WARNING: Remember Monday’s post about “The Happy Swing”? Well, this post has even more nausea-inducing potential. Sorry. 

Hello! Welcome to the NYC EXPECTANT MOTHER CULINARY TOUR! I hope you brought your appetite!

First stop is Babycakesone of my favorite organic lactose-free bakeries (it’s way more delicious than it sounds) on the Lower East Side. At Babycakes, we will be indulging in “Beyonce’s Baby Bump Bun”— a bun in the precise size of Beyonce’s unborn fetus! Think I’m making this up? See below!

Each week, Babycakes will be altering the size of their buns to match the estimated size of Beyonce’s ACTUAL BUN. Literally, a bun in the oven. I recommend going there at WEEK 39 when that bun could be 7-8 pounds!

Where to next? We’re off to Essex Street for some sweet and sours at The Pickle Guys. Why? Because pickles pair wonderfully with frosted fetus! And The Pickle Guys have the best gherkins in town.

Still hungry? How ’bout detouring into Brooklyn for a taste of what’s cooking in Jennifer Mayer’s Kitchen? On most days, it’s a lovely stew of seasoned placenta!

Think that’s a ripe and juicy tomato simmering in that pot? Think again! Read all about Jennifer’s recipes in NY magazine. If placenta stew doesn’t float your boat— no worries, Jennifer will dry your placenta and crush it into capsule form. Did I not mention it was your OWN placenta? Of course it is, silly! It would be DISGUSTING otherwise, right?

So now that we’ve got carbs, veggies and protein under our maternity belts, who wants a little dairy? Let’s wander over to Chelsea where you can stop at Klee Brasserie* for a sample of Breast Milk Cheese! You heard me right. But don’t worry— it’s not like it’s taken from some random stranger. It’s sourced directly from the chef’s wife! Talk about keeping it local. YUM!!!!!

Still starving? We’ve got one final stop. It’s called DESSERT and it’s at Momofuku Milk Bar. Crack Pie, Cereal Milk Soft Serve, Birthday Cake Truffles and Compost Cookies.

Nothing disgusting about any of them. Except if you start counting calories. But who’s counting calories? You’re preggers!



Special apologies to my Jewish readers. Dip some apples in honey and forget this ever happened. Happy New Year!

*Klee Brasserie closed this summer and will be re-opening as an Austrian Wine Tavern some time this fall. Hmmm…. I wonder what went wrong??