Four years ago today, Mike and I got married. In all honesty, our wedding day was one of the best in my life. It even beat out Mazzy's birth because of the whole contractions/placenta thing.
But even the best days have minor mishaps. Especially weddings.
My wedding mishaps included the longest Horah of all time (despite numerous not so subtle signals/threats from myself to the lead singer), a relative I'd never met calling me moments before I walked down the aisle to arrange transportation so she could leave right after the ceremony, a broken video camera that made our wedding footage seizure-inducing, and a BATSHIT CRAZY wedding coordinator that was in danger of being murdered by Mike at all times.
But perhaps the most memorable mishap was the moment my mom almost cut my lady parts with a huge-ass pair of scissors.
I'll elaborate.
My dress had about 5000 buttons up the back which had to be fastened with this little hook thing. Then a black sash was tied around the waist. It took five people nearly a full hour to tie and retie that sash before it was done correctly.
Finally, after everything was perfect (I didn't starve myself for two months for nothing, you know), we all got in line to walk down the aisle. After each of the bridesmaids exited and I was left only with my mom and my sister, I decided I had to go to the bathroom.
There was one problem with this.
Underneath my dress, I was wearing perhaps the longest pair of Spanx you have ever seen in your life. They started just above the knee, went up past my stomach and ended just shy of my face. Without the dress, I looked like a genital-less Barbie doll. (SEXY!)
Panic hit as soon as I realized someone would have to untie the sash and undo all the buttons so that I could pull down my underwear.
Then my mother had a BRILLIANT idea.
She yelled out to the batshit crazy wedding coordinator for a pair of scissors. The wedding was on a working ranch, so Batshit handed my mother something that looked like a pair of gardening shears. (Please don't read anything into that.)
Then the three of us walked over to a tiny half bathroom (a room only a few square inches larger than the toilet) and squeezed ourselves in. Once properly balanced, my sister pulled my dress up over my head and I blindly felt around my crotch for a good spot to cut the Spanx as my mom stood there brandishing the gardening shears.
It was TERRIFYING, to say the least.
But just as my mom announced she was "going for it"— I realized Spanx is a way more sophisticated piece of equipment than I gave credit.
Spanx has a BUILT-IN CROTCH HOLE in case of this exact scenario! (Or other scenarios, I'm sure.)
"ABORT! ABORT!" I screamed as my mom breathed a sigh of relief and put down the lady bit slicers.
So. The next time you are at a wedding where you find yourself waiting an inordinately long time for the bride, know that this is what's happening. She's got two people lifting her dress up over head as she tries her best not to piss on herself on her wedding day.
Or lose her labia.
I LOVE YOU, MIKE! Happy Anniversary!
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What was your worst/funniest wedding mishap? Everyone's got one.
I love your black and white theme, especially your gorgeous dress & that cake. I’m trying to persuade my future sister-in-law to go the way of black & white (so classy!), so perhaps your pictures will sway it a little more. Also? Love the truck!
And I just spit out my tea laughing at the Spanx and near labia-losing incident. Who’d have thought you’d be wearing that under THAT DRESS??
I did not have a wedding so I have nothing to share. I did have pictures taken (by my brother in law with a point + shoot camera) at the beach – me in my cheongsam, my husband in his suit. And there were near naked people in the background. Yay (nay).
First, you’re wedding looks fabulous. Second, that’s really funny. The last place you want to lose your labia is on a working ranch.
I have no wedding stories even close to that one.
Happy Anniversary.
What beautiful pictures!! You look gorgeous and your husband is so cute! YOU ALMOST GOT YOUR LADY PARTS CUT??????????????? So glad you realized what you realized about Spanx when you did. We got married almost 12 years ago and I’m trying to figure out my wedding mishap. You’re right, we do all have them! Hmmmm… I can’t even remember! That’s awful!
You said ‘labia’. Giggle.
Okay, seriously, it wasn’t enough for you to make a beautiful genius baby but you had to have a big fuck off wedding of gorgeousness in which you were ridiculously skinny and by the way, are you Alanis Morrissette? Was it?
What?
Happy Anniversary, you crazy kids.
OH love the ranch! We also had a black and white wedding. Easies planning EVER because everything matched!
Our funny story was the best man stripping down to his pants and vest and giving his dad a lap dance…relatives still talk about it when we meet up…”Oh that Jason is a piece of work!”…
That and our wedding video was given special effects…so at the end they do a mirror effect where they zoom in and out…well they do that to my husband’s aunt with crazy blond hair. Looks like a giant vagina with blond bush. We die laughing every time we watch it!
Happy Anniversary!
It’s been 12 years but I vividly remember this crazy lady blowing bubbles at us (instead of rice thank the Lord) and falling all into the bushes. I mean full on funniest home videos – needs to be pulled out because there is no way you can get yourself out kind of into the bushes. Hysterical.
I love your theme and the dresses! The spanx funny is hilarious!
What a beautiful wedding, and you looked great! I’m so jealous.
My wedding was purely for the enjoyment of my dying grandmother so nothing was really what I wanted. The funniest memory anyone has is of the photographer who had to wiggle his ass before every shot, he was, ahem, interesting. But the joke was on us because our photos were crap, and my mom ruined every one she was in by turning her head away from the camera.
The worst mishap was the accident that happened on the freeway nearby which caused about half of the guests (all my side too) to be an hour late. Thanks guys.
Fabulous, gorgeous wedding! I love weddings. I love them more when they are laced with humor. I’m laughing nearly to tears! Happy Anniversary!
I just want to pile on with what a beautiful, classy wedding you had! Okay – seriously – I have a good one! My wedding ceremony took place in the ballroom at an officers club (my Dad is a retired USAF Col.). As part of our brief ceremony, we had a unity candle lighting, wherein both partners use individual candles to light a single one. Well, the unity candle was a disaster from the outset, because the Justice of the Peace and I crossed wires and I didn’t bring one. Okay- so we produce a taper. No problem. However, while lighting the candle, my husband managed to extinguish my personal candle (thereby raising a guffaw from the audience). Hardy har. The worst was yet to come. After we had recessed and the reception was commencing (in the same room) the taper burned down and lit the tablecloth on fire. My father-in-law reportedly extinguished it just in time with a glass of wine. The only good part of this is that I suppose you could say our unity was about to set the world on fire. (Ba dum DUM!) Congrats on your anniversary. Our seventh was just last week!
happy anniversary to you! And to your vagina!
Happy anniversary!I too have me some serious Spanx but I have yet to use the pee hole.
It freaks my freak.
My hubs make fun of my when I wear them and says I look like a sausage.
Even though we got married out of state, and selected most of our vendors by price and likeability over the phone, our wedding basically had no major mishaps…
That being said, I was none to pleased when my DJ, whom we asked to play Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind as our reception entrance song(we’re huge Yankee fans) played the Darth Vadar theme song from Empire Strikes Back instead.
Happy Anniversary! Your wedding looked BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Awesome!! I have a similar spanx/pee story. But the scissors never came into thought, thank goodness! We wiggled those puppies on and off and I can now say my dear friend will really do anything for me.
Your venue is GORGEOUS! Where was this?
That is hysterical!!! What a beautiful wedding and Happy Anniversary! Our wedding had a couple of funny moments. First, I told the DJ absolutely NO BUBBLES..NO TACKY BUBBLES!! Well, when we had our first dance, guess what happens..EFFING Bubbles! The funny part is that the photographer got a great shot of the look on my face when I saw them. Funny now but not then! Later on in the evening, I swear (although she won’t admit it) my crazy Aunt gave my Mom a xanax. I took my veil off and turned around to find my Mom with it on her head grooving to the B-52’s. WTH? Once again, funny now. Not so much then:)
Beautiful wedding! And your story is hilarious. I had two mishaps. First, my dress ripped when I hugged my very first guest at the cocktail reception after the ceremony. It had a strap that went around one arm, just off the shoulder and it just ripped right open. I ran to the ladies’ and was happy that we stocked it with emergency supplies and safety pinned myself together. I gave one armed hugs the rest of the night. Second, my shoe came off my foot under my dress during our first dance. I desperately whispered to my husband, “box step! box step!” so we would hover over the shoe until I managed to find it and get my foot back into it. Both minor mishaps, labia happily out of danger.
Happy Anniversary — the wedding was gorgeous!
I have blocked out most of our finer wedding day moments but I do remember 1) my husband not being able to understand the vows through the priest’s thick Indian accent; 2) my MIL telling me my ass “won’t look as wide” if I pulled my sash tighter and 3) the moment 3 shots of whiskey were spilled on my dress by two groomsmen.
But somehow it was still a fabulous day. Except, it turns out, that was just the tip of the iceberg with my MIL.
Two things: one, my pastor ACTUALLY said “sexual intercourse” during his sermon…and yes, he was talking about my husband and I having sex. In front of my father. And grandfather. Second, during the reception, a few of our friend’s decided to form a high-kick can-can line. It was while later watching that portion of the video that we discovered one of the can-caners was in fact NOT wearing panties. Yikes.
That is hilarious.
The staff at the hotel where I had my wedding were all freaking insane. Not just one or two employees either, but like ALL of them. It was one disaster after another. Like “Excuse me, bride. We’re not putting out more food unless you agree to pay more. I know half your guests haven’t been to the buffet yet…” I remember we swung by the walk in fridge to replace a rose in a bouquet that snapped off on our way down to the service, and the DJ didn’t start the music at the right time so the photos lined up with it for the slideshow, but that was minor stuff. Honestly the staff at the hotel was the only major problem.
Your wedding was beautiful, and it looks like it was so much fun! Happy anniversary!
My first wedding took place in my childhood church, but my soon-to-be husband and I had recently moved back to the area and didn’t know the current pastor very well. My fiance’s last name was long and Japanese (although he didn’t look it), and even though the pastor had practiced pronouncing it during our marriage counseling session, he never once pronounced it correctly during the ceremony! It was funny the first couple of times, but as the ceremony went on (and the pronunciations got more ridiculous–he never said it the same way twice), I could see that my fiance’s family was starting to get MAD! He probably said it seven or eight different ways that day, and somehow managed to NEVER get it right.
Happy anniversary! I absolutely love your pictures! So beautiful.
Nothing too spectacular happened at our wedding. There was the fact that the idiot cake decorator called my husband in the morning and said that we couldn’t have the cake that we wanted because it was for more people than we were having. (The cake was part of a package, but I still don’t understand what the problem was.) My very smart husband said, then don’t make one of the layers. DUH!
Also about an hour before the wedding an ex-boyfriend (who’s parents were invited bc they were friends of my parents) called my dad to see if he and his girlfriend (the one that he dumped me for) could come to the wedding. Thankfully he said no.
I was also so not happy with the discount photographer we had that was a friend of my dad. My dad now regrets hiring him and the fact that he was too cheap to pay for a videographer. It would be so nice to have a video of that fun night. Especially the fact that everyone was wasted due to the awesome champagne fountain we had!
Mishps… oh my, there were more funny moments involved with my wedding than anyone would believe… from the aunt who goosed my husband during the dollar dance, to the drunk relative who tried to stuff money in my dress as he left… but the real funny stuff was after the wedding. We went to say goodbye to DH’s little girls and one threw up everywhere, went to change at my parents house and my (completely sober) husband fell through a window in my parents hallway – luckily no major injuries. We showed up more than two hours late to our wedding night b&b to find the owners (two elderly men in smoking jackets) wouldn’t take our cash after it was discovered that my wallet was back in the hotel room with the little girls (an hour away). We offered to go back and get the wallet, but the said no, they were going to bed. We ended up driving an hour back to stay at a relative’s house… waking up in the morning to a screaming frenchman… Not the wedding night of our dreams, but we’ll certainly never forget it!
Happy Anniversary, Ilana and Mike!
Your wedding was as beautiful as it looks here! Some of my all time favorite pictures are from that day. Of course, you’re not in any of them!
I’ve heard that this is a common phenomenon, but I got my period (completely out of the blue and a full week early) on my wedding day. I was in the midst of doing EXACTLY what you describe in the last paragraph of this post in an empty bathroom in the basement of the St. Louis Art Museum armed with my sister, two bridesmaids, and…of course, the photographer.
Since the only thing I could see was miles and miles of white satin, my sister had to actually tell me in her “Uh…Houston we have a problem” way. I had EIGHT bridesmaids, two female photographers, two of my groomsmen’s girlfriends, and 3 different emergency kits, but not. one. damn. tampon.
Various members of my wedding party were seen that day approaching strangers in an art museum whisper for sanitary products. 15 minutes later, one of my girls produced an applicator-less tampon. I had NEVER seen one until then so I had to ask how they work. At which part I started telling everyone how foul those things are and refused to “finger myself on my wedding day.” Yeah, I’m a peach.
So, eventually we found a real tampon and my sister went about getting SMASHED. Later on, I found out she had been drunkenly telling several of my wedding guests about getting my period. How do I know? I received a seriously graphic and uncomfortable education from my aunt about how consummating the marriage (no matter what the circumstances) is biblical and VERY important.
My stories do not compare . . . and let me add your wedding looks like it was fab.
What happened at mine? I got super cranky with my nieces hating EVERYTHING but still wanting to be in the wedding. Their mom thinks weddings are supremely stupid, and I had had so much of the “we want to be here but let us tell you everything you’re doing is stupid” that I told a little girl “I don’t care” in response to what felt like her 50th complaint in the last 10 minutes. I still feel like a total jerk. My only defense is that I was 21 and not yet trying not to be an a**hole.
But the funniest is probably my sister forgetting her speech and then winging it, which happened before dinner but after multiple rounds of champagne. In the pictures, it was light when her toast started and dark when my brother gently took the mike away.
My mom got kind of drunk too, and kept saying the funniest stuff out of the blue, like “we are not doing a receiving line now!” as if someone had asked if we should after dinner, when people were starting to dance.
Oh, I hope you’re able to do something fun to celebrate! Loved your story. As a pastor, I warn couples that there will always be something that goes awry before, during or after the service, and to approach things with a sense of humor. The day has never been perfect for anyone! But it does give us something to laugh about years later.
My MIL was embarrassing and inappropriate, but since that was how she always had been (and has been since) I wasn’t surprised. The ceremony took place in my parents’ back yard next to my mom’s large flower garden. (They lived in the country at that time) I didn’t know it at the time, but most of the attendees weren’t paying attention to the service, but at the HUGE spider crawling up the back of my dress. It kept slipping down the slippery material, so it never reached my waist. When I moved forward for the unity candle, it tumbled down my dress and disappeared. For the rest of the service, folks debated whether it had crawled under my dress, or had scuttled off into the grass. At least they were entertained!
Your wedding photos are beautiful, mainly because you made such a lovely bride!
Our DJ played Pour Some Sugar On Me and our crazy friend Carter asked permission to “perform” with it. We knew what we were getting into, but we agreed anyway. The 5-6 minute performance included him singing on the mic, the entire room gathering in a circle around him, him taking his shirt off and sliding across the floor, and eventually him humping my mother-in-law’s leg as she looked on in horror. The sections of our wedding photos were: “Getting Ready”, “Ceremony”, “Reception”, etc, and “Pour Some Sugar On Me”.
We had several people having ‘relations’ in the basement of the reception hall. The police were called. It’s not a real wedding reception unless there’s live porn and a sprinkling of po-po.
That’s hilarious. I’m tempted to post this on Accessories Magazine’s Facebook page and tag Spanx but not sure how they feel about genital mutilation.
Your wedding looked gorgeous!! Love the bridesmaids drdsses too.
As for our mishap:
Which shall I choose?
The monsoon that swept thru NYC for 4 hours and made us order a last minute tent for the cocktail portion for a zillion dollars that STILL blew over so we couldn’t use it?
Or maybe my wedding planner doing shots with my friends instead of doing her job?
Or the fact that our interfaith minister wore a yarmulke (surely my mom’s doing) even though we specified we didn’t want any religion mentioned since it was a mixed wedding?
Ah, memories. But it was still a great wedding!
Happy Anniversary!
What a beautiful, fun wedding you had! Save the labia slicing part.
Our wedding was pretty basic – all home made stuff (dress, by my sister; cake by my momma; flowers by my Girl A…) Anyway – the “fun” was that both Mr. Kiss and I were up violently ill the night before the wedding. Shuking. Fun times. And then my niece (who was 12 at the time) puked in the limo on the way to the reception. Her mother is such a caring person, she asked me [bride, remember?] to help her kid puke so she could head to the bar. Good times, those were!
I guess the best part about us being sick was that we didn’t drink at all – I remember everything!
First, Happy Anniversary!
Secondly, your wedding decor was swoon-worthy. I love how rustic it was and I LOVE the bridesmaids’ dresses!
Third, I also had to pee right before I walked down the aisle. What’s up with that anyway?
And finally, I think the most WTF mishap at my wedding came when my MIL informed me right in the middle of Hubs and I having our pictures taken that his grandmother’s ride had left for the reception without her, so she was just going to ride on the limo bus with us, mmmm-kay? Never mind that my mom had sent out a newsletter (which my MIL didn’t read) specifically stating that, because we were being announced as we exited the bus, ONLY wedding party attendants were to be on the bus. Never mind that the bus was packed to capacity with 20 people – I was trying to picture this teeny 84-year-old woman surrounded by loud, beer-chugging groomsmen. I’m pretty sure somewhere in my photographer’s “discard” pile, there’s a photo of me looking completely dumbstruck.
In the end, after she copped an attitude with me for politely informing her that we really needed to find Grammie another ride, my mother – God bless her – stepped in and saved the day.
FYI, this was only one of the MANY ways that my MIL exhibited her social cluelessness over the course of my wedding weekend.
Your pictures are completely and totally #ALLCAPSAWESOME.
And? That is the BEST almost wedding mishap story I have ever heard!!
I am sometimes sad I don’t have at least a small wedding mishap story to laugh over.
Just please tell me you took off the Spanx to consummate the marriage.
Or don’t tell me.
(I’ll just assume.)
So how did you get out of celebrating YOUR anniversary and end up at BlogHer this weekend?
I mean, I’ll miss you this weekend while I’m celebrating MY anniversary.
I still have my labia, too. Or else Bill would probably be less interested in a getaway.
Probably.
P.S. Can I borrow your Spanx?
THIS.IS.AWESOME. and HILARIOUS!! cracking up over here 🙂 (gorgeous pics by the way – you are beautiful!! and I LOVE your girls’ dresses – what a great idea/look!) I’m so glad you didn’t lose any girly bits!!
We had only minor mishaps… 1) the Groom went missing (he was chatting with some friends outside in the bar of the hotel our reception was in) and couldn’t hear the DJ calling him for our first dance 2) the way the was set up to accommodate our huge reception was an L-shape, half of the guests couldn’t hear the music or the DJ 3) because of the delay of the first dance, a special song that I wanted played for my parents (Son of a Preacher Man) wasn’t able to be played 4) the wrong version of Wind Beneath My Wings was played for the Mother/Son dance (it was NOT Bette Midler, and it sounded TERRIBLE) 5) my grandparents were ready to leave before we did the “longest married couples” dance (in which they had been married for 50 years since the day before the wedding) and I gave my gramma my bouquet… which is the ACTUAL reason we skipped Son of a Preacher Man…
that’s all I can think of that didn’t go JUST RIGHT, but again, minor incidents 🙂
Your pictures are gorgeous! My wedding had some interesting twists…
One of the groomsmen coming in from out of state didn’t try on his tux until the day of the wedding… he had called in his measurements and being a local shop that everyone uses we didn’t anticipate any issues. He put his tux on at the church the morning of the wedding to find that one leg was the perfect length and the other was about 2 feet SHORT! Thankfully my MIL is a seamstress and was able to fix the problem before the ceremony began!
Also two other groomsmen brought their ‘stripper’ friends as their dates… they were dressed trashy and the groomsmen and their lovely ladies left right after dinner… Some friends they turned out to be!
Gorgeous – everything….
Ok I had a few mishaps too:
You know when you give a vendor your credit card to reserve the car that is going to drive you everywhere… well it really stinks when after the wedding the “limo (which was actually a lifted Expedition limo /mind you that I am just about 5 ft tall/ – did I mention that hubby was in charge of choosing the car) shows up and annouces that the credit card we gave them is expired and unless we have the $600 to pay him he’s leaving (we got married on Aug 3 – card expired on July 31). Um…WHAT!?! Who does that – tell a bride that on her wedding day. My uncle though – my savior for the day – pulls out his wallet, hands the guy the money and of course calls him a jerk (he doesn’t care – he got paid).
So we all get into the limo – I’m last and the “jerk” steps on my dress as I try to get up into this freakishly tall truck/limo. Of course the dress rips and he’s very apologetic.
Fast forward to getting pictures taken outside – I didn’t mention that we also had a black/white theme and it was about 100 degress outside (most of the people were wearing basically all black- oops sorry).
Then at the reception. Best man – love him to death, gets so jealous at another wedding party person dancing with his wife that he decides to punch the trashcan….looks were terribly deceiving because what he though was this little tin trashcan was actually a steel trashcan….dude broke his hand at our reception.
So instead of the best man making a speech – he had to go to the emergency room instead.
(ok – last piece of info – the banquet hall where we had our reception, changed owners 3 days before our wedding…)
Thankfully hubby and I made it through all of this to celebrate our 9th anniversary yesterday. Wouldn’t have changed anything- because now…..we can look back and laugh.
your wedding was beautiful! I was cracking up at the spanx troubles…
our wedding was in Montana in early June, but it was 110 degrees that day. My now husband went down to the ballroom the night before the wedding to make sure it was all set up and found it excrutiatingly hot. The air conditioning had konked out completely.
It didn’t get fixed by the next day and we were miserable. Luckily i had a HUGE 90’s skirt on the dress so I stood with a box fan under my dress for the recieving line and we have a great picture of us in the lobby of the movie theatre that was next door that let us come in to cool down…but here we are 16 years later and still hot as ever 🙂
Oh my goodness! This is hilarious. I love the pictures of your wedding.
I have no stories to share. We got married at the Commissioner of Civil Marriages office. And I didn’t take a single picture that day. Maybe that’s my story. We got married & didn’t even think of maybe taking a picture to remember the occasion.
Gorgeous pictures. I love the girls’ different dresses.
It’s funny, because I was reading it, legs tightly clamped together, thinking “use the spanx pee hole, for the love of wedding night hijinx! use the pee hole!”
And I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve said pee hole in a comment (three times, nonetheless).
My biggest wedding mishap was my husband getting punched in the, well, family jewels by his drunk, goofy groomsman. Hard. And terrible rain/snow mix at the end of April, but weather doesn’t count, right?
Soon-to-be-Husband & I were seated to the side of the alter in church, and the priest called up our moms & the best Man to escort them to light the unity candles.
I smiled at my husband as we watched our moms rush towards the marble steps. The Best Man appeared between them, & then I noticed what seemed to be our moms (in their late 50s) lifting HIM (late 30s) up the steps…and helping HIM walk over to the candles…then practically carry him back down the steps when they were done.
I whispered to my beloved “Umm..did I just see..?” and he replied something about how nice the weather was.
Once everyone was nice and blitzed at the reception, a little more info came out: seems the Best Man got a little tipsy the night before & fell down the stairs at my apartment. Possibly fractured ankle. But he’s a trooper. Sweet?
Well, I thought so until i got home the next day. Then i saw that when he fell down the stairs in the apartment, he also put his head through the wall.
Through. The. Wall.
The Big Secret of the wedding was that every single person there knew this (even our moms!), but they all pinky swore not to tell me, so I wouldn’t toss him over the balcony into the Hudson River while in my pretty dress.
So when we got back from our honeymoon, the BM’s gift to us was re-plastering and painting the wall at the bottom of the stairwell.
Oh, and there were 2 girls passive-aggressively fighting over one of the groomsmen. We’re talking “accidental” nip slips and roaming hands.
Also, someone left Polaroid cameras in the hallway outside the ballroom, so once the drinking I mean dancing was ON, people kept taking interesting photos of themselves pretending to pee in the hotel planters, etc. We cherish those memories.
And the Dj played – God help me – the “Mickey Mouse Club” theme song as our last dance. So we’re having a just-short-of-black-tie wedding overlooking downtown Manhattan, and “M-I-C…See ya later!” starts booming out of the speakers. Tres chic, no?
Happy Anniversary! You both looked so happy and beautiful!
Beautiful pictures, despite nearly being circumcised! You could’ve had a post-wedding Bris!
Me: My husband nearly decked his best man – his brother!
Prior to the reception, my husband had given his older brother envelopes containing tips for the various vendors. He asked him to kindly give them out at the end of the night, knowing that we would probably be otherwise engaged. With less than an hour left of the reception my husband approached his brother and asked for the DJ’s envelope. My BIL swore up and down that he had given the envelope back to my husband an hour prior. This enraged my husband, who had no recollection of what he was being told, things got heated, words were exchanged and my husband actually had to be restrained. Cooler heads prevailed and my husband walked away.
As I helped to calm him down, he patted his pocket and found…the DJ’s envelope. Guess he had had more to drink than he realized 😛
Well…10 years ago, fish bowls were all the rage for reception decor…unfortunately prior to our big entrance all of our lovely gold fish kicked the bucket…the wedding party ran through the reception hall franticly scooping them out of the bowls…ugh…
pee-hole spanx are the best invention ever. (not really but you get my point) i have been known to pee thru spanx before realizing that spanx offered pee-hole ones. not on my wedding day, but still, i’ve done it.
OMGosh your terrified labia!
I had urged my mother in the days before my wedding to try on her dress and make sure it still fit. She did not, and when she went to put it on the morning of my wedding discovered that they had delivered the wrong dress size. She couldn’t even zip it. So she had to drive like a bat out of hell two towns over to pick up the correct dress, which they luckily still carried in stock.
No big deal, except she was supposed to walk me down the aisle.
Whoops.
I’m pretty sure that WE had the longest hora of all time… We wanted it to go on as long as people were into it… but the band was just NOT getting the hint. LOL I think I had to tell him to wrap it up….
One of my bridesmaids almost passed out, and some of the doctor relatives of mine ran up to help her. I had NO clue this was going on (some friend I am….)
LOVE the bridesmaids dresses! Happy Anniversary
At my first, (ahem), wedding, I ended up putting my MIL into a headlock, as she tried to escape me in the receiving line in front of everyone. So now I have a lovely video of my MIL loving on my new husband, then trying to bypass me, and me sortof lunging into her and throwing an arm around her neck to “hug” her. Yeah, I can say it as nicely as I want, but I basically grabbed her and put her in a headlock.
Why would she make a scene like that in front of everyone? Because first husband’s grandma made us a topiary tree. Two actually, large, fake flowered tree things with hot pink flowers and *shudder* fake plastic doves with fake plastic pearls in their mouths. They were surprise decorations made to go up at the alter. Oh Hells no. So yeah, when they got delegated into the outside hall, MIL had a snit as I was being ungrateful. The look on her face as I lunged, er, reached to hug her, was priceless though.
DURING the service? Holy cow. Ours just told us the importance of sex in marriage while we were going through the hour or two of premarital counseling. “We got it, thanks.”
Our minister kept calling me “Howard” during rehearsal. My name is not Howard. He did manage to right that particular cart before our actual ceremony, but then he performed a different wedding ceremony than the one we’d requested.
During our reception, my aunt introduced me to a second cousin of hers who shortly thereafter asked me the most race-baiting question I think I’d ever heard. I’m still upset about it and that was almost 14 years ago.
Also, at the end of the reception (we had a morning wedding), the restaurant staff refused to pack any leftovers for my MIL to take home (and there were plenty). Said they couldn’t because of health code reasons. What they didn’t know was that we were staying in the attached inn that night, and so when we went down for dinner, we saw the waiters serving all of the stuff from our reception that they’d said they couldn’t let us have.
My makeup dry run was terrible, like clown makeup terrible, one of my eyes swelled shut and i could barely see, and it was 98F degrees and NY humid INSIDE the church.
And get this… 8/3 is our wedding anniversary too! We just celebrated 9 years! go us!
Happy Anniversary hope you didn’t have to sit through Cowboys & Aliens like I did.
Dear Ilana & Mike,
Happy Anniversary to a very together couple who together made an incredible daughter.
Love, Mom & Sam
Happy Anniversary!!! Your wedding looks amazing. Glad to hear that your lady parts were kept intact.
My first wedding my mom walked out during the reception and just about all of that side of the family went with her… Horrible memories.
We renewed our vows and not too much went wrong, except going through agony putting together a seating chart and then the caterer forgot to put the table numbers on…
My labia was never in any danger though!
Here’s my wedding horror story. (And, yes, this really happened, I have witnesses)
We were at the reception in the ballroom of a hotel. It was the “throwing of the garter” portion of the evening. The DJ was there getting all the guys lined up to catch this thing. Some woman in shorts and a tank top walks in, grabs the mike from the DJ and starts SCREAMING about how she and her 6 kids can’t sleep because we’re making such a racket.
Everyone is looking at each other like “Did you set this up? Is this a joke?”
Here’s what happened next:
1. My brother grabbed the mike from the woman
2. The wedding coordinator starts shoving the woman toward the door.
3. The woman PUNCHES the wedding coordinator.
4. My husband’s (very large) aunt punches the woman.
5. The best man shoves the woman into the elevator so my husband’s aunt and the rest of the women in his extended family don’t beat her senseless.
Here’s what we found out later:
1. The room we were in was soundproof. No one could hear anything.
2. The crazy woman was staying in the hotel ALONE (no 6 kids).
3. She was escorted out by the police.
It is a great story to tell now, people who were there still talk about and I think it made the reception even MORE fun than it already was. BUT, at the time, all I could think was that my fun, classy wedding had turned White Trash Fabulous really fast!
Oh, I forgot the actually not great thing: I think I rolled my eyes during the ceremony while the minister talked about how love is patient, etc.
He had this stock ceremony and we crossed out like, the whole thing. We wanted short and simple. We like triple crossed out the “love is patient, love is kind” stuff, and I am pretty sure we actually explained why we didn’t like that part. Mostly, its because I always think of sarcastic “love is . . . love does not . . .” things when I hear it.
Anyway, during the ceremony he seemed thrown by being done already, so he just started talking . . . and out came the love-is-patient-etc. stuff. At least I didn’t giggle and crack jokes to Aaron. If I had, that wold have been funny, but probably only to us.
Beautiful wedding! I love the picture with the blue truck.
My wedding had 2 mishaps, and one near mishap.
Mishap #1: Happened while walking down the aisle with my bouquet in one hand and the other wrapped around my Dad’s arm. My Dad was nervous and had covered my hand on his arm with his other hand with a death-grip level of force. When we got the end of the aisle and we were supposed to walk up 3 steps, I couldn’t get my hand free in time to lift up the front of my dress. He didn’t even slow down for the steps, so of course I stepped on the front of my dress and tripped.
Near mishap: My veil was pinned under my updo and about halfway through the ceremony, I felt it starting to slip. I held my head as super still as I could, but I knew it was going to fall. It actually made it until my husband and I rounded the corner of the doorway after walking back down the aisle before it fell.
Mishap #2: When my husband and I were feeding each other cake, the piece he was holding kinda squished and fell apart just as he was getting close and most of it fell into the top of my dress. He started to help get it out, but realized how that looked when our guests started giggling.
3 words: Toilet water flood. At my reception. I guess that makes 6 words.
beautiful wedding and happy anniversary!
my wedding day went off perfectly, and i earned it b/c my originial venue told me SIX WEEKS before my wedding they had OOPS double-booked our night.
planned my whole wedding in six weeks. and everything turned out fine…
What a beautiful wedding…I love the black and white theme. Crotchless spanx huh…I wouldn’t be surprised if you were channeling Joey from Friends…Happy Anniversary!
After copious amounts of therapy, I am able to submit the Most. Horrifying. Wedding. Incident. Ever:
My Mother decided in lieu of performing the traditional doting ‘mother of the bride’ role, she would just go ahead and get married herself. The day before. Husband #3 to be specific.
Crazier still, she had planned this. Like brought her own dress, shoes, etc. She even sent out her own wedding announcements.
Their argument was that it was very difficult for new Husband to take time off work and since we were in Las Vegas (destination wedding mind you: NOT spontaneous ceremony performed by Elvis on our part…); why not?
To keep me from completely freaking my freak, my brother and friends chose to ignore the whole side show and let my husband and I have our day.
Four years later, she still thinks this was entirely acceptable behavior. Please validate me here, just no right?
My funny story happened at the ceremony. We had chosen a hymn that was unfamiliar to most. Apparently no one knew how to read music, even those guests who were musicians. They missed a repeat sign and everyone ended up singing the wrong verses, which got them even more mixed up. My video clearly shows me shaking with laughter while my poor maid of honor was trying to keep her reaction to a smirk.
My reception story just sucks. My SIL was pregnant and apparently couldn’t wait 30 minutes to eat, or think ahead to bring a snack of her own. So my MIL took her whole family up to the buffet table to get food. Consequently my husband an I were the last people to eat at our own wedding. The caterers were stupid, so some of the dishes were completely gone by the time we got there.
i hate spanx. i buy them for every occasion and leave them in the bathroom because they are so damn uncomfortable. i did not know, however, that they had a crotch hole!
wedding mishap, huh?
we had a destination wedding and had not met the priest before the ceremony. we are jewish by birth, but had told our wedding coordinator that we didn’t want any religious anything mentioned…so the priest said higher being instead of god. then compared the first letter of our last name – A – to the father, son, and holy spirit.
there was feedback from the speaker during the ceremony; the priest literally said, “that was quite a shock. everyone needs a shock to the system. like a car crash going 70mph.” um…..
during our vows, she asked laurel if she would take keith to be her husband. idk who the eff laurel is, because i’m lauren.
we could not even look at each other during the ceremony for fear of cracking up. after we had signed everything, the priest held out her hand for a tip. my tip for her was to stop drinking before weddings.
WOW! Everyone does seem to have crazy things happen at their weddings. We had several crazy things occur, although I should say crazy people showed their true colors.
First, my Mom threw a fit because I refused to let her invite our relatives whose son,abused my sister.
Second, my MIL kept throwing tantrums and huge scenes because we were not focusing on her enough. She still to this day is angry because we cut the cake without her while she was bawling (loudly and drawing a crowd)in her car outside.
Third, it was business casual, which one couple took to mean ratty t-shirts and holey-jeans.
Fourth, I descended stairs not realizing they were spaced stairs with cut-outs between. My dress was full-skirted and I forgot a slip. Well everyone below got a great view up my dress, Kinda wish I had worn SPANX.
LOL!!
Beautiful wedding pictures!! We had a Jewish wedding ceremony, and had a glass of red wine and the ketubah on a nearby table. I knew that the ketubah needed to be on display, but did not know that the rabbi would be picking it up a few times, and so did not realize that having a rickety table and stand for the ketubah was a bad idea. A few times, the rabbi knocked over the ketubah. No big deal, right? Well then towards the end of the ceremony he knocked over the ketubah into the glass of red wine, which then spilled ALL OVER the front of my dress. This is of course while we are on a stage in front of everyone, about to say our vows. The entire room was silent as everyone stared at my face – thankfully at that point I had already had a few drinks, so I didn’t really care, and had them continue with the ceremony. Three years later the rabbi still feels bad about it. It was quite a shock that day, but also quite funny!!
I’m a little late to the party but was inspired by the wedding stories. I’ll make mine short and sweet. Basically, one of the groomsmen decided it would be a great idea to drink his way from Seattle to Dallas. He missed 2 flights and was kicked off of another. After he finally made it, it was the night of the bachelor party. My husband didn’t really want him to go and wanted him to sleep it off. Instead, he came over to my parents house (where everyone was meeting), broke a beer bottle, stumbled around, and hit on my mother.
Then they went to a local bar to lay low and hang out with everyone. On his walk home with some other groomsmen, he dropped his phone and wallet, then tried to pick them up and fell flat on his face. He skinned his forehead and nose and bled everywhere. He never found his phone or wallet. After all of that, he backed out of the wedding 2 days later on the morning of. He was still in town, he just had a pocket full of shame.
We left on our honeymoon not knowing how he got back to Seattle. He’s fine now and has since apologized, but man, it makes for a great story.
Congrats on your anniversary. 🙂
These photos, your wedding:
MAGAZINE Perfect.
I’d love to see more.
Anywhere on your blog?
Maybe I’m just too critical of people, but of all of your wedding mishaps that you mentioned,your relative calling you moments before you walked down the aisle to arrange transportation for HERSELF is in my opinion by far the worst one of all! Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. How self-absorbed does one have to be?! Ugh! Glad you managed to have an absolutely beautiful wedding in spite of those nuisances (and manage to make it to your ceremony with your lady parts unscathed).
Seriously beautiful wedding!
I can’t believe you didn’t already know about the built in pee hole in Spanx! They were a huge selling feature for me!
Luv your photos, your story takes the cake. May the love you have for each other keep growng….
So I know I’m late to this party but couldn’t resist sharing my wedding story.
Where do I start with our wedding mishaps?…From the beginning it was awful.
Pre Wedding: My mother didn’t like anything I did and by the end of it she was mean and not speaking to me and the day of my wedding she bad-mouthed me to my husband’s father while I was upstairs getting my wedding dress on. I was told by an aunt while trying on dresses that I shouldn’t wear white since I was no longer a virgin (my daughter was 3 when we got married… One of our groomsmen decided not to show up to the rehearsal and had to be replaced last minute. My daddy made me cry with his insulting jokes about how he was glad my husband was taking me because he didn’t want me anymore.
Day of the wedding: My wedding photographer showed up an hour and half late after getting pulled over for speeding. He then interrupted my reception to tell me that he was leaving (even though we paid to have him the entire day he double booked himself). The person in charge of video taping my wedding forgot their camcorder so no video. The person in charge of the music messed up and my daughter (our flower girl) walked down the isle to my chosen entry song instead of me. They didn’t play our exit music at all. We were not given our flowers (including my bouquet)until AFTER the ceremony was over. It started raining so I was late to the reception and pictures time was short. I SPECIFICALLY stated in our invitation that people needed to eat before hand because we were not serving lunch- just snacks as I have many many allergies and the food had to be special ordered to accommodate me. I was 15 minutes late to my reception because of the rain and when we got there my guests had already eaten ALL of the food! None of the wedding party got fed. My FIL ordered more food for the guests (against my wishes (and again none of which I could eat due to my allergies)) and called that our wedding present… Again NO food for me. AND me and my husband got into our first fight (about our families of course)on the way to our hotel, my coat got left at the reception hall and we were spending 6 days in the mountains (it was snowing where we were going) and then when we finally got to the hotel they hadn’t reserved the correct room and we locked our keys in the car and had to wait for a locksmith to open it the NEXT day (it was a small town).
Yeah… my wedding day was memorable. But the honeymoon was amazing and despite it all I Love my Husband with all my heart and would not trade standing there with him for anything. He is amazing and I am blessed that I got the honor of marrying him.
I got stuck in a child’s slide. The photographer thought it would be a good idea to have me sit in a little tikes slide in the church nursery for a picture, I have no idea why. I had a huge dress, and while I fit into the slide at the top to sit down, I was stuck getting out! It took three girls to pull me out. I thought I was going to walk down the aisle with a huge plastic slide stuck to my butt!
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ok, that it! I find myself having to limit the number of blogs I subscribe to because I don’t have time to read them. After this story (and the two about things parents would be arrested for today) I MUST have more!! <3 <3 <3 ! You're awesome and I want you as my friend!
And this is just one reason that (even though my husband thought I was crazy), I insisted on looking at the bathrooms at every venue we checked out for our reception. I needed to know that myself and 1-2 dress helpers could maneuver in the stall!