6D769C4C-6A32-49F9-93D8-62A12B215113On Wednesday night, Mike and I went to see a special screening of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, the new ensemble comedy based on the pregnancy guide book every mother I know, including myself, read like a bible before their first kid.

I found myself standing in front of a stunning Elizabeth Banks on the escalator and practically tripping over Brooklyn Decker on my way out.

Why am I never informed that there will be actual stars at these things so I can dress accordingly??

I’m not sure what is required of a blogger when they are invited to such an event (especially when they would like to remain on whatever magical list they were mistakenly put on) but in the interest of being honest, here’s my one phrase review that I bet will be used by every professional movie critic in the biz:

“What to Expect is… exactly what you would expect.” -Ilana Wiles, Mommy Shorts

Thank you, thank you very much.

This means it wasn’t particularly bad or particularly good— but I enjoyed it anyway (or at least parts of it), because it had a few truly relatable moments.

For instance, the whole movie might have been worth the farting peeing breakdown delivered by a very pregnant Elizabeth Banks as she publically declared bullshit on “the pregnancy glow”.

In fact, if the whole movie was centered around the Elizabeth Bank’s storyline (which would include the Brooklyn Decker/Dennis Quaid story and could have easily included Dad’s Group, a funny bit led by Chris Rock), the movie would have been a lot better.

The other storylines (Cameron Diaz as a pregnant reality star, Jennifer Lopez’s Ethiopian adoption and Chace Crawford’s unfortunate one night stand) felt under-developed and not nearly as funny. (Although I did cry when Jennifer Lopez finally met her baby because I cry at everything these days.)

144039879Actually, I’m sure I could come up with a place for Chace Crawford in my new streamlined Elizabeth Banks focused movie, because the boy’s face really deserves to be on film at all times.

Preferrably playing on the ceiling of my bedroom.

Speaking of dirty thoughts about young boys (although, Chace is ten years past legal— I checked), in addition to the star-studded screening, Mike and I attended the after party where Mr. Eyebrows himself was in attendance.

Who knew blogging would get me invited to events like this? And why didn’t I start blogging in my early twenties when I could have really taken advantage of an open bar in such close proximity to one of the best looking guys on the planet?

Of course, if I was in my early twenties, Chace Crawford wouldn’t yet be legal and I might get myself arrested. And even at 16, he would have been distracted by the myriad of models teetering around him and probably wouldn’t have noticed the girl hoarding guacamole at the food table (some things never change)— but you get the point.

Anyway, the second I spotted him, adult Ilana spontaneously combusted and a thirteen year-old girl took my place. I haven’t been that giggly since I saw Christain Slater on the street in the height of Heathers fame.

Mike tried to talk me into going up to him so he could snap a picture as an early Mother’s Day gift. That felt too creepy for words and I declined.

I am just not the going-up-to-a-famous-person-to-ask-them-for-a-photo type. And I most certainly am not the going-up-to-a-ridiculously-attractive-manboy-who-stars-in-a-show-meant-for-teenagers-and-admitting-that-I-have-seen-every-episode-I-LOVE-YOU-Nate-Archibald! type.

Although I do recognize that a photo of myself and Chace Crawford would make an excellent end to this post.

But alas, this photo will have to do.

Photo (32)

That’s him behind the potted plant.

Not the guy facing the potted plant, the guy fully obscured by the potted plant so you can’t see him whatsoever.

You’ll just have to trust me.

And Mike obviously still has work to do on his Mother’s Day gift.


Tonight I’m having a Mother’s Day themed twitter party sponsored by Britely at 9-10pm EST under the hashtag #MakeMomBrite. I’ll be giving out prizes including a $250 SpaFinder.com gift card and four $50 Amazon gift cards. If you’d like to come, please RSVP here!