If you haven’t already heard, in addition to denying a dad entry into the NICU to see his twin premies, Beyonce spent 1.3 million dollars to “redecorate” a wing of the Lenox Hill Hospital maternity ward before she gave birth to a baby that has been officially deemed way-more-precious-than-your-baby, Blue Ivy Carter. (Update: Reports have been denied.)
Instead of whining about the injustices of the 99%, I would like to take advantage of the fact that Beyonce lives in my city and presume that when Blue Ivy leaves the comfort of her 2200 square foot nursery, she will be sharing the same NYC sidewalks as my baby girl.
In other words, if Beyonce’s two days of motherhood are any indication, there are a lot of Mazzy-frequented places that could potentially be next in line for lavish redecoration, aka the “Blue Ivy” treatment.
I would like to submit five for advance consideration.
1) THE TOMPKINS SQUARE PLAYGROUND
The playground is lovely and certainly a huge improvement from the needle-laden-drug-infested park of the early eighties. But often I find myself waiting for an available swing. I would like to propose a VIP swing area, roped off and open only to those who know the secret password. (Password to be decided by me and shared at my discretion.)
In addition, I would like a doorman hired to man the playground’s outer iron gate. Not to deny anyone access, just to open the impossibly heavy door latch. I pinch my finger in it at least once a week.
2) MY PEDIATRICIAN’S OFFICE
We take Mazzy to a small practice which we love but unfortunately, the limited square footage makes it impossible to bring your stroller indoors. All strollers must be parked and locked like bicycles outside. I would like to propose that Beyonce pay for a screened-in sunroom in which to house the strollers. This way I can leave Mazzy’s snack trapper of cheddar bunnies on the seat without worrying a pigeon might poop in it.
3) ALL NYC RESTAURANT BATHROOMS
Most NYC restaurant bathrooms are so small, they feel like they have been designed specifically for the Smurfs. Good luck finding a sink counter, let alone a changing table. In desperate circumstances, I have been forced to change my baby’s diaper on a changing pad placed on the floor. (I’m sure Beyonce just dry heaved at the thought.)
I would like to propose the installation of a fold-down changing station in every restaurant in Manhattan. The changing station would contain a supply of both diapers and wipes, to be restocked by Beyonce’s numerous lackeys. This way in addition to having a clean surface to change my baby, I can ditch the diaper bag and carry a fashionable clutch in it’s place.
4) JFK AIRPORT
The airport is a pain in the ass especially when you are maneuvering through it with a small child. The worst part is when you finally get to your gate, there is no way to quarantine your child. Stand them on the ground and they’ve got unlimited space to run around. It’s added stress at the exact moment you are trying to get into a good headspace for your flight.
I propose redesigning the waiting area to include a large gated playroom. Throw your kid in, close the gate, and then relax until boarding. While you’re at it, it would be nice if all planes were outfitted with a daycare center in the back. Add Elmo’s World played on a loop at baggage claim and travel should be massively improved for parents everywhere.
5) MY OFFICE LACATION ROOM
I no longer use it but man, was that place disgusting. Basically a small tiled bathroom without a toilet next to the elevators. I would like to propose creating the “Beyonce Lactation Room Fund” which requires every corporate office in Manhattan to convert a spacious conference room into a comfortable lounge complete with private pumping stations, an empty fridge, subscriptions to numerous magazines and most importantly, a pump washing attendant, so you can minimize the annoyance and get back to work.
6) MY APARTMENT
I know it’s highly unlikely that Beyonce will be having a playdate with Mazzy any time soon. But this is NYC, it’s a smaller city than it seems, and we must protect Blue Ivy from all possible circumstances, no matter how far-fetched.
I would like to propose the expansion of our apartment to include a playroom, a crafts room and a large walk-in toy closet. Where will we get this sudden access to space? The apartment next door. Yes, someone currently lives there. But I’m sure Beyonce can easily woo them away with promises of Grammy tickets, backstage concert passes and signed memorabilia.
If that doesn’t work, she can offer them a fabulously decorated apartment otherwise known as a wing of the maternity ward at Lenox Hill Hospital.
For 1.3 million dollars, she did get to keep it, no?
If you had unlimited funds, what places would you lavishly redecorate for your child?