In the cutthroat world of superior parenting, there seems to be no greater bragging rights than Olympic Medal Gold.

Your baby is all but ensured an easy path into the best colleges— excuse me, UNIVERSITIES— and you won't even have to pay for them. Let's say "SCHOLARSHIP" all together!

An American gold medalist makes a guaranteed $25,000 and that's before endorsements. Michael Phelps made $43 million the year after he won his medals and $4 million just last year for basically, smoking pot and rinsing off in the pool.

Breeding an Olympic athlete seems quite easy, actually. All you have to do is feed them massive stacks of pancakes and tell them to work it off by running laps around the track while you chase them with your car.

Fifteen years later and your Olympic sprinter is raking in big bucks while you get to travel the world on their coattails. Everybody wins.

But there's one more factor that you must consider if you are serious about breeding Olympic greatness.

You must have FULL CONFIDENCE in your child's athletic prowess even before your child is born. You must have so much confidence that when you select a name for your brand new baby, it's a name that would sound absolutely ridiculous on anyone other than an Olympic medal holder.

You must pick a name that TV announcers will repeat and repeat, just for the fun of it. A name that rolls off Bob Costas's tongue like butter.

You must pick a name like DESTINEE HOOKER.

Now, some might have questioned her parent's sanity when she was born but I can only name one other volleyball player in the history of volleyball playing, so… looks like her parents were a lot smarter than people gave them credit.

There's also Yoo-Suk Kim, a South Korean pole vaulter, whose parents guaranteed everyone in the stands will be chanting their son's name regardless of whether they are rooting for him to win or lose.

Other 2012 Olympic athletes include Lars Boom (cycling), Karen Cockburn (trampoline), Queen Underwood (boxing), Aye Aye Aung (judo), Hope Solo (football), Storm Uru (rowing), Sara Radman (gymnastics) and a Brazilian soccer player who's just goes by— Hulk.

I'm thinking "Winner Wiles" has a nice ring to it. What do you think?


Last chance to vote in the "Worst Baby Name Competition". So far Pickle Wickham is in the lead followed by Des T Roy. 

Olympic inspired baby gear clockwise from left: Olympic booties from Bootie Boutique, Wenlock Mascot as Queen's Guard, American Flag pacifier holder from My Wooby & Me, patriotic barrettes from Addy Ann A Bowtique, gold medal toddler tee from Kakabaka, London subway map bib from SewnNatural, London double decker bus toy from Baby Republic, American flag diaper cover from Sweet Chicky, Olympic rings necklace from Viola's Boutique