When my friend Nicole, the blogger behind Moms Who Drink and Swear and perhaps the biggest mom-run fanpage on facebook, told me she was coming out with her first book, I immediately volunteered to write a review. Then, as I tend to do, I tried to think up a creative way to promote it.
MY BIG BRIGHT IDEA?
Get actual moms who drink and swear to write profanity-laced review blurbs for the book appropriately titled: Moms Who Drink and Swear.
Good plan, right? What could possibly go wrong?
I asked a bunch of mom bloggers to participate, they said, "For Nicole? Of course! Anything!" and then in true "be careful what you wished for" fashion, I watched their F-bomb-laden blurbs roll in as I slunk back into my closet, curled into the fetal position and rocked back and forth, thinking "I don't have the balls to post this… I don't have the balls to post this… I don't have the balls to post this…"
Then I spoke to the spirit of George Carlin who talked it over with the ghost of Sam Kinison and we all tried to come up with a dead foul-mouthed female comedian to collectively convince me to grow a pair.
When that failed, I decided to go to the source herself.
Paraphrasing from the foward of Nicole's book…
"MWDAS…isn't for everyone. We feel very comfortable telling anyone who clutches her pearls in shock…to feel free to SUCK IT."
So, with that said… if "cocksucking motherfucker" doesn't roll off your tongue, I'm going to suggest taking a Mommy Shorts hiatus and coming back tomorrow.
For everyone else, here are 12 MOMS WHO DRINK AND SWEAR (to varying degrees) giving a big ole TITS-OUT-THUMBS-UP to Nicole Knepper's first book— Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.
(Keep those pearls clutched just in case.)
"What DUMB FUCKING worthless thing did you buy today? An egg separator? A Groupon for ASSHOLE bleaching? Go return that SHIT right now! Then buy 'Moms Who Drink and Swear'. This book will make you laugh like a GODDAMN hyena, cry like a SONOFABITCH, and then finally FUCKING inspire you."
"Nicole Knepper is the funniest BITCH on the block. Her new book, 'Moms Who Drink and Swear', has a SHIT ton of laughs and a lot of FUCKING heart."
-Allison of MotherhoodWTF
"I’ve been eating tons of fiber on purpose so I’ll have to SHIT a lot, because every time I hit the CRAPPER I get to read a few more pages of 'Moms Who Drink and Swear'. Now that’s some FUCKING AWESOME SHIT."
-Karen of Baby Sideburns
"It is said that the journey of a thousand FUCKING miles begins with one MOTHERFUCKING step. The first FUCKING step? Buy this FUCKING book! 'Moms Who Drink and Swear' is more than just a book. It's a GODDAMN masterpiece."
-Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments
"'Moms Who Drink and Swear' is so FRICKIN' funny, I nearly SHAT myself."
-Courtney of Our Small Moments
"If you don't think Nikki's book is GODDAMNED hysterical, you're either a DIPSHIT or a DOUCHEBAG. And you can quote me on that."
-Anna of Random Handprints
"Do not read 'Moms Who Drink and Swear' while your kids are in the room. Then you'll have to explain why 'HOLY *#CK THIS SHIT IS FUNNY!" is not an appropriate thing for a 4yo to yell while watching Dora."
-JD of Honest Mom
"Nikki puts 110% of her heart and soul in 'Moms Who Drink and Swear'. But don't take my word for it. Take your SKINNY ASS down to the bookstore and pick up a GODDAMN copy for yourself!"
-Rebecca from Frugalista Blog
"If you're a girlfriend's girlfriend, this FLOCKIN' book will touch your heart, make you laugh, and give you that blessed moment of relief when you realize this MOTHERCLUCKER gets you. In other news, I'm hoping her book helps me break my CHICKENSHIT poultry themed swearing habit and empowers me to use big girl words."
-Ellen of Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
"Read Nikki’s book. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll embrace your inner drunken sailor, ya COCKSUCKINGBUTTMUNCH."
-Leslie of The Bearded Iris
"HOLY CHICLETS on a stick, Nikki’s book made my vagina do the happy dance. This SHIZZ is DA BIZZ, makin’ me want to call mah BITCHES in yoga britches to pack some HOOCHES and get their COOCHES to my kitchen, so we can all toast the MUTHUHTRUCKIN', SOCK HUCKIN', SONOFABEE sisterhood solidarity of motherhood."
-Kim of Let Me Start by Saying
"The only people not reading 'Moms Who Drink and Swear' are ASSHATS and FUCKWADS who don't know their COCKSUCKING ASSHOLES from a GODDAMN hole in the ground. So for FUCK'S SAKE, get your LAME-ASS THUNDERCUNT to the store and MOTHERFUCKING buy it before I kick you in the TWATWAFFLE."
-Toulouse of Toulouse & Tonic
Alrighty then. I think we could all use a cleansing administered by Ned Flanders right about now. But instead, I'm gonna tell you that Nicole's book really is all the bloggers above say it is.
"'Moms Who Drink and Swear' is like a potty-mouthed tour de force that turns parenting on its head and makes you feel better about yourself and every bad thought you've ever had about your kids. But it also speaks volumes about how important it is to surround yourself with a bastion of non-judgmental mom friends, whether they be real life or online, to protect our sanity and celebrate our families in a way only other like-minded parents can."
-Ilana of Mommy Shorts
FUUUUUUUUCK! I forgot to throw an F-bomb in there.
If you'd like to win a copy of Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind, JESUS H CHRIST, it's your GODDAMN day, because I am giving away a copy in the comment section below.
You must be a Mommy Shorts facebook fan to enter and then just leave me a comment below telling me your favorite curse word of all time. Made-up words are encouraged. Kid-friendly substitutions are also acceptable, although don't be a PUSSY about it, 'mmmkay?
The winner will be announced Friday, May 3rd.