Back in October, I wrote a post called "Lies I Tell My Toddler", including "it's against the law to go to school in your pajamas", "the playground closes for naptime" and "mommy is allergic to all pets, even reptiles".
Then, I asked you all to share the lies you tell your kids— to get them to behave, eat their vegetables, clean their room, etc. and it became clear that knowing other parents' untruths is way more valuable than any parenting advice you'd ever read in a book by a so-called "expert".
So, as a public service to parents everywhere, here is a comprehensive "Guide to Lying to Your Kids" compiled from your responses.
Just in time for Christmas, when you tell your kids about SANTA, aka THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL.
Of course, I'm Jewish so my child already knows SANTA for who he really is— the creepy drunk old man at the mall.
PART I: HEALTHY EATING
"I tell my 5-year-old he won't grow any bigger if he doesn't learn to eat his vegetables. And then if he eats some, the next day I shift his height chart so it looks like it's working." - Toulouse & Tonic
"The ice cream truck only plays music when they are OUT of ice cream." - Jen
"If you eat raw cookie dough, it will expand and rise until your stomach explodes." – Heather
"There is a worldwide macaroni and cheese shortage, and we have to limit our consumption to twice a week." - Katy
"McDonald's runs out of food. All the time." - Danielle
"We have traumatized our son with fake phone calls to the mayor of our town to let him know a child in his district was not eating his vegetables." - Kristin
"Your teeth will fall out and you won't grow, if you live on candy and cheddar bunnies." - Keesha from Mom's New Stage
"Candy at the check out lines is only for smelling." – Amy V
"Ice cream trucks are really ambulances for clowns." – Samantha
"Spiderman eats all HIS dinner." - Synnove
"Cocoa Krispies are only sold on Long Island, where my aunt and uncle live, but not in New Jersey, where they are only on display." – Lauren
PART II: PERSONAL SAFETY
"No one goes outside to play after the sun goes down." - Synnove
"You go to jail if you don't buckle up." – Missy
"The sign in the grocery store window says 'children must stay in the cart'." – Brigette
"I use Monster Spray (PATENT PENDING), a revolutionary aerosol mist that's odorless and invisible. It repels all monsters, boogeymen, ghosts, and potential nightmares. This long-lasting spray works equally well under beds, in closets, and around the edges of curtains to completely seal the room with a protective coating of safety." – Hollow Tree Ventures
"I had my son convinced the emergency room was closed on the weekends." – Adrienne
"I had a pathological fear of my son eating popcorn. I thought he'd choke to death on a kernel. So I told him Pirate's Booty is popcorn. He believed this until he was well over 4. Then one day at a friend's house he ate real popcorn and came running to me, "Mom! You have GOT to try this!" – Motherhood WTF
"At an outdoor wedding I told our 3 yr old there were wild animals in the trees so she wouldn't wander off… She was scared of the woods for years." – Nicole
"If you open the car windows while the air conditioning is on, the whole car will blow up." – Elaine
"That animal by the side of the road? Sleeping." – Angela
PART III: AVAILABLE ENTERTAINMENT
"Our TV does not get Nickelodeon (for the mere fact that I cannot stand Sponge Bob.)" - Kelly H.
"Our iPad takes naps regularly." – Violina23
"I've put Yo Gabba Gabba in the CD player upside down so I could fake like it was broken." – Katy
"Thomas, Curious George, and Angelina Ballerina go to bed when the nightly news comes on. And Calliou is in permanent TIME OUT." - Kristin @ What She Said
"The Chicago Bears are so awesome that even Doc McStuffins and Dora drop everything, including their time slots, to watch them, and therefore there is nothing else on TV." – Katy
"DirectTV makes us turn the TV off at 8pm because it gets too hot." – Rachael
"The grocery carts with cars on the front of them are broken and they park them out front for the mechanics to pick them up." - The_BMG
"Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties." – Kristin
"Chuck E Cheese is only open when it rains." – Annelise
"There are no Chuck E. Cheese's in New Jersey." - Kim from Let Me Start by Saying
"TV has been broken in every single hotel room we've ever stayed in. Our family has the worst luck!" – Random Handprints
"Since we're going to Disney World, I've been telling my kids its the happiest place on earth so anyone seen or heard whining, pouting or unhappy is asked to leave!" – Diane
PART IV: BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"I tell my 4 year old that if she says a bad word, her tongue will immediately fall out… to date she hasn't tested the theory." – Heather
"I used to tell my kids that if they told a lie their nose would grow Pinocchio style. They believed it so much that to this day, my middle daughter (who is 8) will hold her nose when she is lying! It gives her away every time." - Sarah0201
"When my little boys misbehave, we ask him, 'is that the way a good Gator Fan would act?' The fate of all of Gator Nation is on his head." – Julie
"My kids believe I have eyes in the back of my head that see EVERYTHING. They think the 'back eyes' grow in after you have a baby." – Jennifer
"My kids were both screaming and driving me nuts, so in the spirit of 'every time a baby laughs a fairy gets its wings' I blurted out 'every time you yell, you are calling a werewolf to our home!' " – Kande
"I tell my kids that if they lie to me, a red dot appears on their heads that only I can see. Now they squirm every time they lie and try to cover their foreheads." – Jen from PIWTPITT
"I can tell when they're lying because their eyes change color. This is a double win for me because my eyes obviously do not change color when I tell them this, which proves I'm not lying!" – Lindsay
PART V: HYGIENE & CLEANLINESS
"If you don't brush your teeth right, your breath will stink, your teeth will turn yellow, and no one will want to talk to you." – Kelley's Break Room
"If you don't clean your room, the vacuum sucks everything off the floor. For good." – Lauren
"If you cut your own hair it won't grow again. It only grows when cut by a professional." – Kandance
"I have a special pair of glasses that can see if you used your toothbrush." - mommylisa
PART VI: MILESTONES
"The police will put mommy in jail if I try to buy a pacifier for a three-year-old." – Nicole
"The store doesn't sell diapers after size 4 so you have to be potty trained." – Letizia
"It's against the law for 5 year olds to ride in strollers." – Lanei
"The Tooth Fairy is no good and lazy, which is why she was a no-show." - One Funny Motha
PART VII: MORE CHRISTMAS LIES
"Deer are Santa's spies. We regularly have them out back, so their behavior improves rapidly on sighting. Deer Crossing signs mean they've been spotted in the area, so not only do my kids start singing 'Santa Clause is Coming To Town,' they also stop fighting in the car." - The Tired Mother
"Forget 'Elf on the Shelf,' Santa has put a gnome in our home with a hidden camera that he periodically watches. Problem is, I collect gnomes, so my sons don't know which one is watching." – Deanna
"I have Santa on my cell phone's speed dial." – Kim from Let Me Start by Saying
"I tell my kids that smoke detectors are 'Santa cameras'. The beauty of the lie is that everywhere has smoke detectors (stores, friends' houses, etc.) and it usually just takes a quick 'oh, wow, there is a Santa camera here too' for me to have two perfect angels shopping with me." – Alesia
"My kids believe that all smoke alarms are Santa Cams. When they're being really naughty, we press the test button so that it flashes and beeps – which means Santa is PISSED." – Anna from My Life & Kids
Seriously? I might have to start celebrating Christmas, just to get my kids to behave.
I tried the “eat your food or you won’t grow” bit with my son, but then I always lament to him “Why can’t you stay small forever?”
One day when reminded about eating and growing, he came back with “But Momma, if I don’t eat, I won’t grow, and if I don’t grow, I can stay your little boy forever!”
Oliver 1- Mommy 0
So funny. Although I sort of think the cookie dough one is true.
So cute! Though I don’t ( for the record) consider Santa to be a lie. It is a fun tradition for little kids who enjoy magic and beauty and imagination, before they become stinky old boring, rule-following, non-magic-believing adults. My eldest is 9, and she asked this year if Santa was real or not – my rule was to never directly lie, so I asked if she really wanted to know the truth, she said yes. So I told her, as that was the moment I felt I would have changed a fun game into a direct lie. She had a glint in her eye and I could tell she had figured it out anyway, but was happy with the confirmation. Then I said ” But you need to never tell your friends, that is their parents job, and to keep up the game for your sister”
Then I said ” So now, you just need to know that the most fun is the anticipation … and you still get that, as now that you know – maybe I leave gifts in your stocking and maybe I don’t” To which she quickly responded ” Yeah I get it – like maybe you love both your kids equally and maybe you don’t!” then gave me a cheeky grin, burst into a fit of giggles, and a few days later wrote ” Santa for a gift, in front of her sister who is 3 so still believes, asking for one thingnI had said I would not buy her.
So yeah – I just don’t classify it as a lie but make-believe fun, and don’t think if handled properly it causes harm. Kind of like ho if we go to a magic show I don’t scream out after every trick that it wasn’t actually magic and reveal how it was done.
Also as followup to my lie above – thanks for the shoutout! 🙂 – I did indeed say werewolfs would come, but my 9 year old rolled her eyes in disbelief, and my 3 year old just started yelling louder ” Werewolf! Werewolf! Come here!!” and then started shrieking it louder and louder. Not in fear. To call them. So epic fail as was mean thing to say, plus didn’t work 😉
We say we have a special app on our phones that lets Santa know if our 3 year old doesn’t behave
we are planning a trip to disney world this coming march. you better believe i am going to be telling my boys about it being called ‘the happiest place on earth’ because no one is allowed to whine. brilliant!
You are right, Santa is the biggest lie of all. I hope to tell our 2 yo the truth, straight up, when he eventually asks. LOL on the ice cream truck lies!
My oldest daughter is nicknamed Sassy for a reason. When she was 3, my husband and I made a conscious decision to tell the truth about Santa after the following conversation.
“Mommy, why do I be good for Santa?”
“Because Santa only brings good children gifts.”
“Dats a wie (lie) mommy. Untle Michael is bad but he gets peasants (sp).”
“……” Busted.
Also got busted on the tooth fairy because a vague conversation with her when she was 4 about fairies not being real. So when she was 7, and on her 5th tooth to come out she ‘fessed up and told me she knew I was the Tooth Fairy because of (entire fairies not being real story). I can’t believe she remembered the entire thing!
“…….”
Kids should not be allowed to remember stuff so vividly.
I tell my daugher the car can’t move unless she’s buckled in to her carseat. And I am totally stealing that Disney World line, when we eventually go.
My In-laws lived hours away so a visit usually had us home after 10pm. Instead of beds the kids all wanted their nighttime baths, I would tell them I wasn’t home to check and we are out of bath water until tomorrow.
“Our TV does not get Nickelodeon (for the mere fact that I cannot stand Sponge Bob.)” – Kelly H.
This is the best.
I never believed in Santa. My mom always said he was “just a nice story”, & so we never told other kids the truth like some kids do. I never thought I’d lie to my son about Santa, but my husband wants us to have Santa SO MUCH that he convinced me. It really bothers me.
Rachel I am in the same boat. I grew up celebrating Christmas but without believing in Santa, and I hate the idea of lying to my daughter. But my husband and in-laws insist on it. I’m just going to be very half-assed and let her “figure it out” as soon as possible.
These are just THE BEST…love them all.
I’ve got to start stepping up my game with my daughter 🙂
I tell mine that when you become a mommy and daddy you get a special card with Santa’s, the Easter Bunny’s, and the Tooth Fairy’s phone numbers. Works pretty well!
I’m not doing the Santa lie. My girls are almost 3 and I’ve told them that Santa is pretend a few times. Not to be Scrooge but to allay their fears. I’m not sure how much they understand with everyone else acting like he’s a person, but I think they know and are just playing along. I’m comfortable pretending with them but I’m not going out of my way to read them Santa stories, leave presents from Santa, or convince them. i also like the argument that if you do Santa, easter bunny, toothfairy and they end up being fake…how are you supposed to convince you kid God is real. That is, if you are religious. To each his own. Rachel, You don’t have to put too much effort into it, just lightly play along and let the kids figure it out.
We do the deer as Santa’s spies too. 🙂
I find it incredibly ironic that most of the “behavior modification” lies, are about teaching the kids not to lie:)
Interesting debate/perspectives! I respectfully disagree but do like hearing other people’s views. Hopefully you like hearing mine:
For the comparison of Santa vs God, my view is that if when my kids are little and I tell her there is a Santa or Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, and then they finds out as they get older that isn’t true … I don’t see that as having told them a lie that will then make them not believe in God. Rather, I think it can play a different valuable lesson – that not everyone believes in the same thing, and that is OK. To me, it is like kids being raised Christian, to believe in Jesus, and having no clue of any other option – especially if you were like me and raised in a small isolated town where there is no religion OTHER than Christianity. Where the vast majority of children (if not all) are told from the time of birth basically, that you have to believe in Jesus to go to Heaven, there is no other truth. Then finding out when older that hey – there are people who exist who DON’T believe that – because there are Jews, and Muslims, and a multitude of other faiths who actually don’t believe in Jesus at all. And guess what? That is OK!!! It is OK to have one group believe one thing and another believe another, because differences are to be celebrated not rejected.
So to me – Santa can actually be used in that way, as a teaching tool, not something that is used to teach lies but something that can be used to bridge the gaps in religions rather than isolate them further.
And no I am not just spouting off about something I know nothing about – I do use this with my own child. She knows I don’t lie (about anything important, other than my little werewolf snafu I am pretty consistent in my honesty), she had zero trust issues being told that Santa is not real (when she asked directly and I told her), she understands why her sister still believes and that it is OK for her to, and she is completely accepting and respectful of her friends who never did. I can think of no better way to get her set up to be an awesome contribution as an adult!!
Kande, I love the way you handled this. Bravo!
Mommyshorts, this post is a very good reference source for us clueless mommies who feel helpless all the time. I’m SO going to use the deer signs while driving…brilliant!
I use the Disney World line at most places that are just for fun, bouncy places, playlands, crazy pizza places. I tell the kids that these places are only for having fun and if you’re not having fun, the employees are going to make us leave.
And the Ice Cream Truck has always just been the Music Truck. It drives around just to play happy music and spread cheer. My 6yr old might have just recently figured it out when one was next to us at a stop light and she could see the pics on the side close-up. The younger ones still see it and yell “Music Truck!”. And I say “yes it is”.
These are awesome! I can’t believe I made the cut!
We just had a new funny: I always tell the kids I’m not allowed to cross the street without kids holding my hands. It seems to make it more on me than on making them do something they don’t necessarily want to do.
Four kids in, all told the same thing. My eight year old (second child) FINALLY asked me this week, “What happens if you are by yourself?” He’s a quick one, that guy. 😉
I have used MANY of these! And then some! Thanks for some new ideas LOL
Please, please, please don’t let your kids spoil the fun for someone else though. We’re very religious, and believe as well(they are not mutually exclusive, after all), and it is so unfair for kids who don’t to spill the beans. We’ve had some real tears shed by the little ones when the older ones come home questioning the existence of Santa because someone in their class had to open their big mouth. So totally not cool. I can totally respect your stand on it, and your dilemma. Each person parents differently. But kids also need to understand that they should respect other people’s beliefs as well, and kindness should always reign.
I’m the mother of 5, so I’ve told some whoppers over the years! I’ve told them their tounges will turn black if they lie, that they can hide ‘nothing’ from Mama, that if they leave the water running, it will run out and there won’t be anymore (sort of true), the tooth fairy got lost or couldn’t fly in the weather, ect. There have been a lot of them over the years. I call it ‘creative parenting’. but it’s mostly just survival. They outnumber me 5 to 1 and if they ever quit scrapping with eachother and figure that out, I’m doomed!
All lies to live by. And I do think Santa is the biggest lie of all, but I couldn’t find a way around that. But no harm no foul, right?
Oh, and thanks for the shout out. I got traffic from it.
I have to say the lie about the smoke detector being a Santa Cam scares the heck out of me! What happens if there’s a fire and it goes off? They’ll just think they did something Santa didn’t like and they won’t know to get out of the house.
That is a scary game that could have deadly consequences.
I suggest getting an elf on the shelf instead and re-teaching your children what smoke detectors, and especially that sound, really mean!
Actually, just wanted to point out muslims believe in jesus. We believe he was a prophet of God. To believe in all th prophets is one of the main tenets of our faith. He is mentioned in the Quran and a whole chapter in the Quran is named after Mary.
Whether you chose to do Santa or not, back up your decision. We decided early on to not do Santa, and caught flack from everyone, including my in-laws. We had to defend our stance over and over again to almost every family member. I wouldn’t change our stance at all, we are who we are by what happens in our lives. Our kids are raised in a very honesty above all policy and are happy. It doesn’t matter what you choose, just stick to your guns. The less back and forth, the better. And to those who say telling the truth about Santa kills the imagination of a child haven’t met my kids. My son constantly tells me about his fights with alligators and having to swing across giant lava rivers to get away from them…Didn’t even know he knew about lava.
I completely agree about telling your kids to not ruin it for others. My children wouldn’t dream of hurting another person in any way so to them it was never an option to spill the beans to classmates.
I did not know that, but thank you for letting me know. It is great to hear about other faiths!
Of course telling the truth about Santa doesn’t kill a child’s imagination – anymore than NOT telling the truth about Santa to a young child sets them up for life to believe in lies or to being doomed for a life of thinking their parents are less than honest.
It’s all about perspective and as you said – trusting your own instincts about how to parent your own kids. If parents choose to not let their kids believe in Santa, I don’t have a problem with that at all – what I have a problem with is with parents who take the other extreme and are completely offended at anyone who would make-believe Santa is real with their own kids (not on this blog, as I know Ilana is a humour writer and her posts are very funny). As I said in a comment above – me pretending Santa is real with my kids, until they are old enough to question the logic behind it, is (in my opinion) no more wrong than me attending a magic show and not screaming out after each trick that it was not “really” magic.
My kid’s only believe the plausible lies. The twins will sometimes buy the whole “your nose grows when you lie” lines…if big brother doesn’t rat on me. Older brother is too literal. He once said he hated Walmart and I said Walmart hated him too because he whined so much in there that it hurt Walmart’s ears. He tells me (he’s 5) that Walmart has no ears, eyes or mouth and isn’t alive so it can’t hate him. It’s just a store. When he saw a Santa on the sidewalk, he says with disgust that it’s not the real Santa. I brought out the whole Santa’s helpers and spies story (again). He says, no, they just do it for money, it’s just a job. He does believe in Santa though, Santa’s about the only fantasy lie he will believe in.
These are all hilarious! I just bought an Elf on the Shelf, and the first morning my almost three-year-old informed me that he was plastic and couldn’t talk, so obviously wouldn’t be reporting any of her evil deeds back to Santa. FAIL. All my hopes for a well-behaved toddler were thrown out the window!
I tell my son that the eggs in the refrigerator have baby chickens in them that are napping so he stops poking them every time I open the fridge.