I made the list below with the firm belief that the ridiculous parenting stories regularly coming out of Park Slope are in fact the same three to four people successfully making a mockery of an entire community.
To the other PS parents, I hope you take this as a joke. I could move to Brooklyn one day and you guys already scare the shit out of me.
If you ever find me on the sidewalks of Park Slope throwing away my diaper genie instead of upcycling it into a cactus planter or something, say hi and don't judge me, 'mmmkay?
The following is based on both actual news stories and my own fairly-realistic assumptions.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PARK SLOPE PARENT IF…
1. Your biggest enemies are on a community message board.
2. You had a baby so you would have someone else to knit for.
3. You asked if anybody lost a boy's hat in the playground and the first response was, "What kind of stereotyping fifties throwback are you that you would classify an item of clothing ALONG GENDER LINES???!!!"
4. You took out a second mortgage to put your kids through preschool.
5. You judge other parents by what they are willing to give away at the toy swap.
6. You don't appreciate the irony between paying $1000 for a Bugaboo and reusing cloth diapers.
7. You think the ice cream truck is pure evil, second only to the makers of inorganic milk.
8. Your coffee order includes at least three BABYCCINOS.
9. When you found out Michelle Williams named her daughter Matilda, you thought it was a terrible name, but by the time you had your own daughter, you were pissed she thought of it first.
10. You were applauded for showing up to a birthday party with an unwrapped gift.
11. Your harshest punishment is having your child take over your shift at the food co-op.
12. Your child mastered 'Downward Facing Dog' before he could walk.
13. The cruelest thing you've ever said in the heat of the moment was, "I hope your kid gets waitlisted for kindergarten."
14. You have successfully convinced your children that kale chips are a "special treat".
15. You fantasize about being friends with Maggie Gyllenhaal.
16. Your child refuses to eat mac n' cheese unless it's "locally-sourced".
17. You've pretended to be a lesbian to receive the secret maternity wear discount.
18. You started a radish farm on your fire escape to gain access to the exclusive "Artisanal-Only Mom's Group".
19. You saw someone changing a diaper on top of a bar and were outraged because the diaper was disposable.
20. After nine months of painstaking thought and consideration, you named your daughter "Edwina" for the perfect blend of unique-old-world-irony and then were devastated to learn that five of her preschool classmates answered to the same name.
Alright, I'm out. I was gonna write something about ending a friendship over stroller storage envy but then I realized— that's me. Feel free to contribute your own!
You can purchase the "Je t'aime Brooklyn" onesie pictured up top at Pink Olive.