Of course, back then I had an innocent little baby.
It's a lot easier to associate the hole in my ass with a two or three-year-old, especially when I am still wiping hers on a regular basis. While she is screaming for snacks, mind you.
I still never use the word when writing about my girls, but I do appreciate that some parents do. They help me feel like I'm not alone in those moments when I want to lock my kids in the closet so I can reclaim free reign of my house.
We all have those moments, right? Even the moms who teach their kids how to macrame their own Halloween costumes while simultaneously planning their next bento box lunch?
Those moms must REALLY go off the deep end when their kids piss them off…
WHAT??!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT YOUR DINNER??? BUT I JUST SPENT FIVE HOURS ARRANGING YOUR KALE COMPOTE INTO THE SHAPE OF A DINOSAUR!!! AND THE ALMOND ENCRUSTED CHICKEN IS SITTING ON THE SEATS OF A MINIATURE FERRIS WHEEL WITH ACTUAL MECHICANICAL MOVING PARTS!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL, LITTLE FUCKER!!!!!!
Love her or loathe her, Baby Sideburns is a mom who tells it like it is. I'm also pretty positive she has never baked "I love you" notes into a batch of cupcakes or fashioned a vegetable into the shape of a bicycle. But she'll be the first to tell you, that doesn't mean she loves her kids any less.
If you don't know Baby Sideburns, she's the outrageously funny Karen Alpert and she's got the most hardcore bunch of facebook fans who will defend her sense of humor to the death.
In her new book, "I Heart My Little A-Holes", she starts by apologizing to her kids for not sharing more of the good stuff. The bad stuff is just funnier.
It's true. One time I took Harlow on a plane and she was great and it was super easy and I was like— well, what the hell am I gonna blog about NOW???
Karen talks about tons of taboo topics, none of which I ever touch upon in my blog. She opens with a chapter about her vagina, for godsakes.
SPOILER ALERT: She closes with one too.
In the middle, Karen doesn't sugarcoat parenthood. If anything, she strips parenthood of every bit of sweetness so that you expect the absolute worst and then are pleasantly surprised when your kids bring you a tiny bit of happiness.
Did I say "tiny bit of happiness"? I meant "mountain of joy", obviously.
I remember when I was pregnant with Harlow and we went out to dinner with a couple that had their second kid a few months prior.
"Be honest," I said. "How hard is it going from one to two?"
"It's fucking hell," she said.
Her husband nodded vigorously while my husband looked like he was about to pass out.
That was a scary moment. But we needed to hear it and it prepared us for what we were about to go through.
It WAS fucking hell. But it was also amazing. And blah blah blah I wouldn't have it any other way.
Everybody needs a Baby Sideburns in their life. A fellow mother who won't just be honest, but will make you laugh your ass off while you weep with relief that someone just shared a truth that nobody else dared to acknowledge. She'll probably also make you feel like a pretty decent mom in comparison.
But that's the beauty of Karen Alpert. I bet she's an awesome mom.
When she met Harlow, she looked like she might run away with her so she could have the amazingly awesome opportunity of raising…
ONE MORE LITTLE A-HOLE.
"I Heart My Little A-Holes" went on sale this week and is currently selling like hotcakes. I'm also giving away a signed copy in the comment section below.
You just have to do two things to enter.
1) Be a Mommy Shorts fan on facebook.
2) Complete this sentence: My kids is a little a-hole because…
FYI- If you can't answer the question, you should probably stay away from the book.
Winner will be announced on Friday, October 25th.
UPDATE: Congratulations to Kerry! FYI- Kerry's kid is an a-hole because she doesn't flush her poops. "One day there was a poop in every toilet. I don't even know how she was able to create that much! When I find one I'll ask if it's hers and she tells me 'no, Daddy left it' haha!"
A-hole, indeed. Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your prize!