Baby crying analyzers are in the news due to a new tool that could possibly help detect serious health issues in newborns. If it works, that could be great news for ailments where early detection is key to treatment.
But baby crying analyzers are nothing new. The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer was introduced a few years ago and although not as advanced as the new technology, can still supposedly tell whether your baby is stressed, annoyed, bored, sleepy or hungry.
Well, that all sounds well and good, but what am I supposed to do if my baby is "stressed"? Tell her to work it out in a kick boxing class? What about "annoyed"? Tell my mother to stop calling her? I don't think these options are nearly specific enough.
Show me an analyzer that can detect the reasons for crying below and we'll talk. Here are the top 21 reasons my baby cries that the analyzer is missing:
1. Oh My God! A stranger is holding me! A stranger is holding me! A stranger is holding me! What's that you say? It's my own father? Oh. My bad.
2. I'm hungry but that doesn't mean you can just stick a bottle in my face. SHOW ME SOME BOOBIES!!!
3. I'm hungry but that doesn't mean you can just stick a boob in face. Especially when I've grown accustomed to those amazingly taut bottle nipples while you're at work!
4. Tummy time really blows.
5. STOP PUTTING ME IN THIS CRADLING POSITION. I KNOW THAT MEANS YOU ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO FALL ASLEEP.
6. What the fuck is this mashed veggie bullshit??? I SEE YOU EATING BACON ON A BISCUIT OVER THERE!!!
7. Uh-oh. I've stood up and I can't lie down!
8. She's leaving the room. She's leaving the room. She's leaving the room. GASP. She left. SHE'S NEVER COMING BAAAAAAAAAAACCCK!!!!!!!!!! Oh. She's back. Phew.
9. That BITCH keeps stealing my toys and claiming they were HERS before I got here. WTF? Like there was life before I got here?! Pfffffft.
10. Why do you insist on removing the carpet lint every time I successfully get it into my mouth??? All my hard work for NOTHING!
11. That draining sound is TERRIFYING.
12. I HATE THE CARSEAT! I HATE THE CARSEAT! I HATE THE CARSEAT! I HATE THE CARSEAT!
13. You know what's worse than the carseat? Being in the carseat and then THE CAR STOPPING. Is it a red light? Traffic? Road construction? I CAN'T HANDLE BEING IN A CAR AND NOT MOVING AT THE SAME TIME!!!
14. Hear that sound? That's the sound of my pacifier falling through the crib slats AGAIN.
15. This is what you get for taking me to a restaurant with only a small plastic baggie full of Puffs that I finished in .02 seconds.
16. Don't you GET IT??? Life is so much better when YOU'RE HOLDING ME!!!!
17. Oh no. You're not going to like this but— IT'S. UP. THE. BACK.
18. NOT THE SUNSCREEN AGAIN!!!!! Didn't I just put that on yesterday???
19. What is that horrible noise??? Turn it off! Turn it off!! Turn it off!!! Is that adult music?? Well, adult music sucks! It's got no farm animal sounds whatsoever!
20. You gave me that blankie and now you're saying IT'S IN THE WASH??? Now that's just CRUEL.
21. NOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING FOR YOURSEEEEEELLLLFFFF!!!!!!!!!!
What cries do you think the analyzer is missing?