The other day, we were on our way to Grammy and Sammy's house when Mazzy started asking some innocent/life-altering questions.
MAZZY: Is Grammy your mommy?
ME: Yes!
MAZZY: Is Sammy your daddy?
ME: Ummm… no.
MAZZY: Who's your daddy?
ME: Poppy.
MAZZY: Then who is Sammy?
ME: Well, my mom and dad got a trial separation when I was ten which was a totally devatasting event. Then they got back together briefly for a summer while I was away at camp but then ultimately decided to call it quits. They got officially divorced about two years later once they finally settled on divorce terms. You know child support and alimony and what not. I believe they even had a clause in there that Poppy was not allowed to take me skydiving or bungee jumping. Oh, and Grammy got holidays, which is why we celebrate all those made-up holidays with Poppy. Poppy got to see me and your Aunt Yaya every Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend we would spend at his apartment in the city. Then when I was about thirteen Poppy met Nonna which was tough because I had to invite her to my Bat Mitzvah and my parents sat at different tables. And then two years later Grammy met Sammy on Fire Island and introduced us to your uncles Eric and David who are really Sammy's kids from his first marriage. Poppy and Nonna got married my senior year of high school and Grammy and Sammy got married my sophomore year of college. Sammy proposed to Grammy on a family ski vacation in front of all of us because he wanted it to be the blending of two families. Isn't that nice?
MAZZY: Whaaaa??????
ME: Yeah, sorry to be the bearer of bad news sweetie but not all marriages work out. Fun lesson for the day, huh?
Ok, maybe I didn't give her the whole explanation. It went more like…
MAZZY: Is Sammy your daddy?
ME: Ummm… no.
MAZZY: Who's your daddy?
ME: Poppy.
MAZZY: Then who is Sammy?
ME: My stepdaddy.
MAZZY: Oh.
ME: And Nonna is my stepmommy. Aren't you lucky you have so many grandparents?
MAZZY: Yeah!
Dr. B always says to answer "adult" questions directly and without giving unecessary information. She says, you'll be surprised how satisfied kids are with the simplest explanations.
Which is exactly what happened.
But it did make me think that one day soon I might be required to go into more depth. Having to explain Sammy and Nonna might be the thing that tells Mazzy the world isn't perfect and that people (even her beloved grandparents) make mistakes.
Or maybe it will tell her that people getting married and then calling it quits is not a mistake– just two people making a joint decision to change the course of their lives for the better. And that's okay. After all, those two (obviously incompatible!) people being married for thirteen years is the reason I am sitting here today. And the reason Mazzy and Harlow are in this world, too.
Besides the confusion and potential for tough questions, having step-grandparents has tons of advantages. It means my girls will be exposed to Sammy's kindness, his collections (baseball cards, stamps, and coins), his penchant for telling corny jokes and his love for old school candy. It also means Mazzy will have access to Sammy's season tickets to the Yankees, allowing her to go to her first baseball game, as she did last week.
It means my girls will be exposed to Nonna's strength, her sophistication, her ability to whip up a quick Italian feast, and her decision not to have children of her own (an option I think is valuable for my girls to see). Nonna also loves gardening and over July 4th weekend while at their summer house, Nonna took Mazzy on a little field trip around the yard, teaching her about different plants and flowers. Mazzy came back with a bouquet of hydrangeas picked just for me.
It's interesting to watch Mazzy develop a relationship with both my stepparents. I've never seen either one of them interact with a child until now, because I met them as an angsty teenager who was more than a little pissed off I had to deal with two new adults invading my space. Their main contribution back then was solidfying the fact that my parents would never get back together.
Over the years, I have grown close to both of them, each in different ways, but it brings me a whole new joy to see how interested they are in my daughters and how much they think of them as their own grandchildren.
Mazzy and Harlow probably don't think about Sammy and Nonna that much differently than they do my real mom and dad. Just like my brother-in-law is as much their uncle as my sister is their aunt. Hopefully, their main takeaway won't be that the world is an imperfect place but that they are very lucky to have so many people love them.
When my parents divorced over twenty years ago, I thought it meant my family was getting smaller.
Now, with step-grandparents and stepbrothers and even my step-nieces and nephews, I realize just the opposite is true.
I always say that, “My children are surrounded by love. That is the most important thing.” Who that love comes from is not as important.
Really beautifully said. Thank you, as always, for sharing with us.
What a coincidence…my kids and I were just talking about step-whatevers today, thanks to Sophia the First who has a step brother and step sister. The convo went like this:
Kids: When can we have a step brother and step sister?
Me: The only way that’ll happen is if daddy and I get married to different people who already have kids.
Toddler: Well go marry someone else now.
Me: Not while daddy is still around.
Toddler: When will daddy die?
Me: Never. He’s going to live forever.
Toddler: Awwwww. I want a step brother!
It’s nice to see cartoons teaching children about blended families and all, but when it starts to encourage them to sabotage their own family unit I have to start wondering…
It’s great that your girls have so many loving and fantastic adults in their lives! You mentioned “that people getting married and then calling it quits is not a mistake– just two people making a joint decision to change the course of their lives for the better”. However, at the end of the day, it is still important for kids to know and understand that the world is an imperfect place and that adults do make mistakes. Perhaps, when the time comes for further explanation, I would encourage you to include your experience of “mom and dad got a trial separation which was a totally devastating event” so as to not downplay divorce as no-big-deal when it really does impact our families. Your perspective will be the most valuable to them!
I thought for a minute you’d lost your marbles with the big explanation and then even thought “wow that takes guts” I’m sometimes an over sharer and try really hard to just give simple age appropriate answers for things. it really is nice when kids don’t need much more than that yet. Well done, mama. And really how lucky to have all that love in your family and see the value in each person.
I was just having this convo this morning. My parents divorced when I was a young adult, and not on good terms. My father had an affair, the divorce was long and painful for all involved and I still have no respect for the other woman. My father married that other woman and out of respect for my father, and in order to have a relationship with him I choose to be civil to her. Now I have a 2 year old and my father and his wife want desperately to be in my daughter’s life. My daughter loves her grandfather but I have a huge problem with his wife being in my daughter’s life. The few times she’s been around my daughter she’s tried to have my daughter call her Nana, without my permission. This year I’m having my daughters 2nd birthday party here at my home and my father wishes to bring his wife. I don’t want her there and especially my mother doesn’t want her there and it will cause everyone to be uncomfortable. I hate having to be in the situation to begin with and now I’m faced with the fact that I’m going to have to answer questions as my daughter gets older and asks why she does not call my dads wife by a grandparent name. Maybe Dr B could help me answer that question and tell me what the best way to handle this situation is.
That’s an interesting thing to think about. Because yes, you are totally right. The divorce of my parents was probably the defining moment of my childhood and changed me forever, for better and worse. At the time, mostly for worse. I wouldn’t want to downplay that impact to my kids. But on the other hand, I wonder if the idea of divorce should be handled differently if my children are not going through it. Empathizing with them, if god forbid, something ever comes between Mike and me is one thing, but saying I was devastated by my parents’ decision is another. Maybe it’s just a question of what age that kind of discussion is appropriate. I’d love to get my sister’s opinion on this.
Good point – empathy is much different in this situation! And you are right, it all ties in to what is age appropriate. I think the conversation you had with Mazzy was perfect! She is very lucky to have so many people that love her. Great job!
This is lovely and really shows why ultimately picking the right partner is important but sometimes it isn’t the first person you commit to. Sounds like you are also saying that some of the best things come from failed relationships so they should not be regretted or short-changed.
It also got me thinking if we’ll ever need to explain to our kids why they have two grandmas who are committed to each other. (In Oregon, they haven’t granted marriage yet to same-sex couples but I think that will happen soon.) Since it’s been this way from the very beginning, there is nothing odd about it. But I do wonder once the kids begin comparing “notes” at school, if it will come up and what depth we’re going to have to go into to explain it.
Beautifully said. As a stepmom, I thank you for this post.
I am in the same situation. 🙂 Lots and LOTS of Grandparents.
I thought you handled it brilliantly! Divorce, no matter how amicable, is still and ugly and convoluted affair for all involved (albeit necessary!). No sense in dragging that monster back up to the surface and the light of day to confuse the little ones. Let your children get to know their Grandparents as they are now and not taint their relationship with hurts of the past. 🙂
My parents told me that they were divorcing two weeks after I told them I was pregnant (not because of me). They actually planned to divorce WHEN I WAS IN THE 8TH GRADE, but waited until I was in college. Assholes. I think it’s important for the kids to understand their parents tried and it didn’t work. Kids should never see a fake relationship, which is what I saw. I just didn’t know until they spilled the beans.
And honestly, it was a lot worse on me than if they were to have divorced when I was in 8th grade. I understand a lot more and am old enough to know what really went on between them two.
Their divorce is a very touchy subject with me, but I think you actually just inspired me to write a post about it. I really like this : )
such an important discussion to have…I have a stepdad too (but my dad and John’s dad are both deceased) sooooo that’s into another space of “Where are my other grandpas?”
we don’t have to discuss divorce yet (John is divorced so I’m, sure it will come up at some point with the boys)
I find that just being honest with them and speaking in a language they understand is the best thing.
I liked this post and the message behind it very much.
This is just lovely, Ilana. You’re at your best when you write these types of humor-and-heart posts.
This is so good … and such a glimpse at my life. My “steps” have been family for 25 years, so I don’t think about the “step” part. We’re just family. It’s pretty funny when I introduce or talk about my sister, Jenny. I get weird looks for that because we have the same name. Then I go into an explanation–so ppl don’t think my parents pulled a George Foreman.
My kids are 12 and 14 so they’re well aware of the entire family dynamic and how everyone fits together. I don’t know how it all came together, but I can tell you that my kids didn’t even blink an eye about it all. There was no drama or trauma. Maybe because they don’t know any of the back story or emotions that went with the divorces, they don’t absorb that part. All they know is that they have a great big family of fun people who love them. 🙂
Try #2. I hope this one doesn’t die in internet-land like the first one did. I also hope this response is as eloquent as I remember my first one being.
I am married with 2 kids but I was a stepmom to my stepson (now 13) first before I had my son and daughter. I don’t think any of us was prepared for how difficult the road was going to be. In the beginning I sought every book or resource possible and found that section as the bookstore VERY lacking. However I did find one book that was great and in it was this piece of information that has stuck with me through these almost 9 years of blended family life. The author said “in a blended family, you must accept that the borders of your family are porous.” I realized that I wanted to be able to draw a box around my family with a bold Sharpie and be able to identify who was in and who was out. It’s not that way in a blended family and that was difficult to live gracefully in the beginning. It has gotten easier in some ways, and in other ways it’s still difficult. What I loved about this post is that you captured both the beautiful and difficult aspect of being a blended family. I hope one day my stepson will be able to say, as you say of your stepparents now, that I brought something good to the family. Thank you for this post. It’s one of my favorites.