Dr. B (our early childhood development specialist) is taking the day off. To the woman who's two-year-old is throwing sippy cups at the back of her head while she's driving, I apologize but your question will be answered next week. I hope you don't sustain any head injuries in the interim.


Today I have a terrifying video of my 19 month-old singing the ABCs that I'd like you all to evaluate. "Terrifying" might be strong. Let's go with— "adorably concerning".

Let me give you some background.

Mazzy has been acting increasingly… what's the word? Like she's on CRACK. I don't know how most children act because I've only got the one, and prior to having her, I avoided all children like the plague. So it's possible that everybody sees daily or hourly episodes like the one I am about to show you. 

But I also know that the other day, I went to the Museum of Natural History with a friend and her 21 month-old boy. As Mazzy was running at the speed of light back and forth from one side of the "Hall of Ocean Life" to the other, my friend turned to me, child's hand in hers, and asked— "Is she always like this?"

Ummm… Yes?

Mazzy does not sit still— not even for Elmo. And she approaches everything (bubbles, hair dryers, sprinklers, etc.) with unmatchable enthusiasm (except maybe by Robin Williams)— grin from ear to ear, hands clapping wildly, eyes blinking incredulously, body propelled perpetually forward (usually towards a sharp edge or a socket).

Don't get me wrong— it is cute as hell. But it also looks like I feed her a steady diet of swizzle sticks and gatorade. (I don't, I swear.)

Before I subject you to the video, I must offer the caveat that it is an unedited 3 minutes and 15 seconds long. I usually make it a policy to keep all videos 45 seconds or below because I don't think anyone wants to watch a 3 minute video of someone else's child unless it's scripted and produced by Judd Apatow. Unfortunately, to fully appreciate the progression of this seemingly-sugar-or-drug-induced frenzy, you must watch it in it's entirety.


a) You hate children

b) You have sensitive ears

c) You don't want to feel threatened by the future President of the United States

d) You have other things to do

Alright. Ready? (Feel free to press "stop" at any time.)

Are you out the other side alive?

If so, tell me— should I be putting Xanax in her milk?

Please help.