When my friend Nicole, the blogger behind Moms Who Drink and Swear and perhaps the biggest mom-run fanpage on facebook, told me she was coming out with her first book, I immediately volunteered to write a review. Then, as I tend to do, I tried to think up a creative way to promote it.
MY BIG BRIGHT IDEA?
Get actual moms who drink and swear to write profanity-laced review blurbs for the book appropriately titled: Moms Who Drink and Swear.
Good plan, right? What could possibly go wrong?
I asked a bunch of mom bloggers to participate, they said, "For Nicole? Of course! Anything!" and then in true "be careful what you wished for" fashion, I watched their F-bomb-laden blurbs roll in as I slunk back into my closet, curled into the fetal position and rocked back and forth, thinking "I don't have the balls to post this… I don't have the balls to post this… I don't have the balls to post this…"
Then I spoke to the spirit of George Carlin who talked it over with the ghost of Sam Kinison and we all tried to come up with a dead foul-mouthed female comedian to collectively convince me to grow a pair.
When that failed, I decided to go to the source herself.
Paraphrasing from the foward of Nicole's book…
"MWDAS…isn't for everyone. We feel very comfortable telling anyone who clutches her pearls in shock…to feel free to SUCK IT."
So, with that said… if "cocksucking motherfucker" doesn't roll off your tongue, I'm going to suggest taking a Mommy Shorts hiatus and coming back tomorrow.
For everyone else, here are 12 MOMS WHO DRINK AND SWEAR (to varying degrees) giving a big ole TITS-OUT-THUMBS-UP to Nicole Knepper's first book— Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.
(Keep those pearls clutched just in case.)
"What DUMB FUCKING worthless thing did you buy today? An egg separator? A Groupon for ASSHOLE bleaching? Go return that SHIT right now! Then buy 'Moms Who Drink and Swear'. This book will make you laugh like a GODDAMN hyena, cry like a SONOFABITCH, and then finally FUCKING inspire you."
-Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat
"Nicole Knepper is the funniest BITCH on the block. Her new book, 'Moms Who Drink and Swear', has a SHIT ton of laughs and a lot of FUCKING heart."
-Allison of MotherhoodWTF
"I’ve been eating tons of fiber on purpose so I’ll have to SHIT a lot, because every time I hit the CRAPPER I get to read a few more pages of 'Moms Who Drink and Swear'. Now that’s some FUCKING AWESOME SHIT."
-Karen of Baby Sideburns
"It is said that the journey of a thousand FUCKING miles begins with one MOTHERFUCKING step. The first FUCKING step? Buy this FUCKING book! 'Moms Who Drink and Swear' is more than just a book. It's a GODDAMN masterpiece."
-Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments
"'Moms Who Drink and Swear' is so FRICKIN' funny, I nearly SHAT myself."
-Courtney of Our Small Moments
"If you don't think Nikki's book is GODDAMNED hysterical, you're either a DIPSHIT or a DOUCHEBAG. And you can quote me on that."
-Anna of Random Handprints
"Do not read 'Moms Who Drink and Swear' while your kids are in the room. Then you'll have to explain why 'HOLY *#CK THIS SHIT IS FUNNY!" is not an appropriate thing for a 4yo to yell while watching Dora."
-JD of Honest Mom
"Nikki puts 110% of her heart and soul in 'Moms Who Drink and Swear'. But don't take my word for it. Take your SKINNY ASS down to the bookstore and pick up a GODDAMN copy for yourself!"
-Rebecca from Frugalista Blog
"If you're a girlfriend's girlfriend, this FLOCKIN' book will touch your heart, make you laugh, and give you that blessed moment of relief when you realize this MOTHERCLUCKER gets you. In other news, I'm hoping her book helps me break my CHICKENSHIT poultry themed swearing habit and empowers me to use big girl words."
-Ellen of Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
"Read Nikki’s book. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll embrace your inner drunken sailor, ya COCKSUCKINGBUTTMUNCH."
-Leslie of The Bearded Iris
"HOLY CHICLETS on a stick, Nikki’s book made my vagina do the happy dance. This SHIZZ is DA BIZZ, makin’ me want to call mah BITCHES in yoga britches to pack some HOOCHES and get their COOCHES to my kitchen, so we can all toast the MUTHUHTRUCKIN', SOCK HUCKIN', SONOFABEE sisterhood solidarity of motherhood."
-Kim of Let Me Start by Saying
"The only people not reading 'Moms Who Drink and Swear' are ASSHATS and FUCKWADS who don't know their COCKSUCKING ASSHOLES from a GODDAMN hole in the ground. So for FUCK'S SAKE, get your LAME-ASS THUNDERCUNT to the store and MOTHERFUCKING buy it before I kick you in the TWATWAFFLE."
-Toulouse of Toulouse & Tonic
Alrighty then. I think we could all use a cleansing administered by Ned Flanders right about now. But instead, I'm gonna tell you that Nicole's book really is all the bloggers above say it is.
"'Moms Who Drink and Swear' is like a potty-mouthed tour de force that turns parenting on its head and makes you feel better about yourself and every bad thought you've ever had about your kids. But it also speaks volumes about how important it is to surround yourself with a bastion of non-judgmental mom friends, whether they be real life or online, to protect our sanity and celebrate our families in a way only other like-minded parents can."
-Ilana of Mommy Shorts
FUUUUUUUUCK! I forgot to throw an F-bomb in there.
If you'd like to win a copy of Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind, JESUS H CHRIST, it's your GODDAMN day, because I am giving away a copy in the comment section below.
You must be a Mommy Shorts facebook fan to enter and then just leave me a comment below telling me your favorite curse word of all time. Made-up words are encouraged. Kid-friendly substitutions are also acceptable, although don't be a PUSSY about it, 'mmmkay?
The winner will be announced Friday, May 3rd.
Well, I have to say that the F word is my favorite. It’s the best, it’s the most useful, it’s the most versatile! And it can be the start of so many curses! Fuck me, fuck that, fuck you, fuck that noise (a personal fave). And so many more!
Although, I’ve said “Christ on bike” a few too many times this week, and I don’t even know what it means!
This blog is a motherfucking love letter. Thank you Ilana and all the other amazetits writers who cared enough to support a potty mouthed mom who wrote a cocksucking book. xoxox Nikki
Toulouse wins with “Thundercunt.” I think that was the Adult Swim verison of the 80s classic, Thundecats. Reow!
The ONLY reason I didn’t add my profanity-laden kudos is because I haven’t finished the book!!!
FUCK my luck.
By the way, you put “winner announced on April 3rd instead of May 3rd”
Sorry to be the asshole that corrected you.
I was thinking the same thing. Toulouse just won the internet.
Alright, it’s fixed, you fucking whore.
Truth. There are not many (or any?) swear words that can be used as a noun, an adjective and a verb.
I cannot discriminate when it comes to cursing, I embrace them all, and I mean them all!
I love reading Nicole’s articles & I’d be so greatful for a copy of her book!! But – in all honestly life is full of frocking disappointment so I’m sure some other lucky biotch will get it instead…fuck me.
Hold onto your asscheeks, fuckwads! This review is the motherfucking bomb-diggity!
Fucktard is my favorite as of right now. I tend to call people who can’t handle car line that quite a bit 🙂
Favorite curse word EVER: “Penis Wrinkle”. Can be shortened to just “Wrinkle”. Very useful when describing someone who’s being a total douche.
I like “bag o’dicks” as in “Suck a bag o’dicks.” I heard it on a Justin Timberlake movie, can’t remember which one.
Monkey Fucker Donkey Ballsacks is what I tend to yell out when I stub my toe. Or I’m driving. Or cooking. Or sorting socks. Or when I wake up in the morning…
Any form of cocksucker/sucking. The shit just got real 😉
Ha great reviews!! I’ve already told my husband and my kids I want this book for Mothers Day. They better get it for me the little shitbags. But anyway I would have to say fuck is definitely my fave bad word, although I am now going to have to give twatwaffle a try.
HA! I love this reply in a fierce, squeeze it to death way.
Fuckwad, fucktard, fucknose, douchedick, ass-crack hair… There are just so many! None of them make sense, but they are great to throw around 🙂
FUCKTARD….or any other word that I can infiltrate FUCK into. It’s just the best word ever!! It’s a noun, pronoun, adjective, and verb all in one! EX. “That FUCKIN’ FUCKED FUCKTARD FUCKIN FUCKED ME!!” See! Beautiful 🙂
Best curse word ever? Assbitch. Made up by my then 3 year old who said it after bumping her head on a table.
Is douchebag a swear? If it is, it’s my favorite. If it’s not, I’ll go with fuckkkkkkkkkk. And it has to have that many k’s on the end.
Assbitch IS a good one. Really good. It brings me happiness.
I already bought a mutherfucking copy, but I’d like to have one to give as a gift to a bitch I know. My new favorite, if it isn’t copyrighted yet is “Twatwaffle” thanks to Toulouse. I promise to try and work it into a sentence each day at least because it is that awesome.
When I was in grade school I was getting a ride home from school with a friend and her mom thought that my screaming “motherfucker” at the top of my lungs on the playground was…interesting. I think I was about ten.
Not much has changed since then, but I do also enjoy the word “dicksmack” when applied to a very unintelligent person who has done something profoundly dumb.
This made me laugh-a lot. Thank you! I have the image of a three year old saying “assbitch” in a tiny voice now. Reminds me of my four year old nephew running around yelling “mofo”. I love that kid.
And when I’m super mad: Fucking cunt
When the subject being cursed is masculine: fucking dickless ant
When the baby is awake: Pickles!
This blog post made my morning! If I don’t win a copy, I better fuckin get one for Mom’s Day!
DOUCHETARD! Though THUNDERCUNT may be my new favorite…
Currently loving ass-hat. As in, “that guy is such an ass-hat.” I’m not completely sure where it came from, but for someone who forcibly cleansed her sailor vocabulary when she left the Navy to become an early childhood teacher, that’s the most vulgar I tend to get.
You, my friend, need to write a book of your own!
And please put the word “blow-hole” in it for me. Jake, my 10 year old, thinks it sounds like a curse word and can get away with it because it’s a real whale word.
It has grown on me!
ok, so mine’s more of a phrase but this is one I say probably a bit to much… God Fuckin Dammit to hell!
when talking to my 4 year old: “Geez Louise!”
Translation in my head: “Why won’t you fucking listen to me and just put on your fucking shirt already so we can go to the fucking park!”
I use “Geez Louise” a lot, in many different scenarios. Geez Louise is the new Fuck.
It’s gotta be Fuck. As in fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Though when I post to Facebook, I put Fack. Like I’m from Boston, bitches.
I would love a copy of Nicole’s book, thank you for having a give away! And my new favorite curse words (thanks to these awesome fucking reviews) are CockSuckingButtMunch and TwatWaffle. Have a feeling I’m going to let a few of these glorious words slip today, just hopefully not in front of the 3 year old!
Well, my favorite has got to be fucking douche-canoe… I say it a lot, under my breath of course
My favorite thing to say before having kids, in a very sarcastic tone, was “fan-FUCKING-tastic.”
Now I just think it.
Holy fuckbuckets! I say that one far too often.
Fuckton’s good, as in “I have a fuckton of cleaning to do but I’d rather take a nap”. Douchecanoe, while not a curse in my book, is my current favorite thing to call morons. I would also accept Douchecopter.
Did you CAPS the cusses or is this how each of them write ;)? Hehe. I’m curse in my head, under my breath a lot more than I’d like. Esp when shit happens and assholes drive like assholes.
Is it boring to love the F word? B/c I do. I guess my favorite way to use it is in the phrase, “Oh for fuck’s sake!” And goddamn if douchebag isn’t a righteous insult. Love it.
Hmmm gotta be sonofabitch or the F word 😉
Thanks to a great children’s fiction I read recently (Dead End in Norvelt by Jack Gantos), I’m going with “CHEESUS CRUST!”
The one I probably say the most is “Jesus Fuck!” as in “Jesus Fucking Christ” but shortened because apparently I don’t even have time to say an entire “curse phrase”.
Appropriate uses would include anything stupid, annoying or painful as in “Jesus Fuck, that hurt!” or “Jesus Fuck, you’re a dumb-ass!” Sometimes just saying “Jesus Fuck!” says it all. It also serves to offend as many people as possible since I am taking the Lords name in vain and dropping the F-bomb all in one short sweet thought! 🙂
Where have you been all my life!? I don’t blog but I do enjoy reading them and this just showed up to me yesterday via a friend on FB…I feel at home….and normal, and not lonely….thank you!
Well I’m a salty Masshole that got her start around German sailors and a foul mouthed mother…so it’s really hard to choose. If you asked me when I was 6/7 I would have hands down said “bitch” . As my mum had a keychain that read “perfect bitch” so I would say it a lot and proclaim innocence as I was merely reading aloud. 😉
My current top faves are
But being the classy cunt that I am , my little black heart will always belong to
We just had a family dinner with my gender reveal cake ..and my family won’t give the video because I dropped the F-bomb when I cut the cake 😉
Asshat was my standard for a long time, but DYAC introduced me to “skittletits” and “bitchgoblet”. Now seeing your blurbs, “twatwaffle” may need to make an appearance in my vocab too – hopefully not in front of the children.
Fuckerdoodle. Made up by my 7y/o son during our regular weekly curse party, held in my bedroom on Sundays. You should hear all the creativity that comes out of those little fuckerdoodles!
As a former public school teacher, I am we’ll versed in making up curse words, my favorite seem to be: Buckets, Biscuits, snarflepod, shazzbag, and son of a nutcracker. When I am around big people, they seem to be: Asshat and douchecanoe (thank you Jen @ PIWTPITT). Only break out the F bomb for special occasions. I feel it loses its appeal if I say it too often. Shit gets real when the f word comes out at our house.
My favorite is …… FUCKTARD… As in do not be a FUCKTARD please….
Also…. C/O my ex-husband
EAT SHIT AND DIE YOU DONKEY RAPING ASS SPELUNKER
I’m actually married to a sailor, so I’ve learned a whole new colorful language! My fav that I’ve ever heard is “douche canoe.” However, since my kids repeat everything, I frequently use “son-of-a-biscuit-eater” and “mothertrucker”…yes, TRUCKER. My newly coined phrase is “dippleshitz,” because dipshit is never enough. It sounds loving and endearing, like snicklefritz or fuzzy britches, so the intended person doesn’t even realize they’re being insulted. “What say you, my little dippleshitz?” My son is allowed to sing Gwen Stephani’s song holla back girl and say the word shit, but only because I really want him to learn how to spell bananas. “This shit is bananas…B-A-N-A-N-A-S!” Free book! Free book!
Also, I love Thundercunt. I have used this particularly nasty word quite a few times in the past in reference to one person my sisters and I know who absolutely deserves humanity’s worst word magnified and somehow made nastier. It is a wordsmith’s masterpiece. Definitely not one for the kids!
“When the baby is awake: Pickles!” GENIUS.
I physically need a copy of this cunt dribbling masterpiece.
My fave is the oldie but goodie all time best stress reliever FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! But I do think that Thundercunt is pretty amazeballs. ; ) Can’t wait to read this book.
I love FUCK.
so much so that when my adorable 4 year old said “fuck it” i laughed and said “only mommy can say that”
I am so glad you found some balls to post this. Now I am going to have to buy this book ASAP. The reviews are fucking hilarious! I am sure the book will have me rolling. I like all curse words, although I am not very creative and tend to stick with the “normal” ones… fuck, shit, bitch, etc. I am loving twatwaffle, though. And I also think any curse word coming from the mouth of a toddler is extra fucking hilarious!
Fuckface, cunt, absofuckinglootley, dick, douchenozzle
I learned a new word last week and it’s my current favorite: cunt punt. As in, if you don’t buy Nikki’s book, you deserve a cunt punt.
My favorite thing to call my girlfriends when we are picking on each other is GUTTERSLUT and my favorite word to yell when I stub my toe is FUCK ME IN THE ASS and if my son is around I bite my tongue and say OH GOSH THAT HURT SOOOOOOOO GOOOOD lol so now my son replies with OH GOSH! whenever he really wants to cuss lol
Pick me pick me daddyfucker. Thats my made up swear word.Thundercunt is my new fav now. This review makes me want to run out and get a copy but I don’t think I should spend my kids field trip money.
I just wanted to say that now the word of the day around here is “Thundercunt.” It’s perfect. And Twatwaffle is a close second. Thanks Mommy Shorts and Toulouse for making my day!
I think the one I go to the most is a loud, drawn-out JESUS!!! as my son was saying that at the age of two. But I don’t discriminate when it comes to profanity. I love a good MOTHERFUCK! AND SONOFABITCH! as well. Winning would be a nice little surprise on my B-day (May 3rd). : )
My go to is motherfucking sonofabitch, although I also like dicktard
Twatwaffle made me laugh out loud. Oh fuck has turned into “oh bumpers” at my house…thank you very much Chugginton for that gem. This book looks fucking awesome! I am now going to go find her fb page and read her blog. Laundry can fucking do itself today.
Cumguzzling gutterslut is a favorite in our house, as is the aforementioned thundercunt. Also, my friend and I constantly discuss who needs a “kick in the cunny”. I find myself using “horseshit” a lot lately, primarily because I have to put up with a lot of horseshit lately.
I am cry-laughing reading these comments…
I LOVE this idea!!
A great way to let them get it out of their systems!! I might have to start doing this!!
I am 33 years old and I have to sing the Oscar Mayer song E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. I try to spell bologna.
I also have to sing the same song to spell bananas too! 🙂
I say Fuck me in the ass ALL the time.
Jason tells me not to say it because Emilee was playing Mario Cart on Wii and yelled it out. He says it will not be nice when I get a call from school for a ptc because she has said it!
I think Fuck has lost its luster… I’ve even been known to throw my hands up in the air in sheer frustration and say “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!” at work lately. So it can’t be that bad right???
TWAT has been escaping my mouth lately…. because I believe it gives the exclamation that little extra touch of…. umph that an exclamation so needs.
My husband has a bad habit of calling drivers in the unfortunate state I live in ASSCLOWNS or ASSHATS. My 4 year old heard and now we use her interpretation: DONKEYCLOWNHAT. The first time we heard it we just about lost it. 🙂
How the hell am I supposed to explain to my kids what the hell I am laughing at? “what are you reading, Mommy?” “nothing you little twatwaffle, just learning a few new words to yell at daddy later”
I need Nikki’s book, like some mad shit gone crazy. FUUUUCCCKKKEERRRSSSSSS!
I love the F-bomb. LOVE IT
F bomb all day everyday!! To paraphrase an old school song “fucks just a word thats all fucked up” I don’t trust people that don’t use this daily in everyday speaking!! 😉
As an English teacher of 7th-to-12th graders, depending on the year and place, my fave in-class is FART! FARKITY FART FART FAAAAAART! But as soon as the last bell on the last day of school rings, I get my regular potty mouth back and all summer long my sailor husband gives me the side-eye.
Twat! Even better, fucking twat!
I find myself thinking “you fucking douche canoe” every time someone pisses me off lately, so I guess that’s my current fave. I teach a mommmy-and-me style music class, and so far I’ve managed to keep it on the inside… so far.
I forgot WHUCK?!?!?!
The F word. So versatile, best shouted.
Goddamn this goddamn that, fuck you, fuck that,fuck it, dumb bitch, stupid bitch, what else? Oh yea, you dumb fucking piece of shit, are a few I use these days. Goddamn, if I personally knew some of you bitches, we’d have a grand ole fucking time.
Douche Canoe is my personal favorite, although Jesus Taliban (as seen on Damn You Autocorrect) is a close second.
If my day is particularly bad, a nice solid ” fuck, fuck, fuckitty, fuck, fuck” always seems to help. But I may start using thundercunt more often.
I use “SON-OF-A-NUTCRACKER” quite frequently (stolen from the movie Elf) and it makes me laugh when I am really pissed! Everyone should use it!
I love Moms Who Drink & Swear, now appreciate her for leading me to your corner of the interwebs, Mommy Shorts! I will now have something to consume my lazyasses time. I’ve been a single Momma for quite a while so besides some bullsnot the kids make @ school (that I still love & it makes me cry every year) I would LOVE to win this book…it’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten a book from anywhere besides a donation bin, so it’s totally worth a shot letting y’all in on a word I made up all by myself…shiiiFUCK! It’s for those times where you begin to say ‘shit’ & 1/2 way through saying it you realizes there is no fucking way shit describes the trouble your kids just got you into & yell ‘FUCK!!’ as an ending. I hope y’all enjoy my word & incorporate it into your vocabulary even if I’m not the bitch that wins! Also, thank each & every one of ya bitchez that gave the book the most uber amazeballs review of a book I’ve EVER read! =)
I like cocksucker, motherfucker and when my kids act up, I call them little bitches in my head
Douche canoe is good. I’m living Twatwaffle. A friend of mine introduced me to a non-cursing curse word. Jack Wagon. It mostly goes nicely with fucking, as in “He is such a fucking Jack Wagon”
fucknugget. or if the kid is around, then “oh coconuts”, just like jake, izzy, and cubby.
Cockgobbler or cumdumpster usually win for me.
Cocklicker. Best ever is Fucking Dicklicking Cocklicker.
My favorite swear word/phrase is “douche chills.” As in, “I get the douche chills when people sing seriously at social functions,” or “ugh, I got the douche chills when that guy started the slow clap.” While I don’t think it’s the most vulgar curse word, it captures a sentiment just so well. And my mother gets furious when my brothers and I use it at the dinner table (we’re all married and in our late twenties…)
Can’t go past FUCK!!! Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fucking wiggles, fucking little bitch holly and douche ben…fucktard…. was going to say cant go past a good fuck, but that’s an entirely different comment…. Round my kids I say ‘holy fish sticks batman’. A LOT. Ever since my 2yo said fuck to her Nana…not good. In my head there is a lot of ‘you little fucker’ especially when the 7mth old wakes in the night. Which is several times every night. Fuuuuuuuuccccckkk!
I’m just so very anal and really only shout ‘for fuck’s sake you mother fucking fucker, fuck’ – though mostly when I’m driving without the children – it’s like my chocolate bar of sanity that I sneak when I’m alone! I had to change ‘shits and tits’ so that you’ll hear a lot of ‘shirts and trousers’ (though I’ve personally reverted and mutter shits and tits but the children think I’m saying shirts and trousers)! I love ‘feck’ a lot too!! Love xox
also, my son, while not having heard it from me but from school and realises it’s a bad word has developed a very studious way of getting to accidentally say ‘fuck’ by playing a one-player rhyming game!
We tend to say “juicebag” as a sub for douchebag when the littles are around. Or just good ol’ frick.
“Thundercunt” *and* “Twatwaffle” – DAMN, that woman’s a FUCKING profanity savant! FUCKING brilliant! 🙂
Fuck would definitely be my fucking favorite word. Yes, favorite word, not just favorite cuss word. It can be used as an adjective, a noun, a verb, or even a pronoun for all I fucking know.
I’ve even spelled out f-u-c-k on the keypad for my pin code and other passwords. But I’ve changed it since then so don’t fucking try to fucking steal my fucking money.