs from her high chair and does it anyways. At the same time smiling at me because she knows it’s naughty.
My kids are little a-holes because they are smarter than I am and pretty much never give me a moment of calm all day long. They are really cute though.
My kids are a-holes because they can hear a candy wrapper from down the hall, in a closed laundry room, under a blanket, but amazingly enough can’t hear when I tell them to put their underwear on from a foot away…at least a dozen times.
My kid is a little a-hole because she tucks away curse words that she has heard and repeats them at the most embarrassing times… Like this weekend when my dad and sister were visiting from out of state and she decided that the conversation happening around her was “BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!” FML!
My kid is a little a-hole because she even though she goes potty on her own at her care provider’s, for some reason she needs help wiping her bum when going potty at home. Obviously I am an enabler and the worse mother ever for putting up with this. 🙂
My kids are aholes because one talks back to me on a daily fucking basis and has since she was 2-she is 13 now, so the real fun is just beginning and the other instigates his sister to that she has one more excuse to talk back to me.
My kid is a little a-hole because he absolutely cannot resist the “If you do that one more time, you’re going to your room/never seeing it again/not having dessert/or whatever” challenge. Even when it’s something he desperately wants, he has to push that button.
My kid is a little a-hole because she’s 3. Oh, you wanted specifics…cause she pulls all the toilet paper off the roll, like a cat, and then cries that its on the floor. Or because she will not go to bed before reviewing 879764355 animal sounds…or because she still tries to ride the dog like a mini horse (sorry Wiley).
My kid is a little a-hole because she (8y/o) finds it hilarious to mock her sister (12y/o) until she drives her to the brink of insanity and then laughs hysterically and runs away.
My kid is an ahole because she drops her food on the floor….on purpose!
Because when he wants something he doesn’t ask… He screams like he is being eaten by lions and makes you figure out why.
My 3 year old is a little a-hole because he refuses to eat dinner every single night even though we make things that he said he loved the last time he ate them. every.single.day.
My kids is a little a-hole because he usually only sleeps in on work days when we have to get up at 6 a.m. anyway!
My little 2 yr old bondle of joy is an a-hole because she waits until I put her on the toilet and entretain her for 30 minutes to do nothing, then give her a bath, put her PJs and a clean diaper then is when she decides to do her business! Gotta love her.
My kid is a little a-hole because when my husband and I returned from a 10 day trip and I was was bouncing off the walls with excitement to see him, he would have nothing to do with me – only wanted to go to my husband. HELLOOOO – I carried him for 9 months, went through 18 hours of labor to bring him into this world and then he make me feel like the world’s crappiest mom in baggage claim when he acts like I’m about to kidnap him.
My kid is a little a-hole because after a long night at work all I wanna do is cuddle with my baby and take a nap together when she gets so damn excited that she swings her arm, repeatedly beating me in the face. She proceeds by then grabbing both sides of my face, gumming my nose while digging her wolverine claws into my cheeks. As soon as I get free of that grip, she’s ripping chunks of my hair out! I can’t win with this kid, I just want to toss her after that. Lol
My 3.5 year old boy is a little a hole because he only sleeps in on days when he sleeps at Nana and Grandpa’s or when I have to wake up at 5am to commute to work.
My kids are a-holes because they’re both cranky and won’t go to bed the nights their dad is working late and I have no help!
My 6 year old is an A-hole because he can exploit any loophole I have when telling him to do something. I say stop punching your brother he will start kicking him and tell me I just said stop hitting; or I will tell him to lay down in his bed he will lay with his feet on his pillows just to be difficult! Sometimes I think he is smarter than me, but what makes me so mad makes me so proud of how smart he is!!
because her teacher and daycare providers CAN’T SAY ENOUGH about how much of an angel she is at school and daycare and how she helps EVERYONE else and she’s so clean and perfect and helpful and blah blah blah. BUT take her home for an hour….and you’ll see why those comments piss me off so much. She’s NOTHING like that at home, that’s for sure.
My kids is a little a-hole because…she tosses all of her food off her highchair tray so that the dog will come entertain her at dinnertime.
My kids a re little a-holes because all 4 of them insist on screaming and running around in our house…. knowing the 4 dogs will follow and bark even louder than their screams!
My little kid (who is also 3(seems to be a common theme)) is an a-hole because he demands to be carried everywhere and will whine and scream until my ears bleed. And then he will whine and scream some more. . . . and more. about whatever. But I love him more than anything!
Because I dread nighttime even more than I did when we had newborns, and my daughter is 2 1/2! She is like a cuckoo clock, waking at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5….UGGGHHHH!
My laid is a little ahole because he is a little f$cker that just turned one who decides to wake up 7 times a night to do yay I’m awake for the last three months!
I have 2.5 year old twins (aren’t all 2.5 year olds a-holes?) and a 6 month old baby.
My son is a little a-hole because he regularly pick-pockets the nannies at our local playground. He runs away with the cell phones he lifts from their diaper bags and strollers.
my daughter is a little a-hole. She loves to spit her water into any receptacle she can find: my shoes, dada’s cell phone dock, every. single. lego, the DVD drive in my laptop, if it can be filled with water she will fill it.
My baby isn’t really an a-hole yet. Well actually if you catch me at about 2am at the third of his 6 overnight feedings (yeah you read that right) you might catch me calling him one.
My three year old is an whole because he’s rude and bossy. He throws the biggest tantrum your ever seen in your life and declares “I’m not your best friend anymore.” His other favorite phrase is “MAMA! Brother told me no!” And I want to respond Well that sucks doesn’t it? Because you tell me no at least 234 times a day.
My kid is a little a-hole because when I give her the choice between 2 outfits, she picks one and then after I’m dressing her she insists on the other one.
My kid is a little a-hole because he likes to finger paint so much, that he decided to finger paint his bedroom walls, bed and himself….with the poop from his diaper.
My kid is a little a-hole because…he is 2 and he still wakes me up at 3am in the morning, almost every night
My daughter is an a-hole because she knows she’s the Princess (yes, with a capital P)…she’s bossy, demanding, and throws the ultimate tantrums…and she’s only 18 months old.
My kid is a little ahole because she simultaneously crosses her arms, stomps her foot, makes a stink face, AND does this snort type thing that shoots boogers out her nose EVERY time we tell her she can’t have something!
Both my 4 year old twins can be a-holes. My son is a little a-hole when he’s NOT TIRED – wanna play longer – NOT TIRED – stay in the bath longer – NOT TIRED – need more stories – NOT TIRED – glass of water!! – give Mommy a hug – No, Mommy – I’m too tired.
My kids are little a-holes because they are normal 9, 8, 2, and 1 year olds with a southern loud voice and an attitude 24/7. Who like to sleep in on weekdays and wake up even earlier on weekends.
My kid is an a-hole because I think he somehow stopped my last comment from posting. Unfortunately, that’s not the first time. Or the second.
My kids are BOTH little a-holes, because when i’m crying in the bathroom, or taking a poop, they are banging on the door asking for snacks. when their dad is in the other room watching TV! Also when i’m yelling at them, the 2 year old says I love you mama. RIGHT when i’m starting to loose my schmidt.
My kid is a little a-hole because…he insists on running around in circles and making me catch him before he’ll go to bed. If I catch him, he says, “No, no, no! You have to CATCH me!!” 😐
because he demands something and upon being presented with demanded item he screams he doesn’t want it!
My kid’s are little assholes because they take turns waking me up for stupid shit like wanting their covers pulled back up.
I have the EXACT SAME PROBLEM! teachers keep telling me how awesome and well behaved he is and then bang, we go home and he unleashes the beast within…
My kids a little a-hole because she’s a teenager and she makes fun of the way I do EVERYTHING! I think just because she’s a teenager is probably enough.
because my just turned 3 yr old asks me “Why do I do everything wrong all the time” even though I work so hard to make sure its all right.
My kid is a little A-hole when he flips onto his stomach when I try to change him. Fine, be naked.
My two year old daughter is an a-hole because as soon as I unwrap the blue granola bar she requested, she screams that she wanted the RED ONE!
My kids are little a holes because the almost 4 year old flooded my bathroom yesterday, the 5 year old can’t stay in her own darn bed,every f—ing night and the 7 year old thinks he can be “in charge of” “the kids”. Dude, you’re 7. You aren’t even in charge of your own bladder.
My kid is an a-hole because he laughs when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to, he tells me “me’s in trouble”, and he puts himself in the time out spot, all while smiling at me like an idiot. God I love 2 year olds!
My kid is a little a-hole because he is probably the most ego-centric kid I’ve ever met. His brother isn’t like that, so I have no idea where we went wrong.
My kids are A-holes because they whine all the time!
My kids is a little a-hole because when he is done with his dinner they way he tells us by throwing his food on the floor.
Because she’s two and STILL doesn’t sleep through the night. My husband’s had to wake me up in her bed the past three mornings.
my seven year old is a little a-hole because she refuses to go to bed and then wakes up in a horrendous mood in the morning with a rats nest head of hair which she then screams in pain over when I try and brush it out in time to get to school. My three year old is an a-hole because she also will not wipe her own ass, without special wipes. If we are out, she will walk around the house with her pants down until someone wipes her.
My 4 year old (5 in December) STILL does that. we need to band together.
My kid is a little a-hole because he just turned 1 & still doesn’t sleep, EVER it seems!!!
This just made my day
My kids is a little a-hole because he decided to “trim” his eyebrows with scissors the night before school picture day. And by trim, I mean completely gone!
Because he refuses to sleep past 5am!
My kid(s) is/are little a-holes because of genetics passed down on their father’s side. Guess from which side their genius hails?
My kid’s a little a-hole because if he doesn’t get his way he knocks EVERYTHING off of the closest surface to him. That’s frequently my hot coffee. Onto me. Some days I think it would be easier just to pour hot coffee onto myself than to fight with him about NOT putting his hand into my coffee and then watching as he knocks it over. (Lids only encourage this fight.)
My kid is a little a-hole because he bites my nipples and twists his head so I get a horrible titty twister.
My kid is a little a-hole because he only eats his veggies at daycare.
My kid is a little a-hole because he smells my shoes and says ew in front of people… mainly because I taught him how to do that with his shoes so he does it for EVERY SHOE.
Ooops did you say three or one?
My little kid is an a-hole because she painted my new brown leather couch with neon nail polish.
My little kids are a-holes because even with full bellies, warm baths (that they never want to end), a library full of bedtime stories, back rubs, lullabies and the sweet whispers of mommy-kid pillow talk… they won’t go to sleep! Sometimes a cast iron frying pan over their sweet little heads will work. But only sometimes.
My kids (3&6) are little a-holes because, simply stared, they act like their Daddy! :-/
My kid is a little a-hole because he will only eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday for lunch and supper. And he won’t poop in the potty! And when he doesn’t like what I tell him, he says “Mommy, you’re not beautiful anymore and you don’t love me!” But I still do! 🙂
My kids are little a-holes because they siphon my enery and use it against me. Running through my house like crazed lunatics on meth.
My son is a little a-hole because he has my temper and his father’s hard head.
My kid is a little a-hole because whenever I break down and let her sleep in the bed with me and Dad, she rolls around all night, sticks her feet in my face, kicks me, and then climbs back into her own bed at 5am because I wouldn’t give her all 3 pillows.
My kid is a little A-hole because he will only eat peanut butter sandwiches and mandarin oranges. Everything else gets fed to the dog, thrown at me (literally AT ME) and gently placed on the kitchen floor, and by gently placed I mean thrown at such force that I have hamburger pieces permanently imbedded into my laminate.
My kids are little a-holes because they peeled paint off half of their bedroom wall in our apartment, pulled down a towel rack, colored on the walls, destroy new toys in .002 seconds, and have WAY too much energy for 5 a.m.
My kids they always gang up on me and act like a-holes when they know I’m in the worst mood.
My kid is a little a-hole because his favorite words right now are “fucking meatball” and “poop butt”- over and over and over. Yes, I know, the “fucking” part is my fault.
My kid is a little a-hole because…she likes to wait until we’re out in public to act like an a-hole, then when I simply ask if she wants a spankin’, she screams “NOOO MOMMA! DON’T BEAT ME PLEASE! I love you!” She’s 2 :/
as soon as I step into the house from work, they start fighting and I hear, they’ve been good all day… of course, they only do this to me!
That sounds like some convos I’ve had with my 2 year old 🙁 and again, totally my fault…
My kid is a little a-hole because she won’t listen to a word that comes out of my mouth, and the other is no joy because she still pees and craps her pants at 6 years old. AND she is a cognitively average typically developing kid.
In other news, I am one of 4 kids and (unintentionally or intentionally depending on who you ask) my parents gave us first names that in order spell BRTS, fyi, the only letter we all have in common is A 🙂
My kids are little a-holes because they’re half me and half their dad. Seriously, I couldn’t have expected less.
My kid is an a-hole because everyday he comes home with some type of poop in his pants. Won’t poop at home, but he will everyday at school. And refuses to wipe. He’s only 4 so hopefully by the time he’s a teenager this will stop. Unfortunately by then I’m sure there will be other stains in his underwear that I don’t even want to think about yet. Ugh.
My kid is a little a-hole because he always has a freaking answer for everything. Never can he just say “yes mom.” Never. Worst part? He is 7 years old and more than half the time, he’s right. The best I can come up with is, “because I said so, that’s why.” F’ing A-hole.
My kids is a little a-hole because…
he’ll whine and carry on for one of those puffy snacks and then when I put it in his mouth he immediately pushes it out with his tongue.
I’ll change his diaper and then 20 minutes later when I pick him up to walk out the door he’ll decide to take a massive poop.
he’ll make that pppbbbbttthhhh noise for 30+ minutes at a time and get himself and everything around him soaked, but I never try to stop him b/c he looks so happy and adorable.
If we try to watch TV, he’ll “talk” at the top of his lungs, non-stop.
My almost 3 year old is an ahole with entitlement issues. “I need a cookie,” he says. That escalates into, “Get me a cookie, mommy!” When I tell him that I am not inclined to give cookies to little boys that can’t ask nicely, it turns to, “Please can I have a cookie?” If the answer is no, he responds, “But I need one, mommy.” And we start the cycle over. Sigh.
My kids are little a-holes cuz they never quit fighting.
My kid is a little a-hole because he just randomly decided he didn’t want to be potty trained anymore and emptied his bladder on my good sofa…two days in a row (he had to get both cushions). I know…it’s my fault for wanting to have nice things. I thought my arm would fall off steam cleaning those things. He’ll be allowed to sit on the sofa again when he’s 30.